Loss of trust

I’ve done something horrible. I don’t know how to talk about it. Before you judge me, please understand that this journal is for my personal thoughts, not for judgement. (Not that it’s going to stop anyone from saying things.)

As a part of my rules with Master, I am not to share photos of myself, explicit or not, with anyone. I am not to flirt or tease anyone other than him. I broke that rule. Badly. There was a man I was chatting with online. He showed an interest in me and even though I told him I was taken, I still shared a photo gallery I had online without Master’s knowledge and let him talk inappropriately with me. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I also didn’t think about how that would affect my life with Master.

Last night Master read my past log of conversations with this man. I completely lost all trust with him, increased his insecurities and tore him up. I’m a cruel person, just horrible. He was completely shaken up and I got a whopper of a spanking as well as the pain of watching Master in shakes and anger. I don’t know what to do, and I know that if anything happens it will take a very long time to redeem myself if it’s possible at all.I’m not allowed IMs or IRC chat today, he deleted every picture of myself that I had and destroyed any hardcopy I may have had as well. The man is banned from my IM’s and ignored on IRC. Worse yet I have lost all trust with Master. Everything I now do is met with questioning and doubt. How can I become a good person again when I’ve completely destroyed what good things we had going?I thought Master would remove my collar and want to move out, he’s that upset. He says he still loves me and that if there is a way to repair things he’d rather do that, but I’m not to be trusted and that my rules may be strict and limiting than what I was used to. Things are not going to be easy.

I thought I was depressed then, just look at me now. I don’t know what to do, I’m afraid when he touches me I’ll cry. I’m not worth any attention that he would give me and hearing him tell me he loves me anyhow tears me up inside with guilt for my actions. I’m a failure. I’m not worth his time and effort and yet he doesn’t want to let me go. How could I have found a man like this? I am never that lucky.

I’ve no clue what to do now. Do I continue being myself and behaving as I have been before this, only not talking to people or causing a failure in rules that I just did? I guess I may just have to wait till Master decides what to do with me. I won’t be surprised with whatever he decides.

–luna

Possibly related posts:

1. Hard Work Revisit
2. Power in Service
3. All a Matter of Thought
4. Flames, Soul Mates and Past Love
5. May I find within myself the will to achieve…