Master and I have been discussing my diet lately. Well, it’s more like I’ve been discussing it with him. You see that this summer I’ve plateaued and been stuck just above 300 for 4 months now. It’s very agrivating and I’d like to get going again. I know that most of it is loss of interest, desire, and strength to continue. I’ve stopped caring what I eat, how much I eat and if I exercise. I’ve not eaten very healthily for a long while and my care for myself has declined. Master does not wish to have my diet under his control, and it’s something I’d rather be in charge of myself as well, but I’ve asked him that if I haven’t improved in a month if he’d be willing to do little things like control my portions. We shall see if he will need to do that. I have this next month to work on myself.
I’ve been depressed and depressing lately. I worry all the time, as I’ve written before and I can’t seem to keep these thoughts out of my daily life so that I can enjoy the moments that come. I know this is not only hindering my diet and healthy, but our relationship as well. I feel that my anxiety and depression are causing me to stop submitting, and not following my rules that I know exist and those I’d like to work up to. It’s like going back to square one too many times. I need to be on the ball, I need to develop the discipline to acheive what I strive for. My goal is out there, I just have to get to it.
I appreciate my Master’s strength in living through my downs. He has been my rock in all this. I look up to him as the ruler of my all, my love and commander. He owns parts of me I never thought I had given him. Subconciously I feel a connection with him that I never thought I’d feel. He is beginning to become my reason. My reason for anything I do, all that I am and all I can become. It’s hard to believe sometimes that we will be celebrating 2 years in October. Two precious and wonderful years. Full of struggle and growth, full of love and commitment, challenge and defeats. We’ve gotten closer, more complete, nearer to who we truely are with each other. I’m eternally grateful for him in my life.