To continue on the same thread that has been swimming around this blog for the past week; Master and I had a discussion about my eagerness to say no and what it means for our relationship. If you’ve been reading you know that I’ve been having problems with obedience. Master tells me he wants something and I outright say no or I put it off until it just can’t be put off any longer. This obviously makes Master quite upset.
If I’m to continue growing and becoming as I wish to be I need to break down this wall. I have to understand what is going on when he asks me something; which is what he does. He doesn’t demand or insist, it’s always a polite request. Most of the time I don’t even blink and just say no. I don’t give it any thought. I just don’t want to do it. Well hell, now that is definitely error #1. Why don’t I want to please him? Why is it always sexual things that are the big hang up?
I don’t have any good excuse; I’m out of reasons as to my outright denial of service. It’s not like he doesn’t care for me or that I’m left to my own devises ever. He’s always been right there for me, so why can’t I be there for him when he wants me to be?
There are a few flaws or shall we say concerns on both sides. First is with the delivery of the request. I guess I could say that I don’t take him very seriously or find that the way he asks for things make them priority. It’s almost like he’s saying, “When you have time, I’d like a blow job.” No where in there is there a time frame for completion even though he has expressed that when he asks for something he wants it rather immediately.
Second flaw is how I respond. I don’t even think about what he is asking me and what it could mean for the betterment of our daily relationship. I just respond with the easiest thing for me; the answer that would inconvenience me the least. God that sounds so horrible doesn’t it, but it’s true. I’m in an attitude right now that is very condusive to a dying relationship; not a living thriving one. I can’t allow myself to fall to far behind; if I loose his collar again I don’t think there is any going back. I have to work to keep this one and I’ve not been doing that.
The final flaw in this is the punishment for my lack of obedience. Currently there is none. He gets grumpy and huffy for awhile but that’s all there has been lately. Tonight he asked me what I’d think is an appropriate punishment. First I was baffled. Why in the world would you ask me? 1.) I don’t want to suggest punishment because I’d be really good at suggesting what I would absolutely hate. 2.) I don’t think a submissive should be choosing her own punishments. 3.) I feel that the discipline side of things should be all his domain. I give that control over to him gladly. I just hate the idea of me being in charge of my own punishment.
Now I understand his question of wanting to know what I think would be suitable. Really I’m at a roadblock. The things that run through my mind are all things I’ve either read about on other blogs or that I have thought up myself. Perhaps I could make Master a list of all the punishments I can think of and he can play “close your eyes and point” when I need to be punished?
Okay so that was being a smart ass and I’m sure I’ll get railed for that but I’m at a standstill with punishment. It should not be my decision but he’s really pissed off at me for not coming up with anything for him; like he doesn’t know what he should do either. And if that is the case, what in the world do we do? Stare at each other till someone blinks?
Now the real issue here is that I am not obedient all the time. In fact it’s slowly gotten worse. I’ll show off in front of lifestyle people, but behind closed doors I’m terrible. I don’t keep it in the forefront at all and it really should be there. I’m asking for some help from anyone that wants to offer advice. How do you keep your Dominant partner’s pleasure and happiness in the forefront when so much goes on that crowds your mind? How can I change myself to become more aware of things around me that I could do to enhance his daily life?
I know what Master wants, what stops me from doing it? When did I become more important? Do all submissives have this problem or is it that I’m just not fitting into the mold? Why can I come up with more questions than answers?