Guilt

I’ve read a very good quote from an owner of a submissive who’s blog I read regularly. Kinky Little Girl was talking about punishment and how she let’s it continue to get to her after it’s over.

One of the earliest pieces of advice he ever gave me was, “Being a better submissive means learning to trust your Dominant to punish you when you need it and not do it to yourself.” I’ve always taken that to heart, but I’m not terribly good at putting it into practice.

I can completely relate. I know it’s not my job to do the punishing but when I’ve done something wrong I tend to feel so very guilty that it keeps me from returning to normal for a while until I feel that I’ve atoned for it; not when he’s done punishing me for it. With the advent of the punishment book I have a whole week’s worth of atoning to do at one time and while I’ve been lucky to only have one thing listed each week I have a part of me that continues the punishment from the very moment it gets put in there until Sunday night when I pay for it. This last week I was extremely frustrated and smarted back at Master quite rudely and I knew that I was in for it. It wasn’t a slip of the tongue, it was intentional and I could have gotten worse than I did. I got 15 minutes of corner time. I hate corner time and he knows it; which is probably why it works so well.

I started my own punishment mere minutes after he wrote it down. I chastised myself every time I said something, making sure that I was the sweetest person I could be. I apologized at least 3 times, offered to make his coffee or if he wanted anything to eat. Anything I could to amend myself to what I just did. Yeah, and I still paid for it Sunday with corner time.

It’s rather difficult for me to move on from when I get into trouble, past punishment. Even when Master says that the issue is done and over with I can’t drop it. I could have had 10 cane strokes and I still want to cry and fuss and try to make amends for it. He has said it’s done, why can’t I drop it?

All in all, I’m a good girl. I don’t get into trouble often anymore. I’ve learned I’m happier that way ;P But slips will happen and Master is quick to work them out of me. I just have to let it go and trust him that what he has done for punishment is atonement enough.

Yeah, I put in that darn trust word. It’s been a struggle to get all of my trust into his hands. I keep telling myself that it’s not that I don’t trust him; it’s that I don’t trust myself to let go. It’s been a huge learning experience and as we can see, I am far from done letting go.

He does have the best for me all laid bare. He knows what makes me tick and can tell what I’m thinking with just an eyebrow twitch. This man KNOWS me. Trust should come easy. He’s had to earn every scrap of it and I think it’s all related to me not letting it go. If I could let go, he’d have all of me now; we all know he would care for it.

Just accept his control, his love, his compassion, his discipline and his trust. Such easy sounding words… so hard to do.

I accept… gradually.

–luna

Possibly related posts:

1. Discipline and Punishment
2. Amazing Submission: My Development
3. Life is Worth Living