Power in Service

How long will I take to learn all that I have to learn? When will Master be completely pleased with my efforts and progress? If it is to be years, do I have the endurance and faith that it will require to continue to grow closer to him, and nearer to the perfection of myself? I ask these questions as I ponder my writing assignment for this week. They are meant to make me think and honestly I have never thought harder than I do when he gives me tasks to enrich myself and help him learn what is in my heart that I may not already see.

I wonder these things as I look at my list of rules and know that while I have made a little bit of progress, it isn’t good enough for me. I want to excel at pleasing him, I endeavor to be his perfect mate. He has plans for more rules for me when I accomplish what I currently have. I know I will take them happily when he is ready to give them. I could see nothing better than pleasing Master in every way.

Wearing his collar has proved to be a wonderful and challenging thing. I know I am owned and loved and because I know this, I also know that I have to work hard to continue to grow in his love and commitment. He would not tolerate it if I went back to the way I was several months ago. I don’t think I could either. I’m happy, truly happy with my role in his life and I know that it can get so much better, purer, simply complete in his love.

I’m utterly devoted to him. I’d like to worship him as my one, my only love and serve him knowing that he cares for me with his life. I can see it in his eyes when he says he loves me; the lust that churns when I walk by him and he reaches for me, claims me; I can see it in his sleep, when I go to wake him for a goodbye kiss before work. I could not have a more enamored Master. He has me completely and I have him in return.

~~~

The weather is destined to turn for the ugly long before I have to leave for work tomorrow. I fear that I may be stuck in the town where my job is and not able to get home. I don’t know what I will do if that happens. I don’t like speculating on this, but a blizzard warning is issued for the very time that I will be at work. I live 30 mins from there and driving would be hazardous. Do I dare it or try to stay put? I guess I will know more tomorrow when the occasion arises.

My first full day of work since 2000. I have not worked full time since then. I hope I can adjust well. I know I will miss my naps and for the first few weeks I will be tired. I also know that the money burden will be eased and our lives together will be more comfortable. The changes that this renders are wonderful and mysterious. Only time will tell what it will bring. The future starts tomorrow.

–luna

Scared

I’m scared. The weather is planning to turn for the worse tomorrow after I am at work. It’s predicted to get worse throughout the evening tomorrow and then develop into ice and snow on Thursday. Thursday is my first full day of work. I’m very scared of the drive home that afternoon; if I can even get there in the morning. I don’t want to be stuck there, but worse I don’t want to be stuck on the road. I don’t have a cell phone and I’m thinking of taking the one supplied at work with me tomorrow in case I get stuck somewhere.

Pray the weather turns a different way and it’s not as bad as they are predicting. We are still recovering from the storm this weekend. About 40,000 are still without power and the power companies are halting work when the storm comes. Those that still have no power are going to have to wait longer. I’m so lucky to have power now. Let’s hope it stays that way.

–luna

New Image Gallery

If you haven’t perused my Iron Gate Blog yet, you haven’t seen it. I added an image gallery. Right now it just has avatars in it (mostly ones from pure_blue as she had a ton of moons that I have just loved!). I will add more as I get the chance. Feel free to use them, as I have been given free use of them as well. Enjoy.

–luna

A bit of the world

I’m so happy to be working full time soon. It’s scary to start planning what I want to do with what extra cash we will have. I want to pay up on the bills, move to a better apartment and fix my car. Master asked me what sort of things I wanted to spurge on and I honestly couldn’t think of any at first. It was new plates and kitchen appliances, it was dates and new perfume. He wants to make me happy and give me all the things I’d want; but what I want is time. Time to be with Master, time to enjoy life, trips and events, time to just be. Even though Master lists lots of things he’d like to have and I come up with intangible items. It shows how different and how interesting we are as a couple.

Even though we have to struggle the next several weeks I feel a weight lifted off of me; one that has been there for years. I will be able to become one of the people that doesn’t have to live paycheck to paycheck. One that can have a savings account, decent food and clothing. One that can enjoy whatever it is I want almost at the time I want it. From going out to eat, to seeing a movie to getting that pair of shoes I’m drooling over.

Not that he’ll let me waste money but I’m sure I’ll be able to indulge here and there.

Master mentioned tonight that he can’t see why this blog has a readership. He knows it’s unique, as all blogs are but I guess he can’t see why others would be so interested in what I have to say about my life and our relationship. I know it’s out of a sense of comradeship and friendship that people read my journal. I know it’s not because of the sexy scenes; for I don’t share that much of those things. I know it’s not because of all the pictures, for there aren’t much of those either. I enjoy knowing that people read the blog though. It makes me feel welcome and accepted. No matter who I am or what I go through, my journal will be there and so will all the others who read it.

–luna

Cliques and a Rant

Cliques are groups of people who want only to associate with themselves. They are in high schools, upper class neighborhoods and can grow anywhere else that people gather. They care only for themselves, gossip about everything, create assumptions about others not in the group and develop a self-pity party. They think they are cool and all powerful.

I joined a submissives weight loss group such as this. The owner constantly complained about her debilitating illness and everyone else tossed their condolences for her struggle. While it does touch me that this woman is struggling with life, I didn’t think it was appropriate for a weight loss group on a weekly basis. I never contributed to her pity party. Once a week practically, was spent wishing this woman well and that she does so much already, that she’s amazing, blah blah. She asks for help on the website, but when I offered; I got turned down. I could have built her a site that was less work (easier to manage) but she saw it as an attack on her ‘skills’.

I had practically withdrew from this site because that’s all that ever seemed to be talked about anymore. No one talked about weight loss and eating, exercise or diet struggle. It was a webmaster pity party and she didn’t mind. Neither did all the members. You know, we all have problems and issues, but all be damned if I’m going to share them in a diet group, that isn’t the place for them. This blog is for my personal struggles.

It is also for my personal rants.

Last week a newer person reported that posts on the forums of this website were making it into Google searches even though there is a log in and members only section on the site. She was in a panic because someone might find her through the site and that wasn’t wanted. The owner gave this long speil about how they have no control over what search engines see on a website and that its the user that needs to be careful. That they need to use a username that won’t be recongized or not post personal information.

I’d like to say for the record that she is wrong. Webmasters that know what they are doing and are not amateurs can stop search engines from getting to areas that they don’t want them.

  1. Create a log in that isn’t browser based. This site uses a javascript login box. If I disable javascript on my browser I can walk into the member portions without a log in. I can also view source on the page when the box comes up and retrieve the log in from the javascript. The reason I can do this is because javascript log in boxes pop up after the page has loaded, even if you only see a white page. Anyone with a little web knowledge can get into this site without a username. Hackers will love this site once it’s found. SPAM heaven!
  2. Require log in on every single page that is private. Basically when you go to yahoo for example, after you log in the first time, every single page you go to that is private it has a script to continue to check that you are who you say you are and have a right to see what you are seeing. If you don’t, it logs you out and blocks the content. This particular website does not have that. If you bookmark an internal members only page, you can go to it without logging in at any point. This does not protect it from Google. If there is a link anywhere to it, it will find it.
  3. Use a robots.txt file. This is a file that ALL search engine bots look for once they fall on a domain. If it exists they follow the rules there. Some can be to follow all the links and index them for the search engine or to skip all the pages altogether. I use robots.txt files for all my sites to govern what is saved and what isn’t.
  4. Go to google and ask that your site be removed from the search engine permanently. If you are afraid of being found, you can have google delete your site from the engine and never send a bot to it again.

These are all valid ways to protect a members only site, or any site for that matter.

As for this particular site, after I posted about why this person’s information was in google I was removed from the group.. as cliques are known to do. I challenged the pity party queen and they didn’t like it. Ignorance is bliss in a group like that. So be it. I can, if I want to, make a site that is more professional and useful than hers, and no one would have to worry about their privacy being broken within the members area. I’ve been nice and not making a competition site because I liked the website owner. Now it’s fair game. Who do you think people would like more? Someone who cares for the users safety and actually weight loss struggles or someone who lets anyone into their site for maliciou intent and throws a self pity party every week when things get bad for her?

/rant

–luna

EDIT: And now I go and see that she has deleted all my sites from her Toplist. WTF?

EDIT2: She emailed me to tell me I was removed from the toplists because the stats said I only gave her 600 links to her 7000. Well if that’s the way she’s playing it, then she has a TON more sites to remove from her toplist. I was always on the first page of listed sites, so all the others should just go to hell then right? What a way to rationalize her removal of the sites. W/e.

The Photo You've Been Waiting For

Here is the photo Master just took of me in his new collar! (click to view larger image)

If you want to see the detail of the collar itself, here’s the catalog photo: (click to view larger image)

Master locked it on with a small lock and he has the key. There is also a backup key in our fire safe box just in case something happens.

–luna

Stormy Weather

We are getting ready to hunker down into a huge snow storm. The weather is horrible. Predictions are ice and snow, with freezing rain and wind. Oh my. It’s going to be a long weekend.

Full time starts on Thursday and I’m so happy to finally be seeing my issues with money ending soon. I’ve set my vacation time first week of August too. I am hoping that Master will be able to take the time off too. We can spend the time together, really together.

I’ve worked really hard this week and I know that adjusting to the new routine will be hell, but it’s worth it. So very worth it.

New collar picture to come tomorrow hopefully. I look crummy today and I want to look good!

–luna

Resolution

Well, it’s not what I hoped for but there is some good in people that is so touching. I have an acquaintance at work; the person who covers my job if I’m not there. She came and picked me up Monday and yesterday while my job was in the shop. I was able to work my shift. This acquaintance, M, gave me 2 loaves of bread and a $15 gift card for Wallyworld. She said not to say no, that she’s been there and had some help and wanted to do the same for me. This gift card may just be the saving point when I’m completely out of money before my next paycheck. I cried. She also brought doughnuts to work with her yesterday and paid for a fast food lunch between the two sites. Luckily she was assigned to both of them or the ride she gave me would have been extremely cumbersome to her.

My boss also worked out that this week and maybe next week I can get up to 20 more hours at another site that needs some help before their certification next month. Next week is still up in the air, but I should know Friday if more hours have been approved.

I picked up my car yesterday. I didn’t have to leave a post-dated check. They just expect me back on Friday with my first half payment. I couldn’t have asked for a more trusting auto place; one that I’ve been with for 6 years. I know he would like to have the rest next week, but that’s not possible unless a miracle happens with Master’s work. It is nice to know that he’s not going to hold some check and I have to worry if he’s going to ‘accidentally’ try to pass it through the bank before there is money there.

~~~~

Master’s new collar is somewhere in Iowa today. He realized just yesterday that the delivery address, that we already had them change once, didn’t have an apartment number on it. I don’t know how the darn thing is going to get here now but he said to let him handle it. So, I’ll have to wait to see what happens with this.

~~~~

I got in trouble with Master last night. I forgot one of my new rules… the butt plug one. I can’t figure out if I honestly forgot or if it was a subconscious slip. I really don’t like this rule and he knows it. He says that I have to do it anyway and I really should learn to do it because it makes him happy. I realize that’s the case, but he’s not the one with a rubber phallus up his ass. Then tucking me in he refused my night cuffs because I had been a bad girl and instead of just accepting it, I retorted, “Good!” and that got me a little tongue lashing itself. I was angry, frustrated and all the stresses of this past week have culminated in this one moment I think. Just this once (for I won’t be allowed to do it again) I wanted to talk back and get snippy. For that he denied my goodnight kiss and tucking in ritual and just left.

I was so upset that I cried. I cried till I fell asleep and then he came back. He pulled off the sheets and fucked me. I moved to turn and he said not to. I froze. I just took it. No emotion, no movement, no enjoying it. This was just him rutting a hole. It was the first time he has ever done that without my knowledge previous to going to bed that he might do that. My body belongs to him, but inside I felt hurt and violated. When he was finished he covered me back up and left again. I cried harder. I silently sobbed and fumed and wanted to scream at him for no apparent reason. I cried myself back to sleep.

I still feel hurt but have accepted that I am whatever he wishes me to be.

–luna

Can this day get any worse?

I found out how much my car is going to cost me. I don’t have it. I really can’t afford it at all. With the auto guy being really nice he was able to knock it down to $500. I told him I would give him a post dated check for Friday for half of it and he wants the other half next Friday. I won’t have it, but I desperately need my car, so I agreed. I’m so screwed. How in the world am I going to get the money? I have no family to ask. So… I’m taking donations if anyone is feeling charitable. Honest, I really am. Paypal to my email address luna@the-iron-gate.com

With my car repairs bill I will have no money for food or gasoline. I’m going to talk to the Food Bank near here and see if I can get an emergency allotment of food. I really hate begging. It’s humiliating and degrading and I had vowed to never let myself get in this situation again.

Then this afternoon I go to make some soup and scald my hand. Teach me to take the bowl out of the microwave without a mitt. The whole bowl of soup went over my left hand and I’m in a lot of pain.

Of course then the other bills won’t get paid, so I’m on a ticking clock for the electricity, water, phone, internet and rent. I don’t even want to think of what may happen.

Can today get any worse at all?

–luna

Blog Link Swap

My blogroll here at luna’s Journey is getting rather short. If you read my blog and I don’t have a link back to you, please let me know! If you would like to trade links, please let me know! Just post a comment to this post to be considered. Thank you!

For LJ users: If you would like you blog linked on my external blog, just reply to the post and let me know, same goes for swapping links too!

I’m always interested in reading new people. I’m a blogaholic and I love being a voyeuristic perv too ;) Come on over and share!

–luna

Can anyone spare some change?

If financial stress could get worse I think I’ve felt the worst of it. My car wouldn’t start today. I had to have it towed into the repair shop; they’ll get to it on Monday. My stress is that I’m already in the red for the month with the towing I had last week out of the ditch. I have no one to help me even a little bit and I don’t have a decent paycheck to look forward to on Friday. With this car problem it’s already spent. I don’t need this stress right now.

I wish that work would just hurry up and sign the addendum so that I can start full time. It will definitely ease some tensions and I can actually pay some bills on time for a change. I’m tired of playing beat the bill collector and hiding from the phone. I’m just so tired. I’d work more if I could.

I don’t have a freelance job anymore that was helping to bring in some money. If only I could find some of that… just 3 hours a night on it could potentially help us immensely. Master works so hard and he’s not had a day off for 2 years. I want to be able to give him a day off, no a week off sometime soon. If only our ship would come in.

There’s no reason why we should continue to struggle. We are intelligent people. We can make things happen. I hate that I can’t work more; I’d work all the time if I could and perhaps that is why Master requests only 8 hours a day. I stress so over much about money that it brings Master down, it depresses me and then it affects our dynamic. I wish I could give this up to him, I really do; but I can’t. It’s too important for me right now to take of this.

God help me through this, it’s been too long since I had a break, a stroke of good luck, a promise of a new day coming. I just need something, soon or I shall find dispair in the lowliest things.

–luna

A Request from Behind

Ok, so I have to wear a butt plug every other day for a set amount of time. No big deal right? Right.

Anyone have any tips on how to keep the darn thing IN ? I stand up and out it comes, like my muscles just accept it and relax completely. Ugh. It’s great for anal sex and play but not for when you have to try to retain something for a time.

I know that the shape of the butt plug has some clout. Being tight on money means we can’t get any new ones at the moment ( I have my eye on a jeweled one with a very narrow neck and wide egg shaped head). SO…. how do I keep it in there so that I can do something other than sit on my plugged ass for the time it has to be in there?

–luna

Love

Since my recollaring Master and I have played several times, our relationship is stronger than ever and the future is bright and happy. I have looked from the past to the future and I can declare that the state of our love is good! How cheesy is that?!

Valentine’s Day may be a day set aside for commercialism but it is also a day to remind us all that love lives every day of the year. I celebrate my Valentine every single day that I honor his collar. I am his and proud to earn his love and commitment.

Today marks the ‘window’ for his new collar to arrive. I can’t wait! I’m still really nervous about the locking of it around my neck. It’s so final, so permanant and somewhat of a scary thing. It’s an honor to know that he wants me for life but also so scary. I don’t think I even considered my ex-marriage this heavily. It was something I always felt that I could back out of. This lock feels more solid than that and it could be just that I feel more embraced by him and his love that I feel this way. Perhaps it could also be because I am so peaceful in my position with him and that I know he’s the perfect match for me. I could do no better than his love.

Today Master and I played with the hot wax again. It is such a wonderful experience and I know that this is one of his favorite activities to do with me. It’s so sensual and erotic and intense! He’s getting so good at his dominance in session, so controled and aware. It’s beautiful and wonderful and I can finally begin to relax.

If only I could have relaxed today…. my darned needy cat cried for almost the entire time we were in the bedroom and oh my goodness did it break my head space. I was so angry with him that I have yet to even acknowledge that he’s in the same room as me. *scowl*

I am also going to give Master a sponge bath and a blowjob later. He promises some hard sex too :D OH, and my favorite… cuddling. Ah, now this is a wonderful day to be his girl.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

–luna

Wax On, Wax Off

As I shared in a previous post, Master and I went to a munch on Saturday. It’s one we try to go to almost every month. There was a raffle for a wax kit. Master wanted 5 tickets so in they went. I was pretty excited! As the munch went on we had a wonderful presentation on protocol and picked up a few interesting bits of information. Master passed around his new bondage book Two Knotty Boys Showing the Ropes. It’s pretty awesome! I’d recommend it for anyone who wants to learn bondage, some pretty knots and it’s illustrated :)

We won the raffle! The package came with a small crock pot, Gulf Wax (paraffin wax found in the grocery store, canning isle), candy thermometer, ice cream scoop, soup ladle, spatula, paint bush (x2), loofah gloves and some baby powder. Woo hoo! Master was so excited to play when we got home.

The night got the better of me though and we had to postpone it to Sunday. OMG yesterday was great. Master loved painting me with wax, I had it everywhere from inner thighs to pussy, breasts and belly. It was marvelous, but not the best part. The soup ladle was the most fun. He’d ladle in a bit of wax and then pour it on me, wow now that’s a grand sensation! I can’t wait to do it again.

The loofah gloves are the bomb! Taking the wax off with a rubbery like scratchy glove felt so delicious. I was in my zone. Mmmm.

Next time we want to try coloring some wax, but we have to research with the best coloring agents are. I’ve always been under the impression that food coloring stains and I don’t know what crayons are made of to be able to put those in the mix (edit: Now I do and we are going to).

We ran out and bought more sponge brushes, a basket to keep all the wax stuff in and some drop clothes. Oh boy are we going to have fun!

~~~

No new news on the full time front. My boss said today that while the feedback was good on Friday, no decisions were made. The ball is in their court now, they have the addendums, so I just wait. I hate waiting. We need money now. If only they would hurry up.

–luna

I'm waiting

I’m still waiting. Waiting to hear if the client of my work contract wants to up my hours to full time. They had a meeting today where this was a key part of the conversation. My boss has not called me, it’s late and I don’t think I’ll hear anything until Monday. This is torture. I really hate waiting. It drives my mind into thinking all the negative things. It produces those what if’s that corrupt your positive energy. I wish I’d just find out already!

On another note, Master got confirmation that they shipped my new collar today and it should arrive sometime between 2-14 and 2-24. Yay! I’m really excited to wear it, feel it and know that Master locked it around my throat. Another thing I’m waiting for!

Tomorrow is munch with the local group. They are having a topic on protocol and Master and I are really looking forward to it. I have to remember to bring some money too so that we can put in for the raffle of a wax play kit :) I know Master and I can enjoy that!

I’m hoping that Master will allow some more small play this weekend. I’d love to show him that I’m still working on the trust within play/scene and that I want to please him in all areas of his life.

I’ve started reworking my submissive code of ethics on Luna’s Lessons. (LJ readers have already seen it.) I’m hoping I can come up with a decent working version of it after I’m done with this week’s essay. Boy is it a hard one too! Well worth the thought I’m putting into it. Master sure likes to make his girl think.

Any ideas for essays or sections of my handbook that would help me find more of my submssive self, or something I should make sure to pay attention to? (I’d also really like some domestic submissive tips… I’m terrible at making cleaning submissive at all. It’s still just a crummy chore.)

From Submissive Journal Prompts: “We do not write because we want to; we write because we have to.” — W. Somerset Maugham

I just wanted to say that this is a two-fold quote. One because I have a rule that I must write and so I do. The other is because if I don’t write I feel that I can’t express myself. Master has learned that writing helps me form my thoughts and expressions where speaking couldn’t. I need to write, it’s in me, it’s overpowering somedays and the ability to create anything with words is a gift that I hope never leaves me. I write and the writing is me.

–luna

Letter to Master-Feb 4, 2007

Dear Master,

Well, so I have my new rules and I’m not really surprised. I thought that they would be really challenging. Now I’m not saying these are easy at all! I noticed you have a theme of protocol this time. I really hope I can make you happy by following them as best as possible.

I know that with the rules I have more chances for failure and discipline I will have to face. I do hope I can learn these behaviors really quickly so that I don’t have to experience it any time soon.

I really hope you can purchase that necklace. It’s quite pretty and I think will be adaptable for a lock. No one will have any clue unless they already know.

You asked me today if I was okay that you pretty much stuck to yourself all weekend. In fact its been nice to just hang out ‘alone’ all weekend. It’s almost like you weren’t here.

… I, however, would really like a sex filled day or so sometime soon. I know that’s on the to do list! :)

Do it to me baby…

It’s been a change to say the least! I am constantly aware of things I need to do before bed or I could get into some serious cane time (not good). I am almost always watchful for what Master may need or desire. Things may come together well.

We also attempted a small play session. The first after I admitted that my trust in Master when it came to play was really bad. I’ve been working with an internal dialog to help release some of that tension and I told Master today that the only way to test my confidence in him was to play a bit. I admitted I would try slow and small sessions to allow my mind to accept Master as someone who will not hurt me, someone I trust and love with my whole heart. Master had me over his knee for a little spanking. It was delicious. I forgot how wonderful it feels to be in his touch and how erotic the pain is when he delivers it. I got all floaty feeling and then he fucked me. Mmm, it was wonderful. I hope we do it again soon. I’ve been missing the SM part of our relationship. Perhaps I’ve been so concentrated on the submissive side because I need the SM part too. One will inevitably lead to another with Master.

I’ve been working on writing some sections for my personal handbook site. I’ve almost got another page done about Anal training. I know this is something that Master wants to do all the time, which is why butt plug wearing is in my rules. Just as soon as I get rid of this darned hemorrhoid I’ll be able to get back to that. I’ve never had one before but I read that if you treat them they will go away 90% of the time without issue. I’m hoping for that. It doesn’t hurt unless it’s irritated. Well anyway when this goes away I’ll be able to start the butt plug training and save up for the plug I really want.

Well, I’m off to shave and prepare for bed. I’ve gotta try to get into doing my routine again. It makes me feel so accomplished.

–luna

Worry

Lesson for today: Master will worry about you if you aren’t on time.

Today on the way home from work I skidded into a ditch. This isn’t the first time it happened, however it is the first that I could not get myself out. I shoveled and dug, poured kitty litter down. Nothing. A nice state patrolman called me a tow and I was back on the road in an hour and a half.

It usually takes me 45 mins to get home. I didn’t have the patrolman call Master because I was worried that he’d worry too much and I didn’t know when I’d get home.

I was wrong, he worried anyway.

I’m fine. I ache all over from being tense and the stress of the snow drift impact. I was 2 feet from a 7 ft ravine and that did more to rattle my nerves than the being stuck. Just 2 feet and I could have fallen in, maybe flipped my car or worse. I didn’t want to think about it, but I didn’t have anything else to do while I waited for the tow and watched them tug it out.

I’m excused from the blow job Master wanted, I’m excused from exercising (although I think the snow shoveling counts) and all I want to do is destress. So what do I do? I go read all my friends blogs and muse about their days.

–luna

And now we can begin…

Now that I have my rules laid out, I have to try to start following them. I know that the next few weeks are going to be rocky as I learn them, get used to them and be constantly reminded of things he has initiated. While I am more than ready, I’m also very nervous of displeasing him. I think that’s normal. If I wasn’t worried about making him upset then I think there would be something wrong with my side of the power exchange.

Thankfully all my work this last week has been noticed. Even little smiles of acknowledgment have been fuel for the new fire in me. Master has said he likes what he sees and I know I feel good doing things right. I’m regularly checking Master’s coffee level. You wouldn’t believe the volume this man drinks every day. I’m offering to get him things when I get up and I think I’ve made myself as available as possible. All of these things are good things.

Amazon sent me some wonderful books I have been waiting to get for over a year now. Kusheil’s Dart Series by Jacqueline Carey! Yay! I borrowed them from a wonderful friend years ago and read all three of them (there are 4 now) in a month. It’s such a wonderful series, I’d recommend it to anyone that enjoys fantasy with a bit of SM. I’m so excited to finish the book I’m on now and get to reading my new ones!

–luna