November 2007

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True Submissives

Yesterday I posted a question about ‘true’-ness.

Is there such a thing as a “true” slave/submissive?

No one left any comments, perhaps we are just not willing to question?

luna says:

I don’t believe there is such a thing. I do think that people confuse the terms true and natural. I do know that there is natural submission and there is behavioral submission. I’m in the later group. I don’t believe that my personality allows for natural submission at all but I want to submit with my whole being and so I do.

I think that true-ness is a spin off of those that believe there is one true way to do what it is that we do and they aren’t accepting of other people’s definitions and methods. It’s rather pig-headed of them, isn’t it? It would be like critiquing someone on the way they peel an apple. There is no one correct way, there are a variety of ways that get you to the same result; a peeled apple. Why can’t sex magic be the same way? Why can’t D/s be the same way?

It can and is. No two relationships are the same, no two people are the same so there can’t be a ‘true’ submissive. True almost always defines as ‘only one’ way. When someone tells me that I’m not a true submissive; I come back with “I am not living a false life. This is my true self and I will live up to my Master’s desires.”

It would be boring to read this blog if I was trying to live up to the ideal way that is defined by fantasy. First, it wouldn’t work. I can not be fantasy. I am real, with my own issues and stop points. This is who I am. But look back a year ago and you will see a very different person. I’m getting better all the time.

Improvement is the point of all trueness. I am true to myself. I know what I want and how to get there. That’s the best trueness to have.

Newly Discovered Blogs

Here is my list of newly discovered blogs within the BDSM blogosphere! I have found them very interesting and enjoyable to read. I hope you will enjoy them and feel free to leave a comment or two. You just may find a new favorite blog!

A Bad Man in a Bad Place

Alphaslave

anglefire’s journal

At times restless

Lolidoll

Dominate My Wife

Dragonfly Geisha

Fexual Strustration

Hopelessly Bad

Finding Sara

Every week there will be a BDSM question posed to readers here at luna’s Journey. Feel free to answer it as candidly as you’d like. If you’d like to participate in the discussion please leave a comment on this post, send me an email or post the response on your own blog!

Is there such a thing as a “true” slave/submissive?

Sexual Tension

I’m horny. Master is horny. We have plenty of wet hot fun planned for when I get home from work. We’ve been email flirting with each other all day. Maybe if Master and I are so inclined I’ll share the details with you.

–luna

VT vs. RT

From Submissive Journal Prompts:

“What one has not experienced, one will never understand in print.” -Isadora Duncan

I began my journey into D/s and BDSM in online chat rooms; namely those on IRC (BDSM-Net and Bondage.com). I knew nothing of what the lifestyle would be for me, only the fantasy that I lived when I got home from class or work; it was a retreat from the everyday hardship that I was living with. I felt the control release and the pleasure of making someone else happy. I loved the creative talent it afforded me in my poetry and writing, the scenes I participated in. It became an art. I fell in love with the fantasy of it. Even when I accepted an online collar I thought that there was no way I could really love this in real. The activities I participated in, the rules I followed, the tasks assigned to me all seemed a part of the fantasy.

I didn’t understand why those that were ‘real’ shunned the way I behaved and looked down on my personae as one that would be trapped in online play for all my life. I didn’t understand what they were talking about when they talked about service and hardship in surrender, about the pleasure of being there for their owner, about serving and the pride in the words, “good girl”. I never understood the reality of what I was playing in.

Until one day I started asking a lot of important questions of myself. I wanted to experience the SM for real. I wanted to be tied up and see what the draw to my pleasure senses was. I wanted to know what it was like to kneel and serve someone. I wanted to hear “good girl” for something I had done. Was it going to remain fantasy? I seriously didn’t know. I thought that maybe it would just lead to kinky sex and I was okay with that also. I really didn’t know what I wanted nor could I have imagined that my life would be as it is now or where it will be in years to come. My surrender was not easy and there are parts of it that I still cling to; a part of my independence that Master is allowing me to hang on to.

I’ve known submissives that can only experience online or LDR relationships. I do not shun them as I was shunned. I know the desire and the pull to live it in any form you can. I was lucky, I guess, and left my husband to explore the part of me drawn to BDSM, the service and surrender specifically. I’ve been able to embrace the relationship I am in and am so very thankful for the role I played online to test the waters.

Online is no substitute and you can’t learn all that there is to know about living this life from essays and forums. You have to experience it to truly know. Every journey is different but I am grateful for my online VT beginnings. Without them I would not have met my Master. Now we live happily together.

But even now I can’t see how to explain how my life is to someone online. I don’t know how to put my service to him in words that someone with no experience or ability to experience would understand. I don’t think words like that really exist.

–luna

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Weigh In

This morning I got up to weigh feeling very hesitant to step on the scale. I’ve not been doing so well with my food intake at night and I’m also on my period so I knew I was bloated and the number was going to be off. I’m hoping that next week has a better number and think that most of what is there is bloat anyhow. But here it is. My weight this week is:

318.5

Yup, that’s up 2 lbs from last week and 3.5 overall. I’m hoping this trend does not continue or all of my hard work from 2 years ago will be reversed. I can’t and won’t get back there.

Good news though, I did do my 65 mins of exercise for last week, so I get to put $5 in savings for a futon! Next week’s exercise goal is also 65 mins. If I can do it again I will begin to add strength training back in. The more muscle I have the higher my metabolism. Right now I know that my metabolism is really slow. I’m making progress!

My food was pretty good for calories, but for balance it was crap. This week that changes too. I’m making a meal plan for this week that will make certain that I’m balanced daily so that this weight will come off and next week’s weigh in will be in the right direction!

Next week I’m going to do a change in the way I distribute my calories through the day. I’ve found that by the time I get home from work that I’m starving and it’s a disaster for my eating as well as late night metabolism is already slower. I’m going to flop the bulk of my calorie intake to be breakfast and lunch times and have dinner be a lighter fare. This should help me in several areas. I shouldn’t be voracious when I get home from work and my daytime metabolism has to be higher than in the evening so I should be able to burn what I’m consuming then. This means larger breakfasts and lunches with snacks at work during break.

How did I do?

Average Calories: 1813/under 2000 (goal met!)

Average Water: 50 oz/80 oz ( I need 80 or more!)

Minutes of cardio: 65/65 (goal met!)

Next Week’s Goals:

Average calories under 1900

Average water at or above 80 oz

Minutes of cardio at or above 65

Gratitude x5

From Submissive Journal Prompts:

List 5 things that you are grateful for in your life.

1. I’m grateful for my ability to change. Without the desire to make my life better and more fulfilling I would be stuck working at a dead end job with no happiness in my life. Since I’ve been able to change my thinking, my behavior and my thought process I’ve moved up in the world, I finished school, I have a Master that loves me completely and I’m making my body healthier too. Without this internal drive I don’t know where I’d be.

2. I’m grateful for friends. Since I’ve moved into this lifestyle the BDSM community has been my rock, my wealth of friendships and resources that I’ve been able to lean upon has been so immense. Without the people I’ve been able to call my friends I don’t think I would have stepped away from online play and fantasy into the real. My friends stand by me and aren’t afraid to tell me that I’m being selfish or stupid. They are also the first ones to say that the know I’ve changed, they are happy with how I hold and conduct myself and because of that the bond of friendship is even stronger.

3. I’m thankful for love. The love I feel for Master is the most profound feeling I have ever had. It’s so deep that if I spend too much time thinking of it, I will cry the hard chest hurting cry that overpowers your thoughts. It’s like coming to the realization that you are important for the first time in your life you mean something to someone else. That someone will do anything they can to make sure your life is perfect. I’m in that type of love right now and we give each other perfection every single day. I never want to lose that.

4. I’m thankful for my health. While I am working to make that better I ‘m thankful that even though I’m considered obese that I haven’t had the high blood pressure, the onset of diabetes, severe knee and back problems or asthma. I’m healthy enough to get up off the floor under my own power, I can walk for 20 minutes without being winded and I want to be more active. My current health will help me be more healthy down the road. This goal will be acheived.

5. I’m thankful for passion. Not just lust but the awe-inspiring passion in community, or politics, life or love. This passion is the driving force for all things. I love that my passion for this lifestyle helps me be a better me and hopefully is a beacon to someone on a similar struggle. The inner struggle to become and the outer struggle to improve. I have a passion to change. I will change and I know that with all the other items on this list I will overcome.

–luna

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