Monthly Archives: May 2007

To Continue a Thought

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To continue on the same thread that has been swimming around this blog for the past week; Master and I had a discussion about my eagerness to say no and what it means for our relationship. If you’ve been reading you know that I’ve been having problems with obedience. Master tells me he wants something and I outright say no or I put it off until it just can’t be put off any longer. This obviously makes Master quite upset.

If I’m to continue growing and becoming as I wish to be I need to break down this wall. I have to understand what is going on when he asks me something; which is what he does. He doesn’t demand or insist, it’s always a polite request. Most of the time I don’t even blink and just say no. I don’t give it any thought. I just don’t want to do it. Well hell, now that is definitely error #1. Why don’t I want to please him? Why is it always sexual things that are the big hang up?

I don’t have any good excuse; I’m out of reasons as to my outright denial of service. It’s not like he doesn’t care for me or that I’m left to my own devises ever. He’s always been right there for me, so why can’t I be there for him when he wants me to be?

There are a few flaws or shall we say concerns on both sides. First is with the delivery of the request. I guess I could say that I don’t take him very seriously or find that the way he asks for things make them priority. It’s almost like he’s saying, “When you have time, I’d like a blow job.” No where in there is there a time frame for completion even though he has expressed that when he asks for something he wants it rather immediately.

Second flaw is how I respond. I don’t even think about what he is asking me and what it could mean for the betterment of our daily relationship. I just respond with the easiest thing for me; the answer that would inconvenience me the least. God that sounds so horrible doesn’t it, but it’s true. I’m in an attitude right now that is very condusive to a dying relationship; not a living thriving one. I can’t allow myself to fall to far behind; if I loose his collar again I don’t think there is any going back. I have to work to keep this one and I’ve not been doing that.

The final flaw in this is the punishment for my lack of obedience. Currently there is none. He gets grumpy and huffy for awhile but that’s all there has been lately. Tonight he asked me what I’d think is an appropriate punishment. First I was baffled. Why in the world would you ask me? 1.) I don’t want to suggest punishment because I’d be really good at suggesting what I would absolutely hate. 2.) I don’t think a submissive should be choosing her own punishments. 3.) I feel that the discipline side of things should be all his domain. I give that control over to him gladly. I just hate the idea of me being in charge of my own punishment.

Now I understand his question of wanting to know what I think would be suitable. Really I’m at a roadblock. The things that run through my mind are all things I’ve either read about on other blogs or that I have thought up myself. Perhaps I could make Master a list of all the punishments I can think of and he can play “close your eyes and point” when I need to be punished?

Okay so that was being a smart ass and I’m sure I’ll get railed for that but I’m at a standstill with punishment. It should not be my decision but he’s really pissed off at me for not coming up with anything for him; like he doesn’t know what he should do either. And if that is the case, what in the world do we do? Stare at each other till someone blinks?

Now the real issue here is that I am not obedient all the time. In fact it’s slowly gotten worse. I’ll show off in front of lifestyle people, but behind closed doors I’m terrible. I don’t keep it in the forefront at all and it really should be there. I’m asking for some help from anyone that wants to offer advice. How do you keep your Dominant partner’s pleasure and happiness in the forefront when so much goes on that crowds your mind? How can I change myself to become more aware of things around me that I could do to enhance his daily life?

I know what Master wants, what stops me from doing it? When did I become more important? Do all submissives have this problem or is it that I’m just not fitting into the mold? Why can I come up with more questions than answers?

–luna

Thursday Question #2: Favorite Spanking Toy

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Every week there will be a BDSM question posed to readers here at luna’s Journey. Feel free to answer it as candidly as you’d like.

This will be a regular weekly addition to the site, come back often and see what people have to say!

This week’s question:

What is your favorite spanking/impact toy? Do you remember where you got it from?

Audio Posts Poll

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I’ve been thinking about doing audio posts on occasion. Care to give me your input?

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Pain in the…

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A toothache developed yesterday around lunch time. It festered all night long, kept me up all night long and this morning it wasn’t any better. I made the decision to find a dentist to look at my tooth in the morning. The whole time I was thinking it’s a cavity and they will fill it; I’ll be on my way. Two and half hours later with 2 more to go, I’ve had my first root canal. I’m wearing a temporary filling and will be returning on the 8th to get a permanent filling and a crown put on. The pain was nothing compared to the bill of this emergency dentistry. Ugh.

I got my benefits information for medical and dental insurance now that I’ve been with the company for a year. I have to try to figure out how to afford the cheap plan; some is better than none right? With some this root canal may have been cut to half or something. Master says we can’t afford health insurance. I’m thinking what if something bigger happens and I need hospitalization or something? Can we afford that? I think I’m going to have to talk with him and see how we can make it work. There has to be some way. I have until July 9th to decide.

I’m having a very weird period. It’s very light and the cramps are horrible. Normal for me is quite heavy. Hmm.

Master bought some really nice 9mm rope yesterday. 100 ft worth. He wants to tie me up tonight and force that blow job out of me. It just may happen :) Can you safely give a blow job with a temporary filling? I’m afraid I might scrape him or something with my sharp tooth.

Maybe he’ll take some pictures of me in rope someday to share with everyone. That would be fun!

He wasn’t happy with the rant “essay” I wrote on Luna’s Lessons. He said that I was just pissy and didn’t see his side of things which is true. We talked about it and I do see his side. I’m totally not being submissive in that case and I can’t explain how to change myself for him. I really do have a problem with being given a choice and just doing it. When he asks for something like a blow job I get the perception that I can do it whenever; not instantly. So I put it off for as long as I can not get in trouble for it. What I need to do is just do it when he asks for it, no thought at all to what I do or don’t want. It’s about pleasing him right? Duh. So much to ponder. Maybe it’s time I face the real reason for my hesitation and talk about that. Whatever that may be.

–luna

Public Playtime

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Master and I went to a play party yesterday. The exciting thing for me is that Master wanted to bring toys. We have never played in front of people and he has said he had to be very comfortable before he would do that. I was super happy when he pulled out the toys to pack in the bag. We were going to play! Now he did say that his mood might change and we could very well just be watching. I held out all hope that we would be having fun.

When we got there it became apparent that Master was in a good mood and that we would most likely at least be frisky. Not long into the visit I asked to disrobe because I was getting warm. He allowed it. :) We had some wonderful conversation with others that were there and I felt so comfortable with the other submissives in the room all in various modes of nudity.

Master pulled out his clothespins. He methodically put them on my breasts in color coordinated order. He said so that I could decorate the room. Show me off. I wore them for quite awhile before he took them off and admired the impressions. I loved it too. Everyone was watching me and him together. We were like the lead dancers.

Master’s eyes lit up when the hostess brought out her toybag to show some of the more unique toys she had. Master tested out a cupping kit and swiftly added it to his ‘I gotta have one’ list. She brought out a curious toy that was actually a pervertable she picked up from a dollar store. It looked like a wok brush but the ends were much much longer. This is a wok brush:

Turns out what she had was a form of rug beater. I had always visioned rug beaters to be hard loops of wood or wire. You know the type. It was lovely to listen to striking someone and the sensation was beautiful and hard to describe. It’s certainly a thud more than sting unless the tips are employed.

She had some other very unique toys that I couldn’t even name, and some that I’d like to have one day. Master really enjoyed the disposable Wartenburg’s wheel she let us play with!

After show and tell Master pulled out his rope and started preparing me for a breast harness. He loves breast play and I know he loves rope as well. It’s a great mix and I love it too. Since Master is still learning he brought with him the rope bondage how to book I got him for a gift. I helped him hold it while he bound me up. A helper in my own demise really.

After my breasts were nicely in the harness he had rope left over, so what does he do but thread it through my legs, with a knot and then back up to the front of the harness. At this point I was having a hard time concentrating and got in trouble twice for not focusing on Master and paying attention to the rest of the room! Out came the blindfold and gag. He was determined to have my focus be on him alone and I was reluctantly placed in my own world only he existed.

Not only the wheel was used on my tender breasts, but my favorite toy, the octocrop ( a crop with an end like a rubber mini flogger) . This thing does nothing but cause me to jump and squirm and it stings so deliciously! I don’t know how long that lasted; the dance between the Wartenburg’s wheel and the whippy crop. It was great. I was buzzing and floating and feeling good when he finally freed my from my dark, gagged world.

The marks he left were lovely. I have a freckling of red bite marks from the crop that will last for days yet and he smiles when he sees them. Our first public play was lots of fun and I’m sure that will lead to more now that he has his footing. A wonderful time!

–luna

Letter to Master 5-28-07 (1 day late)

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Dear Master,

I know you know this is late. I know you know that my mood last night was not going to be conducive to writing. I’m glad that you are allowing me the chance to write this one late. I love you for being stern and yet flexible.

Yesterday’s play party was wonderful. I was so happy that you were open to playing around others. I had always gotten the impression that you didn’t want to. To have you do it was fantastic and I felt so wonderful and loved. You also made it a point to remind me that I was the center of attention; something I thrive on in situations like that. You are so great at playing to my strengths.

You told me that I was your good girl and that makes me feel so great. I work so hard at showing you that I can be the gem on your arm and an obedient girl at your feet. Thank you for giving me the chance to be that for you. The marks I have from yesterday are wonderful reminders of our first open play. I hope I can honor you with more fun times at parties and in private.

Our life sure is looking up isn’t it? We’ve got money coming in any day now, we have positive plans for the future and friends to spend time with that we love to be around. It’s like our dreams for happiness are ready to surround us. I hope we can keep this fantastic ride going; because I want to continue to soar!

You make my life more than I ever thought it could be. I’ve never been happier or more fulfilled. Thank you so much Master for the compassion and joy, the spontaneous gaiety and the pleasure you bring me and radiate out of you every single time we gaze into each other’s eyes.

–me

The Friday Five

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From The Friday Five

1. What is your favorite board game? Clue, it was always Ms. Scarlett in the Dining Room with a candlestick.


2. What is your favorite card game? Nertz (it’s a made up word for a game my mother taught me, that her mother taught her.) It’s like playing solitaire against many people. Each person has their own deck. You can play on anyone’s ACE cards. Ya know the ones you match suit and stack up on. The first one to run out of cards in their pull pile wins and shouts “Nertz”. Then you counted all your cards in the middle (ACE cards) that you played on. Grandma always played with 20 cards in her pull pile while everyone else played with 10. I think I won 1 out of every 10 games against her. I don’t know how she did it. I miss her and the long rolls of calculator paper that we kept the points on. It could go on for years and years of ‘saved’ games. I cried when we threw them out after she died.

3. Do you like to play games on the computer or on a gaming system? Gaming system is preferable. The couch is so much more comfy than the desk chair.

4. If so, what is your favorite game to play? Final Fantasy series games


5. Do you like to play games with people or to play them alone? I like to play alone or watch other people play. I love watching people play actually. Like a backseat driver I guess.

Tired all the time

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I’m sleepy all the time. I go to bed at 9:30, get up at 4:30 and I still am sleepy all the time. I’ve almost fallen asleep at the wheel on the way to work, I yawn all during work. I feel like I could be asleep before my eyelids fall. I come home and am sleepy, I try not to take naps; usually I fail.

I’m not interested in sex as much because I’m tired, I don’t want to do much of anything anymore. I piss Master off all the time because I’m too tired for this and that. I go to bed too early for him. I can’t stay awake long enough for anything and I’m worried.

What if I’m ill? What if this sleepiness won’t go away? What if I become dependent on caffeine? What if this ruins our relationship? What if I stop caring?

Master wanted to go see a movie tonight but by the time we decided to go it was 8:30 which put starting times at 9:30-10pm. On a normal day that way too late for me. When did it become too late? Why the hell can’t I stay awake like an adult is supposed to be able to do? I feel like I’ve become an adult with a 7 year olds bedtime. Fuck this pisses me off.

I just want to be normal; complain of insomnia once in a while, thrive on 6-7 hours of sleep and not have to take damn naps every 4 hours. What’s so hard in that?

–luna

Thursday Question #1: BDSM Defining Moment

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Every week there will be a BDSM question posed to readers here at luna’s Journey. Feel free to answer it as candidly as you’d like.

This will be a regular weekly addition to the site, come back often and see what people have to say!

This week’s question:

What was your defining moment when you knew that you couldn’t exist without facets of BDSM in your life?

A Thank You

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Recently I got a wonderful email from an anonymous person that made me choked up. It was so sweet and wonderful to know that my blog is not only helping me, but it’s helping others. Here’s a snippet of what she said;

When reading your blogs I feel that I can connect to you. I can connect to your submission. Contrary to what the public may think…this is not about manipulation.
So thank you. Thank you for being so open. Thank you for providing insight. And thank you for helping me to better understand my role and that of my master.

Beautiful isn’t it? Thank you to whomever you are. I hope that I can continue to be someone that you can look up to and see yourself in. Growth from the inside starts with a light on the outside. Perhaps I can be your light.

–luna

Cane Strikes

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Tonight is the night I get my punishment for breaking rules. I’m not looking forward to it but the wait has done it’s job mightily. I am reminded of what is to come every single time I drive by a fast food place. No way will I do this again. It’s not worth the disappointment in his eyes.

That’s the point of course. If I didn’t learn from my mistakes and punishment didn’t do what it was supposed to then there would be no point in trying to do anything. I admit I take punishment very hard. My mood drops immensely after being punished and I tend to beat myself up over it. Self-guilt most likely.

It takes me awhile to get over it; the disappointment in myself is hard to take but the look in Master’s eyes is worse.

–luna

Letter to Master 5-20-07

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Dear Master,

I’m so glad to see you getting better Master. I felt so bad to know that I had given you my cold. Thankfully you didn’t get it as bad as I had it.

You know I’m not looking forward to tomorrow when I get my punishment for breaking your rules. I will submit to it and learn from it as I should. I am really sorry and I won’t do it again. Facing a pending punishment is scary but it has me constantly thinking. You still love me and want to be with me even though I have done something wrong. It’s taken a lot to wrap my head around it.

On to other things… I need your help. My diet is not working alone. You are my rock but I need you to be a more active role. I need to be pushed to do things that I normally don’t like. I need you to hold me up. I must exercise and I want you to help make me. Help me Master, please.

–me

I 19

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Anyone catch the new game show National Bingo Night? It looks quite interesting and fun. We just might watch and play. It’s on 8pm Central on ABC. It’s kewl.

My punishment is coming for breaking rules. Master said I’m getting cane strokes. I hate that. He doesn’t want to interrupt our possible play so he doesn’t know when I will get this punishment. Oh my… I have to wait for what I dread. It may be worse since I have to wait for what I know will happen. Serves me right that I broke the rules to begin with.

  1. I ate fast food.
  2. I didn’t tell Master about it.
  3. I tried to hide it when asked.

Those are big rules. It makes me nervous to know the caning coming. (*sigh*)

I’m also hoping to do some coloring this weekend. Master has mentioned that he wants a new picture to hang on the fridge. Maybe bring out my Barbie coloring book :)

–luna

The Friday Five

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  1. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping? Yup, I have.
  2. When you’re home alone, do you strip down to get comfortable? Do you ever go out without underwear (bra and/or panties) because it’s more comfortable? I do strip down to undies only. Master can’t understand why I keep them on, but he hasn’t insisted the they come off either. I’ve gone out without bra more than no panties. My boobs really hurt near my period and sometimes no bra is a relief.
  3. Have you ever/Do you use the bathroom with the door open? Are you comfortable using public facilities? Yes, I do it doesn’t bother me. I’m fine with public facilities completely.
  4. When getting intimate with your significant other, lights on or off? On mostly, I hate fucking in the dark. Dimm, candles, or full on blast. Doesn’t matter.
  5. How comfortable are you with body exposure/nudity of others? Group shower rooms?, topless/nude beaches?, breastfeeding in public? I can be nude in front of others, othes can be nude in front of me. It’s all fine.

So Says the Universe

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Here’s some inspiration from the Universe today. I needed to hear it too.

Do not be alarmed, luna, as you walk down the path of life, to suddenly find you don’t have the foggiest idea of how your grandest dreams will one day come to pass. This is a good thing. A really good thing.

Just keep walking…
The Universe

PS: luna, such confusion over the “hows” creates the space you need to enjoy the journey and the space I need to blow your mind. Just keep walking.

Today is going to be a busy day. I won’t have time to sit down to breathe at work. Thank goodness I know I can do it all!

–luna

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

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I’m feeling a lot better today. My cold has subsided; I just have the annoying crusty nose syndrome… anyone else think that’s worse than the runny nose to begin with? Ugh. I’m not tired all the time and Master even deemed it time to get back into sex! Yay me! Maybe by Saturday I’ll be well enough to kiss him. Heh, not that we don’t already share all the same germs.

The struggles are still here. It’s a lighter load though. I was able to divert on financial crisis and maybe I can temporarily postpone another. I’m still working on it. It’s still going to be a tough couple of weeks. Thankfully I don’t pay for the server I use, however the internet is another story…. yah, gotta pay that or Master doesn’t work. So where did we trim the budget. Food. Uh huh… nothing scrumptious for awhile in this house. Just bare necessities. Besides after June we should be good to go. There is light at the end of to tunnel.

Master and I still dream though. We want to go to all the movies we’ve been waiting for. I want to do some more things together outside the home, munches, dinners and then there are company parties coming up too. Oh and the Iowa State Fair. All this I want to do. We will have to see how things are when it comes time for these.

I’ve been a bad girl and Master found out. I don’t know why I didn’t tell him as soon as it happened, but now that he knows I have punishment coming when I’m better. I have no clue what is going to happen but it can’t be great. I’ve been getting fast food, when I know it is forbidden. It has been since the start and I know it’s a downfall of mine. I just crave it sometimes. I’ve been really bad lately. Kinda a comfort thing I think. I don’t know what this will mean for punishment as Master isn’t the physical type but I will have to be prepared for it. Ouch will be an understatement I’ m sure.

–luna

Letter to Master 5-13-07

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Dear Master,

I really hate being sick. Not just because I’m sick really; everyone hates that, but because I am not performing my duties as your girl. The house didn’t get cleaned this weekend, the dishes only barely got done. I’ve been been able to please you sexually and I just feel like what I have been able to give you has been inadequate. You have been so wonderful in your patience and love for me this weekend. You’ve given me comfort… at a distance since I know you don’t want to be sick either. You have worried about me and I know you are willing to be relaxed in my rules and duties until I can recover. I’m so grateful for that.

We have a hard few weeks coming up. I hope that we can continue to be strong for each other and find things in our everyday that will lift us up and make us happy to be alive. The struggle we will be facing is only the immediate issue. I can see the end, there will be a time this summer when we aren’t fighting to live, where we can enjoy life as a whole and a time when we can be closer to each other without the worries of survival. I know I obsess over the here and now way too much. With your ability to live in the moment I know I can find a way to just be with you; no matter what tomorrow might bring.

I love you Master. I’m here for you and I want to continue to please you and be yours. (Just as soon as I get rid of this darn cold!)

–me