I hate butt plug training. It’s such a turn off. He reminds me and it just gets me down. Like this evening I was really looking forward to sex since I felt better than this weekend and then he reminds me I have to put this damn rubber thing in my ass. I’m grumpy now, he doesn’t like it, but does that change my mood? Nope. I’m still anti-butt plug.
This isn’t to say that I don’t like anal play though, I just hate this butt plug I wear. All of mine are uncomfortable and some are painful. I’d rather just not do it than suffer as I have to for his enjoyment. Yes I’m bitching. I’m allowed to in my journal. It’s my outside attitude that I have to watch.
It’s one of those moments that I feel like only submitting when I want to, not when I need to. I really need to work on that. I don’t want to be an occasional submissive, but an all the time one. It’s not easy to allow yourself to not get fussy and grumpy though. I don’t understand all of my feelings. I want to submit to Master. I feel the best when I submit, I feel wonderful when I’m a good girl. Why do I feel the need to rebel at any possible weakness?