Monthly Archives: September 2006

Kinky Head Space

Posted on by
1

To be in the mood or not in the mood, that’s quite a challenging question. I have been pondering all week just how to get me in the mood to play when it seems apparent that I’m not in my kinky head space. Anything could make me not interested in play, whether it’s work, stress, house duties or a number of other things. I’ve never really considered it an issue until this essay.

A lot of the time, my mood isn’t all that is required to play. For that matter, I have to be willing to be intimate at all. The situation with getting me in the mood for intimacy works the same way as it would getting me in the mood for play. I’m going to try to cover what I find as necessary for a mood change in me from one that is uninterested in sexual or play activities to one that might be willing to engage in a bit of either or both. The reason I say might, is that while I am the one coming up with these ideas, they will not be fail proof and there will be times that I just can’t get in the mood.

First suggestion I will call warm-up. Give me more than a hint that you would like play. Express thoughts you’ve been having, whisper naughty things in my ear or leave toys out for me to find. The reason behind this is that if you begin to get me thinking about what it is you want to do, I’ll be more able to entertain it, and my mood may change faster. It’s a bit of mind manipulation. You want (fill in the blank with activity) so you are going to talk about it, hint it and share those things with me until I can do nothing but think about it myself. Warm me up to it.

Second idea I’ll name touch and go. A lot like the first, only it’s intention is to leave me wanting more. If you want to spank me, slip on by and give me a swat. Look at me deeply or playfully and try to pass on the idea that the spanking is just a taste of what I could get if I would just allow myself to feel for it. If bondage is on the menu, come up and grab my wrists and kiss me demandingly. Let me taste just a bit of what I could have and then allow me to stew once you have me smoldering. Touch me, and then leave the thought.

This idea is different than the petting and public displays of affection (PDA) that you are currently keen on in one way. In PDA it’s a part of casual attention. We could be walking the discount store and you will grab and squeeze my ass. This does not leave a smoldering mark on me. However, if you pull me aside, turn me to look at you and squeeze my breast, while maintaining deep eye contact, which could certainly touch me the right way. Then leave that thought with me.

Last thought is foreplay. If you want something, I realize the idea is just to take it. But you can’t roast a turkey without turning the oven on! If I don’t appear in the mood, begin with the basics of cuddling, touching, kissing, petting. Talk dirty to me and tell me what you want. Don’t leave it up to me to guess! Even the best trained submissives still like to not rely on their mind-reading skills. As I’ve read in a popular quote, “Submissives like to be told what to do; slaves like to do what they are told.” Talk to me, show me your interest and then don’t give up. Tell me what to do, then encourage me to do it.

Even with all these ideas, it could just happen that I am not in the right headspace and can not join yours. I don’t mean for this to be a long term thing, just that as I am not able to be at your beck and call all the time, I can not be turned on all the time. I will do my best to be who you want me to be within the boundaries of who I am. Kinky head space is possible to achieve with me when I’m not appearing in the mood. It just requires a bit of work, and most of all patience on your part. The sweetest gift is the one worth waiting for.

Letters to Master #4

Posted on by
Reply

Dated 9-20-06

Dear Master,

This has been a very hard week. I don’t feel I’m living up to your expectations. I don’t feel like I’m working hard enough to fix the things that are wrong with me.

Blowjobs. Yes they are hard for me. They have always been that way. I have always thought of them as a tit for tat activity, one that leads to other things, an opening act, so to speak. Swallowing will remain a soft limit until I can get over the taste and texture.

Housework: I’m a horrible housekeeper. We are constantly in a state of chaos and I don’t feel I’m getting enough help. I work too, and am expected to maintain the house. It just doesn’t feel balanced.

My lack of submission: I feel it stems from your lack of trust in me. I can see you don’t trust me, that you are constantly ready to be let down and disappointed. It’s easy for me to live up to that. You haven’t set the bar very high.

It’s not that I don’t listen to you. I know you aren’t a mind reader. I also know you keep track of sexual things better than I do. Since I don’t masturbate I couldn’t tell you the last time I had an orgasm, but I sure do miss my daily dose.

Thank you for the corset Master. It reminds me that I am a woman and that I can be beautiful. I really do love it.

–luna

PS: Adult Blog Hub has placed my blog in their Pick of the Day today. I am honored and proud to be considered.

Mushroom Cloud

Posted on by
2

It happened yet again. I can’t even remember all of the heated discussion however I can remember the spark that set it all off.

Wednesday I asked Master to help me with a bit of code that I didn’t know how to do. I had gone online and someone had offered their script for it but I just wanted to learn for myself how to do it so I declined his offer and went to Master. Now, I ask Master a lot about coding. He gets really tired that I always resort to his knowledge instead of going off on my own and finding the answer. I have tried in the past to not as him as much but there are things that I know he knows how to do and I do love to see his face when I pick up on it and it’s because of him. This time wasn’t like that. He started explaining, throwing in math and logical methods of coding that just lost me. I don’t know if it was because I truly didn’t understand, or that he went so fast, I just can’t figure that out right now. I looked at him with that ‘I haven’t the foggiest clue what you are talking about’ face and he got aggravated. He told me I should have just accepted the offered script because now he was going to have to write it for me and take time from his work to do that. Boy did I feel like an ass, but I also felt something else. This is the somthing that stuck with me. I felt that he thought I wasn’t smart enough to get it eventually. That I might as well forget learning it because it’s beyond my capabilities. It was not his intention, but that’s what I picked up from him on it. It ate at me.

So, yesterday morning before leaving for work, I took what I had been able to absorb from his explanation the night before and attempted a bit of code to see if I could get it to work. And I accomplished it. When I left I felt good, knowing that it was doing what it needed to do and that I could come home and show Master that I’m not stupid.

And here is where I went wrong. I showed him last afternoon and he said that it functioned but this and this weren’t correct and that good coding practice is to do it this way. The words out of his mouth were almost like acid rain on my parade. I had to ask him if I was even on the right track, that I had done this myself and all I wanted was a happy Master; proud that his little girl had gotten it, even only mostly. But no. I snapped. I told him how I felt that with coding he makes me feel stupid, like I shouldn’t be doing it and yet every time I do something I get better and better at it, have to ask him less and he has to worry about my accomplishing a task less and less.

Now this lead to a huge, gigantic argu-discussion about my submission (don’t ask me how the tangent formed, I can’t recall I was hurt) about his insulted feeling (I was saying some really cruel things) and about how I keep feeling that I will never live up to the submissive nature that he wants.

Have I given up he asks? No, not really but every day I screw up, forget to be polite… okay not polite but use please and thank you, because you can be polite and not say please every single time. That’s not what Master wants though, he wants the p’s and q’s all the time. I’m scared that he will give up waiting for me to make it to where he wants me. No where in my thought process yesterday was there a monumental realization that came to me today:

If I make progress that is as good as making it to the top of the hill.

He will notice my progress and my desire to get to that place he wishes. He says I have the raw materials to get me there and that I’m not trying to become someone I can not be. I just have to convince myself that I can make it.

So while the mushroom cloud descends to smother me I have try to rise above it. I have to prove to myself that this is what I want, that he is who I want to please and that this whole thing I my life’s breath. I just gotta believe in myself. So no, I’ve not given up; I just feel like I’m drowning. He said that I need to be submissive for me first, not him. I’m still trying to digest that because I just can’t see being submissive without someone to submit to. How can you submit to yourself? What is it he really means?

–luna

Letters to Master #3

Posted on by
2

Dated 9-18-06

Dear Master,

Today you asked me to service you. You have yet to define what that means because all of what I do for you is supposed to be service. Does anything I think you might be pleased with considered servicing you? Does it have to be sexual service?

Sex is quite a stumbling block for me. I think I might know part of the reason why. I see my sexual service to you as separate to my submission. I realize that they should be one in the same, but the perception I get from you feels like it is different. My sexuality is not on the same level as my submission. I am to be proper and polite and decent, however I’m to be a voracious slut as well.

You seem disappointed in me when I listen to you and obey when you say you aren’t in the mood, but you really wanted me to step out of my submissive role and actively pursue you. I guess I’m getting mixed up in my mental mindset of how I should act and when.

–luna

Defining Myself Submissive

Posted on by
1

(This was written a while ago, but rereading it sure helps me recenter.)

It’s always hard to figure out who you are as a person, I can’t say that I know everything there is to know about myself, but I am willing to give it a try to at least let you see who I think I am.

As a woman, I know I am exceptionally sexual, I find most bodies to be beautiful, and even though I know I don’t have a lot of self confidence, I do know that my body is beautiful to a lot of people, and I respect that. One day I will love it as such. I am very vocal about thoughts, opinions and things that probably should remain silent as well. I do not know what is proper for some arenas and what should be censored. I find this gets me in trouble quite a bit. I find a lot of things sexually pleasing that would count me as a nympho, oversexed, and demanding.

I am high maintenance. I require a lot of attention all the time, affection being the big attention I need. However I find that small things that show me someone is thinking of me gets me feeling good to. I like to be adored and cherished and shown off. I like to have a reason to dress up and go out, be the center of attention and I revel in that. I like makeup, even if I haven’t gotten into the habit of wearing it all the time, I enjoy going to the hair salon to get my hair done. I like to have my nails well cared for. I like to have foods available that are a bit more expensive when I can. This makes me high maintenance and most of the time, hard to live with.

As a submissive…

I love to make someone happy, I love to rain gifts of affection and trinkets on someone. I do small things of love, which have normally gone overlooked. I like to see a smile on someone’s face for something that I have done to please them. I feel the need for someone else to control most of my life choices, to help me be exactly who I know is in there, and not the lazy person I have become. I am demanding, of attention and so much more. I am stubborn. I am a brat and smart ass. I do not hide these things. But when someone has my love and affection, I will do my best to curb these things, with discipline of course. I think I need a firm hand, even though I will fight it at first. I will barter, and whine… complaining is a pastime for me. I’m rough and wild, both in the bedroom and out. I do have a sensual side, and know how to treat a man softly with love and caring. I’m crafty and always have my mind going as to what I can make. I tend to waste a lot of money that way. I am terrible with my finances. I love animals and care for them as I believe I would children (if I didn’t have to deal with the constant annoyance of children). I love romance, but am not sure if I am a romantic. I believe in true love. I love to feel, sensation and tactile things are awesome for me. I cherish small things. I love symbols= wedding rings, wedding dresses, red roses, wildflowers, collars, the BDSM symbol, anything that declares something if only for me and one other to know.

This is who I believe I am.

Thinking about Future Training

Posted on by
1

I’ve been reading a new blog that is a branch off of another I’ve come to love reading. The training of His slut is the beginning of a new life for good girl… she is training to be a lifestyle submissive. This has brought me to more thinking about how my training down the road may be. Master has expressed a desire to have more of a formal training once I get the basics down and we become comfortable with that. I’m eager for what would be symbols and ritual that I long for with all my heart.

The Letters to Master that have started to be posted here are handwritten journal entries for Master. He feels they are more personal and better insight into who I am. He has given me permission to post them so I intend to put them here too, if not only so that I don’t loose them. He has requested that every other journal entry that I write; I’m required every other day, be a handwritten one just for him. I will still try to post here as often as everyone is used to. ;)

Master noted today that my please and thank you’s are okay but could be better. My use of Master’s title needs a lot more work. I’m not exercising like I should in accordance to my diet and I still ache at night when I reach up to my neck and know the symbol of our relationship, the love that was poured into that little collar is not there. I know the relationship hasn’t gone and I know the love is still there; but for some reason the pain of having to do this all over again still hurts.

Our anniversary is next Saturday. We had hoped to do something special, but it looks like it may be a dinner out or a nice dinner at home. Thankfully, if all goes well, my period will start soon and I won’t have to deal with that. I don’t know what Master may have in store for that day, but I have a feeling it will be fun, pleasurable for at least one of us *wink* and hmm, maybe nekkid.

–luna

Letters to Master #2

Posted on by
Reply

Dated 9-17-06

Dear Master,

I’m slowly learning a lot about myself and the trigger for my current mood. I strongly believe it stems from my punishment and my disregard for my own self. When I scratched myself I can remember thinking that I wanted to hurt and make you hurt also. I abandoned who I was and became a shell. During my month long punishment, I think it began to fill with anger and uncertainty that this life was for me. I didn’t want to let it go because of my love for you. It may not appear that I’ve learned anything from that, but I know now that I can be no one if I am not your submissive.

It’s been a heard few days, and I know it’s just the tip of the iceberg for me. I have so much to work through yet. I’m grateful you are there to help me, my rock and protector, always.

–luna

A Step Towards a Better Me

Posted on by
Reply

Thinking about how hard it is for me to find out why I changed so suddenly. I know that I hold my guilt a lot longer than most people do. I may have been forgiven for something but I don’t forgive myself as easily. I felt so guilty about my issue this summer that I don’t think I’m fully okay with it myself. I have to be okay with punishment that Master gives out and as soon as I’m forgiven I need to let it go. When Master says he has forgiven me I need that to be the last I think of it, I am absolved. I get so hung up on not being good though that I can’t get past what I did and work on improvement.

While I try to work at being a better me I have to get in touch with the me that can let things go, not stress so much about things, errors and don’t sweat the small stuff basically. That’s going to be a huge thing for me. Baby steps though, right? I took a baby step today towards that end. Master inadvertently kept me awake last night while he read in bed, and instead of carrying the grudge all day (although I kept it up for about an hour after getting up at 3:30am) I let it go as soon as I got to work, and didn’t bring it up to drive it home with him. Now I want to work more on letting things go. Releasing the stress so that I can function at the best of myself.

Now on to work (hah, stress). My coding job’s client as asked me to work harder, and he’s willing to give me a bonus if I do. I don’t know if I can make his deadline, but I’m going to try. It’s a huge site, as I’ve said. My out of home job is getting interesting as well. I’m finding myself really busy everyday but enjoying every minute of it.

Positive things… I did not hesitate twice when asked to give Master a blowjob. It’s quite an achievement to me. I hope I can improve on that. I want to be able to offer them and not hope for things in return. Right now I am hoping for something in return for doing that for him. I want to make him happy.

–luna

Letters to Master #1

Posted on by
Reply

Dated: 9-14-06

Dear Master,

I’ve gone to writing in a paper journal so that I can try to be more open and honest and so that I don’t try to write for an audience. This is just for you.

I’m still just shocked about last night. I honestly felt that you were ending things. When you cried with me as I lay in bed helped me realize that you weren’t giving up. I haven’t give up either.

The day this all changed had to be when I was punished for a month. I think a lot of my current feelings and befavior comes from that. I’ve not been myself. A few things happened during that time that perhaps may shed light on all this.

First, you lost all trust in me. You have said so yourself. From that I learn that respect for me is also minimal. I have yet to earn a shred of this back. I know it everytime you pounce when someone IM’s me. You stopped expecting me to respect you. I began to question why I place all my trust in you, if I get none in return.

This questioning grew. I felt it creep into every part of my life. I’m not sure of myself. I second guess myself all the time. Am I sure you aren’t going to be disappointed? Are you going to watch me constantly? Should I even do “” ? What will you think?

I feel that a submissive shouldn’t second guess themselves. They should be confident and know what pleases their partner and do it. But with you, I don’t know anymore. I’m always wondering if I’m doing the right thing, enough, too much… I just don’t know.

I’ll start with the rules, as I know these are things you want from me. But what more? How can I be sure that what I do is what you want? Why is it so unclear? It used to be so much easier.

–luna

Miss Me?

Posted on by
3

So, ten days after I took a hiatus, I’m back. I think. I’ve been writing personal blog posts to Master on paper. He’s actually liked them because they are more personal. I agree. I write just for him then. This whole blog should be just for him. I should be writing like I do on paper right here. I need to remember my focus.

The reason for my disappearance is still a shock to me. Master removed my collar. He had every reason to do it, and I agree with his decision; even though I ache for it back with every fiber of my being. He said that I have not been very submissive since my punishment ended in July. He said that if there is no submissive there can be no D/s, and in essence the collar that symbolizes that bond between Dominant and submissive does not exist. I can earn it back, but it’s going to require a lot of work on my part. I have to get to the root and then correct myself.

Master has begun to give me assignments due weekly. I’ve done 2 of them so far, and this week is a free week. These he has given me permission to share on my blog so I know at some point soon I will be posting them and the future ones. They are hard essays for me, personal in nature and I hope they are helping him see how I think and feel.

I have received my first corset. I know before I left I talked about getting one. I have a picture to share with you guys. Let me know what you think. At full cinch it reduces my waist 3 inches. I think it’s a decent starter corset. I just have to get used to sitting in it; standing is fine.

So, back to my loss of collar… I’m terrified that I won’t get it back, or that I will just not get there in time. There’s no timeframe but I still feel the countdown above my head. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to do it. I just know I have to do it.

–luna

Sunday Play Part 2

Posted on by
Reply

I know you didn’t expect me to post since I said I was taking a break. Don’t get too excited. I don’t plan to be gone long, but I’m not back yet. This blog is still technically on hiatus, but Master insisted that I finish my story about our play on Sunday, so here it is…. If you need to read part one yet, it’s here.

My tightly bound breasts were turning red and aching, the stinging rubber flogger/crop was torturing my breasts. Master’s smile told me he was having a great time. I pitched and squirmed as the stinging pain zapped my tits, little red bloodspots began forming, and turning darker and I was feeling a warm tingly sensation all over.

Master stopped and untied me; keeping contact with my body he undid my bound breasts and directed me down onto the cushion on the floor in front of the couch. “Down, kneel,” and I did. My big round ass was up for him to spank; one of his favorite activities. We have this new plastic flat backed brush that he began warming my butt with. I was lost in my feelings, the sting shocking and then warming between swats.

The fits of squirming were part involuntary but I have to admit I do enjoy wiggling in front of him. He didn’t appreciate my tease much however, and frequently spanked a little harder and scowled at my moving. He cooed that my ass was nice and red and I was certain that was the case as it was hot and tingly. I sure love spankings.

Master changed gears once more and had me sit on the sofa, my legs spread wide. He pulled out some new little clips we got from a certain National Book Store. He placed almost all of them on my pussy lips and inside of my thighs. That wasn’t going to be all though as he again picked up the rubber flogger/crop and began tapping my clip filled pussy. Intense pain began to build as he increased his swats, the clips tugging and pulling at my flesh with each stinging impact. I wriggled and squirmed, for which I was fiercely directed to place my hands above my head and not move them. More and more he went, only one clip gave way but I hoped and prayed that more would release their pinching.

No luck. He stopped and began the slow task of taking the clips off. My goodness it was painful and I wanted to have him stop or go faster, I couldn’t decide. It was delicious. We cuddled and relaxed for a bit while I came down from my floaty feeling. I felt so loved and secure, so cared for. Master just held me.

“You were so good slut. What a good girl.” And I believed him; I truly knew that he saw in me the power that he holds on me.

He asked for a blowjob as a thank you for play and I said yes. I was in any mood that I’d do anything he asked for. I kneeled once again in front of his cock and took him into my mouth. The following blowjob is foggy but I really enjoyed myself and I know Master did too. It felt right, and as his cum coated my breasts I need he was sated. We relaxed just a bit more and then I went to clean up and he picked up the toys.

That wasn’t to be the end of our playtime however. After dinner and relaxation, Master started touching me again, telling me he’d love anal sex and I didn’t say no. We crawled back into bed together, playing with each other. He brought me to orgasm twice and fucked me while playing with my asshole. Master worked my ass, stretching me for him. When I was ready he pressed his dick into me. It was good and dirty all at the same time. I always feel like a slut when Master takes my ass. Mmmm.

We collapsed in exhaustion and curled up to each other. One fulfilling day, exhausting and wonderful.

Sunday Play Part 1

Posted on by
3

We had been talking about this day for over a week. Master wanted to schedule time to play. I was more than eager to play as well. I woke up this morning in the right mood as well. BONUS! I took a bath. Last night we got some special preview bath wash from Bath and Body Works. It’s called Pecan Passion. It’s so yummy smelling. And ya know, Master isn’t into floral scents really. What he loves is when I smell like sweets. Anyway, I bathe and smell all good for him. Put on my new panties that I got on mega clearance yesterday (I love them!)

I then put my plan into action. I slipped into the bedroom and pulled all the covers off of Master and leaned into him, hoping the smell of my new body wash would wake him. I kissed his cheek and he opened his eyes, groggily smiling at me and then reaching to touch me. That’s when he woke up. I straddled him and pressed my body along his, teasing him and kissing him. He loved looking at me all dolled up and smelling yummy. I wasn’t going to let him down either. We teased for a bit and then he took me. It was powerful, I was so hot for him and I know he was feeling it too. He held my hands down and fucked me really hard. He went slow and teased my insides with his cock. It makes me tremble and moan. He smiled at me and claimed me. His come coated my insides and I sighed in happiness. That was to be the beginning of a very wonderful day.

Later that same morning, I told Master I thought I was in my slut mode and that he should take advantage of that whenever he could. He did so immediately by asking for a blowjob. Inside I didn’t even balk at it. It was odd. I did have to get down to business though and while I know that I’m still having issues with blowjobs I feel I enjoyed this one quite a bit. I know with all the sounds he was making that he was too. He came all over my exposed breasts. Just lovely!

Then I played miss molly homemaker and baked some cinnamon rolls (the canned type) and made his coffee. I think my panties, which hadn’t been taken off, really got him going as I bent over the oven and he came up from behind, grabbed my breasts and pushed me into the living room against the sofa. He quickly pulled my panties down and took me again, spanking my ass nicely in-between thrusts. It was delicious. All I could do was enjoy the ride and surely I did!

Now on a normal day, three orgasms are plenty for Master. He is beaming and happy and I’m a good slut for making him that way. Today was different. We still planned on playing later on and he seemed lusty for me. Not that it’s any different than he is with me any other day, just appeared moreso.

Amazingly the play was the best part by far. It has been a long while since we had been able to scene so heavily. Master started by switching my collar to my play collar. Then I stood under our eye bolts that are in the ceiling. It’s been a long time since we used them. My arms were cuffed and strung up to the bolts so that they were at 90 degree angles. Mater clipped my nipples and then bound my breasts tightly with rope. I loved the feeling of the restriction. He pulled the ropes up over the one tied to my arms and braided it into my hair. Mmmm.

The slapping, cropping and pain began. It was delicious, warm, comforting, sharp, intense all rolled into one. Master and I have a toy that is very stingy and lovely to those that like that sort of thing. It’s got a crop handle and a rubber flogger on the end. Master loves it too.

Mmmm

Posted on by
1

Master and I had a wonderful time yesterday with a friend of ours that we haven’t seen in near a year or more. We always learn from her even in casual conversation and it’s great getting to talk and be yourself around her. We talked about lifestyle things, the group we are all members off and it’s current situation, personal growth and relationships. Master and I both agree that this friendship is very beneficial, not only friend-wise, but knowledge-wise. She has more years on us in this lifestyle and experience with many different things. I truely do appreciate all that she shares and that she considers us friends.

Master and I also did some shopping. We finally got him a new computer desk so that he can be more productive with his programming. (although I think it was also so that he looked good while doing it ;) ) He’s very happy about it, and while we didn’t return home from visiting with our friend until near midnight, he stayed up and put it together and set it in place. I don’t doubt that he took a picture of it as well. He’s that proud of it. I hope it’s everything he needs it to be.

If feels so much better to be able to breathe when it comes to money. While I know we spent a ton of money yesterday, I also know more is near coming so my stress level is quite lower than normal and I’m looking forward to the next time we have available spending money. I get a corset! I’ve been looking at a few of them from my favorite e-bay store. Here are the one I love. Let me know what you think!

–luna

Looking Up

Posted on by
2

Things are really looking up here. We are both working really hard the next few months, but at least there will be money to spare by the end of it. I will finally be able to get my divorce. Master will be able to get a better performance PC, and the bills will be paid up. Other than the mountain of work we have to scale, things couldn’t look better.

Our sex life slowly improves, I am growing more secure sexually and I hope that I will be able to open up to Master more in the near future. I really hate that I’m the reason our sex lives aren’t as fullfilling as they could be. I can’t even explain why I am this way. I don’t think I have always been this way. I really can’t say. I woke up yesterday at 3:30am, when Master was coming to bed and for the first time in a long while, felt horny. I mean the tingling twinge between my legs and the ache, the hunger, all of it. Before now, it always took me a bit to get into sex before I wanted it. I hope this is a sign of good things to come. The 3 orgasms weren’t bad either ;)

I’m really feeling a release, and I know that things will follow, like rules, a clean house, submissive behavior, happiness and security. I do hope that my diet follows suit. I’d really like to jump start it again. It’s currently a loosing battle to get to my End of Year goal of another 25 lbs. I’d be happy with any right now, I’m so very close to being under 300, it’s teasing me. I want it so badly I can taste it.

Positive things for this week include: feeling horny after such a long time of just being available, taking on a huge project that Master is confident I will complete and the desire to get back into a routine of diet and soon exercise so that I can begin to change physically.

Overall, things are looking good.

–luna

Nerve

Posted on by
Reply

I have a huge coding project on my plate now, the largest I have ever done. It’s a gaming community site, with a profile/blogging system like myspace. Ugh. I will be learning a lot by the time I get this one done. At least when I am done with it I can say that I have learned and become more confident in myself. Master holds so much confidence in me, I don’t know why I can’t gleen any off of him. He also has a lot of work added to his already full plate today. One good thing will come out of this, we will be caught up on bills. Bad things will be however, no time for each other, overworked, underfed and stressed to the max probably for the next 2 months or more.

We are going out to dinner tonight to celebrate the incoming jobs, and to prepare for the arduous task of coding for hours on end. I’m sure by now that I have adjusted to the workload at my out of house job, and I know that Master will help me with what I need to when I get to the difficult portions.

Needless to say that I feel a great weight lifted off of me and I hope that a happier me will result in this. Paying bills is always stressful for me and while I’ve said before that freelancing is hard to be comfortable with becuase sometimes it can be months without jobs and then it pours $$ from heaven, but hell of work. I’m so scared to do this job, but I know that I can do it, even if it means struggling with new things and hard to integrate 3rd party products.

The confidence in myself…. that’s an issue that I don’t think will be resolved easily. It’s a lot like patience, either you have it or you don’t. Learning it is like rewiring. You have to take out the old wires before you put in the new ones. I’ve been successful academically my entire life, in that area I am confident I can acheive whatever I put my mind to, however I know that in personal life I am as insecure as child. I’m constantly looking for reassurance and approval. I’m afraid to try anything without feedback first and I have to *know* I can do something before I even try to do it. I don’t even know how to work on something like that.

–luna

A Mental Revision

Posted on by
1

As Master and pepe’s angel so kindly pointed out, I seem to concentrate on the negative things in life and not the posititve. It’s not always been that way. I think it has a lot to do with my depressive state at the moment. I do know I have to change my thinking to improve things, to see things continue in a progressive manner instead of returning to the beginning.

I’m up again this morning with goals in mind and an attitude that I hope continues for when Master is up. I hope I can remember all of my rules and at least look like I care about them. Master said that it is very hard to enforce rules when I am constantly not looking happy. He said that it would just make it worse for me if I was constantly being reminded of what I wasn’t doing when in this state of emotional absence. I truely am feeling down. I can give you a list of things that bring me to tears, that make me feel defeated and helpless, and yet I know there is nothing I can do to resolve any of them; why do I obsess over things I can not change?

He’s right though, I need to be happy to work on my rules and please my Master. I can not be submissive if I am not happy with myself; I shut down. Master also said last night that he thinks I still don’t feel submissive, I don’t think I am submissive, so I can’t accept myself as I am. I’m still keeping those darned defensive walls up, not letting anything in, not letting anything out, just existing. I feel deep inside that I will be truely at peace if I accept my submission as who I am, that this is the life I was meant to live. I am also terrified of letting down my guard and being hurt beyond repair, that even though I’ve told myself 100 times that Master is the best thing that has come into my life, that I could let him in fully, I still hesitate when it comes to D/s. He has my heart, he has my body (most of the time), but my submissive soul is still being protected and I am afraid to let it go.

There are times when it peeks out though, Master doesn’t know it because I haven’t yet acted on these times. Joy once told me, “If you feel like kneeling and kissing his feet, just do it. Don’t think about it, just do it.” I think that inside when these moments come but I have yet to do them, I just repeat over and over, ‘just do it luna, it will bring your peace and Master happiness, just go do it’. And I don’t. I don’t know why. I don’t know why.

I think this whole negative thing needs to change, and I need to make it a point to concentrate on a positive thing every time I write a negative thing in this blog. I guess it will be sort of self training myself to think of positive things. I know Master would appreciate seeing a sunnier luna and I know that I need to feel better, I’m as low as you can go.

Let’s start now. Here’s a positive thing that happened to me last week. The company I work in (not for, I’m an outsourced worker) sent an email to my boss letting him know how good of a worker I am and how pleased they are with my response to issues and concise explanations to users when I resolve problems. This pleased my boss very much as I’ve only been installed in this job and this company for just over 6 weeks. I felt so good to hear that he was happy and that I was doing well.

–luna

Disappointment

Posted on by
Reply

This is a neverending tale. I am a continuous disappointment in myself and my Master. I do have positive things in my life, but they seem so few and far between that I’m beginning to think that I’m not worth all this. Sometimes I wake up in the morning with all these intentions, hopes for improvement and willingness to suceed. Then by mid-day these fade into nothingness and I am no longer trying, no longer working towards the hopes of the morning. I promised Master that I owed him something for being a sweetheart and stopping to see some of the high school football game that was going on last night, and I haven’t done anything to show my appreciation for it. I’m on my period and while I know I can not get any sexual pleasure I haven’t done anything for him either. He’s shown his aggrivation and I’ve done nothing. What in the world is wrong with me?

I really need to find it within myself to see the positive, to set my goals and actually acheive them.

–luna

PS: Edit: After I posted this Master so graciously pointed out that this post was longer than most of my usual ones. That I usually only write two lines, and only rarely write more. Again, I disappoint.