September 2006

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Kinky Head Space

To be in the mood or not in the mood, that’s quite a challenging question. I have been pondering all week just how to get me in the mood to play when it seems apparent that I’m not in my kinky head space. Anything could make me not interested in play, whether it’s work, stress, house duties or a number of other things. I’ve never really considered it an issue until this essay.

A lot of the time, my mood isn’t all that is required to play. For that matter, I have to be willing to be intimate at all. The situation with getting me in the mood for intimacy works the same way as it would getting me in the mood for play. I’m going to try to cover what I find as necessary for a mood change in me from one that is uninterested in sexual or play activities to one that might be willing to engage in a bit of either or both. The reason I say might, is that while I am the one coming up with these ideas, they will not be fail proof and there will be times that I just can’t get in the mood.

First suggestion I will call warm-up. Give me more than a hint that you would like play. Express thoughts you’ve been having, whisper naughty things in my ear or leave toys out for me to find. The reason behind this is that if you begin to get me thinking about what it is you want to do, I’ll be more able to entertain it, and my mood may change faster. It’s a bit of mind manipulation. You want (fill in the blank with activity) so you are going to talk about it, hint it and share those things with me until I can do nothing but think about it myself. Warm me up to it.

Second idea I’ll name touch and go. A lot like the first, only it’s intention is to leave me wanting more. If you want to spank me, slip on by and give me a swat. Look at me deeply or playfully and try to pass on the idea that the spanking is just a taste of what I could get if I would just allow myself to feel for it. If bondage is on the menu, come up and grab my wrists and kiss me demandingly. Let me taste just a bit of what I could have and then allow me to stew once you have me smoldering. Touch me, and then leave the thought.

This idea is different than the petting and public displays of affection (PDA) that you are currently keen on in one way. In PDA it’s a part of casual attention. We could be walking the discount store and you will grab and squeeze my ass. This does not leave a smoldering mark on me. However, if you pull me aside, turn me to look at you and squeeze my breast, while maintaining deep eye contact, which could certainly touch me the right way. Then leave that thought with me.

Last thought is foreplay. If you want something, I realize the idea is just to take it. But you can’t roast a turkey without turning the oven on! If I don’t appear in the mood, begin with the basics of cuddling, touching, kissing, petting. Talk dirty to me and tell me what you want. Don’t leave it up to me to guess! Even the best trained submissives still like to not rely on their mind-reading skills. As I’ve read in a popular quote, “Submissives like to be told what to do; slaves like to do what they are told.” Talk to me, show me your interest and then don’t give up. Tell me what to do, then encourage me to do it.

Even with all these ideas, it could just happen that I am not in the right headspace and can not join yours. I don’t mean for this to be a long term thing, just that as I am not able to be at your beck and call all the time, I can not be turned on all the time. I will do my best to be who you want me to be within the boundaries of who I am. Kinky head space is possible to achieve with me when I’m not appearing in the mood. It just requires a bit of work, and most of all patience on your part. The sweetest gift is the one worth waiting for.

Letters to Master #4

Dated 9-20-06

Dear Master,

This has been a very hard week. I don’t feel I’m living up to your expectations. I don’t feel like I’m working hard enough to fix the things that are wrong with me.

Blowjobs. Yes they are hard for me. They have always been that way. I have always thought of them as a tit for tat activity, one that leads to other things, an opening act, so to speak. Swallowing will remain a soft limit until I can get over the taste and texture.

Housework: I’m a horrible housekeeper. We are constantly in a state of chaos and I don’t feel I’m getting enough help. I work too, and am expected to maintain the house. It just doesn’t feel balanced.

My lack of submission: I feel it stems from your lack of trust in me. I can see you don’t trust me, that you are constantly ready to be let down and disappointed. It’s easy for me to live up to that. You haven’t set the bar very high.

It’s not that I don’t listen to you. I know you aren’t a mind reader. I also know you keep track of sexual things better than I do. Since I don’t masturbate I couldn’t tell you the last time I had an orgasm, but I sure do miss my daily dose.

Thank you for the corset Master. It reminds me that I am a woman and that I can be beautiful. I really do love it.

–luna

PS: Adult Blog Hub has placed my blog in their Pick of the Day today. I am honored and proud to be considered.

Mushroom Cloud

It happened yet again. I can’t even remember all of the heated discussion however I can remember the spark that set it all off.

Wednesday I asked Master to help me with a bit of code that I didn’t know how to do. I had gone online and someone had offered their script for it but I just wanted to learn for myself how to do it so I declined his offer and went to Master. Now, I ask Master a lot about coding. He gets really tired that I always resort to his knowledge instead of going off on my own and finding the answer. I have tried in the past to not as him as much but there are things that I know he knows how to do and I do love to see his face when I pick up on it and it’s because of him. This time wasn’t like that. He started explaining, throwing in math and logical methods of coding that just lost me. I don’t know if it was because I truly didn’t understand, or that he went so fast, I just can’t figure that out right now. I looked at him with that ‘I haven’t the foggiest clue what you are talking about’ face and he got aggravated. He told me I should have just accepted the offered script because now he was going to have to write it for me and take time from his work to do that. Boy did I feel like an ass, but I also felt something else. This is the somthing that stuck with me. I felt that he thought I wasn’t smart enough to get it eventually. That I might as well forget learning it because it’s beyond my capabilities. It was not his intention, but that’s what I picked up from him on it. It ate at me.

So, yesterday morning before leaving for work, I took what I had been able to absorb from his explanation the night before and attempted a bit of code to see if I could get it to work. And I accomplished it. When I left I felt good, knowing that it was doing what it needed to do and that I could come home and show Master that I’m not stupid.

And here is where I went wrong. I showed him last afternoon and he said that it functioned but this and this weren’t correct and that good coding practice is to do it this way. The words out of his mouth were almost like acid rain on my parade. I had to ask him if I was even on the right track, that I had done this myself and all I wanted was a happy Master; proud that his little girl had gotten it, even only mostly. But no. I snapped. I told him how I felt that with coding he makes me feel stupid, like I shouldn’t be doing it and yet every time I do something I get better and better at it, have to ask him less and he has to worry about my accomplishing a task less and less.

Now this lead to a huge, gigantic argu-discussion about my submission (don’t ask me how the tangent formed, I can’t recall I was hurt) about his insulted feeling (I was saying some really cruel things) and about how I keep feeling that I will never live up to the submissive nature that he wants.

Have I given up he asks? No, not really but every day I screw up, forget to be polite… okay not polite but use please and thank you, because you can be polite and not say please every single time. That’s not what Master wants though, he wants the p’s and q’s all the time. I’m scared that he will give up waiting for me to make it to where he wants me. No where in my thought process yesterday was there a monumental realization that came to me today:

If I make progress that is as good as making it to the top of the hill.

He will notice my progress and my desire to get to that place he wishes. He says I have the raw materials to get me there and that I’m not trying to become someone I can not be. I just have to convince myself that I can make it.

So while the mushroom cloud descends to smother me I have try to rise above it. I have to prove to myself that this is what I want, that he is who I want to please and that this whole thing I my life’s breath. I just gotta believe in myself. So no, I’ve not given up; I just feel like I’m drowning. He said that I need to be submissive for me first, not him. I’m still trying to digest that because I just can’t see being submissive without someone to submit to. How can you submit to yourself? What is it he really means?

–luna

Letters to Master #3

Dated 9-18-06

Dear Master,

Today you asked me to service you. You have yet to define what that means because all of what I do for you is supposed to be service. Does anything I think you might be pleased with considered servicing you? Does it have to be sexual service?

Sex is quite a stumbling block for me. I think I might know part of the reason why. I see my sexual service to you as separate to my submission. I realize that they should be one in the same, but the perception I get from you feels like it is different. My sexuality is not on the same level as my submission. I am to be proper and polite and decent, however I’m to be a voracious slut as well.

You seem disappointed in me when I listen to you and obey when you say you aren’t in the mood, but you really wanted me to step out of my submissive role and actively pursue you. I guess I’m getting mixed up in my mental mindset of how I should act and when.

–luna

(This was written a while ago, but rereading it sure helps me recenter.)

It’s always hard to figure out who you are as a person, I can’t say that I know everything there is to know about myself, but I am willing to give it a try to at least let you see who I think I am.

As a woman, I know I am exceptionally sexual, I find most bodies to be beautiful, and even though I know I don’t have a lot of self confidence, I do know that my body is beautiful to a lot of people, and I respect that. One day I will love it as such. I am very vocal about thoughts, opinions and things that probably should remain silent as well. I do not know what is proper for some arenas and what should be censored. I find this gets me in trouble quite a bit. I find a lot of things sexually pleasing that would count me as a nympho, oversexed, and demanding.

I am high maintenance. I require a lot of attention all the time, affection being the big attention I need. However I find that small things that show me someone is thinking of me gets me feeling good to. I like to be adored and cherished and shown off. I like to have a reason to dress up and go out, be the center of attention and I revel in that. I like makeup, even if I haven’t gotten into the habit of wearing it all the time, I enjoy going to the hair salon to get my hair done. I like to have my nails well cared for. I like to have foods available that are a bit more expensive when I can. This makes me high maintenance and most of the time, hard to live with.

As a submissive…

I love to make someone happy, I love to rain gifts of affection and trinkets on someone. I do small things of love, which have normally gone overlooked. I like to see a smile on someone’s face for something that I have done to please them. I feel the need for someone else to control most of my life choices, to help me be exactly who I know is in there, and not the lazy person I have become. I am demanding, of attention and so much more. I am stubborn. I am a brat and smart ass. I do not hide these things. But when someone has my love and affection, I will do my best to curb these things, with discipline of course. I think I need a firm hand, even though I will fight it at first. I will barter, and whine… complaining is a pastime for me. I’m rough and wild, both in the bedroom and out. I do have a sensual side, and know how to treat a man softly with love and caring. I’m crafty and always have my mind going as to what I can make. I tend to waste a lot of money that way. I am terrible with my finances. I love animals and care for them as I believe I would children (if I didn’t have to deal with the constant annoyance of children). I love romance, but am not sure if I am a romantic. I believe in true love. I love to feel, sensation and tactile things are awesome for me. I cherish small things. I love symbols= wedding rings, wedding dresses, red roses, wildflowers, collars, the BDSM symbol, anything that declares something if only for me and one other to know.

This is who I believe I am.

I’ve been reading a new blog that is a branch off of another I’ve come to love reading. The training of His slut is the beginning of a new life for good girl… she is training to be a lifestyle submissive. This has brought me to more thinking about how my training down the road may be. Master has expressed a desire to have more of a formal training once I get the basics down and we become comfortable with that. I’m eager for what would be symbols and ritual that I long for with all my heart.

The Letters to Master that have started to be posted here are handwritten journal entries for Master. He feels they are more personal and better insight into who I am. He has given me permission to post them so I intend to put them here too, if not only so that I don’t loose them. He has requested that every other journal entry that I write; I’m required every other day, be a handwritten one just for him. I will still try to post here as often as everyone is used to. ;)

Master noted today that my please and thank you’s are okay but could be better. My use of Master’s title needs a lot more work. I’m not exercising like I should in accordance to my diet and I still ache at night when I reach up to my neck and know the symbol of our relationship, the love that was poured into that little collar is not there. I know the relationship hasn’t gone and I know the love is still there; but for some reason the pain of having to do this all over again still hurts.

Our anniversary is next Saturday. We had hoped to do something special, but it looks like it may be a dinner out or a nice dinner at home. Thankfully, if all goes well, my period will start soon and I won’t have to deal with that. I don’t know what Master may have in store for that day, but I have a feeling it will be fun, pleasurable for at least one of us *wink* and hmm, maybe nekkid.

–luna

Letters to Master #2

Dated 9-17-06

Dear Master,

I’m slowly learning a lot about myself and the trigger for my current mood. I strongly believe it stems from my punishment and my disregard for my own self. When I scratched myself I can remember thinking that I wanted to hurt and make you hurt also. I abandoned who I was and became a shell. During my month long punishment, I think it began to fill with anger and uncertainty that this life was for me. I didn’t want to let it go because of my love for you. It may not appear that I’ve learned anything from that, but I know now that I can be no one if I am not your submissive.

It’s been a heard few days, and I know it’s just the tip of the iceberg for me. I have so much to work through yet. I’m grateful you are there to help me, my rock and protector, always.

–luna

Thinking about how hard it is for me to find out why I changed so suddenly. I know that I hold my guilt a lot longer than most people do. I may have been forgiven for something but I don’t forgive myself as easily. I felt so guilty about my issue this summer that I don’t think I’m fully okay with it myself. I have to be okay with punishment that Master gives out and as soon as I’m forgiven I need to let it go. When Master says he has forgiven me I need that to be the last I think of it, I am absolved. I get so hung up on not being good though that I can’t get past what I did and work on improvement.

While I try to work at being a better me I have to get in touch with the me that can let things go, not stress so much about things, errors and don’t sweat the small stuff basically. That’s going to be a huge thing for me. Baby steps though, right? I took a baby step today towards that end. Master inadvertently kept me awake last night while he read in bed, and instead of carrying the grudge all day (although I kept it up for about an hour after getting up at 3:30am) I let it go as soon as I got to work, and didn’t bring it up to drive it home with him. Now I want to work more on letting things go. Releasing the stress so that I can function at the best of myself.

Now on to work (hah, stress). My coding job’s client as asked me to work harder, and he’s willing to give me a bonus if I do. I don’t know if I can make his deadline, but I’m going to try. It’s a huge site, as I’ve said. My out of home job is getting interesting as well. I’m finding myself really busy everyday but enjoying every minute of it.

Positive things… I did not hesitate twice when asked to give Master a blowjob. It’s quite an achievement to me. I hope I can improve on that. I want to be able to offer them and not hope for things in return. Right now I am hoping for something in return for doing that for him. I want to make him happy.

–luna

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