I’m cramping like you couldn’t believe today. I almost vomited during work today.. not once, but twice. I feel so icky. I have had a nasty headache all day and as Master puts it, “You look terrible.” Yeah, I look and feel terrible. Great.
So how do I plan on serving Master this weekend when I feel like this? How can I serve when all I want to do is take care of myself. Now really I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if I did take care of myself this weekend, but that’s not what I had planned. I wanted to be his ray of sunshine after a long week of work. I wanted to serve him with a wonderful bath where I bathe him and a sensual blow job (which may still happen if I feel a bit better).
I’m not really up to snuff am I? I’ve gotten lazy on the things that used to make me feel important. Diet, exercise, clean house, even my website work. All of these things have been pushed aside. For what? Reading. All I’ve done for weeks is read. I love the Harry Potter books but is it worth leaving aside the things that make me feel good about being who I am? I feel I’m neglecting Master too.
We have a munch to attend tomorrow night and I want to be his good girl. I want to be spot on with all my rules and shine for him. I need to show him how much he means to me. It’s also an occasion to get to talk to others in the lifestyle. I’m such an extrovert. I like community and friendship.
Friendship is something I’m lacking lately. I don’t have any friends left here from school. I don’t have any friends nearby that are lifestyle related. Well, there is a newer arrival to munches that I seem to get along with right now and I can say that it would be great to be friends with her. I have to see if our schedules meet up sometime so we can meet again and hang out. If that’s even what you do as adults, or submissives for that matter.
From The Friday Five
1. What is your all time favorite book? Blindness by Jose Saramago
2. What is your all time favorite movie? Interview with the Vampire
3. What are you reading right now? Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
4. What is your favorite show on tv? Mythbusters
5. What is the last movie you saw in the theater? Pirates of the Caribbean 2
This is why I have friends like all of you. After my last post, which I was really short in and grumpy and all out not myself, kaya posed a question that got me thinking. Quite common when she says something though. I rarely leave her blog without thoughts of my own.
A bit of background if you didn’t read my last post. I was rather shupoofed about having to do butt plug training again that day when I hate it. I wanted to rebel and argue and fight it, I got grumpy and my attitude stank. I admitted that it felt like a moment where I had to submit and not when I wanted to. I was annoyed with myself that I was acting this way too.
Well, kaya’s voice pops into the comment box and says, “But you still submit, even when you don’t want to, right? That’s the meat of it right there. Submitting to the fun stuff is the easy part.” She’s exactly right. And yes I do submit even when I don’t want to. A year ago I would have had a tantrum, stood my ground and probably gotten into a heap of trouble.
I used to have a huge aversion to blow jobs. Now I’m okay with them, but still get hung up on the taste. I’m improving leaps and bounds though and Master is constantly looking happier and happier. I’ve earned his collar again and been able to say that I’ve not gotten into trouble since then. I’m not a perfect angel, but I’m his angel and that’s all that matters to me.
I’m sure that I will get over the grumpiness I feel when it comes to the butt plug training just as I did with blow jobs. It’s just a matter of time. I’m sure that Master had that thought when, later that night I apologized for my horrible behavior and he said, “It’s okay. You did it anyway didn’t you? ”
“It’s okay. Ya know, it’s what one says when they are forgiving someone.”
He has patience flowing out of all of his pores, he really does.
I hate butt plug training. It’s such a turn off. He reminds me and it just gets me down. Like this evening I was really looking forward to sex since I felt better than this weekend and then he reminds me I have to put this damn rubber thing in my ass. I’m grumpy now, he doesn’t like it, but does that change my mood? Nope. I’m still anti-butt plug.
This isn’t to say that I don’t like anal play though, I just hate this butt plug I wear. All of mine are uncomfortable and some are painful. I’d rather just not do it than suffer as I have to for his enjoyment. Yes I’m bitching. I’m allowed to in my journal. It’s my outside attitude that I have to watch.
It’s one of those moments that I feel like only submitting when I want to, not when I need to. I really need to work on that. I don’t want to be an occasional submissive, but an all the time one. It’s not easy to allow yourself to not get fussy and grumpy though. I don’t understand all of my feelings. I want to submit to Master. I feel the best when I submit, I feel wonderful when I’m a good girl. Why do I feel the need to rebel at any possible weakness?
Sunday night… after anal sex and Master said he was worn out. I had an itch. It was an itch for some bondage sex. Oh god I wanted it. I wrote about my desire in my Letter to him, which he promptly read and turned to me with a semi-hard cock and a grin.
“So you want some bondage sex, huh?”
“Oh yes I do Master, please?”
He grinned and I felt wet already. Moving to the bedroom I got on all fours. He praised me or the position choice and began rummaging in the toy box for the rope he wanted. Cuffs went on my wrists and thighs. That darn gag went into my mouth.
The way he tied me is difficult to explain but those of you who love a bit of bondage are sure to figure it out and have most likely been in a similar position yourself. My wrists were threaded through the headboard and clipped behind it with a short spreader so that I couldn’t reach the clips to undo myself. He threaded rope through my thigh cuffs and the headboard. I was ass up with tension on my thighs to keep them up and open and my wrists were pulled tight so that I couldn’t move at all. It was delicious.
I was so wet by the time he slid his hard cock into me that I shivered. It felt so good and the sensations were magnified by my bound position. He pounded me so hard that I strained against the ropes holding me in place, bucking and squirming as much as I could.
That just drove him wild and he pulled out and leaned over to our sex toys. Grabbing a nice dildo ( I think it used to vibrate but it’s the first one I ever owned so it’s like…. 10 years old. ) and shoved it to the hilt in my pussy. He teased me and fucked me with it while I could hear him stroking himself behind me. I just love to listen and watch him masturbate. It really gets me all juicy inside and it drove me wild to know that he was getting off on playing with me.
The dildo was replaced then with our pair of vibrating eggs turned up to medium and I was trembling all over, my clit was so hard and I wanted to have an orgasm for Master but how to say so with a gag in my mouth? I moaned and moaned a lot trying to moan the words to him. He likes that, trying to talk while gagged. He often asks me to repeat things while gagged just so he can hear it.
This was one of those moments. He asked me if I was close and I moaned expressively through the ball in my mouth and he said I wasn’t allowed to until he said so. I bucked harder under the restraints and begged over and over again to be allowed. He did and it was one of the most earth shattering orgasms I’ve had in a long while.
After I came down a bit he shoved his dick back into me with the vibrating balls still in there. OMG it was heavenly to feel his stroking vibrating dick going at it, harder and harder till he came himself.
Hot sweaty and achy I relaxed into aftersex dreamy state for hours. Thank you Master for hearing my request!
From The Friday Five
1. How are you stereotypically female? Caring and nurturing, emotional and soft. OH and shopping, I love shopping
2. How are you stereotypically male? I’m good at math and some science. I enjoy computer coding and women’s tits.
3. What parts of you do you consider unclassifiable as either gender? My manners, success at life and thrive to explore
4. Do you think you are primarily male, female, or neither in characteristics? I’m primarily female, without a doubt. I’ve so many female characteristics down pat that one would think I never saw a man
5. If you could be born as any gender, knowing the gender prejudices as they are now, which would you choose to be?
Hmmm, now this is a question. Do I want to be reborn as a female because that is what I’m familiar with or do I want to be reborn as a male because I’ve never experienced it? I think I’d still go for a female.
Well, if you hadn’t noticed I’ve not posted here much this week. My domain may have been down for you temporarily. I had to change my DNS server. Sensual Service was down longer and may still be down for some of you. It will come back up (hopefully before Sunday’s posting of journal prompts) I promise. While the sites were unavailable I couldn’t post to my blog! What’s a girl to do?
Be annoying to Master that’s what.
Now that I can blog I feel the need to catch up on missed posts, reading of friends’ blogs; which I couldn’t do because I didn’t have the list of links to click and view, and of course think about what I needed to think about. I’ve had a lot of ideas flooding my brain. Some have to do with thoughts that I have read in others’ blogs.
libby talked about hogties and got me wondering if my body size would allow a decent modified version of a hogtie. I know Master has read about it and even watched this really cool video of a hogtie by Twisted Monk on YouTube!
There are some awesome tutorials that Monk has uploaded. I know that Master now wants some hemp rope to try on. He mentioned either 6mm or 8mm. I will have to see if I can save up for some.
It’s always the case that we want toys we can’t afford or don’t have room for. We went to Aldi’s tonight and they have a huge Deck storage box on wheels. It looked so lovely but first we didn’t have the expendable income and second we’d have no room to put it! It still makes me think that when we do have a play room it will be fully stocked. *grins*
angel has done a full week of gratitude posts and I’ve read Gratitude Tuesdays from numerous friends (danae, padme & Mija to name a few). I truly am grateful for so much in life and reading their thoughts has helped me appreciate what I have when sometimes it doesn’t feel like nearly enough. Thank you so much to all of you who have helped me see what there is to be grateful for.
And who can forget kaya. She wrote a really good post about size acceptance; of yourself and others. This strikes me hard. She says she’s overweight, although I guess we all have different perceptions of what is overweight. I am morbidly obese according to doctors and many have tried to get me under the knife and alter me forever. I will never do that. While I’m not 100% happy with my size, I am happier now that I’ve lost enough weight that my back doesn’t hurt, my blood pressure is now just in the borderline hypertension phase and I’m off medication, my knees aren’t as stressed and my shoulder has basically remained pain free for 2 years. These are the things that make me happy. I’m getting healthier and that was the point for me. While I’d love to lose another 100 lbs someday I know that it will take a lot of work. I’m very grateful for the 40 I have lost and kept off for over a year now. Go me!
I’ve had a lot to think about because of all my blog friends and for that I’m very grateful. Keep it up ladies and gents! I like mental exercise!
Master has some plans for some bondage this weekend. I’m looking forward to maybe some new ropework that he might have picked up from the Monk. Which reminds me, I have a scene to share with you all this weekend! It happened on Sunday evening and if you read my Letter to Master for last weekend you can probably guess what I asked for and what I got. *grins* It was delicious. Be prepared.
Neaya tagged me:
“List five things that have not been revealed on your blog”
Wow, this is not an easy one…. once they are revealed of course then I won’t have any secrets!
- The company I work for. It’s a fortune 500 company.
- I’ll 30 this year.
- I was held at gunpoint when working at McDonald’s as a manager. He got away with 50 bux.
- I left my husband because he didn’t want to be kinky.
- I cry easily. TV movies, the news, funeral processions, anything tragic or very happy.
PS: A thought provoking post to come later.
kaya mentioned something in her post about her nailing fantasy that struck me as something I can talk about. A lot of what she does and says is way beyond my comprehension or realm of understanding. I’m just not that deep yet. But this really spoke to me. She said that as she was preparing for her nailing to a board that she kept coming up with surface fears. Surface fears aren’t really fears per se; they are more like shallow worries that you express when you are under emotional strain. In her case it was the pending nails through her breasts into a board.
In a less painful way I can relate. It’s all anal for me. I have so many surface fears when it comes to my ass that a lot of times it will make what would have been a pleasant experience downright horrible. I’d worry about the mess, if I was clean, what would happen when he pulled out, the pain (which was always so minimal), the lube drying up, not enough lube, too much lube, burning sensation and the list could go on. All of these things would clutter my mind and I’d not let myself just enjoy the moment.
In kaya’s scene her Master was able to let her express her surface fears and the discard them as idle worry. He was still preparing her mentally for what was about to happen. I’m sure my Master does that too but I don’t notice it. He can tell when it’s a valid fear and something that can pass almost unnoticed.
I respond differently if it’s a real fear more than a surface fear. I don’t doubt everyone does. I real fear would have me sweating buckets, shaking, fight or flight or breaking down to cry, scream or moan uncontrollably. This would certainly be alarming. But in the other hand a surface fear is more like a worried look, a bit of the lip, a constant what if mantra and nothing that can’t be overcome with relaxation.
Yesterday’s anal sex was fantastic. I was able to set aside my surface fears and just enjoy the feeling of being taken in that way. It really is pleasurable and I need to stop being repelled by it because I think it’s awesome. Hopefully my analysis of my own surface fears will help me.