Pain

I would have been instructed to write in my blog yesterday had the interenet been available. It is finally up today and so I am backposting this entry that I handwrote yesterday. Thank you to everyone that is sending me support and kind words in this. It truely does help me stay focused and know that my experience is not solitary.

I hurt. I hurt physically and emotionally. The physical pain is likely to go away by the end of this week, at least a little bit. My emotional trauma is likely to last quite some time yet.

I thought Sunday went decently well. There was a small ’bout of grumpiness due to the lack of sleep. (I am sleeping onliy an hour at a time on the floor.) I have not been feeling well at all. Master has noticed and while I’ve been gifted with a few backrubs, they have done little to alieviate any pain. Two hot soaks in the tub as well, Nothing. I am lucky I don’t bite Master’s head off while they pain renders me incapable of moving swiftly. I tire very easily but can find no comfort in my pallate at his feet.

Yesterday went better than Sunday. I think seeing me in pain is getting to Master. I got ordered to spend time in his bed sleeping during the day… twice. A whole 1:45 in Master’s bed, dead away sleeping. I woke up to feel exactly how tired I really am. It’s amazing how your body can trick you into thinking it’s not that tired until you get a touch of quality sleep.

Couple this with the constant boredom I feel. I have been reading, and while I have many quiet activites I could do, none of them seem enjoyable when your basic comforts are gone. I’m now 450 pages into Les Miserables, 50 pages into The Story of O and finished with the Scarlet Letter. I expect I will finish O by the end of today and go back to Les Mis. (If you know Les Mis, you know it’s a complicated book. I’m taking breaks becuase the history and detail is sometimes overwhelming.) Nothing else seems to peek my interest.

Master spent Sunday morning watching his beloved English team win another round and advance in the World Cup. It was then followed by TV movies all day. I am somewhat grateful for the loss of internet that kept Master from his computer hobbies and in front of the TV.

There are times that I would look at him and I got that familar smile that I miss from him. It shines in that split second of hope. I cling to the hope desperately.

Our sex life is stinted. Master has never been of the mind to take what he wants. I do’nt feel desirable. So.. sex is a random thought that rarely comes to completion. Sunday night I took a request to make myself more comfortale while he played with me on the floor to mean that perhaps he wanted sex and I got up and walked toward the bedroom to wait permission to lay down. I was wrong. He clarified that all he meant was that I looked uncomfortable and to shit until I had a better spot. I was so confused I sat back down, frozen, unwilling to feel anything but pain. Master had a willing participant – now he had a weeping wall. It remained like that the rest of the night.

“Do you want sex?”

“Yes, Master. I’m available. I’d love sex, Are you coming down here?”

“No.”

–end of discussion–

There was never an invitation to his bed, no order to do anything other than what I was doing. So I remained on my pallette.

My reflections on my punishment are baffling. For months I had been asking Master for more structure, discipline and punishment. He consistently felt it wasn’t necessary. Now that I have so many freedoms taken away I have a sense of comfort along with the guilt. While I am absolutely crushed fromw hat I id, I am finally getting what I asked for. I hate it and I like it. I’m so confused.

Today I got a freedom back. Master asked for my input last night as to what I would like to have. I asked for furniture priveledges. That means I will still be sleeping on the floor for some time to come, but during the day I will get to sit in chairs, the couch, use the table and relax. Master also added that when he gets up and all day, I can sleep in his bed. I have a feeling today I will be doing just that, all day long. I know he sees how tired I am and that it is affecting my behavior.
I have requested that my next freedom returned is computer usage. (I can always request, I won’t know what I get until Sunday.) It will give me something to do, and I have a Blogathon to register for shortly, pimp to high heaven and to raise money for. It’s the one thing I feel good about. I will be able to read email, keep in contact with friends and just start going back to the activities I once had. There may even be work to do when I come back.

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