When Master and I first met online we shared how we were with each other. We got to know our personalities and behaviors and hoped that how we were online was somewhat how we were in real life.
Last night Master informed me during and argument that I was not what was advertised.
- I’m not as sexually insatiable as I thought.
- I’m not as submissive as I seemed online.
Neither of these are a surprise to me. I knew I wasn’t very submissive naturally. I’ve been kicking and screaming my way to myself for years. I don’t know how I should be or how I would have acted had my father not begun to beat me and yell at me and my mother hadn’t called me names and degraded me. I do know that being the first child always comes with more responsibility and a more independent personality.
I’m not making excuses. I told him that people don’t think I’m submissive or if I am it’s because of what I’ll get out of it and not to please someone else. He said he could see a piece of me that was trying to get out and that piece was what he saw as submissive. I, while skeptical, believe he could do it. I’ve still not given up on the chance that he will help me become a changed woman.
Sexually insatiable. I once thought that was how I was. In my last relationship I wanted sex all the time. I was very disappointed at the quality of my sex and so I thought the more I had the better he may become. He never got better and I got lazy. This laziness is one of the things that Master has a huge issue with. I’ve shared it before. I’m not as active in bed as he’d like and I don’t initiate sex as often as he wants or how he wants. I’m not sure how to correct this. I don’t want to be lazy. I don’t want to not show him how much I want him and need him sexually. I’m dealing with trying to reprogram myself.
It’s been 4 days since we had sex. A lot of relationships go through dry spells, some only have sex on the weekends. There are many excuses as to why I’ve not been in the mood for sex but obviously it’s not enough for him. I’ve been distancing myself when I get home from work, I’ve been anti-social and that is tearing him up. I have to be able to disconnect from work mode when I get home so that I can focus on him. I have to be able to find the energy to serve his needs so that our relationship that just crawled out of the water after a huge failure on my part, doesn’t end up diving back off the deep end into oblivion.
I told him during this argument that I had so much training that was piled on me that I basically had to do myself as I wasn’t getting the training from him even though he expected it. I was getting the affirmation if I did it right, but if I didn’t do something right I didn’t get the negative feedback either. How is it going to reinforce a good habit if I don’t get corrected for the bad one? I used training a dog as an example. It requires repetitive practice with rewards and chastisement in order for training to work. I feel that I need the same thing.
This can’t mean the end of our relationship, we just got through a very tough time and I love this man with all my heart. There has to be a solution, and I have to be able to work on everything possible to make sure Master is pleased.
–luna
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I'm a large, curvy, lustful submissive learning the ropes in a full time D/s relationship. My explorations with love and life and BDSM have brought me closer to the edge of pain and pleasure, deep desires for rope bondage and debauchery but moreso a desire to delve deeper into submission and service to my Master 
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Maybe you are stronger than you think, maybe you are more independent than you think. I’ve always found in my life the hardest thing is trying to be something that you are not — training or no training. Look deep inside … maybe Master is right and you are not how you advertised yourself, but only because that is not how you really are. You shouldn’t have to change for anyone because that’s when resentment builds whether you want it to or not. If you have to try so hard to change then something is wrong. I’m soooo sorry you’re sad, but please think about what I’m saying … I know you don’t know me, but I want both you and Master to be happy and it doesn’t seem as if you are.
Luna,
You asked for a solution and I have one that I don’t think that you are going to like. Stop trying to be something that you are not. You are a victim and survivor of abuse, naturly making you a fighter. I have met you and to me you come across as very dominating. You are organized and you go after what you want in life, you are a leader, not a follower. I see you as a strong woman that knows how to get what she wants and my first impression of you was that you are a domme at heart. I don’t know if this helps at all but I hope that you will concider trying domination and see where it takes you.
Awakened,
Thank you for your words. You are right, I don\’t have to change, but there is such a pull to please him and to make him happy. I believe that with some habit forming I can please him as he wants. I\’m sure I\’ll be able to work things out with Master.
BossLady,
I know that in the external world and the few hours you spent with me I appear in control and very strong. That is how I am. However, in the comfort of my own home I\’m very needy, dependent and willing to please. I could switch in play and have done so however the emotional and relationship side of me needs the strong comforting take-charge type to care for me.
I believe I agree with what BossLady has to say — although maybe not to the extreme. Maybe you don’t have to try domination, maybe just try being yourself. Maybe a relationship where you are equal. The words you write show that you are a strong, smart, independent woman who has suffered a past that has led you to this way of life. I think that’s where the “pull to please” not just him, but probably anyone comes from. I am not a therapist or anything like that … I just believe we’re here for a little while and we should be happy. Sounds like you had a rough life and this is how you think you deserve to be. I think you deserve more — I know this life is right for some people, but you just seem like there’s more out there for you to offer. Whatever you choose, make sure it makes you happy — NOTHING ANYONE DOES TO YOU OR YOU DO TO OR FOR SOMEONE ELSE SHOULD MAKE YOU UNHAPPY!!!!! Simple words, but ones to live by. Best of luck to you!
Awakened,
I’m not sure really how long you have been reading my blog but you have to understand that ANY relationship will have it’s ups and downs. This just happens to be a down. It will be smoothed over and all will be well once again.
I don’t know what you know of D/s but we are equal. We choose roles to stay in during our lifestyle but that doesn’t make me any less of a human being or his equal. I am treated as if I were a cherished jewel and a beloved woman.
This life is not how I deserve to be. I sought it out because I felt wrong in my vanilla marriage. I’ve never felt so happy than I have within my role. This is the right place for me.
I suggest you read some of my archives before you judge me on one post.
–luna
I did read your archives and know that you choose this lifestyle and hope that you are happy. But please by no means do not confuse yourself into thinking that you are equal just because you choose this lifestyle. Master/slave by definition means there is no equal and that is fine if that is what you choose — and you do, but when you say you are equal you confuse me. In an equal relationship one person does not tell the other one what to do, who to talk to, where to sit, where to sleep, one does not “punish” the other one, etc. I just wanted to be clear on that point. That being said, I know the tone of the written word can be misconstrued so please know there is no malice in my tone and while I don’t know you I am happy that you feel as if you are a cherished jewel and I hope you always feel this way. I’m glad you are happy in the role that you sought out and remain happy …
Hi Luna, sorry this response is so delayed … saw it when you first posted it and meant to respond but then my own Master hopped onlne and I went to talk to him and got sidetracked.
I do understand your mixed feelings … needing your Master so much that you cannot even put it into words what he means to you. And struggling so hard for both his approval (and wondering what am I doing wrong when you don’t get the feedback you need) and at the same time struggling within yourself because you are both a strong independent woman and a submissive woman.
I am the same way … my Master knows when he deals with me he has a slave who is a mixture of a strong independent analytical logical woman and a very submissive woman who wants only to be on her knees to her Master waiting for his command to tell her how she can please him.
And it sounds like that is what your Master needs to understand about you … that both sides of you are there and both are equally valid and that you are working hard to give him all of yourself … that is what the whole code of submissive ethics you are working on is for … that is why you accepted such a long and painful punishment from him … because you love him and need him and want to serve him.
Hopefully you and your Master can have some long open communication sessions and he can come to see you as the whole woman that you are. And realize that the submission of a strong woman means a lot.
His angel
Thank you so much angel. I’m so happy to know that someone doesn’t want to try to convince me that I’m not who I know I am. *hugs* Master and I will be fine.
–luna