I read a post from a LJ friend today that rang so true with me that I’d like to post a bit here and then talk about how it relates to my life. puzzle of PolyBDSMMadHouse said that,
when Sir is lenient, it undermines me, and makes me feel as if he doesn’t care about the rules he’s set. it makes me feel like a failure for forgetting. it makes me feel … well… pretty damn worthless. and going those rounds with myself had definitely been taking their toll. i told him the only way i knew how. i asked for firmness.
I’ve had a similar talk with Master lately about the fact that I have these rules that I’m supposed to be following. Master notices when I don’t follow them; I haven’t done a good job at it lately really at all. I’m not trying very hard either, I admit. I know that changing for him and doing as he would like requires that I follow his rules. I also know that if he doesn’t do more than mentally note that I’m not doing them, they will continue to lapse.
One of the reasons I was attracted to Master and a D/s relationship was the firmness in which I saw Dominants, the structure and rules enforced. Right now I have rules, and they would be enforced if I go about my own enforcing and discipline. I know that some relationships are that way. I also know that those with a natural born submissive nature don’t have the problems I’m having all the time. My need to please and submit out of love and devotion doesn’t necessarily bring about the rule abiding nature and fear of chastisement that drives others to follow the rules to the letter.
And then I see asis… her need to serve in any capacity that she can, with all her heart whether she is ill, physically incapable or off mood. I don’t know how she does it. She’s been injured and yet she serves; she’s been ill and she serves. She frustrates her Dom by serving even when his concern for her care is at an all time high.
Why can’t I cause the frustration in my Dom that I’m too passionate about serving that it’s affecting my health and not causing frustration because I’m not serving at all?
Today I’ve been crabby. I can’t explain why except that when I’m at work I feel a separation of reality (the stress of finances, web dev work, dieting and exercise and so much more). Master pointed out that I’m probably crabby with him that while I don’t mean for him to be a point of stress and anxiety, he happens to be in the location where all these things are and so I vent on him. Nothing I know will cure this.
I’m snippy and he gets silent. In that I know I did something wrong, but it only fuels me. I egg him on more, make him talk about it and then he’s upset with me for doing that. It’s a loosing battle all around. But why does it always have to be a battle? Why can’t we be at peace when I’m home, why can’t I separate the stress with the joy in seeing Master. Why can’t reality just… *sigh* … real life will never go away. I have to find a different way of seeing it is all. It needs to not become priority in life. It needs to be shifted. Master and my submission should be priority.
I’ve been slacking. I’m frustrated. Master has been slacking. It’s all falling away and I don’t want it too. God I need to force myself to be just right, be there for him and most of all be me. I know I have it in me.