Blogathon went great! It was a lot harder than last year getting all of my posts written in a timely manner. I had a lot of things I wanted to say but no real plan as to researching and pulling them all together. I already told Master that I was going to do it again next year and pick a lighter, easier theme to write on. I may do the same charity though unless someone can suggest another one that wouldn’t mind my normal blog content and what I usually write about.
I’d like to say thank you to a couple of people that made the Blogathon awesome for me. First was Mija, who stepped up to post for 4 hours while I was at the local munch. She had some awesome things to say and I’m so happy that she chose to help me out. Second was a huge surpise from danae. Last week I asked her if she would be willing to make a couple icons for me to use in the posts during Blogathon. If you look in my image gallery here you can see she not only obliged but she showered me with icons!
I’ve raised almost 5oo dollars for the NLA-I DVP and with another 24 hours open for people to sponsor I could get a few more donations. I’m very happy with my efforts and I’m sure that the project will be pleased with what I’ve done.
Master was so supportive of me and he stayed up for most of it. It got really hard near the end; fighting sleep is never very good for me. He’s great.
Master noticed that we had a little bit of extra money and decided to buy a new toy. We have a Hitachi Wand on the way from JT’s Stockroom Master said it will be great in play and I can use it on him as well. I have vacation coming up next week so I’m sure we will have a chance to test it out and see just how loud I can get. (As if I’m not loud already.) Anyone have a wand already that can comment on how they like or dislike it? Any tips?
If you noticed there was no Letter to Master yesterday. I have to make that up, but it won’t be open to the public ever; sorry. I have some very personal things to talk about that well, I’m not willing to divulge on here. I’m an open person but I can have my secrets too.
This Saturday we are going to a munch in Des Moines; first one that we’ve gone to there. I hope to meet some new folks and enjoy ourselves. Master is looking forward to the demo that will follow the munch. It’s on rope bondage and if you’ve seen Master’s new blog you’ll know that is a new passion of his that I enjoy.
Until next time,
It’s been a wonderful time here bring awareness for BDSM vs. Abuse. I’ve raised almost $500 for The National Leather Association-International Domestic Violence Project. Thank you so much to all my sponsors who believed with me that change starts with just $1. I hope that throughout this event if you’ve skimmed or read my blog thoroughly you have picked something up worthwhile, something to hang on to.
I know I’ve made a few new friends and I’m happy to be considered link worthy. Thank you to all the participants that helped keep me up in the wee hours where I’d have been sleeping peacefully if there wasn’t charity involved.
A special thank you goes out to Mija, for without her I would not have been able to complete the Blogathon. She was a wonderful guest blogger and if you want to read what she wrote during her time here, you can! She is immortalized here for all time
Again, thank you. I couldn’t have done it without everyone. I shall be back next year. You can count on me.
Once again I’d like to please have you consider the wonderful cause of the NLA-I DVP. If you have but a dollar to spare it will not go wasted! You can continue to pledge and donate for a few days after the Blogathon as well; it’s never too late. In fact if you want to donate all throughout the year I’ll love you for that too. See the link up at the top of this page, go… hurry! Share the love and give to a worthy cause.
by Raven Shadowborne
This is a topic that comes up very often in discussing BDSM. It is guaranteed to cause some very emotional responses. Many try to link a submissive personality to past child abuse. Saying that a submissive personality is a psychological remnant of the past abuse. Some try to say that BDSM is just a way for survivors to continue in the victim mindset created by that past abuse. Some also say that those who are into BDSM are more likely to abuse both children and adults.
Saying that being submissive due to past abuse just doesn’t completely hold water. I believe that submission is an inborn trait. This inherent trait may preclude the person to being abused or victimized both as a child and an adult. But, from personal experience, I must say that BDSM can give the survivor the tools he/she needs to heal such abuse. By advocating SS&C, learning your own needs and those of your partner, by advocating strength and independent thought, this lifestyle teaches the submissive that she does indeed have control over what happens to her body. That she doesn’t have to be a victim and it is her choice whether or not to submit to a dominant. A victim of abuse had no choice.
By Hans Meijer
In order to get a few – indeed quoted way too often – urban legends out of the way first: scientific research shows that the number of people with a traumatic (abuse) history within the erotic power exchange group is no different from any other group.
Since the same research (European as well as American) indicates that between 20 and 50 percent of population has an abuse history, one may safely say the same goes for EPE people, doms and sub alike.
One important thing to notice here is that first of all the term “abuse” is just as vague as “car-accident” and – without a proper definition of what is considered abuse in any particular case – is useless. Abuse – apart from the very obvious cases – is first of all very personal perception by the victim (which does NOT mean to say it is a lesser form of abuse – just that different people have different perceptions) and as such, as science and experts will readily admit, is one of the most difficult things to give a definition for in any more or less general format.
Another thing to remember here is that it is very important to make a distinct difference between different forms of abuse. Juvenal trauma can not be compared to spousal abuse, rape is different for men and women and the worst thing to do is throw everything on one big pile. Which is another reason why the term “abuse” is useless and empty, because it says very little (again not meaning to say that abuse isn’t bad).
The second essay that Norische has on the subject of dangerous situation is titled, Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Learning to Trust You Instincts- Part 2: Submissives/Slaves
She lists and gives descriptions of submissives that may pose a problem to unsuspecting dominants. Of these she lists:
- Cyber slave/sub.
- The Professional Victim slave/sub.
- The Show Piece slave/sub.
- The Fetish-Freak slave/sub.
- The Gold Digger slave/sub.
I suggest everyone take a moment and read the rest of the essay.
Norische has a couple essays that deal with warning signs of dangerous situations and people. This first one is titled: Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Learning to Trust You Instincts – Part One: Dominants
She gives a few key things to look out for in Dominants that are bad news.
- If someone submits to you because they fear you, then you are a bully not a Dominant.
- If someone submits to you because you give him or her expensive presents then you are a pimp not a Dominant.
- If someone submits to you because you threaten to leave or abandon him or her if they refuse then you are a manipulator, not a Dominant.
- If someone submits to you because you wont leave him or her alone if they don\’t then you are a predator not a Dominant.
- If someone submits to you because you will beat him or her if they don\’t then you are an abuser not a Dominant.
I encourage everyone to go read the rest of the essay.
Domestic Violence has it’s own ribbon. Domestic Violence in the lifestyle has a ribbon campaign too.
Ribbon of Hope
The Ribbon of Hope is the color purple, symbolizing abuse survivors young and old. We are from all walks of life, everywhere from around the world, and the white dove is the eternal symbol of hope.
The L.A.S.T. (Lifestyle Abuse Survivors Together) Ribbon
The L.A.S.T. Ribbon symbolizes: White for purity the of our souls, the red rose for the pain for our suffering and the BDSM Symbol for all of us embracing this wonderful Lifestyle.
When I was just getting started in BDSM, I didn’t know a lot about safety. I didn’t screen possible play partners and I rarely set up safe calls. I blame it on ignorance or naiveness.
I went off alone late at night for what turned out to really be a booty call. I didn’t know the guy really. I wasn’t 100% comfortable but I didn’t listen to my gut instinct. He read my limits and my experience; which was very little. We talked and then fooled around a little. The first time was okay; I was unimpressed really but thought that my inexperience was what was weighing it all down.
Second call became dangerous. During a rough spanking he hit a no go zone. I have a huge scar on my tailbone, it’s visible and well… it’s a place you don’t hit anyhow. I called an end to the play and he acted like his hand slipped. He apologized. I drove home carefully. The next morning I went to the emergency room because my tailbone swelled to the size of an orange. They had to lance the bruise to relieve the pressure.
Now any woman in her right mind would not go back to this guy. Two weeks later; I did. It wasn’t any better. I didn’t have a safe call. His hand ‘slipped’ on my tailbone again. I ended it immediately and drove home.
Thankfully I didn’t have to go back to the doctor. But I did realize something very important. Safety and consensuality aren’t the only things we need to be aware of.
We need to have trust. This man could not be trusted. What he did was partner assault. It was wrong. I know that know. Master gets angry every time I tell this story because I knew him then as friends and he saw me online after I got back from seeing this man and told me never to see him again. I didn’t listen. I should have listened.
Abuse can come in many forms. In this case this man is blacklisted from all the local BDSM groups. I have put out warnings that he does not obey limits to all the dating sites I know. I hope that my story will show others that abuse can happen. I wasn’t going to let it continue.
uncreatedsnow brought this scenario to me and asked if I could talk about it; that it’s good for my theme this year:
Well an old boyfriend was trying to get back together with me, and being disinterested i explained that i was into kink/bdsm/etc. and that it just wouldn’t work or be the same… after explaining to me that he and his last girlfriend did “that stuff” i engaged in a conversation about it, everyone likes to think they are kinky, few really are ya know? We got to talking about how she wanted him to hit her and he did and he can’t see how this is a lifestyle based on love and trust. His words were “she had tears rolling down her face, that’s not love.” And for them, no maybe it wasn’t love, or whatever, but i know that the tears I cry for Sir aren’t anything but an overflow of love and trust and joy.
It’s not an easy topic to cover, but it is one that is helpful for my Blogathon effort today. First being a little bit kinky such as this boyfriend; he had no idea the depths that a lifestyle person reaches. He questioned the girl’s response to the pain she endured and couldn’t see that there would be love and trust in a relationship like that. He saw that the request she made and the actions he took as abuse because of her reaction. It is the interpretation of that reaction that blurs the lines between BDSM and abuse.
Why he thinks it is abuse
He was likely brought up told not to make a woman cry. He was also probably told that he shouldn’t hit a woman. These societal morals are ingrained in men. Hitting people is bad. Physical violence is usually a leading sign of abuse in a relationship. He felt he was hurting her. It wasn’t okay in his mind.
The tears she was crying may have been much like uncreatedsnow feels when she’s with her Sir. It could have been an outpouring of love and emotion. There is a lot of speculation here. Some of which I don’t think I can do justice in my mostly sleepy state.
I’m going to bookmark this post and come back to it when I’m more coherent.
WWTCK_Arthur asks: Can daily masturbation affect your ability to produce children?
Well now that would be so sad if it were true! Unlike women, men have an unlimited supply of the little guys. Masturbation will not affect your sperm production much. In general, the more frequently a man ejaculates, the more efficiently his sperm-producing mechanisms must be in order to “keep up” with the output. It takes about 48 days for a new sperm cell to form, and 14 more days to full maturation. So while a fully functioning sperm-producing mechanism is constantly churning out new sperm, the cells are not immediately available for reproductive purposes.
What can affect it?
- Emotional Stress. Stress may interfere with the hormone GnRH and reduce sperm counts.
- Sexual Issues. In less than 1% of males with infertility problems, a problem with sexual intercourse or technique will affect fertility.
- Impotence, premature ejaculation, or psychologic or relationship problems can contribute to infertility, although these conditions are usually very treatable. Lubricants used with condoms, including spermicides, oils, and Vaseline, can affect fertility. If you need a sperm friendly lubricant, the choice of many couples trying to get pregnant is Pre-Seed.
- Testicular Overheating
- Substance Abuse
- Genetic Factors
- Radiation Treatment
Sheana asks: Are there a lot of vegans in your leather community? And what do they do about the conflict?
Well, I don’t know exact numbers for vegans, but I would assume it’s the same concentration as in the world at large. I know of a few in Iowa that I’ve spoken to personally. For those that may not know what the conflict is; most of the toys that are employed in BDSM are made of leather. Vegans will not use animal products. There are a few BDSM toy stores that cater to this area. Here’s a couple I found. Many of the BDSM practitioners make all their own toys.
Frykitty asks: In Portland there’s a notorious swing club called Ace of Hearts. It’s had to move several times. Right now it’s on 39th. Anyway, it’s just a discreet little place with the ace of hearts sign out, and little else. Can’t see in, naturally. What would happen, do you think, if someone just walked into some place like that? Welcoming? Tossed out the back?
The rules of a swingers club are quite varied, but here’s the general rules. You can’t just walk into a club and expect to be allowed in without a rigorous check of your identity, confirmation that you know what you are here for ( not just a casual lay). Singles are not allowed at all; what’s the point of swinging with yourself! Some clubs have fees, others require references from other members of the club or nearby clubs. You have to sign a waiver for liability, provide condoms or another form of safe sex items.
That’s right folks; we’ve come to the wee hours of the morning where traveling browsers of bloggers will be more of the older crowd so what I’m going to do is open up my blog for sex questions! Now, they don’t have to be kinky in nature. I have regular sex too! I’ve done just about anything so don’t be afraid to ask me.
What do you want to know about sex? Sex safety? Kinky sex? Condoms? Other birth control? Ask me anything!
Is it more difficult to prove that someone has been the victim of abuse in a BDSM relationship than to prove that someone has been abused in a vanilla relationship and, if so, how does one go about proving the abuse?
It’s not really about proving abuse and more about substantiating if consent was given. If you read my previous post you’ll see the comparisons for BDSM and abuse. If a partner did not consent to the activity then it’s abuse. If there is no trust, no communication and the person feels that they aren’t being cared for it could be abuse. You are still human.
The key difference between S&M and Abuse, is “consent”.
Consent = Is an agreed approval of what is done and/or proposed by another.
Abuse = to use so as to injure or damage: MALTREAT
- Is based on the safe, sane, consensual theory
- SM is a controlled environment
- SM has safe words to stop the scene
- In a SM scene the dominant looks out for the well being of the submissive
- SM can be an erotic sexual encounter
- In SM both partners are enjoying themselves
- In SM the dominant respects limits
- In SM there is mutual respect
- In SM the relationship is fulfilling
- In SM both parties feel they contribute towards the relationships
- In SM one can ask their partner to “play”
- In SM relationship there is trust
- In SM a submissive voluntarily serves the dominant
- SM is about building trust
- SM builds self esteem
- SM builds the spirit of a submissive
- Abuse is not negotiated
- Abuse is an out of control environment
- Abuse does not have safe words
- An abuser does not give a damn about the victim
- Abuse is always one sided
- Abuse is never negotiated.
- In abuse, no one is enjoying the results
- The abuser is into non consensual violence
- The victim has no respect towards the abuser
- In abuse the victim is harmed
- In abuse both parties are left unfulfilled
- The abuser always feel they are superior
- A person does not ask for abuse
- In an abusive relationship there is no trust
- The abuser does not care for consent
- Abuse has no trust
- Abuse destroys self esteem
- An abuser destroys the spirit of the victim
Know the Difference. This is the primary importance.
Ask luna #7: Difficulty in proving abuse in SM relationships