March 2007

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Follow my Lead

Next month begins a few challenges for me. First I want to get back into keeping my food diary on I think it will help me keep on track with my diet. It will make me more accountable and aware of what I’m eating now that I’m working full time. Perhaps I’m not making the calorie requirement, and I know that when I do eat it’s all at the end of the day; which can’t be too healthy. Secondly, I want to push my bedtime back to 10pm and get up at 5am. This will most likely be a very difficult process. I’m tired of being tired all the time. Hopefully this will give me more time with Master in the evening and afford me the same amount of sleep that I’ve been needing. Lastly I want to get into the habit of cleaning a little every day. Right now I can’t say the last time I did some cleaning other than picking up here and there and an occasional load of dishes. I really need to change that.

I’m also hoping to get to know more of the readers of this blog. There is no real way to encourage commenting, but I would like to be able to get a glimpse into the life of those who follow mine. I’ve made comments to Master recently that my friends list on Yahoo is really short and those that are there have been there a very long time. I have no new friends and I’m aching for them. Even if it’s emailing from time to time or chatting on occasion. I’d love to get to know some of you.

I have an essay to write this week. It’s an uncomfortable one. About 2 months ago I expressed to Master a curiosity of mine in experiencing being urinated on. I’m not really sure why the curiosity came about but Master wants me to think about it and then write a little something about why I may be interested in it and how I envision it happening as well as how it may affect me. So, I’m asking you, dear readers for some of your opinions on it. Whether you’ve tried it, do it all the time, or never I’d like to know what you think about pee play of any sort. My curiosity has been spiked.

I’m almost done with Kushiel’s Dart trilogy and have a decision to make on the next book to read. I have the Harry Potter series I could read again in anticipation for the next and final book coming out this summer or I could read the treasure trove of classics my father has given me over the course of a few years. I’m sure it will be a last minute decision or a whim that decides what I read. I guess I’ll have to wait and see. I really do love that I’ve gotten into reading so much. I know that when the cable comes back on I will go back to that; hopefully doing cross stitch instead as I love that when I watch tv. Combat idleness with creativity.

I can’t even think of how this next conversation started but Master asked me if I had a coloring book. I do of course. Barbie. I love to color the barbies and add make-up to their faces, polish to the nails and enhance the dresses and stuff. I’ve not colored in a very long time. I just don’t have any crayons. I love the 64 pack so that I have every shade I could possibly imagine. Maybe I’ll have to get a new pack someday soon. I smiled at Master and told him I’d color a page for him and write “I love you Master” on it, asking him to hang it by his desk :P I’m silly but I know he’d do it. Coloring just has a peaceful healing feeling to it, it’s hard to explain unless you do it too. Who else colors?


The Friday Five

1. If you had to choose being blind or deaf, what would you choose and why?

If I had to choose I’d rather blind. While I’d be terrified of the loss of my sight I know that I’d be more terrified if I never heard my Master’s voice again, the sound of his timbre and the emotions within his words to me. I’d miss music immensely as it fills my entire day with joy in small measures. Now this isn’t to say that the images I’d miss on a daily basis and the ease of going about the world would be forever gone I if only the sound of my Master’s voice breaks the darkness I would be complete.

2. What is the best smell?

Fresh cut grass on a Spring day

3. Would you rather be hot or cold?

Hot. I can’t stand being cold… and here I live in Iowa. I get a decent dose of both all year round.

4. What’s the worst feeling in the world?

Loneliness is the worst feeling in the world. You could be amidst 1000 people and still feel like you are the only one in the room. It’s a horrible feeling.

5. Would you rather have something hurt or something be itchy?

I’d rather something hurt than be itchy because with hurt you can become accustomed to it. I know someone that still conducts her daily routine although she has suffered from migraines everyday for 20 years. Itchy would drive me insane and it would end up hurting anyway because I would scratch it raw!

Object Analyzed

My boss called me up this morning and asked if he could come by. I said sure, I didn’t have any fear of anything wrong, and who would say no to your boss? Well he did my annual review. I did exceptionally well for only being with the company for 7 months (annual reviews are done before April 10 for everyone, no matter when you were hired). I’m very proud to say that I got above standard on a lot of things and a 2.5% raise! :) He recommended 3.1% but payroll prorates it to how many months of employment if it’s under a year…. good to know that next year I could get the whole 3%. I’m a happy camper!


Anyone know or experience cramps that if you don’t focus on them they seem worse? It’s like a knock on the door from someone when they know you are home is so much more loud and insistent then from someone that hasn’t a clue if you’ll answer. Oh boy I’m dealing with some fierce cramps today. Also I went to bed at 7:30pm last night, slept till 4:30 when the alarm went off. I am thinking it’s related to my period coming this month. If it isn’t I haven’t a clue why I needed that much sleep.


I’ve had some positive thoughts on my previous post about the objectification I underwent on Friday night. I agree with the insights I’ve had. kiana brought up a question.

“Has he ever really used you like that when you have been completely, absolutely, truly not wanting it? At a time like Friday night when you were past “the mood” and, if you weren’t in a power exchange relationship, would have said no with a passion?”

The simple answer is no he hasn’t. He’s always had a care for my mental or physical state when he goes about using me. There is usually a warning on his part or an invitation on mine. Friday night was the first time that I felt absolutely used beyond my normal boundaries. The second question is a resounding yes. If he weren’t my Master and if there were no predefined roles between us then I would have shouted no, I would have struggled and definitely not let it happen. I’m sure part of me was fighting with those feelings Friday and Saturday. I’m still trying to make sure that I don’t feel the same way again and it takes a lot of reflection and reassurance that his love is still there even if at the time I am to be an object and not his girl.

Kitten also responded with a very good point. She brought up personal conditioners. They are like filters to your behavior and emotional state. Deep inside I probably had a filter for this sort of activity, like “I’ll only enjoy it if I’m in the appropriate mental/physical state.” Since neither of these filters were met on Friday it felt more against my normal limits than it could have been. I also agree with her comment;

“I know a lot of people might say “well, suck it up, you’re a slave..” but I can’t say that. If something is emotionally hurting me, I can’t just put it out of my mind and get on with it”

It was so solidly against what I wanted to be doing and where I wanted to be at the time that everything within me was screaming to stop and yet I yielded. I believe that in the yielding I proved that it was still within my limits and I will be able to overcome the emotional shock that I suffered.

I know he is there for me and cares for my emotional health sometimes more than I do. I’ve been amazed when he can see worry or stress in my face before I know something is bothering me. In relation to Friday, he may have been selfish in wanting me after I had teased him all night, but I know he also paid attention to my reactions and stopped when he knew it was hurting.

We’ve moved on and I feel better now about my place as his object on occasion. I can be his love and his girl always, but I can also be the cunt he desires and the ass he fucks. I am and always will be his. That doesn’t change no matter what my temporary role is.


PS: If you use LJ to read my blog, I have decided to change the commenting option. You must now comment on the original blog on The Iron Gate. I got 5 more comments over the weekend that I had never received notice about and I don’t like not knowing about comments so that I can comment on them. I’m sorry for those of you who don’t want to click the link to come over and comment, I will miss your thoughts. Please, consider taking that extra step when you have something to say. I do cherish all your words. Thank you in advance for those of you who do.

The Reason

I’m amazed at how I can go from not enough time in the day to get work done to having so much time on my hands that I’m inventing things to do so that I don’t get bored. I feel that this is just an adjustment period and I do feel that the time will get busier but right now I could beat my head against the wall with how inactive I have been. It’s a good thing that the printers I manage are running themselves but for goodness sake I’d love for one to jam or something just to have a reason to get up off this chair!

Friday night was…. confusing for me. After I spent the evening teasing Master I knew he would be upset with me for crashing as soon as I got home. Granted it was way later than I have been up on the past and I had a feeling I’d wear out. I didn’t expect him to come into the bedroom and force himself on me. It is his right to take what he wants and I was okay with it, until he starts cramming his fingers roughly in my ass, and then proceeds to try and get his dick there. I was on full alert, in pain, crying and felt so objectified that I went beyond enjoying being used to hating it. I swore at him when he asked me what was wrong and abruptly stopped an left the room. I cried awhile and then fell fast asleep. He came back in; laid with me and gave me a choice: a blow job or ass fucking. I didn’t care that he had just cleaned his dick I was not putting it my mouth. I opted for the later if he would please make sure I was relaxed first. Object yet again I laid there and didn’t move. I didn’t care at that point what happened, I just wanted sleep.

Saturday was then very tense as I was still trying to comprehend what went on the night before. I admit I was also angry at him. He apologized for hurting me and I stayed grumpy until I went and took a nap; which he thought was crazy. I came out a bit better off and I think he was thankful of that.

I’m still trying to analyze my feelings about Friday and why it hit me like it did. I’ve always told him I love it when I’m just an object and he can use me as his slut whenever he wanted. So why did this event have to have such an emotional tearing of my heart and mental anguish I am still feeling today?


Learn about Me

meme stolen from pup

1. Sex is best in the morning, afternoon, or night? Morning. Now if only Master were a morning person.

2. What side of the bed do you sleep on? The side closest to the bathroom or the door leading to it. I have terrible night vision and fear stubbing my toe more than anything.

3. Pork, Beef, or Chicken? Chicken

4. Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke? I had the taxi I was in do that… I was on my way to the hospital where I was diagnosed with salmonella poisoning.

5. What leg do you put in pants first when putting them on? Right

6. Candles or Incense? Both!

7. Do you dance when no one is watching? Yes and often people are ;)

8. Did you play doctor when you were little? Yes and loved it.

9. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money? Um…. I don’t think so

10. Stove top cooking or microwave? Stovetop. The microwave is for warming water for hot chocolate and little else.

11. Would you rather your car or your house be dirty? Car.

12. Shower or bath? Shower, but all I have is a bath….

13. Do you pee in the shower? No

15. Mexican or Chinese food? Chinese.

16. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed? Agressive.

18. Do you own sex toys? Yep.

19. Corn Dogs or Hot Dogs? Corn dogs hands down.

20. Your favorite restaurant? Texas Roadhouse

21. What did you have for lunch today? Tacos

23. When did you last fall down? Luckily I don’t remember.

24. Have you ever wished someone were dead? Yes.

25. Love or Money? Love.

26. Credit Cards or cash? Cash.

27. Has there ever Been anyone in your family you wish wasn’t? Yes.

28. Oreos or Vanilla Wafers? Oreos, they taste better in milk.

29. How do you like your steak cooked? Medium rare

30. How do you like your eggs cooked? scrambled or omelette

31. Have you ever knocked someone off their feet in a fight? Yes

32. Would you rather go camping or to a 5 star hotel? Hotel

33. Would you rather have a root canal or minor surgery? Surgery. I hate mouth pain.

34. Would you shave your entire body (including your head) for money? Yes

35. Would you rather have lice or an STD? Lice.

36) Whats your favorite hard candy? Old Fashioned ribbon candy at Christmas!

37) Ever been to a strip club? No

38) Ever been to a bar? Yes.

39) Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club? No

40) Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere? No

41) Kissed someone of the same sex? No

43) Had sex in the car? Yes

44) Had sex at the beach? Yes

45) Had sex in a movie theater? Gave a hand job

46) Had sex in a bathroom? Yes.

48) Have you ever been in an “adult” store? Yes.

51) Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with? No

52) Have you been caught having sex? Yes

54) Have you ever kissed a stranger? Yes.

55) Does anyone have naughty pics of you? Yes.

Master is frustrated. All night we’ve been hanging out with friends, I’ve been teasing and frisky and now that we are home I’m crashed. I don’t think I can fulfill my tease. I don’t know what to do other than blog about it. I’m sure he’s also mad about the 8 doors I didn’t hold for him and god knows what else I didn’t do. I guess I just don’t deserve to be up late at night. Or with friends.


I’m going to bed before I cause any more trouble.


The Friday Five

From The Friday Five

1. If you could suddenly speak one language fluently (that you don’t currently speak) what would it be?

It would be ancient Egyptian so that I could translate all the heiroglyphics!

2. If you were to suggest a foreign film, that you really enjoyed, what one would you suggest?

Like Water For Chocolate

3. If you had to call another country home (other than the one you currently live in) what one would you choose?

England. It would be a strange place for me, but Master would be right at home.

4. If you went out to buy an import music CD, what one would you buy?

Um… no clue
5. If you were to chose an ethnic dinner, what would it be?

Is French an ethnic dinner? I love ( most) French food!


This week marked a landmark in my weight loss struggles. I reached my lowest weight in 5 years. I do hope that I didn’t gain it all back but will have to wait till next week to weigh again to know for sure. I was very happy to say the least and hopeful that I will continue to see progress.

I’ve been sleeping poorly lately. Tossing and turning and waking in the middle of the night. I can’t explain why other than dreams that bother me. My best friend has been over 1400 miles away for over 2 years and I’ve seen her one day in all that time. I miss her dearly, very dearly. The dreams I had were of us spending time together like we always did. Chatting, sharing dinner with each other and enjoying just being friends. I woke last night after several dreams seemed so very real. The waking shocked me to reality and I cried. I wanted to weep hard but didn’t want to wake Master. Which I failed in doing anyhow. He comforted me the best he could and I know that there are times he feels very homesick and there is nothing I can do for him either.

I cry as I write this because I’ve never felt so in need of a friend close by to be with. My best friend calls me almost daily and we’ve been known to talk for hours at a time about nothing. We cling to the friendship that has been solid for 17 years. She knows of my life now and respects my choices; even remarking that my behavior has changed and she likes it. What are best friends for if not to embrace us as we are?

I have no other friends nearby that understand me like she does. I wish for it, but have found none.

She has not seen me since I started losing weight. I’m down 45 lbs now and hope to be another 45 lbs in a year. I’m feeling so much happier with myself and I can see the future should be good if I can continue on this road I’m on.

I have dreams; dreams that one day we will see each other again and for that I have no words except that I know it will happen. I have dreamed it so.


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