Yesterday was a day from hell and a clawing my way back up to life here on earth. Master and I had plans to play. No different than any other time. Those of you that read my blog regularly know that sometimes we just don’t get to it, other times we have our problems. This was/is a major problem.
I was tied down and Master was spanking me, he released my arms and this is where I came out swinging. I almost got it him. What the heck got into me? All I wanted was for him to rub my ass between swats with that paddle so that it would take the sting off. Yup, topping from the bottom. But it turns out that was just the icing on the cake.
I’ve been having dreams lately, almost a week now. Each one is exactly the same. It’s almost like a movie… Master says, “Do you trust me?” and I say, “Are you going to hurt me?” That’s all it is over and over. That’s how I realized that, no he doesn’t have my complete trust. There are loopholes. Areas that I can’t give him my trust. And one of those happens to be play. God I’m terrible. No wonder we can’t figure out why play just doesn’t seem compatible and satisfying anymore. I’m not letting him in, allowing him all of my trust and then my comfort level is no where near where it should be.
We had this horrible argument, crying and fussing. It felt like the end. I mean we’ve been together for 2 years and I’m just figuring out that I have trust issues? C’mon. I’m terribly evil. Now, I know I can work through this just like I have the other issues. I’ve slowly given him all of me anyhow and I know he can see the faith I have in our relationship, so why did I have to hold this back?
I think it’s related to my childhood abuse; at least that’s how I feel when I dream. My father always hurt me, my mother did the same. So when I hear, “do you trust me?” I think, no because those who love me have hurt me before. I need to work out those feelings because Master is not going to hurt me. He’s better than all that.
So I feel like I could loose him, that I have lost him even though he still here. He loves me, has told me that he loves me and things go on. I have to work everyday on how to open myself up fully. If we can’t play then it’s pretty hopeless. I only want one man. I want Master. I’ll do anything to work out my mental baggage to keep him.
When I give him all I have, I will get it returned to me ten-fold. He is all I ever want him to be.
I got a Note from the Universe today that was very touching and spot on to my thoughts. I wanted to share it here, perhaps give someone else some insight into life.
It’s no accident, Jennifer, that when you look closely into the eyes of another, the very first thing you see, is yourself.That when you hold their hand, you can feel your own warmth.
And that when you give of yourself, you give to yourself.
Because, quite simply, both you, and they, are me. — The Universe (http://www.tut.com)