May 2007

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To continue on the same thread that has been swimming around this blog for the past week; Master and I had a discussion about my eagerness to say no and what it means for our relationship. If you’ve been reading you know that I’ve been having problems with obedience. Master tells me he wants something and I outright say no or I put it off until it just can’t be put off any longer. This obviously makes Master quite upset.

If I’m to continue growing and becoming as I wish to be I need to break down this wall. I have to understand what is going on when he asks me something; which is what he does. He doesn’t demand or insist, it’s always a polite request. Most of the time I don’t even blink and just say no. I don’t give it any thought. I just don’t want to do it. Well hell, now that is definitely error #1. Why don’t I want to please him? Why is it always sexual things that are the big hang up?

I don’t have any good excuse; I’m out of reasons as to my outright denial of service. It’s not like he doesn’t care for me or that I’m left to my own devises ever. He’s always been right there for me, so why can’t I be there for him when he wants me to be?

There are a few flaws or shall we say concerns on both sides. First is with the delivery of the request. I guess I could say that I don’t take him very seriously or find that the way he asks for things make them priority. It’s almost like he’s saying, “When you have time, I’d like a blow job.” No where in there is there a time frame for completion even though he has expressed that when he asks for something he wants it rather immediately.

Second flaw is how I respond. I don’t even think about what he is asking me and what it could mean for the betterment of our daily relationship. I just respond with the easiest thing for me; the answer that would inconvenience me the least. God that sounds so horrible doesn’t it, but it’s true. I’m in an attitude right now that is very condusive to a dying relationship; not a living thriving one. I can’t allow myself to fall to far behind; if I loose his collar again I don’t think there is any going back. I have to work to keep this one and I’ve not been doing that.

The final flaw in this is the punishment for my lack of obedience. Currently there is none. He gets grumpy and huffy for awhile but that’s all there has been lately. Tonight he asked me what I’d think is an appropriate punishment. First I was baffled. Why in the world would you ask me? 1.) I don’t want to suggest punishment because I’d be really good at suggesting what I would absolutely hate. 2.) I don’t think a submissive should be choosing her own punishments. 3.) I feel that the discipline side of things should be all his domain. I give that control over to him gladly. I just hate the idea of me being in charge of my own punishment.

Now I understand his question of wanting to know what I think would be suitable. Really I’m at a roadblock. The things that run through my mind are all things I’ve either read about on other blogs or that I have thought up myself. Perhaps I could make Master a list of all the punishments I can think of and he can play “close your eyes and point” when I need to be punished?

Okay so that was being a smart ass and I’m sure I’ll get railed for that but I’m at a standstill with punishment. It should not be my decision but he’s really pissed off at me for not coming up with anything for him; like he doesn’t know what he should do either. And if that is the case, what in the world do we do? Stare at each other till someone blinks?

Now the real issue here is that I am not obedient all the time. In fact it’s slowly gotten worse. I’ll show off in front of lifestyle people, but behind closed doors I’m terrible. I don’t keep it in the forefront at all and it really should be there. I’m asking for some help from anyone that wants to offer advice. How do you keep your Dominant partner’s pleasure and happiness in the forefront when so much goes on that crowds your mind? How can I change myself to become more aware of things around me that I could do to enhance his daily life?

I know what Master wants, what stops me from doing it? When did I become more important? Do all submissives have this problem or is it that I’m just not fitting into the mold? Why can I come up with more questions than answers?

–luna

Every week there will be a BDSM question posed to readers here at luna’s Journey. Feel free to answer it as candidly as you’d like.

This will be a regular weekly addition to the site, come back often and see what people have to say!

This week’s question:

What is your favorite spanking/impact toy? Do you remember where you got it from?

I’ve been thinking about doing audio posts on occasion. Care to give me your input?

<a href=”http://www.polldaddy.com” >polls</a> – <a href=”http://www.polldaddy.com/poll.asp?p=46888″ >Take Our Poll</a>

Pain in the…

A toothache developed yesterday around lunch time. It festered all night long, kept me up all night long and this morning it wasn’t any better. I made the decision to find a dentist to look at my tooth in the morning. The whole time I was thinking it’s a cavity and they will fill it; I’ll be on my way. Two and half hours later with 2 more to go, I’ve had my first root canal. I’m wearing a temporary filling and will be returning on the 8th to get a permanent filling and a crown put on. The pain was nothing compared to the bill of this emergency dentistry. Ugh.

I got my benefits information for medical and dental insurance now that I’ve been with the company for a year. I have to try to figure out how to afford the cheap plan; some is better than none right? With some this root canal may have been cut to half or something. Master says we can’t afford health insurance. I’m thinking what if something bigger happens and I need hospitalization or something? Can we afford that? I think I’m going to have to talk with him and see how we can make it work. There has to be some way. I have until July 9th to decide.

I’m having a very weird period. It’s very light and the cramps are horrible. Normal for me is quite heavy. Hmm.

Master bought some really nice 9mm rope yesterday. 100 ft worth. He wants to tie me up tonight and force that blow job out of me. It just may happen :) Can you safely give a blow job with a temporary filling? I’m afraid I might scrape him or something with my sharp tooth.

Maybe he’ll take some pictures of me in rope someday to share with everyone. That would be fun!

He wasn’t happy with the rant “essay” I wrote on Luna’s Lessons. He said that I was just pissy and didn’t see his side of things which is true. We talked about it and I do see his side. I’m totally not being submissive in that case and I can’t explain how to change myself for him. I really do have a problem with being given a choice and just doing it. When he asks for something like a blow job I get the perception that I can do it whenever; not instantly. So I put it off for as long as I can not get in trouble for it. What I need to do is just do it when he asks for it, no thought at all to what I do or don’t want. It’s about pleasing him right? Duh. So much to ponder. Maybe it’s time I face the real reason for my hesitation and talk about that. Whatever that may be.

–luna

A new essay has been posted on Luna’s Lessons entitled Submissive on Demand. Come check it out!

Master and I went to a play party yesterday. The exciting thing for me is that Master wanted to bring toys. We have never played in front of people and he has said he had to be very comfortable before he would do that. I was super happy when he pulled out the toys to pack in the bag. We were going to play! Now he did say that his mood might change and we could very well just be watching. I held out all hope that we would be having fun.

When we got there it became apparent that Master was in a good mood and that we would most likely at least be frisky. Not long into the visit I asked to disrobe because I was getting warm. He allowed it. :) We had some wonderful conversation with others that were there and I felt so comfortable with the other submissives in the room all in various modes of nudity.

Master pulled out his clothespins. He methodically put them on my breasts in color coordinated order. He said so that I could decorate the room. Show me off. I wore them for quite awhile before he took them off and admired the impressions. I loved it too. Everyone was watching me and him together. We were like the lead dancers.

Master’s eyes lit up when the hostess brought out her toybag to show some of the more unique toys she had. Master tested out a cupping kit and swiftly added it to his ‘I gotta have one’ list. She brought out a curious toy that was actually a pervertable she picked up from a dollar store. It looked like a wok brush but the ends were much much longer. This is a wok brush:

Turns out what she had was a form of rug beater. I had always visioned rug beaters to be hard loops of wood or wire. You know the type. It was lovely to listen to striking someone and the sensation was beautiful and hard to describe. It’s certainly a thud more than sting unless the tips are employed.

She had some other very unique toys that I couldn’t even name, and some that I’d like to have one day. Master really enjoyed the disposable Wartenburg’s wheel she let us play with!

After show and tell Master pulled out his rope and started preparing me for a breast harness. He loves breast play and I know he loves rope as well. It’s a great mix and I love it too. Since Master is still learning he brought with him the rope bondage how to book I got him for a gift. I helped him hold it while he bound me up. A helper in my own demise really.

After my breasts were nicely in the harness he had rope left over, so what does he do but thread it through my legs, with a knot and then back up to the front of the harness. At this point I was having a hard time concentrating and got in trouble twice for not focusing on Master and paying attention to the rest of the room! Out came the blindfold and gag. He was determined to have my focus be on him alone and I was reluctantly placed in my own world only he existed.

Not only the wheel was used on my tender breasts, but my favorite toy, the octocrop ( a crop with an end like a rubber mini flogger) . This thing does nothing but cause me to jump and squirm and it stings so deliciously! I don’t know how long that lasted; the dance between the Wartenburg’s wheel and the whippy crop. It was great. I was buzzing and floating and feeling good when he finally freed my from my dark, gagged world.

The marks he left were lovely. I have a freckling of red bite marks from the crop that will last for days yet and he smiles when he sees them. Our first public play was lots of fun and I’m sure that will lead to more now that he has his footing. A wonderful time!

–luna

Dear Master,

I know you know this is late. I know you know that my mood last night was not going to be conducive to writing. I’m glad that you are allowing me the chance to write this one late. I love you for being stern and yet flexible.

Yesterday’s play party was wonderful. I was so happy that you were open to playing around others. I had always gotten the impression that you didn’t want to. To have you do it was fantastic and I felt so wonderful and loved. You also made it a point to remind me that I was the center of attention; something I thrive on in situations like that. You are so great at playing to my strengths.

You told me that I was your good girl and that makes me feel so great. I work so hard at showing you that I can be the gem on your arm and an obedient girl at your feet. Thank you for giving me the chance to be that for you. The marks I have from yesterday are wonderful reminders of our first open play. I hope I can honor you with more fun times at parties and in private.

Our life sure is looking up isn’t it? We’ve got money coming in any day now, we have positive plans for the future and friends to spend time with that we love to be around. It’s like our dreams for happiness are ready to surround us. I hope we can keep this fantastic ride going; because I want to continue to soar!

You make my life more than I ever thought it could be. I’ve never been happier or more fulfilled. Thank you so much Master for the compassion and joy, the spontaneous gaiety and the pleasure you bring me and radiate out of you every single time we gaze into each other’s eyes.

–me

Basic Hog Tie

Twisted Monk has loaded some how-to videos on YouTube.com that I think are fantastic! Here’s one on a basic hog tie. Master has hinted that he wants to give that a try sometime and I’d love to know what it’s like too!

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