Monthly Archives: November 2006

Change of Plans

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If you’ve followed my diet journal you know that for the past 6 months I’ve been struggling to get below 302. I’m really stuck and have been at a loss for what to do to help me get going again. I brought these concerns to Master just over 2 weeks ago because even though it’s not a rule that I need to loose weight he supports my choice to become healthier. He has also expressed a desire to get back into working out and eating healthier is always encouraged.

Really we’ve been eating really poorly lately, primarily due to the lack of funds. There’s only so many things you can get when you’ve got pennies in your pocket. But now we are ready to sacrifice other things so that we can eat better, work out more and become healthier. Maybe that might stir my loosing again.

As a part of this plan, Master is my workout buddy. Three times a week he and I work out for 30 mins (to start). Right now he and I do different things but I’m sure at some point we want to go to a gym again. Dreams are great though and one day we will go back to the gym and I will definitely be loosing then. I loved the gym. I do the DVD workouts I have right now. Master likes to walk.

I also have a few rules when it comes to food. I have to ask Master before I eat anything. He will decide if it’s within my realms or not. Basically he’s my concious. I am also not allowed to detour on my way home from work to stop at the store for anything. If I have an errand I have to ask Master first, and he has been coming with me most days.

Maybe I’ll get under 300 by the end of the year. I have 6 lbs to go. While that seems tough it is possible under healthy conditions. Here goes nothing right?

–luna

Libido Slump

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I’ll never understand why my libido waxes and wanes so aggressively. Just last week I was insatiable, to the point that my sex was throbbing and aching and I was begging to be left alone. Now I’m even anti touching unless it’s a hug or a kiss. I just can’t explain it. I’m really disturbed by it. While I realize that no one (other than kaya_s Master) can be the energizer bunny, I would like to think that I could try to keep up with Master’s need for sex and sexual attention. No, not me. I’m a dud.

I actually don’t miss masturbation anymore, in fact I don’t crave an orgasm very often. Even when I know it’s Master’s intention sometimes I just don’t want it. What in the world is going on with me? I used to live on 4 o’s a day…. now it’s more like one a week unless my libido is through the roof. My pleasure should be Master’s to decide, but why is it that I try to avoid contact with him for that?

Sex even seems like a chore lately or *gulp* disgusting? I hope this feeling subsides soon as I know for a fact that I happen to love sex, fucking, and everything else we do between the sheets. Maybe I just need a good discipline style spanking?

I’ve found a new project to keep me busy into the dying hours of many a boring day/night. I’m not going to share much about it just yet but trust me it will be fun, exciting and *cross fingers* useful for everyone. Yes, it’s a website.. what else do I do with my time? :P

My job is discussing the possibility at maybe raising my hours to hopefully full time. (Gee does that sound like it’s totally up in the air or what.) I can hope, pray, meditate over it, but it’s really out of my hands. Full time work would mean no more struggling to pay bills on time, no more putting off new pants to pay that electric bill or eating hotdogs for a week straight because they were the only thing you could afford. I don’t know how long it would take for them to decide one way or the other, but it is promising nonetheless. As promising as it might rain tonight (chances are 50/50).

Master and I are working on my diet again together this time. He is my workout partner 3 days a week so that I can get my 90 mins a week in (goal is 3 hours a week by Spring). He also has issued a rule, decree, whatever that whenever I eat I have to get approval first. He is in essence in control of whatever I put in my mouth. It’s hard, very hard but he’s keeping me on track and that’s what I need right now until I can start loosing again. The motivation to continue will come when success is at my door once again. I love Master so much for stepping up to the plate to do that for me.

–luna

The Day After

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I hope everyone’s Thanksgiving went well. Master and I spent a nice day at home with no work, no stress (other than my usual cooking stress) and it was great. It would have been better had my pussy not still been sore from 3 days ago when Master and I went all out with so much sex every which way that I was totally out of commission. Not that I didn’t mind it one bit!

I’m hoping for some more play this weekend, as last week’s was a flop. It’s all about connection, you know. Master and I connect through play; it brings out the submissive in me and the dominant in him. We are stronger in our roles, our bodies sing for each other and afterwards we maintain this high for hours or days that is just wonderful. I’ve not reached what I’d call subspace with Master, but I get that hazy feeling and I’m close; I can tell it’s close. One day I will zone for him.

I’d like to thank pure_blue for the suggestion of using mints while giving a blowjob. It has rocked Master’s world and made my phobia a bit more tolerable. I actually enjoyed the last one I gave, and trust me; I used Altoids so if it wasn’t going to work with them, it was hopeless. Mmmm, thank you again!

I’ve been looking around at links that I have saved everywhere and those referenced by others in the lifestyle. I never really realized how many have Castle Realm as a good link, but as I look through it, it’s hard to navigate, outdated in places and while I appreciate it as a memorial to a girl I’ll never know, it’s not great on different viewpoints. What is it about that particular website that makes it a good reference? Anything I can take into thoughts of upgrades for my own Iron Gate? I’m also changing Sensual Service. It’s not really gone on well as a forum style/community based website. I’m going to be changing things so that it is more resource oriented. Of course who knows when all this will occur and I’d love ideas for that site as well. Journal Prompts as done spectacularly.

Tomorrow is a munch and I’m hoping to see some people there. It’s a holiday, ya know, don’t know really if it will bring out people or keep them at home. Only time will tell. I really like having a munch group nearby, even if it means that I’m running it. Oh well. I enjoy the company of friends and the conversation that comes up.

Anyone else feel supremely bored when there is so much to do and not enough desire to do it? I’ve been battling that all day (along with web coding annoyance). I guess tomorrow I need to knuckle down and get things done.

–luna

Thankful

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Gratitude. I see it in Gratitude Tuesdays on blogs all over the web. I see it in cards and stories this time of year. Sadly, I rarely see it throughout the year; some reason it’s only now, when it’s “scheduled” or “planned”. I’ve been reflecting lately on what I’m grateful for and how I can express that throughout the year so that I don’t put off what is important to life for one special day.

I can make sure to say thank you whenever the occasion arises. Master is certainly trying to enforce that with me anyhow; please and thankyous are very important to my submission to him. He won’t have a unmannerly submissive and I am doing my best to make it more natural. My family was never very strong on manners and etiquette. Not surprising if you knew my family. I will endeavor to make manners important to me in the coming months so that I am showing my gratitude for even the small things.

I’d like to develop a different attitude towards all things; I’d like to stop being grumpy and worry wart when it comes to situations that are less than favorable. Perhaps if I can see the good in things that may seem bad that it won’t affect me so much. I’m thinking this would be good to implement when it comes to finances. I’m such a worry wart and we’ve made it by just fine for months now. I need to see the good things in life and not reflect on the difficult challenges.

I’d like to take my diet to the next level and be grateful for improvements and effort. I’d like to set up a rewards system for when I do well. I’ve fallen so far behind on what I was doing well like drinking all my water, eating balanced meals and stopping all food at 7:30 every night. They may seem like goals, but I can be grateful that I have the desire to loose weight and that I can do it; Master will be there and I will change. I’m grateful for the chance to change.

~~oo00oo~~

I posted a topic on my local group’s list about gratitude in this lifestyle. I asked people to share 5 things that they are grateful for in BDSM and talk a bit about why you are grateful for it. I’ve had a couple of responses so far, but I’d like to share mine here.

1. Communication. I’m grateful that this lifestyle promotes openness in relationships, community and events. Communication should be a part of everyday life, however we all know of someone that has kept secrets from their partners and friends, lived in a relationship where they were unhappy because the don’t talk about things with their partner, and lies being told all around when secrets are being kept. I’m so thankful that my relationship is full of communication and that this lifestyle promotes sharing and open discussion of anything and everything.

2. Toys. I’m thankful that the items we use during play are called toys, they bring us joy like childhood toys and they bring us pain and pleasure as adults. I’m thankful that we call what we do it in a play space. What other lifestyle promotes having fun with each other in this manner where you can be anyone, do anything and call it playing. The spirit of happiness and fun is fulfilling and wonderful for everyone.

3. Internet. I’m grateful for the internet for it brought me to the realization that what I was feeling years ago was normal and that there were kinky people all over that I could talk to and get to know. I’m thankful that there are wonderful knowledge based websites with information and viewpoints of varying degrees. I’m grateful for the chat rooms where I first began to explore and had my first collar/relationship as well as where I found Master; my love and world.

4. Acceptance. I’m very grateful that this lifestyle is accepting of all people and viewpoints. I’m happy that no matter what you look like, how kinky you are or who you are with isn’t looked upon as a reason to snub you. We welcome all to our groups and meeting places in hopes of creating unity and community.

5. Large events. I’m thankful that there are people and groups willing to organize regional/national events for BDSM folks to attend, learn and grow within themselves. While I’ve not been to an event yet; I hope to do so in the future and know that the experience there is not comparable to anything that I may learn here at home.

These are some of what I’m thankful for in this lifestyle. What are you thankful for?

–luna

Sugasm #55

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This Week’s Picks
To Tell or Not to Tell… (http://lipstickexplosion.com)
“Jane Falling claims it’s best not to tell, and she writes, ‘my identity as a prostitute is too serious a secret to trust with near-strangers.’”

Anti-Anti-Pornography, Part II (http://www.teen-porn-site.com/blog)
“One question I would like to ask them is – were there any rape or child abuse cases *before* the invention of pornography?”

To Shave or Not to Shave (http://www.model-chat.com)
“I stayed full bush for about my first two weeks as a live adult host.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Silence is better than bullshit (unless you’re a Gold-level member) (http://sugarbank.com)

Editors’ Choice
Pillow Talk: Interview with Razor Ryan (http://adelehaze.com)

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
50 Sexual Things About Me (http://dirtytalk.wordpress.com)
Fun With Futanari (http://shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)
I’m So Tired (http://hard-and-fast.blogspot.com)
Rediscovering the Secret to Great Sex (http://www.taratainton.com)

NSFW Pics (& videos)
Alison & Peachez (video) (http://hotboxbabe.thumblogger.com)
Chelsea (4) (video) (http://ipodteens.ilovejulienight.com)
Hotel Rendezvous (video) (http://myhotbox.blogspot.com)
Jennifer Kotwal (http://desibabes.blogspot.com)
Mistress Natali Demore (Awesome ass!) (video) (http://www.thebootcam.com)
Nora Marlo (http://eroticandy.blogspot.com)

Sex Work
A Soft Click (http://radicalvixen.com/blog)

Sex & Politics
RANT: Show Me The Pussy! (http://smutandsteff.com)

Erotic Writing and Experiences
Buttered Up (http://thebutterflytemptress.com)
A Cure for Kleptomania? (http://thediaryofanenglishrose.blogspot.com)
Down the Coast, Part II (http://www.betweensheets.net)
Flying Buttons (http://bikersballsandteacherstits.blogspot.com)
Frenetic (http://ambientstorm.blogspot.com)
A holiday to remember. (http://wanklog.blogspot.com)
A Little Bit of Madness (http://femmefataleteen.blogspot.com)
Mr Henry Recommends… (http://junohenry.wordpress.com)
Outdoor Sex (http://mandyseroticlife.blogspot.com)
Recipe for Suck Sex (http://dirtydetails.blogspot.com)
Saturday Night Fun a la The Wife (http://fourstate.blogspot.com)
Sharing her… (http://dirtylittlecockslut.blogspot.com)
Starfucker: My First Time Watching Sex (http://perverselypoly.blogspot.com)

Sexy Humor
5 Reasons Why Porn Made Sex Better (http://ylovesporn.com)

BDSM and Fetish
Correction (http://secretlifeofaman.blogspot.com)
Fiction or Not, You Tell Me? (http://psoprincess.blogspot.com)
He’s Got the Look (http://www.spankingwriters.com)
HNT: Have a nice day! (http://www.the-iron-gate.com/blog)
A Nawty Story: Kitten Comes Clean (http://anawtymouz.blogspot.com)
Retribution (http://nyc-urban-gypsy.blogspot.com)
Sadism and domestic violence (http://www.bondage-guide.net)

Sex Advice, News, Reviews & Interviews
Free Shipping for your Holiday Shopping! (http://www.tarasnaughtyshop.com)
An Herbivores Guide to Safe Sex (http://blog.babeland.com)
Pillow Talk: Interview with Razor Ryan (http://adelehaze.com)
Revolutionary Cybersex (http://www.1trackmind.com/blog)
Threesome Advice (part 1) (video) (http://www.seskuality.com)

HNT: Have a nice day!

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Flogging. It’s a play activity that I take to like a fish to water. I love the feeling of it, the pure sensation, the rhythm of the falls, the sound of leather or rubber against flesh. It’s so erotic to me and lets me relax and ease myself into that sweet space I love so much.

Master placed the cuffs on my wrists in preparation. He was gentle and yet reserved. I knew he was preparing for a good day as well. He has been practicing his swings and control over the floggers all week and I know he wants to get really good at it. I was anxious to feel the results of his practicing. Carefully he tied my wrist up to the eyebolts in our ceiling, making sure not to stretch my poor shoulder our of alignment.

He touched me, caressed my back and ass; warming me to the sensations of his touch. I was alight with sensation and anticipation. He spanked me, soft at first, they felt mild and gentle. Then harder, sharper almost biting into my virgin flesh. Virgin only because it was not warmed up yet, but he was to resolve that soon enough.

The first falls of the flogger were delicious, my nerves rewarded with a great feeling of relaxation in the pain the thudded into me, the beat that threatened to send me away from my body. It’s so quickly relaxing and freeing to reach that space of yourself that you are at peace. I closed my eyes to feel and absorb as much as I could.

The strikes were so steady and consistent. Nothing like they had been and I knew he really did practice hard, he had promised to excel at something and he wanted flogging to be that thing. I don’t doubt that he will be the best one day. He may even be giving demos on it in the future. I digress. My body welcomed the strikes, easing into the rhythm he played with my body, swatting my ass with it every so often, shaking me from the zone to remind me that he was there controlling my body.

The suede flogger he started with is always heavenly, but when he switched to the rubber one it was a whole new world. The sensation was something like little razors striking my body, the sting was way intense. I can tell by now that Master really is enjoying his new found comfort level with floggers and I’m reaping benefits myself.

He pauses to check my hands that are tied up and then reaches for the new wooden paddle. I have a love/hate relationship with this toy. It’s a sting toy, so for that I love it, but my goodness is it a massive sting. Just the gentlest swat and I’m singing it’s praises with my squirms and hisses. Definitely something I’d like to work up to harder swats of course. After a brief introduction of the paddle he transitioned back to floggers.

By the time he decided to let me out of my bonds I was feeling quite relaxed and hot. My back and ass were tender sore, my thighs were still stinging from that rubber whip. He proceeded to walk me over to the couch, bend me over and paddle me some more. Let me tell you I struggled and whined through those strikes but it wasn’t long before he was fucking me and then I was in heaven.

It couldn’t have been more than a few seconds really and he was out, ordering me to sit on the floor and face him. He shoved his prick in my mouth; now tasting of me and fucked me. Release came, I gagged on it (as usual) and looked up to him. I began registering just how sore my ass and back were, how loopy I was feeling.

He collapsed on the floor next to me and smiled. It was a good day. A very good day.

Now, I have never participated in HNT even all the while I’ve enjoyed everyone else’s contributions immensely, Master has allowed me to post my own this week to go with this story. So here it is, my very first HNT.

Continue reading →

Love for You

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Dated: 11-08-06

Dear Master,

The BDSM presentation went quite well today. I’m always so glad to have you there as my support and cheering section. Thank you for being up early and coming with me.

We always enjoy talking with B. and this morning was no exception. There is so much I learn and pick up from her. She said that we are more protocol oriented than others she knows. For me, I was surprised but joyfully though. I love the idea that protocol is evident in our lives and I know that as we get closer to our perfection protocol will be enhanced. I see us applying all sorts of structure and order in our relationship. It’s so exciting.

Along the same line of protocol I’m really looking forward to the new rules and routine. you have mentioned it a few times recently and I can only imagine what it will be like to accept the new life you are creating for us. It will be a hard pat but well worth it.

You revealed more of yourself to me today. Your thoughts about yourself and your progress as a dominant, my dominant. I guess I’ve been really busy working on myself to realize that you have worked hard on yourself to be better for me. I’m proud that you want to excel at things and you have gaols for yourself. I love the idea of you being an expert at flogging someday. It’s a great feeling and my soul grows bigger knowing that there are improvements on both ends.

You are finding your dominant soul and bringing it out more. It feels so good when I see it come out. My submissive heart wakes with your soul.

–luna

Care for an Adventure?

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“Care for a little side adventure, Master?” I asked on our way home from the munch.

It was dark and the ride was long. I had just purchased a red sexy nightie and it was driving Master wild the thought of me wearing it when we got home. He would grab my hand and place it in his lap at various instances along the route to remind me how hot he was. The idea I had took 3 exits to develop.

I pulled off the exit ramp and then back onto the on ramp going back to the highway. By now I’m sure he was confused until I slowed to a stop halfway on, pulled over and shut the lights out. I reached over and pulled the lever between his legs and slide the seat all the way back.

“Crank your chair down, Master so that you can lay down comfortably, please.”

As he made his adjustments I was already in his pants, freeing the hardness that he was teasing me with along the drive home. It didn’t take long before I was bobbing up and down on it, suckling his dick like it was a lollipop.

He moaned and groan, “Oh god, oh fuck” and all other sorts of explicatives as I sucked. I was deliriously happy to be pleasing him so spontaneously and he was getting the blow job of his life. Before long he was bursting and I was taking it all in.

I leaned back, cleaned him up with a cloth I always have in the car for fogged windows. Grinning at me and redressing himself he sat up.

“Oh baby, I love you so much.”

Interestingly, Master said that somehow made him even more horny and he wanted me so badly. I didn’t object. We drove home for wild hot life draining sex. It was a fun filled and wonderful night.

–luna

High Maintenance

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A number of blogs that I have read recently have mentioned or have delved into the thought that submissives are high maintenance, or that they themselves are high maintenance. What has me thinking is that 1. I am high maintenance and Master has said so 2. I don’t find that to be damaging or destructive to our relationship and 3. generally submissives are high maintenance because of their dependence on another and the mere structure of a D/s relationship.

Primarily my thoughts are on how you can define a submissive in “maintenance levels” and how long into a relationship is it revealed that someone is high maintenance. I guess I could be stepping on people’s toes with this topic, and while I generally don’t like to do that; it is my blog. I feel that without to many exceptions all submissives are high maintenance. It’s a part of what makes us need to submit, released from certain responsibility of care for their own person and other social tasks so that the Dominant may care for them. I feel that independence is somewhat connected to maintenance level of a person; the more independent you are the less high maintenance you will be in a relationship. Now, I consider myself extremely high maintenance. I am needy, clingy, quickly and steadfastly emotionally connected, I’m rather demanding of attention and crave affection. Master has never been unaware of this. He admits that I am high maintenance and while I know there are things he wishes I weren’t so extreme with but he wouldn’t go about trying to change me. He fell in love with who I am at the time we met, and the only changing that should occur is what the individual feels comfortable changing or what is agreed upon behavior modification. As far as revelations about the way a person is, it’s almost always early on that you would notice things that would lead you to believe they are high maintenance. The gentle nudges of attention fetching, the constant desire to be talked to, paid attention to, affection exchanged, so on and so on.

Now, is it the Dominant’s right to try to change the submissive’s maintenance level? How would one go about that? Is this something that when a Dominant commits to a submissive that they just wave off and decide to change immediately, accept the person as they are or pass them on for ‘training’? I don’t know. I’m not educated enough on the subject to really know that one. If anyone else has thoughts, I’m open.

Resulting in my thoughts I asked Master when he knew I was high maintenance. It was a rather quick response to say rather right from the start and that he wouldn’t change a lot of what makes me this way. I could tell he didn’t want to dive right into discussion; I tend to get sensitive when it comes to talking about me. Go figure.

I’m ready for another weekend of working on coding that I didn’t do this week. Master also has a flogging planned for tomorrow :) We might go to the munch if the weather cooperates. Right now it’s snowing. Our first snow. It just might stick. There are 2 inches on the ground I guess.

–luna

Letters to Master #11

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Dated 11-3-06

Dear Master,

Last night was really hard on me. I’ve been stressing about a lot of things lately and disappointing you yet again really hurt. I’ve got so many problems with giving you blowjobs; some of which I’m still realizing. My mind freezes when you ask me to suck your off. I have some hesitation that I won’t be pleasing, that I’m not turned on so I won’t enjoy it at all, to physical w retching from the taste of you. I have never liked the taste, I’ve not hidden that from you, and while I try so hard to get over it; I know it causes me to avoid blowjobs. You and I both know that when I’m in the mood I respond better to you request. Most of the time I am not turned on by just your request. I’ve always believed that blowjobs are a part of something more. It was never the main event and I’m still trying to get over that hurdle.

When you came and held me in your arms, when you listened to me, as I cried about disappointing you yet again I felt your strength and love for me. I could tell you were ready to show me who is in control and tell me “this is the way it is” and make me.

Through all I went through in my head last night I feel stronger and closer to you. Today you proved to me that you will always be with me. You laid with me while I napped, you paid attention to me when I didn’t feel well. Love radiated around me all day. I really do love you Master, so much.

After last night I need to realize that I may never be the submissive I dream of being. I also realize that my dream my not be what you are seeking in me. I know you can see progress and effort to improve, the desire to develop more fully the person I know I am, stripped and bare. I will be exposed and clear of my past. One day I will be easily molded instead of hard as steel. I’m changing and I will continue to change for you Master. I am yours… heart and soul.

–luna

A Thank You and a Poll

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I’d like to thank Mija for making me this beautiful template and being so patient with me when I was acting like a giddy schoolgirl. It’s absolutely beautiful and better than anything I can imagine. I’m sure I’ll get good use out of it ;) The angel image is from the BBW Pin-up Gallery of Les Toil . He does all sorts of large women art. I just had to use it for my blog as an opposite of the ideal woman.

I have my BDSM presentation at the University tomorrow and I feel so unprepared. I’m changing things again from the last 4 times I’ve done it. I think I’ve gone too far into detail and it scared people. This time I’m sticking to the outskirts, the importance of SSC and knowing the difference between BDSM and abuse and then touching on the numbers of people who are kinky; from mild to extreme. Hopefully there will be some interesting questions to help charge my thoughts. I just feel so lost at this, and I know it’s because I haven’t done preparation work. Master has noticed it too and can’t understand why I put it off to the last minute. I don’t know either.

I get to wear my corset tomorrow and look all pretty. I hope to have a picture taken, if so I will see if Master will let me post it. I can’t wait! I am still awaiting his decision on if I can wear a collar or not. As I am currently without his, he may not allow it.

So, on with a little poll…

  1. If you could learn more about me; either from my submissive perspective or just personal stuff, what would it be?
  2. If I were to fall off the blogosphere tomorrow, what would you miss the most about my blog?
  3. What one thing have you read recently from my blog that really surprised you or made you reflect on your own submission/Dominance?

Don’t be shy to answer, I’m curious to know!

–luna

Self Worth

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I’ve been battling with the question of self worth today. It’s caused me to depressed off and on all day long. Master can’t seem to understand why I have this thought in my head that if I’m not productive that I won’t be worth anything. I was raised that productivity pretty much decided if you were worth it, if you earned your weight, did your job well and were rewarded with a sense of accomplishment. I’ve asked Master what I’m going to be doing once I’m done with the coding project I’m working on. I won’t be doing more work by proxy through Master and I don’t have anyone else offering me coding work.

Another option was to get a second job. Master and I have been battling this one for months. He and I both feel that if I were to get a second job it would really affect our relationship poorly. I’d be constantly tired or cranky and not very submissive. While it would certainly help with our money concerns it would kill our relationship. I’m not willing to do that unless absolutely necessary.

My websites are a part of public service. They don’t make money and I don’t intend them too. I can continue to work on them and I’m sure I will but the feeling I have is that I won’t feel be productive, worth anything. I’ve been dreaming of coming up with an online venture that would net me some money, but I seriously doubt it, as most things require an investment before revenue is developed.

When I think about what my life is worth to Master it brings about another thought of the value of a slave. I read a pretty good essay on the topic called, ironically, “Value of a Slave” by Raven Shadowborne. He says all property has value for different reasons. The value of a slave

“also have the added areas of emotional attachment, interpersonal skills, compatibility, hobbies, intelligence and things such as these. The better people get along with one another, the more value they have to each other. The more areas of compatibility between people the more value they have to one another. The stronger the emotional tie between people also makes them more valuable to one another.”

To connect to Master as a submissive makes me so much more valuable as his then when I feel that I’m invaluable on my own. If I think about myself as a valuable person because Master’s need to have someone that he can connect with emotionally, mentally and physically. If I weren’t compatible with him then my value as his would be less. I’m valuable to him because I provide a service to him not only as a him as a love and submissive, but as a partner in life. We develop stronger attachment to each other each time we pay attention to the other.

I have had a confusion with my worth then. I have always been told that what I do productively is how I should rate my worth. I can understand Master’s sigh of disbelief when I’m almost crying because I don’t feel worth anything, when I feel that what I do around here isn’t enough to amount to more than survival. I’m more than that. Master proves it to me everyday. I’m worth all that I can to be who I am for him. He wants me; that is enough to prove my worth. Why do I still have problems with it?

–luna

Sexual Thinking

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Dated 10-30-06

Dear Master,

I did a lot of thinking today on my way to work. I thought about how much my life has changed since you entered my world. I believe it’s all for the good. I’m a better me.

I’m not as bossy as I once was. Now someday I hope I realize that bossiness is not a good trait to have an ditch it all together. I’m still needy and I think will never change, however how I go about letting you know what I need may have changed a bit. I’m more open to you about things I am thinking and feeling. I’ve never been so open before.

Whatever sexual urges I may have had can now be expressed without embarrassment or shame. You know so much about me and how I function that sometimes it feels you know me better than I do. I’m beginning to accept your pleasure as more important than mine. It’s been a very hard road but I can cay that progress has been made and more is to follow.

I’m feeling more submissive now more often. There is just part of me that wants to serve you all the time. Now to get it to speak up more often.

I really hope this routine you plan to implement increases my awareness of myself submissively, physically, sexually and emotionally; I want to continue to improve on every level.

I want to show you that I’m committed to you and that I’m the perfect partner. I want you to be proud to be with me and I want my submission to you to shine around others. Let them see how wonderful we can be together.

Most importantly I want you to be able to enjoy my presence in private, to receive your every whim without pause and to know that we have a deep understanding that goes beyond our roles.

I love you my Master. Forever.

–luna

Just Routine

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A routine is another step towards the life that I see myself in as your submissive. I crave structure and order and while I’m terrible at doing this for myself, I feel that I can do it for you. I will extend myself to following a routine to please you and improve myself. I want to make myself perfect for you.

As far as what I would like within my routine; there are several ideas. They have different intentions for my growth and improvement for you and I have strong feelings over some of them.

First, I’d like to see house chores on the list. I don’t care for the house as well as I’d like and it shows in the kitchen and bathroom most times. I am disgusted by my inability to “find” time to clean. I think that if cleaning was put on a routine it would help me. I’d prefer to keep my amount of daily cleaning to one hour or under, just for the sake of having other things in my routine to occupy my time as well. I would like, further down the road a weekly more detailed list and a monthly list as well. I guess a lot like the Flylady I currently have put aside. I feel that timespan to do home chores should be a little flexible, as things happen. I want to be given the ability to do them, but if there is no time, due to other constraints, it doesn’t bring about punishment unless the reason they are not done is invalid. Only you can decide if it is an excuse rather than a valid reason. The benefits of house chores are a clean house of course, but also a definition of how you would like your submissive to keep the house. If you require that the house be spotless I feel that it would reflect in the amount/ severity of the chores on the list.

Secondly, I’d like a bedtime routine. It could be as simple as reading before bed for a half hour, to a bathing ritual of bath, shave, preen and clean. I think that this may help me get more fulfilling rest and also improve my appearance and behavior around you. I’ve always felt recharged after caring for myself and I’ve gotten so far out of the habit of doing that, that I have let myself down and you as well. I think that this should be a pretty strict assignment, that no matter what time it is when I prepare for bed, that I must do my bedtime routine and pending decision on how late it is; whether I should be in trouble for waiting so late. Now if we are out on the town or something late, I would hope that you would take that into account and allow me to bathe but not carry any repercussions of our tardiness. Generally I see me having time to do this nightly.

Lastly, I’d like some sort of submissive routine. Something that reminds me of my position. I’m not very creative with this one, but I’ve read blogs where submissives have had to do some form of training, be it butt plug (which I know you’d like) to bondage, corset training to positions. Just something to reaffirm my role everyday, couple of times a week, whatever and also to enhance our relationship together. I feel that this part of the routine should be the most strict, that it should be done with your presence without fail (unless you decide not to have it happen). I think that a ‘no’ in for this routine at any time is punishable. I believe that I will have a hard time at adjusting to this one, but feel it necessary for my mindset to reaffirm my role.

Hopefully my ideas have helped you to figure out what you would like to see from me as far as a routine as well. It is going to be a challenge for both of us to get started and then keep going. We both seem to get sidetracked so easily. I hope that I can make you proud one day and successfully learn and follow a routine.

Hold me down and teach me a lesson

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I’m waiting for a new blog template. The precious and talented Mija is making me one all special. I’m giddy with excitement! When I get it I will change my blog immediately and then I doubt I will change it for a long while to come. She told me it should be done soon :)

Other than that I’ve been really cranky mostly because it’s that time of the month and it’s really bad. I’d like to just crawl back into bed and sleep through it, but then how would work get done and chores. I’ve snapped at Master more than once which has gotten me a scolding, cold shoulder and it could get worse if I don’t watch myself. I know I’m being inappropriate; it’s not stopping me. God I need to work on watching my attitude. I’m going to hate it if he punishes me.

Speaking of punishment I’ve got a punishment coming. On Fridays I go visit my college friends for lunch. I look forward to this every week. Every week I park in the lots and take chances that my car won’t get ticketed. It got ticketed last week. I forgot to tell Master immediately and when I did tell him, you should have seen the storm clouds in his eyes. The ticket is for $7. I normally spend $5 for lunch each Friday so my punishment is that for the next 2 Fridays I can not buy lunch. Now I’m thinking I’m going to be starving when I get home, serves me right. Hopefully I will remember to at least bring a Slim Fast shake or something to help me and stay on my diet at the same time. *sigh*

I’ve been listing my old CDs and DVDs on Amazon Marketplace recently and have done quite well selling them. I’m hoping to get enough to get some repairs done on my car soon. I need about $100 for the first bit of maintenance I want done. I’m over half way there with just 4 days into sales of things. Yay! I’m sure it will slow down but I have plenty left to sell as well. Master likes that I’m simplifying our clutter too. We have too much of it, so getting rid of what we don’t use will help us immensely.

The dieting submissives group, Taking It Off I’m in had a drawing today and I won! I now am the proud owner of a leather bound photo album (well actually it’s a gift for Master) and a couple D/s books of which I don’t know what they are yet…. I’m pretty happy. Thank you starla!

–luna

Days like this…

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There have always been times I wished I could stay in bed and not do anything for the day. Today is one of those days. I’m cranky, bloated, cramping…

So I’m posting another Letter to Master. If you haven’t been following, I write hand written letters to Master on days that I don’t post here. If they are okay to share, he lets me share them. I hope you enjoy this very intimate side of our relationship.

Dated: 10-27-06

Dear Master,

I have a writing assignment due tomorrow and while it looks like I haven’t done anything on it, I’ve been putting a lot of thought into it because it will affect my life completely. Whatever you decide as a part of my rules and schedule will change how I do/don’t do things now. It’s kinda a scary thought. I hope my writing assignment is good for you.

I’m sorry for complaining so much about my diet struggles. I don’t mean to be annoying and I know I have others for support in this. Now, I also realize that if I don’t eat right or exercise every single day that I will not loose weight. It’s my issue.

I’m feeling different Master. I feel more peaceful. I feel a bit more aware of you and your needs. I’m not quite sure how to get me furter into my role, but I’m willing to try anything. This restructuring of my rules and routine may do that.

–luna