August 2006

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Discussing my diet

Master and I have been discussing my diet lately. Well, it’s more like I’ve been discussing it with him. You see that this summer I’ve plateaued and been stuck just above 300 for 4 months now. It’s very agrivating and I’d like to get going again. I know that most of it is loss of interest, desire, and strength to continue. I’ve stopped caring what I eat, how much I eat and if I exercise. I’ve not eaten very healthily for a long while and my care for myself has declined. Master does not wish to have my diet under his control, and it’s something I’d rather be in charge of myself as well, but I’ve asked him that if I haven’t improved in a month if he’d be willing to do little things like control my portions. We shall see if he will need to do that. I have this next month to work on myself.

I’ve been depressed and depressing lately. I worry all the time, as I’ve written before and I can’t seem to keep these thoughts out of my daily life so that I can enjoy the moments that come. I know this is not only hindering my diet and healthy, but our relationship as well. I feel that my anxiety and depression are causing me to stop submitting, and not following my rules that I know exist and those I’d like to work up to. It’s like going back to square one too many times. I need to be on the ball, I need to develop the discipline to acheive what I strive for. My goal is out there, I just have to get to it.

I appreciate my Master’s strength in living through my downs. He has been my rock in all this. I look up to him as the ruler of my all, my love and commander. He owns parts of me I never thought I had given him. Subconciously I feel a connection with him that I never thought I’d feel. He is beginning to become my reason. My reason for anything I do, all that I am and all I can become. It’s hard to believe sometimes that we will be celebrating 2 years in October. Two precious and wonderful years. Full of struggle and growth, full of love and commitment, challenge and defeats. We’ve gotten closer, more complete, nearer to who we truely are with each other. I’m eternally grateful for him in my life.


I'm here

Holy cow it’s been a long time since I wrote in here. It’s not all my fault. I forgot to post the 29th, so I had every intention of posting yesterday when Master did something to the webserver and it was down all evening. Now that it’s back I’m getting my butt back up here so that I don’t get my butt in a more uncomfortable position. Master is disappointed that I’ve been forgetting to write in here, and honestly I really don’t feel like I have a lot to say lately.

I’m working daily, and the afternoons is a nap, and tv or coding. I’m a pretty boring person at the moment. I’m working hard on getting back into my diet and exercise, although failing miserably at the exercise portion. I’ve got about an hour and a half left for the week to meet my goal. Ugh.

Well, I have to work shortly, so I’m going to have to finish this later.


Greed: Medium
Gluttony: Medium
Wrath: Medium
Sloth: Medium
Envy: Very Low
Lust: High
Pride: Medium

The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on

Bad Bad Girl

I’ve been a very bad girl lately. It’s really inexcusable; as everything is with me lately. I’ve been disappointing, both to myself and to my love and Master. First, if you notice the date of this blog, I am quite late posting, as my rules state it is supposed to be every other day. It honestly slipped my mind, so I can be sure that Master will find a way to not let it slip my mind in the future. A lot of things have slipped my mind lately. Calling him Master, being polite and respectful and all things sexual. They’ve just …. well there is no excuse except my laziness. I know I will have to pay the consequences, maybe today, maybe tomorrow. I await his judgment. My diet has hit a brick wall, I’ve lost no weight since May, I’ve not been eating right or exercising nearly enough. Master and I are going to sit down and write out the goals I want to have and we are going to figure out how to get them to reality.

Master is aggravated for yet again I am hesitating when it comes to blowjobs. This time the procrastination has lasted near a week. I can’t explain it well but I know part of it is that I feel a blowjob isn’t the ‘opening act’ or the ‘only act’ but more like the act before the ‘main event’. I just can’t get myself in the mood to do it when that is the first thing or only thing. I just get a bit offended when we are sitting watching tv or something and he says “I want a blowjob.” A part of me just snaps shut and freezes cold. It just doesn’t seem like the natural flow of things. I get grumpy, throw on my “do I have to face” and just hope that it goes away. Boy does that piss him off. Instead of punishment though he sighs and stews in his own anger and disappointment for hours. During these hours I begin to hate the thought of the blowjob even more because I know he’s going to demand it again. I never used to detest blowjobs, I only hate blowjobs out of context (if that makes sense). He’s gone about 4 days since he asked for his blowjob. He got a wimpy one on that day and I know he wants a full fledged, I’m really into it myself blowjob (cause he enjoys it more) but I just can’t bring myself to do it cold. I need some warm up, lead in, petting, kissing, loving… then ask me for your darn blowjob.

I realize this reads like topping from the bottom, and if that is what I’m doing then Master can treat it accordingly, however I still don’t see me giving blowjobs without any lead in AND have Master enjoy them. They will always be the wimpy “I have to” type. It’s just how it clicks in my head. He’s at his wits end, he’s disappointed and angry and I don’t know how to act around him when he’s like that.

Not to mention it’s been a good 10 days since I had an orgasm myself and the thought of anything sexual is aggravating and I’m almost disinterested. I even flinch if he fiddles with my clit during sex in this state, like I don’t want him to touch me because I’m ‘off’. I get that way when it’s been awhile, kind of like an on off switch. Orgasms keep me in ‘on’ state, but after awhile I’m just ‘off’ and it’s hard to get me back to ‘on’. In off state I feel sex will never happen and live accordingly. Very anti-affectionate, distant and non sensual. I really don’t know why this is, I have just noticed this has been my reaction.

How do others do it? How do they give over their masturbation (or in my case, involuntarily) and orgasms and then still are sexual beings? Is it that their owners give them more pleasure to keep them hungry or are they forced to go about life dry dry dry and still show an animalistic draw to sex? I’d really like to know others situations and how you handle yourself.


Mental Masturbation

Mmmmm. God that feels good.

*sigh**wiggle wiggle**squirm*

Oh yeah. *groan*

MMMmm. *squishy slippery sound*


Oh god yes, yes yes…


Not as satisfying but all I can do at the moment… or at all. *sigh*


Hard Work Revisit

So about 2 weeks ago I had an epiphany with the help of kaya’s wise words. Submission is hard work. The fact that I had constantly thought that Master wasn’t dominant enough turned the tables to I wasn’t submissive enough. I admit that it’s not a natural thing in me, and while many that may read this then equate that to me not being a submissive, I’d like to say something in defense of all those that are not natural submissives. I WANT to be submissive, I crave it, thrive better when I am submissive and do submit. I grow and respond best when under the care of a dominant person. This makes me submissive. This desire, this need, the burning ache in myself. I am just a different submissive than the natural-tendency folks.

On that end, I have to say that I do come up with a lot of excuses for my habits of slipping out of my submissive state. That’s exactly what they are:

“I was first-born in my family, first-borns always have dominant personalities.”

“I was verbally and physically abused and degraded as a child, I’m defensive.”

“I’ve had a bad day at work/school/life, I don’t feel like being submissive.”

“I’m PMS’ing, don’t mess with me, leave me alone.”

and my all time used one,

“I forgot, I’m sorry, I’ll try harder.”

In all honesty, I never forget, I’m constantly thinking about how Master sees me and how he would be best happier and in control if I could just learn to submit to those basic rules that he laid out. He’s done his part. I asked for rules to follow. I need to step up to the plate with my “first-born attitude” and prove to him that I can follow them.

Needless to say, since Aug 7th when my shock and awe happened, I have successfully followed only half of those rules; the ones I always followed. My speech training ones have fallen by the wayside, my behavior ones are weak and while I am aware of the sexual training, I still don’t perform to the best of my abilities.

I’m not a failure. Failure is something I don’t take well to. I struggle and fight hard to get where I need/want to be. I don’t give up easily at things I feel are worth it (I do give up on the simple things quite easily… not sure how that is). I can’t let Master down, I have to work.

Reading back this seems like a pep talk for myself, and maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I’m honest in this blog if not blaringly so. I currently suck at being Master’s submissive. He adores me and treasures me and shows me everyday that I am worth it for him, why can’t I do the same back? Why can’t I follow the simple rules I ASKED FOR and show him he’s worth it too? Nothing I’m aware of is holding me back, maybe it’s time for some self-inflicted discipline. Maybe some TV denial, or computer denial, extra exercise (ugh) or something. I don’t know.

I’m worth it; he’s proven it to me. Now I need to do the same.



Since I started my job 4 weeks ago Master says I’ve changed. I’m not responsive during the week, I’m not interested in sex until the weekends and I’m cranky and tired most days. He says my behavior and attitude have changed. I wish I could reassure him that it won’t last long, that I will get better and things will level out.

I only hope that is what will happen. I don’t like feeling turned off and constantly tired. I don’t like playing catch up everyday. I don’t like going to bed at 9:30. I don’t like that my body refuses to work for anything less than 8 hours of sleep, no matter what I do.

I have always worried. I don’t think I’ve had a day where no worries crept in. I haven’t been able to stop it. I just need to learn to not let them bother me.


Stress Writing

There are times like today when Master says, “Write in your journal today.” and you have nothing to talk about. I ask him for something to write about and he doesn’t have anything either. What in the world does he want me to say that he doesn’t already know? I’m tired, I work hard everyday, I feel bad that I take a nap daily to catch up on the sleep I don’t get at night, I hate that I don’t make enough to pay the bills or get the things we want to make our life more comfortable.

I suffer from stress filled days and uneven bouts of sleep and wakefullness. I dream, I don’t dream it’s all a part of how I live this life. I’m a worry wart, I stress about everything. Master hates it. He wishes that I would relax. He wishes that I would let him worry, but I can’t let things go.

And so I stress.


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