I’m cramping like you couldn’t believe today. I almost vomited during work today.. not once, but twice. I feel so icky. I have had a nasty headache all day and as Master puts it, “You look terrible.” Yeah, I look and feel terrible. Great.
So how do I plan on serving Master this weekend when I feel like this? How can I serve when all I want to do is take care of myself. Now really I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if I did take care of myself this weekend, but that’s not what I had planned. I wanted to be his ray of sunshine after a long week of work. I wanted to serve him with a wonderful bath where I bathe him and a sensual blow job (which may still happen if I feel a bit better).
I’m not really up to snuff am I? I’ve gotten lazy on the things that used to make me feel important. Diet, exercise, clean house, even my website work. All of these things have been pushed aside. For what? Reading. All I’ve done for weeks is read. I love the Harry Potter books but is it worth leaving aside the things that make me feel good about being who I am? I feel I’m neglecting Master too.
We have a munch to attend tomorrow night and I want to be his good girl. I want to be spot on with all my rules and shine for him. I need to show him how much he means to me. It’s also an occasion to get to talk to others in the lifestyle. I’m such an extrovert. I like community and friendship.
Friendship is something I’m lacking lately. I don’t have any friends left here from school. I don’t have any friends nearby that are lifestyle related. Well, there is a newer arrival to munches that I seem to get along with right now and I can say that it would be great to be friends with her. I have to see if our schedules meet up sometime so we can meet again and hang out. If that’s even what you do as adults, or submissives for that matter.
From The Friday Five
1. What is your all time favorite book? Blindness by Jose Saramago
2. What is your all time favorite movie? Interview with the Vampire
3. What are you reading right now? Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
4. What is your favorite show on tv? Mythbusters
5. What is the last movie you saw in the theater? Pirates of the Caribbean 2
This is why I have friends like all of you. After my last post, which I was really short in and grumpy and all out not myself, kaya posed a question that got me thinking. Quite common when she says something though. I rarely leave her blog without thoughts of my own.
A bit of background if you didn’t read my last post. I was rather shupoofed about having to do butt plug training again that day when I hate it. I wanted to rebel and argue and fight it, I got grumpy and my attitude stank. I admitted that it felt like a moment where I had to submit and not when I wanted to. I was annoyed with myself that I was acting this way too.
Well, kaya’s voice pops into the comment box and says, “But you still submit, even when you don’t want to, right? That’s the meat of it right there. Submitting to the fun stuff is the easy part.” She’s exactly right. And yes I do submit even when I don’t want to. A year ago I would have had a tantrum, stood my ground and probably gotten into a heap of trouble.
I used to have a huge aversion to blow jobs. Now I’m okay with them, but still get hung up on the taste. I’m improving leaps and bounds though and Master is constantly looking happier and happier. I’ve earned his collar again and been able to say that I’ve not gotten into trouble since then. I’m not a perfect angel, but I’m his angel and that’s all that matters to me.
I’m sure that I will get over the grumpiness I feel when it comes to the butt plug training just as I did with blow jobs. It’s just a matter of time. I’m sure that Master had that thought when, later that night I apologized for my horrible behavior and he said, “It’s okay. You did it anyway didn’t you? ”
“It’s okay. Ya know, it’s what one says when they are forgiving someone.”
He has patience flowing out of all of his pores, he really does.
I hate butt plug training. It’s such a turn off. He reminds me and it just gets me down. Like this evening I was really looking forward to sex since I felt better than this weekend and then he reminds me I have to put this damn rubber thing in my ass. I’m grumpy now, he doesn’t like it, but does that change my mood? Nope. I’m still anti-butt plug.
This isn’t to say that I don’t like anal play though, I just hate this butt plug I wear. All of mine are uncomfortable and some are painful. I’d rather just not do it than suffer as I have to for his enjoyment. Yes I’m bitching. I’m allowed to in my journal. It’s my outside attitude that I have to watch.
It’s one of those moments that I feel like only submitting when I want to, not when I need to. I really need to work on that. I don’t want to be an occasional submissive, but an all the time one. It’s not easy to allow yourself to not get fussy and grumpy though. I don’t understand all of my feelings. I want to submit to Master. I feel the best when I submit, I feel wonderful when I’m a good girl. Why do I feel the need to rebel at any possible weakness?
Sunday night… after anal sex and Master said he was worn out. I had an itch. It was an itch for some bondage sex. Oh god I wanted it. I wrote about my desire in my Letter to him, which he promptly read and turned to me with a semi-hard cock and a grin.
“So you want some bondage sex, huh?”
“Oh yes I do Master, please?”
He grinned and I felt wet already. Moving to the bedroom I got on all fours. He praised me or the position choice and began rummaging in the toy box for the rope he wanted. Cuffs went on my wrists and thighs. That darn gag went into my mouth.
The way he tied me is difficult to explain but those of you who love a bit of bondage are sure to figure it out and have most likely been in a similar position yourself. My wrists were threaded through the headboard and clipped behind it with a short spreader so that I couldn’t reach the clips to undo myself. He threaded rope through my thigh cuffs and the headboard. I was ass up with tension on my thighs to keep them up and open and my wrists were pulled tight so that I couldn’t move at all. It was delicious.
I was so wet by the time he slid his hard cock into me that I shivered. It felt so good and the sensations were magnified by my bound position. He pounded me so hard that I strained against the ropes holding me in place, bucking and squirming as much as I could.
That just drove him wild and he pulled out and leaned over to our sex toys. Grabbing a nice dildo ( I think it used to vibrate but it’s the first one I ever owned so it’s like…. 10 years old. ) and shoved it to the hilt in my pussy. He teased me and fucked me with it while I could hear him stroking himself behind me. I just love to listen and watch him masturbate. It really gets me all juicy inside and it drove me wild to know that he was getting off on playing with me.
The dildo was replaced then with our pair of vibrating eggs turned up to medium and I was trembling all over, my clit was so hard and I wanted to have an orgasm for Master but how to say so with a gag in my mouth? I moaned and moaned a lot trying to moan the words to him. He likes that, trying to talk while gagged. He often asks me to repeat things while gagged just so he can hear it.
This was one of those moments. He asked me if I was close and I moaned expressively through the ball in my mouth and he said I wasn’t allowed to until he said so. I bucked harder under the restraints and begged over and over again to be allowed. He did and it was one of the most earth shattering orgasms I’ve had in a long while.
After I came down a bit he shoved his dick back into me with the vibrating balls still in there. OMG it was heavenly to feel his stroking vibrating dick going at it, harder and harder till he came himself.
Hot sweaty and achy I relaxed into aftersex dreamy state for hours. Thank you Master for hearing my request!
From The Friday Five
1. How are you stereotypically female? Caring and nurturing, emotional and soft. OH and shopping, I love shopping
2. How are you stereotypically male? I’m good at math and some science. I enjoy computer coding and women’s tits.
3. What parts of you do you consider unclassifiable as either gender? My manners, success at life and thrive to explore
4. Do you think you are primarily male, female, or neither in characteristics? I’m primarily female, without a doubt. I’ve so many female characteristics down pat that one would think I never saw a man
5. If you could be born as any gender, knowing the gender prejudices as they are now, which would you choose to be?
Hmmm, now this is a question. Do I want to be reborn as a female because that is what I’m familiar with or do I want to be reborn as a male because I’ve never experienced it? I think I’d still go for a female.
Well, if you hadn’t noticed I’ve not posted here much this week. My domain may have been down for you temporarily. I had to change my DNS server. Sensual Service was down longer and may still be down for some of you. It will come back up (hopefully before Sunday’s posting of journal prompts) I promise. While the sites were unavailable I couldn’t post to my blog! What’s a girl to do?
Be annoying to Master that’s what.
Now that I can blog I feel the need to catch up on missed posts, reading of friends’ blogs; which I couldn’t do because I didn’t have the list of links to click and view, and of course think about what I needed to think about. I’ve had a lot of ideas flooding my brain. Some have to do with thoughts that I have read in others’ blogs.
libby talked about hogties and got me wondering if my body size would allow a decent modified version of a hogtie. I know Master has read about it and even watched this really cool video of a hogtie by Twisted Monk on YouTube!
There are some awesome tutorials that Monk has uploaded. I know that Master now wants some hemp rope to try on. He mentioned either 6mm or 8mm. I will have to see if I can save up for some.
It’s always the case that we want toys we can’t afford or don’t have room for. We went to Aldi’s tonight and they have a huge Deck storage box on wheels. It looked so lovely but first we didn’t have the expendable income and second we’d have no room to put it! It still makes me think that when we do have a play room it will be fully stocked. *grins*
angel has done a full week of gratitude posts and I’ve read Gratitude Tuesdays from numerous friends (danae, padme & Mija to name a few). I truly am grateful for so much in life and reading their thoughts has helped me appreciate what I have when sometimes it doesn’t feel like nearly enough. Thank you so much to all of you who have helped me see what there is to be grateful for.
And who can forget kaya. She wrote a really good post about size acceptance; of yourself and others. This strikes me hard. She says she’s overweight, although I guess we all have different perceptions of what is overweight. I am morbidly obese according to doctors and many have tried to get me under the knife and alter me forever. I will never do that. While I’m not 100% happy with my size, I am happier now that I’ve lost enough weight that my back doesn’t hurt, my blood pressure is now just in the borderline hypertension phase and I’m off medication, my knees aren’t as stressed and my shoulder has basically remained pain free for 2 years. These are the things that make me happy. I’m getting healthier and that was the point for me. While I’d love to lose another 100 lbs someday I know that it will take a lot of work. I’m very grateful for the 40 I have lost and kept off for over a year now. Go me!
I’ve had a lot to think about because of all my blog friends and for that I’m very grateful. Keep it up ladies and gents! I like mental exercise!
Master has some plans for some bondage this weekend. I’m looking forward to maybe some new ropework that he might have picked up from the Monk. Which reminds me, I have a scene to share with you all this weekend! It happened on Sunday evening and if you read my Letter to Master for last weekend you can probably guess what I asked for and what I got. *grins* It was delicious. Be prepared.
Neaya tagged me:
“List five things that have not been revealed on your blog”
Wow, this is not an easy one…. once they are revealed of course then I won’t have any secrets!
- The company I work for. It’s a fortune 500 company.
- I’ll 30 this year.
- I was held at gunpoint when working at McDonald’s as a manager. He got away with 50 bux.
- I left my husband because he didn’t want to be kinky.
- I cry easily. TV movies, the news, funeral processions, anything tragic or very happy.
PS: A thought provoking post to come later.
kaya mentioned something in her post about her nailing fantasy that struck me as something I can talk about. A lot of what she does and says is way beyond my comprehension or realm of understanding. I’m just not that deep yet. But this really spoke to me. She said that as she was preparing for her nailing to a board that she kept coming up with surface fears. Surface fears aren’t really fears per se; they are more like shallow worries that you express when you are under emotional strain. In her case it was the pending nails through her breasts into a board.
In a less painful way I can relate. It’s all anal for me. I have so many surface fears when it comes to my ass that a lot of times it will make what would have been a pleasant experience downright horrible. I’d worry about the mess, if I was clean, what would happen when he pulled out, the pain (which was always so minimal), the lube drying up, not enough lube, too much lube, burning sensation and the list could go on. All of these things would clutter my mind and I’d not let myself just enjoy the moment.
In kaya’s scene her Master was able to let her express her surface fears and the discard them as idle worry. He was still preparing her mentally for what was about to happen. I’m sure my Master does that too but I don’t notice it. He can tell when it’s a valid fear and something that can pass almost unnoticed.
I respond differently if it’s a real fear more than a surface fear. I don’t doubt everyone does. I real fear would have me sweating buckets, shaking, fight or flight or breaking down to cry, scream or moan uncontrollably. This would certainly be alarming. But in the other hand a surface fear is more like a worried look, a bit of the lip, a constant what if mantra and nothing that can’t be overcome with relaxation.
Yesterday’s anal sex was fantastic. I was able to set aside my surface fears and just enjoy the feeling of being taken in that way. It really is pleasurable and I need to stop being repelled by it because I think it’s awesome. Hopefully my analysis of my own surface fears will help me.
Anal sex tonight. Yes we will get there. I promised you on Saturday and my body was not agreeable. But today I’m ready and my body is agreeing. I like anal sex you know. No matter how much I sulk and groan about butt plug training I do enjoy when you use me anally. It feels so good. I look forward to when we have a butt plug that fits right. I’ll look forward to when I offer my ass to you willingly.
(later on) Oh my the anal sex was fantastic. I was totally able to relax and enjoy the feeling of your fingers and dick without the ick factor. It was so hot! I’m so proud that I can take that sort of penetration, as large as it is! *ego growing there* Honestly though you have a very satisfying member.
Our sex has been so fantastic lately. I’d like to try more bondage… bondage with sex maybe? I’m craving some right now actually. I’m sure I’ll get you interested with this little wink I have I’ll just put on my sexy red halter nighty that you like so much and tease you into tying me up. If not tonight than tomorrow night. You’ve never turned down sex bondage yet! I’m being so slutty tonight. I’m sure you will find other things for me to be doing with my naughty self before the end of the evening.
You make me feel so sexy you know. I forget how large I feel and how fat I’m looking when you look at me with those eyes and the way you touch me just turns me on fire and it’s so natural to feel beautiful in your gaze. I hope it never changes. You are the reason I feel so feminine and sexy, so beautiful and desirable. I love you Master.
Well, now this last week I was able to go all week without going to bed early until Friday. I want to try that again. I’m certain that I can push my sleep cycle to where I want it with a bit of work. I don’t doubt that I will need a nap here and there, but if I keep it to under 20 mins I should be good to go.
I’ve made renewed plans with my diet. I posted them in my diet blog if you care to read them. I’m hoping I can get a few diet buddies to participate too. I’m going to start small… drinking my water, writing in my food diary, a little bit of exercise. We’ll see how it goes, right?
In an effort to be productive I have worked on The Iron Gate this morning. Just some basic maintenance stuff like adding descriptions to essays and links to hopefully make them more useful to users. I’ve got plans to work on the admin section a bit so that updating the site is a bit easier on me. I have dreams for this site not yet realized so it will still continue to grow.
I went to bed early last night. I was so mentally exhausted from work this week that I just crashed not long after dinner. Master was gracious enough to excuse me from my chores for the night; which were blogging, butt plug training and shaving. I have to catch up on them today and after this, I have one left. That’s right… the butt plug training. I can’t wait till we can afford to splurge on the plug I want, one that I’m sure will stay in place so I can continue to go about my day without having to worry about it becoming a butt bullet.
This is the second week in a row that Master hasn’t had an essay for me to write. He said it’s hard for him to come up with things for me to write about every week and I understand that. It’s hard for me to come up with things to write about Maybe next week we will have something.
As for this weekend, Master wants to tie me up and use me. Oh boy this is great getting to play on a more regular basis. It’s really been a help in establishing my role when he asserts himself more often. I also know he has a spanking planned. I’m wearing a pair of his favorite panties just to entice him to play with my bum. Of course that means anal sex too, so I have to prepare myself for it soon. Ick factor be gone! *chuckles*
I’ve sent Master an essay I read on the Steel Door about Accessing Subspace. I know it’s something that Master has as a goal to play and maybe this will have some tips in it for him as well as me. It’s been well over 3 years since I got there and I know it’s an art and a spiritual experience and something that I want to get back to someday.
I have another thought process on Luna’s Lessons planned for this weekend. Hopefully I can pull it all together before Sunday night. Stay tuned on that one.
PS: Has anyone gotten the notice on the bottom of the comment box yet about being able to use a special avatar? I’d like to know if it’s as easy for you to use as it is me. Just 10 comments and you are good to go, so come post away and one time it will be yours!
1. Who was your first crush?
My first crush was Chad Cox in 4th grade. I followed him all around the playground. I even tackled him once to kiss him. He asked to sit next to me in 5th grade I was in crush heaven!
2. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
Definitely an extrovert. I am not shy at all, very open and honest and can’t stand being alone for long.
3. What is your favorite non-sexual thing you like to do with the love of your life?
Cuddlehugging. It’s one of the best times of the day when he can just sit down and hold me tight. So comforting and reassuring and the stress just melts away.
4. Name one quirky habit your partner does that either annoys you or makes you grin.
Master can’t stand having mismatched silverware (cutlery). If I lay out a knife that doesn’t match his fork he will get up and search the silverware drawer for one that matches. It makes me smirk every time.
5. Do you believe in monogamous relationships?
Oh yes, very much so. I feel that monogamous is very powerful. But then again I know that swinging and polyamory can happen as well with the same feelings. I’m just more secure within a monogamous relationship.
PS: Post of substance tomorrow. Master has given me permission to go to bed early and do all my Friday chores when I get up. Thank you Master!
I masturbated last night. It was the first time in almost a year that I did so alone without Master being present. It was actually pretty good. There’s something about masturbating for relief that makes it so satisfying. Masturbating for pleasure is so different. For one, it lasts longer. When I want to take care of my sexual need I let it last, play with toys and drag out the feeling. But when I just need to get some relief; either for stress or relaxation, it’s quick and satisfying.
I sometimes brag about the fact I can go from cold to orgasm in under 30 seconds. Now this isn’t an always thing, but quite often it’s under a minute. Master thinks it’s pretty cool even though I always drag it out when he’s watching. I guess I’m playing to please him then so it has to last longer. Talking with friends it’s unique that I’m so fast. Even Master has remarked that he can’t imagine getting off in under 5 mins. Well he has me and I’m lots of quick fun.
On to my diet… or lack thereof. I’ve really been letting myself go. If I stood on the scale today I’d probably be back up to what I was a year ago. Nothing I’m proud of. All I come up with are excuses too. Nothing valid as to why I’m not still working hard to loose weight. Weight that makes me feel like I stick out, I feel fat and gross. Master says he wishes I’d stop worrying about it, that he loves me as I am. Well I’m having problems loving me. I mean I can’t love me as long as I look in the mirror and wish that wasn’t so large. It’s obvious walking around work when people go to pass you and they really press themselves against the cubicle walls because they think I need a wide berth or something. It’s embarrassing and I want to work harder at loosing weight.
A good month into my new full time routine and I’m still tired by the end of the day. I really do hope I can adjust and not be so tired by 8pm that my day is filled with work and then sleeping. I want to spend time with Master, maintain the house, do the things I enjoy. This tired crap is just that…. crap.
I think I should masturbate more. It was suggested to me and I might take ya up on it! I think it does increase my sexual appetite and it sure helps me take the edge off. Kinda like drinking or smoking does to some people. I’ve got my sex.
I was looking forward to the sensual blow job planned for today until I forgot about it. Now that you are expecting it I feel obligated to do it no matter what. I don’t expect to know is why I forgot, just that I did. Boy do I feel guilty. We’ve had so much fun this weekend that perhaps that eclipsed what was to happen today. Hopefully I can get back into the mood to perform as you deserve.
I did realize something just now. Whenever you get a blow job I get nothing afterwards. Not that I’m complaining, mind you. In the past (meaning past relationships), blow jobs were always foreplay to the main event. They were never just the main event. I still get hung up on that sometimes you know. Like I’m expecting more from it. I still have to get used to that. For you the blow job is enough. For me it’s not nearly as satisfying.
The play yesterday was fantastic. Even the comedy of the ‘subbie dance’ that you just happened to bring up when I was squirming my worst. That octocrop is definitely a love/hate toy. I’m glad it could bring welts to the surface but I’m also saddened that you had a goal of leaving marks and there are none to be found this morning. I still feel really good though.
I have an achy pussy that I thought was going to be promised to be sore from a major pommeling. It’s not really gotten the use that I had expected. I do hope we can do more to increase the chances of an aching pussy in the near future. I guess play usually involves sex afterward now and with yesterday’s play finishing without that I feel empty and still horny as all hell. I know I’ve not shown it all day; we’ve been busy with our own things. Just thought I would hint that I need you badly Master. What would you like to do about it?
Thank you so much for the crayons and coloring book. I never thought I’d feel so happy as I do with something so trivial. It makes me smile to know that you hung the picture I colored yesterday on the refrigerator. Thank goodness we don’t get visitors…
I’d have to say that if I identify with any one animal it would have to be a cat. When I’m very happy about something I’ve even remarked that I’d be purring. Other than that we don’t really go into pet play of any sort.
What pet names does your owner have for you and do you respond differently to different forms of address?
Master’s pet names for me in order of my favorites are:
- Slut – He uses this when we are being so nasty and hyper sexual. It drives me wild to know that I am his little slut and it will put me in a mindset on most occasions to do just about anything to satisfy his desires.
- Baby – When he calls me baby he’s in a very cuddly mood and I love it when he is affectionate. He blows kisses to me a lot and licks his lips provocatively when he’s in this mood. He knows that when he calls me baby I will smile, and it never fails.
- His girl – This one has to be the one that makes my knees week. It is so possessive and strong. He calls me his girl when he wants to remind me of his control over me. He also uses this term most often when he is around other Dominants.
- Jennifer – This name, my real name (take note), gets used when he is upset with me, I’m being naughty, or he needs to drive home a point. I actually cringe when he resorts to this instead of calling me hon, love, sweetie, baby or any other name.
Are you allowed to have and use pet names for you owner?
No, I’m not. It’s Master, John or the newly added Amo.
From The Friday Five
Wait ’til the Weekend
Monday was magical because… I felt so totally loved and adored.
Tuesday, what a tiring day, because… I had a trainee that didn’t understand any of the computer aspects of my job.
My Wednesday was wild & crazy because… The sex Tuesday night was so very hot!
Thursday made me think about… This weekend’s wonderfully kinky plans Master has.
Master got me crayons! I got a Fairies coloring book too! Oh I’m such a lucky girl. I sat down and colored last night. It was great, euphoric even. Master knows me too well to know that a simple thing as coloring has made his girl happy.
We also got an egg dying kit. We are going to color eggs tomorrow. OH I feel so happy to have a Master that will indulge the little girl in me and do the things I loved doing or didn’t do enough of as a child.
Which gets me thinking I’d probably survive quite well in a Daddy/little girl relationship. Only thing is I could never call a man, my lover and Dominant “Daddy”, “Papa” or any other derivative. I have bad childhood memories of my Father and that would NOT be good to bring them back.
I asked Master if I could call him something other than his real name in public, that while Master works in hushed whispers it doesn’t work in general. I asked if I could call him ‘Amo’. To the untrained ear, they wouldn’t know what I said. To someone who knows a little Spanish they would think I was calling him Love. But to Spanish speakers, they know this as another title…. Master. (Ama is Spanish for Mistress.) He approved and I will be able to call him Amo in vanilla public. Sounds good to me, now to make sure I remember.
Today Master has a lot of naughty, painful and slutty things planned for me. I can’t wait!
I just had to tell everyone about my colors.
PS: Happy Easter
I’m at work today as I write this. It’s Good Friday and that means no one is here. No one but me that is. I’ve seen about 5 people overall. It’s hauntingly quiet and kinda creepy. So what does Master suggest since the office is empty?
“Go to the bathroom, pull down your pants and masturbate for me.”
“You are doing to do it, right?”
“Yes I’m going to do it, I can’t come up with any excuses not to.” (My mind had tried to figure out some reason I couldn’t. Other times I could always say the bathroom was busy and I didn’t want to do that with others in there. Today I have no excuse.)
So I went to the bathroom for my afternoon break just now. Even when I knew no one was here today I still was hesitant to do this. Master would have been disappointed. that kept me going. Honestly I did have some desire to be naughty at work. I pulled my pants down, leaned back on the toilet as best I could and wet my fingers. I was in a hurry and frigged myself pretty carefully at first and then faster hoping to do this fast, enjoy it and then get back to the mundaneness of my job. I think I took about 2 minutes. The orgasm was something I had missed from my carefree days. You know that an orgasm that is self given feels different than one given to you by someone else. It may be because I know exactly the spot to get me where I want to go. It may be because I can feel it building and know how fast or slow to go, what movement will bring me soaring over the edge. Either way it was good, I was still blushed when I came out of the bathroom, washed my hands and made sure in the mirror it wasn’t evident what I had just done. Can you really see it? I couldn’t.
So is this the start of a fun filled weekend? Perhaps. Master has a desire to see what marks all of our toys can leave on various parts of my body and I’m more than willing to find out for myself. He wants to tie up my titties and watch them turn red then purple then blue. He wants to squeeze them and make me whimper and groan. I know he mentioned a gag and blindfold too. He’s got a whole buffet to peruse. I’m ready. Let the fun begin!
Master and I had some wonderful sex last night. I’d go into details, but it was sex people, come on. The BDSM stuff is to come this weekend when I don’t have to get up and go to work the next day. THAT I may share with you if Master allows it. I am very happy today though and feel great. Just a little sexual tension has been released and of course I’m asking for more Master rewarded me with an orgasm and I was just so darn lucky that I got another one later that night!
Okay so a little detail…. when Master pulled my hair last night I felt pain at first but then things dulled and I felt peaceful and wonderful. Like everything was perfect. Perhaps I was getting close to subspace because it felt nothing like the fully aware slut space I get into in similar situations. I’ve never reached subspace with Master and only 2 times overall. I know he weighs the success of play on that aspect sometimes and I wish he wouldn’t. I’m also concerned that once I get there with him, if he’s going to set that as the benchmark for future play.
Master promises bondage and that darn wood paddle this weekend. I think he’s thinking he will get me to bruise with it. Now I’ve no recollection of being pushed that far to get brusing so we shall see how that goes. I’m excited nonetheless. I love that he’s finally gotten a good balance between sexual/sensual and pain play. It’s a delicious combination that any masochist would adore. Play with Master has gotten so very powerful. I’m so connected with him.
I guess I could just say that the ‘no masturbation’ ban has been lifted and has been for some months now. I still don’t have the guts to do it though. The rule still stands that when I do it I have to tell him. I feel like I’d be sneaking behind his back to masturbate when I could just ask him for some fun and he’d usually oblige.
I used to think with my pussy really. I’d masturbate maybe 5 times a day, marathon it to the next time I need a fix or a stress relief or heck, when I was bored it was the first thing I did. Now I can go days without even needing one (wanting one is another matter). When Master and I were long distance I looked forward to sharing that intimate experience with him. Then he came to live with me and I loved being with him in every way sexually. Now I’m in a state that orgasms aren’t that important to me as they used to. If it’s had an effect on our sex life I couldn’t say. It’s not come up in conversation. He does ask on occasion when the last time I masturbated was. This is usually when it’s been several days and I’ve not shown interest in needing one. I don’t know if he’s checking to see if I’d forget to tell him or that I’m having any at all. I’d own up to it if I did of course. I’m very grateful the ban has been lifted though. There’s something about being able to masturbate and then not being allowed to that is so abrupt. A part of me given over to him. Now that he has given it back I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t want to abuse the privilege or he might take it back again. But then I don’t want him to think that it’s not going to get used, because believe me I want to masturbate!