June 2006

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It's Official!

I have a job! It’s a part time job but one that will certainly help us pay the bills. My new boss even said that he was so impressed with my interview that he considered not holding any more interviews and calling me right up. That would have been fine with me! I will be a site supervisor for IKON. Basically I’m the customer service end of their sales and resales. I will be in charge of a few contracts with companies; making sure their office equipment is always clean, serviced and functioning. I’ll have a lot of technology to become familiar with, programs to learn and I’m so excited about it. Now I start training after the holiday, and I have to come up with gas money to go to Madison, Wisc. for a few days training. I don’t know any of you readers from Wisc, too bad… I’m looking for a “free lunch” too. :)

My punishment is still dragging on. Master and I are still muddling though everything. I hope to come back to myself very soon. I hate feeling so off center. I need to find my way back. Thank you for all the kind words I’ve been getting lately. All of your are right, it is getting better day by day and I know that we can work through this.

On Sunday I get the computer usage back minus IMs and IRC so I will be able to post on my other blogs, read and write email and sign up for the blogathon. I have a new template that will be up for part of the time before the blogathon starts to advertise. I’m just getting the pages written for it and everything functioning. I’ll have banners for people to put on their blogs/sites so that you can advertise what I’m doing. The more money I raise the better! (Reminder: I’m doing The Institute for 21st Century Relationships; a foundation for the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. All donations are tax-deductible in the USA!)


I’m getting better. I had a bit of normalcy today. I was handed my next job for my freelance work, and since I’m allowed to use the computer for work, I worked as best I could today. It felt good to be able to do something normal, something that felt like me, and not some shell of me. My diet is failing due to this depression. I’m up 4 lbs from what I was 2 weeks ago. I’m not disheartened though, as my period is on the way so I could just be retaining. In either case, I was hoping to be at or under 300 by now… I’m 6 lbs off. *sigh* I’m so far away of what was my Labor day goal of 288, I just don’t know if I will ever make half of it. Not sure I’m much of an inspiration right now.

On the second I get computer usage back minus my IMs and IRC chat. That means I will be able to read blogs again, I will be able to work on my website and prepare for the Blogathon. I have a few requests from people to do templates for me so that I might have something really neat on my blog for the Blogathon. I’m waiting to hear back from one and the other is a go. I just am waiting patiently. I am blogging for charity, and I have decided that this year it is The Institute for 21st Century Relationships. It is linked to the NCSF which I raised money for last year. The Institute is the education side of NCSF. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom does the politics and lobbying for law changes across the country. The foundation brings awareness, knowledge and education to all about alternative relationships, from BDSM, M/s, D/s, Gay and Lesbian, Polyamory and Swinging. It’s all about acceptance. I think this charity is worth donating to because the first step to a more accepting society is knowledge. Please consider donating when the time comes for me to announce my entry into the Blogathon.

Danae commented awhile back about my need to know why I did what I did so that I don’t do it again. If I can’t fix the why, it could return to haunt me yet. I have excuses, of course I do, however I don’t know if any of them can really count as true reasons. I have talked with Master about they whys, as that was the first question he asked me after he discovered my failing. Since then, these reasons have only just been discussed. I am not sure if there is a resolution coming, however I know that the fear of going through this all again (if I would be that lucky) is more than enough right now for me to never consider it. I know when I’ve had something good and I’d like to keep him!


PS: If you have ideas for what I could do for the blogathon, such as topics to write about or a theme.. something interesting, I would love to know your thoughts!


I would have been instructed to write in my blog yesterday had the interenet been available. It is finally up today and so I am backposting this entry that I handwrote yesterday. Thank you to everyone that is sending me support and kind words in this. It truely does help me stay focused and know that my experience is not solitary.

I hurt. I hurt physically and emotionally. The physical pain is likely to go away by the end of this week, at least a little bit. My emotional trauma is likely to last quite some time yet.

I thought Sunday went decently well. There was a small ’bout of grumpiness due to the lack of sleep. (I am sleeping onliy an hour at a time on the floor.) I have not been feeling well at all. Master has noticed and while I’ve been gifted with a few backrubs, they have done little to alieviate any pain. Two hot soaks in the tub as well, Nothing. I am lucky I don’t bite Master’s head off while they pain renders me incapable of moving swiftly. I tire very easily but can find no comfort in my pallate at his feet.

Yesterday went better than Sunday. I think seeing me in pain is getting to Master. I got ordered to spend time in his bed sleeping during the day… twice. A whole 1:45 in Master’s bed, dead away sleeping. I woke up to feel exactly how tired I really am. It’s amazing how your body can trick you into thinking it’s not that tired until you get a touch of quality sleep.

Couple this with the constant boredom I feel. I have been reading, and while I have many quiet activites I could do, none of them seem enjoyable when your basic comforts are gone. I’m now 450 pages into Les Miserables, 50 pages into The Story of O and finished with the Scarlet Letter. I expect I will finish O by the end of today and go back to Les Mis. (If you know Les Mis, you know it’s a complicated book. I’m taking breaks becuase the history and detail is sometimes overwhelming.) Nothing else seems to peek my interest.

Master spent Sunday morning watching his beloved English team win another round and advance in the World Cup. It was then followed by TV movies all day. I am somewhat grateful for the loss of internet that kept Master from his computer hobbies and in front of the TV.

There are times that I would look at him and I got that familar smile that I miss from him. It shines in that split second of hope. I cling to the hope desperately.

Our sex life is stinted. Master has never been of the mind to take what he wants. I do’nt feel desirable. So.. sex is a random thought that rarely comes to completion. Sunday night I took a request to make myself more comfortale while he played with me on the floor to mean that perhaps he wanted sex and I got up and walked toward the bedroom to wait permission to lay down. I was wrong. He clarified that all he meant was that I looked uncomfortable and to shit until I had a better spot. I was so confused I sat back down, frozen, unwilling to feel anything but pain. Master had a willing participant – now he had a weeping wall. It remained like that the rest of the night.

“Do you want sex?”

“Yes, Master. I’m available. I’d love sex, Are you coming down here?”


–end of discussion–

There was never an invitation to his bed, no order to do anything other than what I was doing. So I remained on my pallette.

My reflections on my punishment are baffling. For months I had been asking Master for more structure, discipline and punishment. He consistently felt it wasn’t necessary. Now that I have so many freedoms taken away I have a sense of comfort along with the guilt. While I am absolutely crushed fromw hat I id, I am finally getting what I asked for. I hate it and I like it. I’m so confused.

Today I got a freedom back. Master asked for my input last night as to what I would like to have. I asked for furniture priveledges. That means I will still be sleeping on the floor for some time to come, but during the day I will get to sit in chairs, the couch, use the table and relax. Master also added that when he gets up and all day, I can sleep in his bed. I have a feeling today I will be doing just that, all day long. I know he sees how tired I am and that it is affecting my behavior.
I have requested that my next freedom returned is computer usage. (I can always request, I won’t know what I get until Sunday.) It will give me something to do, and I have a Blogathon to register for shortly, pimp to high heaven and to raise money for. It’s the one thing I feel good about. I will be able to read email, keep in contact with friends and just start going back to the activities I once had. There may even be work to do when I come back.

I find myself just beginning the sentence that is my punishemtn for wrongdoing. I am miserable and bored. Hours have passed slowly as I contemplate my rebirth. There has to be a rebirth after a wrong so severly recognized as this. The effects on Master and our relationship are huge.

I have to start at square one again. I must prove to him that I am worthy. I proclaims to love me deeply and I believe that.I must work at being a good girl and behave that. It’s proving more difficult than I thought.

First I must explain my punishment. Master consideres it appropriate.

  1. Furniture ban – no use of chairs, tables or any other items that are considered for comfort and ease.
  2. My bed is the floor at the foot of Master’s bed. I will not sleep with him.
  3. No TV unless Master is watching, and of course it’s what he wants to watch.
  4. No video games.
  5. No computer usage unless for work, job-hunting or permissiong by Master (journaling/ fitday/ work email)

All of these were escalated when in a fit of anger, paranoia and need to just release; I locked myself in the bathroom with a pair of scissors and scratched my stomach. I attacked myself. The pain was soothing but of course completely wrong. One might argue that I need mental help. I do not disagree, however I have only rarely taken it upon mysef to harm my body.

I have been caned. It was not a lot by any standards fromw hat I read on other blogs, however I am not begging for more either. I hate the cane.

My punishemtns listed above started on Thursday and continue for one day for every scratch I made. Master says that I will gain one freedom every five days. As it now stands, my length of punishemtn is 30 days. During these 30 days I must be on my best behavior or I could loose a freedom once again.

Because of my bad back (from being overweight most likely) sleeping on the floor has done considerable damage and sitting without leaning on the furniture is no hel. I am taking a lot of pain medication. The rest of my body aches and this is only the second night. I can only hope that this freedom – sleeping in Master’s bed- is one of the first to return.

On top of physical concerns I am mentally in pieces. I’m torn with quilt and anguish, fear and uncertainty. I do’nt know how to act anymore. I can’t pretend nothing happened and yet Master doesn’t want it to consume me. I can not smile. I do not feel sexually desireable and my need to be of service is overshadowed by my depression.

My depression encompasses everything I do. I rise from my palette to eat and go to the bathroom. I spend time sitting in the room with Master, just sitting, for I’m not allow3ed any of my usual habits. I feel fits of anger, bouts of despair. I wear my guilt on my sleeve. Master feels that my punishement is adequet. So why can’t I move past it? I maintain my guilt and the dark cloud around me like a shroud.

I would like to return to who I was before this. I was just reclaiming my sexuality, I was Master’s slut again. I was working on my service, working on my credo, preparing the next work on myself and now I feel frozen in a grave of self-pity and guilt.

Will I ever be able to find my way back to the place I once had? If I do, do I deserve it?


I’m depressed, and more than just slightly. I’m caught between bouts of crying and sleeping with a disinterest in all things around me. Interesting enough Master asked me if my good subbie routine would fade when I’m not depressed anymore. I guess I am more attentive and behave when I am like this. I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t even think about it; I just do it. I’m watching his coffee level, I’m asking him if he needs anything on a more frequent basis, I’m remembering my p’s and q’s and just being good. I don’t know if it will last when I’m not depressed, but I hope so.

I still feel horrible about what I’ve done. Someone wrote me yesterday that it’s because I feel bad for what I did and how I’ve made him feel and somewhat scared of what might happen. Yes, I’m terrified. I’m afraid of touching him or him touching me that I will just break down and cry. I feel that the failure in trust is not able to be revived. I’m sure Master will try to prove me wrong, because he has said a few times now that he doesn’t want to give up.

I don’t know how to start over though. I feel stuck and I don’t like it. I’m paranoid that if I do anything it will be wrong. I’m afraid to have sex with Master that I will cry the whole time. I’m afraid to let my feelings overwhelm me. I love Master so much and yet I feel that I’m about to be discarded as trash, I’m just waiting for trash day when the garbage gets picked up. I don’t know how to recover.

Master hasn’t really decided on a punishment. He said he would be getting what he wanted whenever he wanted. I understand that and while he has asked for a couple blowjobs and I’m sure there are more on the menu he says he feels guilty for making me do it in my current mood. He thinks I should be hating him by now for making me do it, but I really have no opinion. If he wants it, I’m here. I’m always here.

I’m looking for a job still, gotta get out and walk the pavement today or tomorrow. I’m dreaming of a job where my degree counts, but right now any job will do that is full-time. I’ve got to start bringing in my part of the money. I’m tired of feeling poor and not pulling my weight. I hate job hunting. I feel like I’m not good enough and that the first thing they see is my size and think I can’t do a good job. I’ll have to see how lucky I can be.


Loss of trust

I’ve done something horrible. I don’t know how to talk about it. Before you judge me, please understand that this journal is for my personal thoughts, not for judgement. (Not that it’s going to stop anyone from saying things.)

As a part of my rules with Master, I am not to share photos of myself, explicit or not, with anyone. I am not to flirt or tease anyone other than him. I broke that rule. Badly. There was a man I was chatting with online. He showed an interest in me and even though I told him I was taken, I still shared a photo gallery I had online without Master’s knowledge and let him talk inappropriately with me. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I also didn’t think about how that would affect my life with Master.

Last night Master read my past log of conversations with this man. I completely lost all trust with him, increased his insecurities and tore him up. I’m a cruel person, just horrible. He was completely shaken up and I got a whopper of a spanking as well as the pain of watching Master in shakes and anger. I don’t know what to do, and I know that if anything happens it will take a very long time to redeem myself if it’s possible at all.I’m not allowed IMs or IRC chat today, he deleted every picture of myself that I had and destroyed any hardcopy I may have had as well. The man is banned from my IM’s and ignored on IRC. Worse yet I have lost all trust with Master. Everything I now do is met with questioning and doubt. How can I become a good person again when I’ve completely destroyed what good things we had going?I thought Master would remove my collar and want to move out, he’s that upset. He says he still loves me and that if there is a way to repair things he’d rather do that, but I’m not to be trusted and that my rules may be strict and limiting than what I was used to. Things are not going to be easy.

I thought I was depressed then, just look at me now. I don’t know what to do, I’m afraid when he touches me I’ll cry. I’m not worth any attention that he would give me and hearing him tell me he loves me anyhow tears me up inside with guilt for my actions. I’m a failure. I’m not worth his time and effort and yet he doesn’t want to let me go. How could I have found a man like this? I am never that lucky.

I’ve no clue what to do now. Do I continue being myself and behaving as I have been before this, only not talking to people or causing a failure in rules that I just did? I guess I may just have to wait till Master decides what to do with me. I won’t be surprised with whatever he decides.



Now, I’d speak about what happened last night if I could, but it’s just so horrible that I can’t speak it. I am worthless, I broke Master’s trust in a huge way and I don’t know if I will ever recover what once was. That’s all I’m saying, that’s all I can handle. Only time will tell.


Continuing more on my code of ethics I’ve come to realize that there are submissive code of ethics out there on the net that seem all and good, but not very personal. A common one I see passed around is:

1. I will communicate with complete honesty my needs, desires, limits, and experience. I realize that failing to do so will not only prevent my Top and I from from having the best experience possible, but can also lead to physical and emotional harm.2. I will not try to manipulate my Top. I will not push to make a scene go the way I feel it should. In other words, I will not top from the bottom.

3. I will keep an open mind about trying things that I am not comfortable with and expanding my limits. I will continue to grow as a submissive and as a human being.

4. I will accept the responsibility of discovering what pleases my Top, and will do my best to fufill his wishes and desires.

5. I will not allow myself to be harmed or abused. I know that submissive does not equal doormat.

6. I will be courteous and helpful to my fellow submissives. I will share my knowledge and experience with others in the hope that they will learn and benefit from where I have been. I will take the time to help those new to the scene start out on the correct path.

7. I will be responsive to my Top. I will not try to hide what my mind and body are feeling so that I may assist him in his responsibilities as my authority. I know that Dominants are not telepaths, and will not expect my Top to know thoughts or feelings which I do not share.

8. I will accept in the responsibility of a scene or relationship gone bad. I will not place total blame on my Top when it is not warranted simply because he is the Dominant. I realize that things may not work out as they should at times, and will do my best to put it behind me and move on.

9. I will give my gift of submission only to those that can responsibly accept and desire to receive. I will not place anyone in the position of Topping me non-consensually, nor will I give my respect to someone that has not earned it.

10. I know that D/s is not a contest, and will never think myself a “better” submissive because I choose to submit on a different level than another. I will not be boastful of the experiences I have had as a bottom.

11. I will be obedient to my Top even if I disagree with what he is requesting. I realize he has my best interests at heart and often knows better than I what I need in a particular situation.

12. I know that my actions reflect upon my Top, and will do my best to help others see him in a positive way. I will not intentionally embarrass or displease my Dominant.

13. Above all, I will wear my title of submissive with honor. I will never cause others to think that being submissive means to be weak or sub-human. I will take pride in who and what I am and will never show myself in a negative way.

Now I find nothing wrong with this one, it’s great to get started with and I’m sure part of what I write in mind is just worded differently than this one. I like quite a bit of it, and with some customization this one could very well be a base for my finalized version to be posted on my website someday. I’m applying more and more to my life as I try to get back what I once had. I lost my way and now I’m turning around and finding that path again. It’s a slow process but well worth the work.

The next three points on my code of ethics are:

1. I will plan some time everyday for Master’s pleasure.

2. My appearance reflects on Master, so I must care for myself at all times.

3. I must journal for Master at least every other day.

The first one is actually to help me center my attention, putting Master’s needs before my own. Perhaps in the final version those two (#2 from the first set and #1 from this one) will become one thought. I find myself neglecting Master’s pleasure, putting work or myself first. It is selfish and inappropriate.

Secondly is my physical appearance which needs a lot of work all around. Master has a rule that I put on makeup before leaving the house, but my appearance in the house has no rules and I do tend to be lazy with that. I need to be appealing to Master at all times, and feeling good about my presence at home and away.

Last one for today is a given. Master insists that I journal for him every other day. More if I have more to say. The journal that is for Master is HERE. I’m working on recentering that blog too. It’s been a bunch of nothingness for months now.


PS: I will be doing a blogathon with blogathon.org at the end of next month on my other blog ^^. The charity I have choosen is The Institue for the 21st Century Relationship (http://www.lovethatworks.org). It’s a foundation with the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (who was my charity last year) and helps spread knowledge and awareness of non-traditional relationships of all types. This includes gay, bi, poly, swinging, open marriages, BDSM and fetish relationships. Basically any relationship that isn’t the standard “male/female marriage”. This organization is more about knowledge, education and research whereas the NCSF is about lobbying and politics. I love the idea and I hope that you will consider donating when the time comes. All donations to ITCR are tax deductible! I’ll keep you posted.

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