Can’t cry

Master and I have gone a long time between play sessions. Generally it’s because we can’t seem to be in the mood at the same time, can’t find the free time for each other or don’t want to put that much effort into it. It’s all excuses really. Well today was a day to try it out.

It started as a really horny day for me and as the day went on I realized that the type of sex I wanted wasn’t the same as what Master seemed to be wanting. I was craving the ‘Take me because you want me, not because you want to pleasure me’ type of sex. The aggressive forceful, all for Master’s pleasure type sex. I let him know that and he took it. He went behind me and pulled my clothes off of me, dragged my into the bedroom by my tits (he loves that) and then forced me on the bed.

He had that glint in his eye; the type that says I’m going to play hard and you’re going to love every minute of it. I didn’t know what I was in for. He got the clips out and put them all over my breasts and pussy lips. These things are nasty when you haven’t had any play for a long time, they were almost virgin flesh again. During the fierce removal of these clips I began to cry. Not that it meant I wanted it to stop, but that it just hurt and it was a release of emotions.

This alarmed Master and he just stopped, deflated and was very confused. He retreated and felt horrible. What, I couldn’t cry? Why the heck couldn’t I feel whatever I wanted to feel, so what if I cried. I was in pain wasn’t I? Wasn’t that the point? I left the bedroom almost instantly and curled up on the couch really frustrated. Somewhere there had been miscommunication, something needed to be off my chest and it needed to be soon or I felt that we were doomed. He came out and asked me what was wrong, what had happened.

I started talking. Play to me was sometimes therapy, it was release. My body does a lot of things when I just let go during play. He usually got the giggles out of me and has adjusted to that just fine but I admitted to him that in past play sessions with others (which is an almost taboo subject in this house) I had many different reactions. I have laughed, cried, screamed, cussed like a sailor, fought and struggled or went completely limp and pliable. Anything was predicable to happen; I am a chameleon. I don’t think it’s unnatural or uncommon really. I had controlled my reactions up to now because I kept telling myself that he’s new and I don’t want to give him more than I think he’s ready for. Who am I to do that? I have basically be denying myself my natural reactions. I’ve been forcing myself to stay alert and aware and not allow myself to feel as I could. I told him that if he wanted to play with me that he needed to be prepared for all sorts of reactions and that as long as I was lucid and alert I had all the power to say ‘red’ and stop things. I would not allow myself to go further than I know I can. That’s why the safeword exists. We have never even reached each other’s limits yet anywhere and I know both of us could be strong players; pushing and going further than we can even imagine right now. I know he understood. He said he would like to try again when I was ready.

I was shaking and so I relaxed and let myself come back from the mild disorientation this had brought me into. I wanted to play again. I wanted to relax and be myself; to allow myself any reaction that I may have and allow him to deal with it. He knew now that I would say red if I needed to and I think I gave him the assurance that he needed to know that I was fine and not scared of the reactions he was producing in me.

Awhile later we did try again. It was great. Turns out I was in a struggling, feisty, cuss him out sort of mood. I teared up again, I hissed through the pain and enjoyed it all immensely. He said he enjoyed himself now that he wasn’t worried about my reactions. I’m still kinda floaty and trying to digest it all but I think I’ve hit an open field of possibility. I may have finally submitted to him a bit more; part of me I had guarded for 2 years now.

Release. I’m feeling good and achy and I have the marks to prove that it was a good time, for both of us.

Possibly related posts:

1. Tears of Confusion and Anger
2. The New Bath Brush
3. Do You Trust Me?
4. Immobility
5. I cried