I’ve had some very enlightening comments to my situation as of late. I do appreciate every comment I’ve gotten and they have really helped me see a few things about myself that just took someone looking in instead of me looking out.
I choose to be submissive; I guess that’s a harder journey than someone that is naturally so. I am constantly improving and bettering myself. I feel so good to achieve something and I don’t give myself credit for the good things I do every day. When I write in this blog I tend to dwell on the things I’m frustrated with and annoyed with or things that annoy my Master. After all, they are the things that stand out day after day.
Master and I have had a constant dialog about how I’m feeling and what may be at the root of this whole thing. As he sees it I am not bad all the time; in fact he pointed out that I am happily obeying all of my other rules. I have taken huge steps in the protocol of his house and around others. I am a better person and it radiates from me. He’s proud of me and he considers me to be a very good girl. When I make steps back in training they are never as far back as the last time. It’s 2 steps forward one step back. Always. I am progressing and he is proud of me for what I’ve accomplished.
So, to exercise some of what jenfrog said in her comment; I do feel that I’m never good enough. I want to be perfect for him because he is just so perfect for me. Whenever I fail I see it as a huge failure and I over think the situation. I need to play the ‘why’ game with a few of the questions in the previous post.
I know what Master wants, what stops me from doing it?
I don’t want to do it at the time.
Why?
It would interrupt my activity/lack of activity.
Why don’t I want to please him?
It’s not that I don’t want to please him, it’s that I feel inconvenienced.
Why?
I’m being selfish and greedy.
I see the big problem here. I’m so obsessed with me right now that I don’t pay attention to the most important thing here. Caring for Master is caring for me. Giving Master what he wants always makes me happy. There is no reason I should be stopping other than pure selfishness. Selfishness is a negative attitude that I really need to wipe out. I really don’t have anything more important to do when I am home than to serve him.
Bootpig was quite right and she had an excellent point about some bottom types want their submission dragged out of them with discipline and punishment “It requires a whole lot more effort to ask you nicely, wait for your decision, counsel you, follow up and administer a punishment than it does for you to give a blow job.” She’s right and Master isn’t that type. I respond very poorly to punishment. Probably why all of our attempts at punishment for misdeeds has gone horribly wrong. I do excellently in a positive reinforcement environment and I want to show him that I can do it right, be the best I can be whenever possible and if I have shortcomings he appreciates that I can tell him about it.
My actions haven’t been in alignment with my desires and an abrupt about face is the only thing that will correct it with little backsliding. Master told me he wanted sexual service tonight and I did it. No guff, no complaints and no negative reaction. In fact I now feel better than I do when I say no. It really does have a lot to do with the mindset and the positive attitude.
We have begun working on some sort of relaxation ritual when I get home from work because I tend to come home all wound up and grumpy. I’m stuck on work and work situations for hours afterward instead of being able to leave it at the door and enter as his submissive. Starting Monday I am going to be taking a bath after work where I can relax and focus my thoughts on Master. I’m going to start kinky crafting again and maybe even writing poetry. I’ve not done either of those things for almost a year.
In reflection I really do complain a lot about my shortcomings and never really mention what things I do that are right and make him happy. How he got complimented at the last munch because I obeyed his every request and paid attention to his needs without question all night. I am a good girl. He’s said so. I just have to realize this myself.
–luna
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I'm a large, curvy, lustful submissive learning the ropes in a full time D/s relationship. My explorations with love and life and BDSM have brought me closer to the edge of pain and pleasure, deep desires for rope bondage and debauchery but moreso a desire to delve deeper into submission and service to my Master 
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maybe you should make a list of what’s great about you. i know when i did it, it was really a rewarding experience.
no one’s 100% happy all the time, you just have to work through those times and try to be positive.
*hugs*
lee ann
The hard part about the why game is that you have to accept the answers you give. Selfishness is not an entirely bad quality – sometimes it is required, you know? It’s learning when selfishness crosses the line that’s important.
“Caring for Master is caring for me.” That right there was a huge realization, hun. When you can ACCEPT that YOU WANT the needs of someone else to override your own, then it can begin to happen. You know what i mean?
i think you’re taking good steps here, hun…and i’m glad you have your Master, and He’s willing to work with you as you sort all this out. =)
“I’m stuck on work and work situations for hours afterward instead of being able to leave it at the door”
i used to struggle with this very thing. One thing that has helped me and may tie into your relaxation ritual is repeating a mantra on the drive home to myself. i started out with “i’m no longer office manager, i’m His slave” and have had many others over the years – sometimes Master has given me mantras based on behaviors/attitudes He’s seen and wants changed…
Good luck and focus on your own positive qualities.. it’s about progress not perfection.
Wow I really think I needed to read your journal tonight and get caught up with you. This post has helped me out as well and I want to thank you for having the courage to share it.