Bad things come in threes. It’s a saying that I was taught growing up and right now I’m feeling it big time. Three things have fallen in my lap that I knew may happen, just didn’t know it would happen all at once. I’m in shock, I’m depressed and right now I’m helpless. I can just hope that the powers that be will let me survive this round of trials.
It’s moments like these, and I have to say they are very rare; that I wonder what life would be without me in it. It’s a selfishness I entertain not in it’s possible reality, but in the hypothetical realization that I’m tired of this stress, this pain and I want a release from it. Imagining my life no longer interfering with those I love seems to do it on occasion. I’m seeking a peace that is only talked about. I’ve never felt a peace such as that.
I could go on and on about how my life is so hard right now and that I feel that I’ve nowhere to turn, but where would that get me? Where we are is partially my fault too. Every chain of events lead to this moment. It was inevitable. I have to face the fact that I must endure this hardship, like one I have triumphed over a few years ago. It will make me more aware, hopefully a better person and I know I will be more humble.
During my cold Master only requires the basics of me. In this household that is coffee and dinner. He’s very lax over the rest of my rules and I’m so very grateful, the only things I seem to be able to do well is drippy, sneezy, coughing and sleeping. Ick.
Work was pretty hard too. I can’t remember the last time I worked while being sick. I don’t recommend it. I felt that all I had to do was close my eyes and I’d be asleep. I was really hot and then I was sweating, then hot and then sweating again. I believe part of that was a low grade fever which I’ve been told that means I’m getting better. I hope I get better faster rather than later. I have a long week ahead of me.
I’m amazed at how much sleep I am getting. I feel like I should be refreshed, but I wake up just as sleepy as when I went to bed. I’m fighting a losing battle with the sheets. Speaking of sheets, nothing is happening between them and even with my cold I’m sexually frustrated.
If you’ve ever seen the ‘Friends’ episode where Monica tries to get Chandler into bed while she is sick.. it’s not a proposition Master is entertaining. I don’t expect him too either. Frustration is the ruler of the day. God I want to make up for it though when I’m better. It’s been too long.
I woke up this morning feeling fine. Got to work and felt fine…
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks on my chest. I have a cold. I hate colds. Master says I look horrible. It’s pretty much slapped me down. This cold has said, “You can’t have a fun sex and kink filled weekend! I won’t let you!”
And I’m depressed. I wanted to have lots of fun. Master wanted to have lots of fun.
And now I have nothing to say. I feel like I’m in a cloud. This is no fair. Dang it.
Master is waiting for a blowjob. He wants a full service blow job. I’ve had reasons for not doing it that have been valid up until now.
And then today I want to give him a blowjob but I don’t want it to be the full service kind. I want the opening act type. I want the huge tease leading to sex.
Why is it that when there is a difference such as this I just shut off. I talk to myself over and over, “It’s service, just do it and maybe you’ll get what you want.” “He’s been waiting for you to serve him, how hard can it be?”"Why the hell is it so hard?”
The self talk doesn’t seem to be helping. I’m still thinking that yeah it’s hard and I should be able to do it.
It’s sex for criminey sake. I want sex right? Right. So get my ass up and suck his cock right? Why in the world can’t I get past it?
Who will win? He will, he always does.*sigh*
I’m here. I’m posting, but as I’ve read many times from others… I have nothing to say. I can hope that a river of thoughts rushes past my fingertips so that a post will exist when I am done.
I’m struggling with another headache, nothing like the one that caused me such anguish last week. It is still horrible because it is again forcing me to postpone my worship of Master. I have promised him a blowjob for over 8 days now and not been able to provide for one reason or another. I look forward to it so all these things that fall in the way can’t be psychological in nature. It will happen. And when it does I know that it will be special.
Summer is arriving and I want to be able to enjoy it more than I have in previous summers. I want to go out on picnics/grill outs. I want to enjoy time with Master doing things that normal people do on dates. I want to have time where the stress of living is postponed for the moment and I just am. I am his submissive in whatever capacity he desires. I am at peace.
We’ve had a week from heck haven’t we? Migraines and money stress but to cap it off I think we had some of the best sex in a long time. Each week I can see us growing as a couple and I’m only given glimpses into your soul.
When I was down with the migraine I saw such worry in your eyes when you came to check on me. My heart was torn between reassuring you that I would be fine and just falling into your arms so that you could care for me as I know you wanted to. I’m so grateful for your desire to take care of me. Even at my most weak I know that you will be there to hold me up and watch over me. Thank you for that Master.
You tell me that you are proud of me. I want to say that I’m also proud of you. All that you do to make yourself better, to work towards our happiness and your fulfillment as a person. You bring me such joy and love and I want to give that back to you in full, plus interest.
Last night’s fun was so wonderfully exciting. It’s times like that when I can let go of my worry and stress and just be there in the moment with you. Pleasure and pleasing you are my only priorities. God it felt good to be in my slut element and watch you revel in it. I want to serve you for as long as I can. You please me just as much as I please you.
The exchange of energy that we have with each other is so powerful. I’ve been so glad for your smile when I get home from work and I take for granted that welcome home kiss that I’ve forgotten just how grounded it makes me. I am here in your arms and that’s where I want to be.
I didn’t make my diet goal for the week, and not being able to weigh until I’m under 300 so that the old scale we have can read right is going to drive me nuts! So, no haircut. Better luck next week, right? I’m going to keep the same goals and hopefully I can get that haircut next week. I can do this with your guidance.
I love you Master.
Waking early today I went about my usual routine. Then it just struck me… I was horny as all heck. I argued with the idea of waking Master so early and sat down to watch some porn. Of course anyone who enjoys porn knows that it doesn’t help the situation, it enhances the desire. After about 15 mins I got up and walked into the bedroom on a mission.
I slipped into bed and my hand under the covers to Master’s dick. If he were interested he’d wake up smiling. If he weren’t he’d roll over and go back to sleep. I was in luck. He peeked his eyes open and smiled, “Mmm, that’s good baby.”
I confessed my need and asked if he wanted to fuck me. His decision was instant. Let’s just say this morning was delicious. I know he’s in a wonderful mood right now too. Oh what a little physical bliss can do!
On to my other routine of the morning; email. I read a post on a list I’m a member and it has me thinking. I’m going to make it my Luna’s Lessons post for this weekend but I thought I’d try to talk it out here and if I can get some input from you, that would be great to.
The person wonders,
Most of us want to get “something” out of a scene and most of us want to get something “good” out of a scene. What happens when things don’t go quite the way you expected? How do you confront and sort through anything from a major catastrophe (serious injury, law enforcement, etc.) to the minor replaying of the scene and how you would have done things differently?
I’d like to add to this the following question; What happens when one or the other breaks out of their head space and can’t go on? How do you deal with ensuing crash of the other partner?
I’ll be thinking about these questions and trying to come up with my response for Luna’s Lessons this weekend. I’d love to know your thoughts.
Well, I’ve made it to the middle of the week and I’m still battling the migraine from Monday night. I’ve got it under control and I was able to go to work today but I’ve still got the achy head, sensitive eyes going on. I wish it would go away completely because it’s tapping my energy. We all know that’s not at the optimum right now.
I’ve begun my healthy life change full force again this week with goals to set and a reward in tow if I stay within them. My goals are small but will improve my outlook leaps and bounds. If you want to follow me on my diet you can go to Thick N Thin, my collaborative dieters blog, where I keep a running dialog with myself and my goals as well as the other dieters. So far I’ve stayed on track, but I still have until Sunday to maintain the momentum to get my reward. This week I’ve set a reward to get my hair cut! I’m allowed to get about 3 inches cut off and I thought that since I want it so badly I will work hard to stay on target in order to get it. If I don’t stay on target I have to wait.
I’m trying to come up with similar rewards for small goals achieved. I know that when I make it to 5 lbs lost and maintained (or continue loosing) for 3 weeks that I want to go out to the movies with Master if he’ll allow me to take him If you have ideas for relatively cheap or free rewards for myself, feel free to drop them in my comment box. I’m all ears.
Master is waiting anxiously for our violet wand. A new friend that we saw on Saturday said he was sure he’d be able to fix it and he did! So, we have a working authentic violet wand with a wax core that we go from Ebay for 45 bux! I’m sure there will be play involved when we get it returned to us and I can’t wait. It is certainly a unique experience and something that could become a passion of Master’s; much like wax play is.
This week I’ve been looking at apartments. Master and I are hoping to move at the end of this summer and I wanted to see where prices are in the location we will be moving to. It’s not far from where we are, but the location I like is about 5 miles from work. We are looking at 2 bedrooms so that Master can have an office and we can have more space all around. Just have to save our pennies!
I’ve not caught up with reading everyone since Monday and I don’t know if I will be able to as time marches on and I’m way behind. Oh well, I can’t expect everyone to stay on top of what’s going on in my life either. It’s a wonder I keep the attention of some when I get into mundane posts like this. My mind really can’t dive into submissive thoughts until it stops hurting. I hope that will be this weekend. I want to post to Luna’s Lessons this weekend. It’s been two weeks since I’ve really thought hard about my life and role as Master’s submissive. I need to refocus some thoughts.
Tomorrow is just one day closer to payday and a dinner out with Master. I look forward to these times as they seem special even when it’s the diner down the street. It’s a time away from the tv and computer when we can just be with each other. It’s the simple things that make me happy and it’s all about time. I could be showered with baubles and material things but if I didn’t get the attention and time with Master it wouldn’t mean a thing. Those simple things fuel my happiness.
Last night and today have been spent curled up in bed with the mother of all migraines. I woke up last night after going to bed early in cold sweats and the worst pain I have been in for many many months. I had all the classics; from sensitivity to light and sounds, dizziness, cold sweats, low grade fever and nausea. I was hot, I was cold. It was too loud and then too quiet. Too much light, then too dark. Just no middle ground.
Master came in to see if there was anything he could do to which I thought, “Yeah, turn the fan off, it’s making too much noise but make it keep working because I’m hot.”
I spent two hours tossing and turning with Master in quite a state of worry while I prayed aloud to just throw up so that I could feel better. I got my wish around 2am. I was actually able to sleep a bit until the alarm went off at 4:30, 4:45 and then finally at 5am. I got up, and realized that the headache wasn’t gone but I thought that maybe it would fade for me by the time I got to work.
I was wrong. No sooner had I walked in the door than I went racing to the bathroom praying aloud again that no one was in there to hear me. I called my boss who sent a backup employee immediately to my site. Four hours after leaving the bedroom I found myself back in it. I’m up now because I was hungry and knew that I hadn’t posted yesterday like I normally do.
I’m not here long, there’s only so much staring at a computer screen I can tolerate without my head exploding. I’m alive, just not coherent right now. I’m going back to the bliss of not having to think.