October 2006

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Letters to Master #10

Dated: 10-21-06

Dear Master,

I am your little slut today. I am glad that I woke you this morning caressing your member and loved what followed when you fingered me to oblivion. I knew then that I wanted more today. It did honestly take me a bit to ask you to use me whenever you wanted. I look forward to being able to open myself up to more days like this.

I feel that I’m making progress in the right direction. I feel closer to that part of myself that is at peace, wanting to serve you and ready for whatever you may have for me. I hope you feel so too.

You have brought up that you are ready to bring more rules, a routine for me and stronger structure. I hope I’m ready. I’m nervous. I’ve worked so hard to get here that maybe I’m setting myself up for failure. I don’t want to let you down. I’m sure I worry about that more than you do.


Letters to Master #9

Dated 10-18-06

Dear Master,

I’ve been in a mood. This mood hasn’t been out for awhile and I’ve honestly been trying to surpress it. I want to be your slut. I want to be tied and used over and over. The reason I am trying to hold it back is purely physical. My shoulder is killing me today and it’s so frustrating.

I’m working hard to get back to loosing weight. I ‘ve challenged a few buddies and joined other challenges as well, in the hope that it will motivate me. I’ve done well to start this week. I like the DVD we got, so I’m going to hang on to it for awhile. I’m still hoping to get below 300 by the end of the year with a weight of 292.

I’m sorry I have stagnated in my efforts to return to submission. I’m not going to offer up any excuses. I think I’m getting too comfortable again and I need to push myself. I need to be more strict with myself and train my mind to be more aware of things. I really do want to earn your collar. I just want to be worthy of you. I wll not give up.


Suck It In

Master is disappointed in me. After 2 years of wanting a corset and drooling over them and aching for them, I have worn my new corset 3 times in a month. I still love to see it sitting there, waiting to be tied in place and the ensuing pleasure across his face when I walk around in it. He feels that I should be wearing it more if I wanted it that badly and I have been wondering just what it would be like to go through 2/3 time corset training. It is still something I want to do. I love the feel of the leather hugging my skin and the way it makes him smile and ache for me. In that I feel sexy.

I’m heavy, quite heavy and even though I know I am, I hate looking into mirrors because they portray me as what I am and not what my mind’s eye sees me as. I perceive myself as smaller than I really am, so any time I get a glimpse it’s a shock and I’m almost repulsed by it. I put on the corset for the first time and it wasn’t the beauty I was seeing, it was the amount of flesh that was hanging out, the flaps under my arms that I wish would just go away and the feeling that I was just so big. Now all this is most likely in my head and I’ve lived with this perception all my life, which may be why I let myself gain so much weight. The number never really bothered me, it was how I saw myself that mattered.

Facing the fact that I am large and that the corset still looks good on me is a hard one. Hard mostly because my thoughts still dwell on that image in the mirror; no matter how fleeting and how it made me feel. Master said that he wishes he could return it. He says it’s a waste of money if I don’t wear it. It hurts to hear that and I’d love to wear it. I can’t explain why I feel the way I do. I know I can put it on over and over again for his pleasure and perhaps at first that has to be enough. To make Master happy is my very ultimate goal. So I will do it. I will show him that I love him and thrive on his happiness. His eyes will reflect what I should feel about the corset and I know that after awhile that will be enough for me to long to wear it more often.

It may sound really odd that this might work. I know others out there are thinking that my body image is an internal mechanism but I know that it can be affected by those on the outside. I grew up that way. Ridicule and joked about, name-calling and pranks; all because I was larger than they were. My body image has to be recreated and while I’ve been ignoring it mostly I feel that I am ready to give it a try.

I asked Master for part of my pending routine to have a bedtime ritual in it of bathing and body care. I feel it’s important for me to begin solidifying that my body is worth caring for, that there are things I can do to make me feel more beautiful for him and finally for myself. I’m really hoping this new routine has things in it to remind me how important it is for me to care for the person he loves the most. Me.


Birthday Spanking

I promised a little story about my birthday spanking. I had been looking forward to this and I had a new toy that Master wanted to try on my bum. In the Dieting submissive’s group I’m in, Taking-It-Off I won a wood paddle personalized to my liking. I was really excited because we have not had a paddle before. The paddle was made by the folks at BDSMGear. It’s lovely. Here’s a picture of it!! Yes Master had my name put on it *winks* I think it’s lovely.
So the spanking was going to be somewhat just a ceremonial thing for my birthday. I asked Master that since we didn’t know what to expect for sting factor that we just test it out. I laid down on the bed, as I knew that would be most comfortable for me. I was nervous, it had been awhile since we played and while I am a sting fan, I didn’t know how this was going to feel on my poor butt. Master instructed me to count; which is odd, he’s never had me do that before, and I prepared.

The first one was just a tap, but my goodness I knew I was in for it if he was going to put any force behind it because immediately my butt stung and felt tingly. It was nice and startling at the same time. The next few were just as gentle. He alternated from one cheek to the other so that my entire butt could get even redness. Yeah right, that’s why. The middle spanks got more intense as I counted in between squirms… 10….11….12. I was in a wonderful spot, and I know Master was enjoying his new toy for his favorite toy. I imagine that this one could bring me to that special place inside if I let it.
Oh my did 12 sting. I remember that number well because I basically had to force out 13 I was still holding my breath from the sting of the previous one. Now I may be a pussy right now with pain, but I’m known for handling decent amounts. Nothing like kaya_s has, but still I’m fun to beat. :) The next few grew in intensity. I don’t know if it was from the tenderness my flesh was beginning to feel, or that he was putting more force behind them. All I knew was that if we were going to play with this toy in heavy scenes I wanted to be warmed up first. Yes this is on my to do list, I want to see how hard I can take it before I’m trembling with endorphines, teeth chattering, giggling mass of flesh in Master’s hand.
All I can say is wow, the last 8 or so were tremendously sting-y. It was incredible and while my ass burned a little, there were no residual marks. (Something to shoot for in the future.) I have to thank starla at BDSMGear and Taking it Off for making me really happy on my birthday… and to think I have a leather slapper from them on its way as well! More fun to come… yes, more fun indeed!

Another Year Older

Master gave me a beautiful card today for my birthday. I wanted to share it here.


Happy Birthday to the one

I fall in love with over and over again…

I fall in love with your laugh

which is better than music

for brightening my mood,

with your frown

when you’re trying to figure me out,

with the touch of your hand

and the softness of your lips…

I fall in love with you

whenever you say

something smart and funny

and every time you do something kind and generous,

which means I’m always falling in love with you.

I love watching you sleep.

I love seeing your smiles

across the table.

I love those evenings when we come home

and you’re at the center

of everything that’s important to me,

right where my heart is.


And on your birthday,

I hope you can feel that love

and know it will be yours…

forever — Emily Larkin

Master is so wonderful to me. There was a birthday spanking today as well, which I will share another time. I’m off to bed shortly.


Submissive Qualities

I am submissive. I have qualities in my person and my behavior that lead me to this conclusion. As a part of my essay here, I will discuss my qualities as they are now, how I’d like them enhanced in the development and training I hope to go through. After that I want to talk about how I see my submissive self in the future. This task is thus two-fold.

First, I know I have qualities that Master points out to me as my submissive traits. I’ve never really given them much thought so I had to really think about what they are and why they might be considered as such. Master says I want to please him. My willingness to please him is a huge submissive trait that I hope to enhance, mature and grow as I do in this role. I feel good about myself and my relationship with Master when I do make him happy, and let me tell you I feel horrible when I have disappointed him. This trait I believe to be the core of who I am within submission and when this quality is enhanced, improved and matured I think that a lot of the other things will be as well.

Another quality that I feel is a part of my submission is my honesty. I’m honest to a fault. I don’t know how to be tactful. This honesty can be a boon when in Master’s presence and asked about my feelings, concerns or issues. I can be completely honest with him. I can not lie to him. If I have done something wrong he will inevitably find out. I just can’t keep secrets from him. I am honest with him because it would not please him, thus referring back to the first trait, the core of who I am. I would like to work on my honesty so that I can be polite at the same time, and learn just when enough said is enough.

Moving on, a quality I believe is submissive is that I have a need for someone else to control things in my life, to make choices for me and to govern actions and behavior. I want someone to mold me, hold me and care about who I am as a person. I desire to know what it is that makes them happy and become that more than anything. I want to take what I already have and pour heart and soul into that. I long for rules and structure even though I struggle to follow the ones I have.

I cling to the idea of symbols and rituals as a beautiful form of expression. I long for more symbols in my life to hold me to the goal of being the best submissive I can be. This desire creeps into everyday living and strengthens when I’m feeling that I’ve made Master happy. This is a part of my submission I wish was enhanced more.

Finally, a quality that I believe helps me to be the submissive I currently am is that I can step back and see how things would affect my Master or how my actions will or will not appeal to him. Reflecting on what he would wish and then doing that is an important part of who I am and I would like to make sure my Master can receive all that I am and have no desires left unattended.

Now, in the future, after the D/s has begun to take more shape and is strengthened by our training and changes towards who we both are together, my only goal as to who I want to be for Master is everything that is appealing to him. I want to be healthy, active, loving and attentive. I want his life to be fulfilling because I am in it. I hope to be the one he comes to when he is stressed or desires love and attention. I want him to be able to rely on me to get things done as he wishes them and to know what he may desire and act on my own for his needs. I don’t have solid goals for the future because it is shaped by how things occur now and how life governs us. I only wish to make him happy and in return I am happy.

Birth Month Facts

- Pick your birth month

- Strike out anything that doesn’t apply to you.

- Bold the five-ten that best apply to you.

- Copy to your own journal, with all twelve months under an lj-cut

I was born in…

Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

Read the rest of this entry »

Letters to Master #8

Dated: 10-15-06

Dear Master,

Ya know, today is my brother’s birthday. This is the brother I don’t really talk about but he is 29 today. Last I heard he was in prison for some type of assault. It’s not surprising. I’ve not seen him since I was 16.

I like to think that I turned out the best from my siblings. I don’t know if that is selfish or vain of me. I just feel that there is less negative news about me bouncing around the gossip train.

On to news I konw exists, my journal for you will be two years old this December and while I haven’t gone back to read any of the old posts, I know that our lives together are chronicled there. I hope that its an honest telling of our story.

You know I’m not feeling so hot today and I love you so much for not pushing sex on to me and for respecting my boundaries. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. God I hope so.

Anal sex yesterday was so nice. Its been awhile for it and honestly I had been thinking about it for some time. I know you have wanted to get more anal training by way of butt plug wear. I have been nervous. Not quite sure why. Maybe more because we just can’t seem to keep the darn thing in. I’m thinking we may need to fork out a bit of money for a jeweled one like I’ve seen that has a really narrow neck an egg shaped plug. Set us back like $80.

Again, I’m nervous about money. We never seem to have extra around here. It’s crazy. Why is it always a struggle?


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