January 2007

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Since Saturday I have felt like I am living a different life. I’d like to attribute it to the newness of my reinstated collar, the preparation for new rules and behaviors and the very close decision of full time employment with my current employer. I’m really being a good girl I think. Master said the goal with these new rules will be to enforce and enhance my awareness of authority. A glimpse of the rules include addressing Dominants by title within lifestyle situations, holding doors and polite speech for Master, writing assignments weekly and sexual training of a variation he hasn’t really opened up completely other than butt plug training… I’m still waiting for the final version with everything in writing. I do have my first writing assignment due Sunday. I’ll share it if and when he allows me to. ;)

Master has been looking for a new collar, one a bit more permanent and he wants it to be locked on… has me a bit scared only because that will mean I can’t take it off on my own and well…. this is really happening. It’s so real, so settling and well… FANTASTIC! Anyone want to share what their permanent collar looks like? I’ve got to wear mine out to work and such so it’s not going to uber obvious.

I gave Master a bath and massage this weekend and it really made me centered and I enjoyed my time with him. He suggested making it a semi-regular thing; along with spankings. hehe, sounds good to me!

Today in the work arena my bosses and the client had a lunch meeting to discuss moving me to full time. I’m still waiting to hear if anything happened positively, negatively or nothing at all. It’s so nerve wrecking! Maybe I’ll know tomorrow, maybe not. As soon as I know, you’ll know. Trust me.


Dated: January 29, 2007

This is one day late. I have no excuse, I can only hope for your leniency. I didn’t even think about doing it. Opps!

I’ve been feeling really loved the past couple of days. You really did surprise me. In fact, I thought that when I discussed my break in trust during play that I had set myself back quite a bit. I know I’ve made progress and hope you will want to try playing again soon.

The new rules are going to be a struggle at first. My ass is going to be so raw for the first few weeks of training I think. The other rules are definitely going to keep me on my toes. But I’m ready. I’m glad you thought so too.

Your collar is such a comfort. I can’t really describe how it feels. I feel your love every time I reach for it.

I’m committed to you, always Master. I hope I can take these new rules and hehaviors and make you proud of me.

Under the Desk

First I want to say thank you to all the wonderful readers out there that congratulated Master and myself for the renewed collaring. We both greatly appreciate it and while I’d love to thank each and every one of you individually; there just isn’t enough time in the day. Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart.

Master has given me a glimpse of what my new rules will en tale and I know that some of them will be interesting to do, others not so much

Now, on to the smut!

Taking a chapter from kaya_s diary, I sat next to Master while he worked on the computer. I’d read and seen the pictures of what it was like to be under kaya’s Master’s desk and for some reason it appealed to me. That object moment; when all I want to be is available, used, and then discarded. Oddly, that happens frequently. On this day I was feeling especially frisky and started playing with him, teasing his cock and balls, turning him on slowly. I whispered to him that I wanted to suck his cock, but moreso, I wanted to crawl under his desk and just be a cunt and ass to fuck and do as he pleased with. His cock twitched with that and that wonderful grin crossed his face.

I did suck his dick and really enjoyed it and the sounds that were coming from Master. He was loving it! I became that object after I gave his cock the attention it needed. I crawled under the desk and he began playing with me, teasing me. I was so turned on and I knew that he was enjoying himself too. It didn’t take long before he was fucking something fierce and my god did it feel good. There was something to having nothing else distracting you, just the 3 artificial walls around you and the sounds of Master at your back end, doing whatever he pleased.

I was a very happy slut that night.


Well worth the work

“I want you to promise that you will try to be as good as you were today, everyday.”

“I promise I will try to be good everyday Master.”

Master has honored me today, I have honored him. He was full of pride for me, I’ve been good. He told me that I have changed and I’m not the girl I was 6 months ago. That girl was unacceptable. I am now his again.

I have earned Master’s collar again. He surprised me with it. I didn’t have a clue it was coming. He asked me if he could give me something. I had absolutely no clue what he was talking about. He stood behind me and held his collar across my throat. I was teary-eyed when he said he’d like to put it back on. I didn’t know what to say. I asked him if I had really earned it or if it had been because I was so good today. He said he’d been thinking about it all day and that I had really earned it. I had changed and proven to him that I want to make the effort to be who I truly am. I’m so overwhelmed with love and honor for him.

“You’re my baby again.”

Such wonderful words. The hugs and kisses were so sweet, so wonderful. I’ve come back around and I know the real honor of wearing Master’s collar now. I shall wear it with respect and pride for what I have earned and the love that he holds for me within it.

I’m me again.

The return of Master’s collar does come with new rules and behaviors. Master said he will give them to me within a week. I know I will struggle with the new rules. He knows I will try to do my best.

This is a happy day.


Yeah, well…

I’m on to the next book of the year, Memnoch the Devil. If you haven’t noticed it’s an Anne Rice marathon. I’ve got all the Vampire Chronicles. Then I will most likely move onto the Harry Potter series. Who knows what comes after that. I’m really happy to be reading again. It feel so good.

I’m still waiting to get full time work, I wish they would just decide already. I hate the waiting. I have my certification this next week. It’s sort of a site evaluation to make sure that I’m doing things the right way. I have a lot of cleaning planned for early this week before the big day.

I’ve really nothing to say. That isn’t to say I don’t have anything going on, but I’m at a loss of what is really important about things. Tomorrow is the local munch, I’m looking forward to that. I will get to see some people that I’ve just met and others that are always nice to see.

Well, so… yeah… that’s pretty much it.



Master’s mother sent me a belated Christmas gift. She has never met me and didn’t know about me until after Master was here with me. I got a ruby and diamond ring. It’s simply beautiful.

His sister asked him on IM if he was going to marry me. Gosh we’ve not even gotten that far, besides I’m stuck still being married to my ex. I do hope to repair that someday soon. Just have to save up the lawyer’s retainer. I’ve even spoken with his mother and she has said that I make him happy and that’s all that matters. It’s very touching to be embraced as tightly as I have been by his family.

On the diet front: I’ve not been doing well with my diet lately. I’ve not exercised as much as I should, I’ve not watched my portions. I’ve been lucky to still have it be within my calorie range, but it’s not all healthy food. That’s just as bad as not dieting at all. I feel horrible and each time I pull myself together and give it an honest attack I do loose weight again. I’m just going to have to bite the bullet and admit that being healthy is hard work.

I think I’m in a good place submissively. I’ve really been working on my behavior and responses to Master. He’s noticed it a bit and that’s even better. Hopefully with the improvements Master will be able to help me work with my trust in play issue and then we can move on.

The only way to work on the trust issue is to start playing again, slowly, small sessions with lots of talking and touching I think. That will be up to Master of course. I really hurt him when I told him I was having problems accepting him during play. I know this is something I can fix though, I’ve been thinking about it a lot during my drive to and from work. This is definitely something that will be repaired. We love each other too much not to.


Snap that Attitude!

As I noted in a previous entry, I am done with a website that has taken up my time for over 4 months. Now that I am not doing anything after work in the morning I have developed some rather troublesome symptoms.

I’m snappy with Master, I’m irritated at the slightest things, I’m bored, I have no motivation, I’m constantly worried and lazy. From what I can tell it stems from not having more to do. This is not to say that there isn’t anything to do. I’m a terrible housekeeper. I always have cleaning I could do. I have my personal websites that I have plans for. I’ve got 4+ blogs I could be thinking and writing for. This list could go on and on. But am I doing it? No. I’m snappy at Master and that’s a bad thing in itself.

He gave me some direction though, and I’m going to try it out. He said he’d be glad to give my tasks to do, chores to complete and otherwise keep me busy throughout my day. I made a deal with him. If he doesn’t see an improvement in me with my busy level and my attitude in the next week he is more than welcome to help structure my days. I’d like to try to get this going on my own. It seems more fulfilling if I self motivate and improve. I can’t explain why.

So, all this week I will see how I can maintain getting things done on my own. That will include repairing my testy attitude so that it’s more to Master’s liking. If at the end of this week he feels I have not made a decent enough improvement he holds the reigns on my free time. I’m kinda nervous as to what that would entail, so I’m going to give this week my best shot. Another thought though… If I do succeed this week and he is appeased I have to keep it up! Hard lesson of course. Worth it? Yes!


Peace in Trust

Things are going well in Master’s house. We’ve been working through my issues that occurred this weekend and the feelings I have, the feelings I don’t have and the continuous issue with trust. I’ve done a lot of thought on it myself since this past weekend and what I can say now is that I think I have never opened up to Master as I should when it comes to playtime. I can’t find a real good reason why other than I was afraid that if I let him in fully that I would be hurt and keeping that part of myself protected me.

In fact, it did the opposite. It has hindered our growth as a couple, it has caused many frustrating nights and attempted play sessions. My denial to hand over that part of myself has caused our lives to shift in a way that should never have had to be. I’m truly to blame for it all and I know that I can recover and finally submit my all to him.

I know he knows this. He would never give me the chance to try to break down the barriers I put up if he knew I wouldn’t be able to do this. He’s such a wonderful patient man. I will make progress and I feel that I’m making progress even now; just by talking about it and thinking about it. I know I can accept that he will care for me and protect me. I know that soon I will be able to open myself up entirely and tear down those walls that are keeping us separate in a very important way. I need unity, I need peace, I need him and I know he knows that.

I do trust Master. I know that. I also know that for one reason or another that trust has an invisible limit that I need to break down. No submissive should only accept a dominant partially. I must give of myself fully and I will. It will be a day of healing, of acceptance and hopefully lead to a future filled with love, happiness and peace.

Peace in myself, peace in my relationship, peace in my submission. Offering that piece of myself that I am still holding onto — although it is now less and less tightly — will be given to him along with the rest of me. I know it. I know he will be there to accept it also.

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