I’m questioning myself tonight. Master had a lot of issues that he wanted to get off his chest; things that I’m not doing that somewhere along the lines we had agreed I’d do. I realize that I need to get back into trying to do them. Master wants to become more assertive than he currently is. He admits he’s a shy man and feels immature a lot of the times. He hopes that my adherence to the rules laid out for me will help him with his ability to open up and become more commanding.
He asked me what my end goal for the training is. I had to think about it. My first response was an auto-response, “To please you.” In all honesty I want the end result to be “I want to feel worth something.” I want to know that my whole existence is pleasing to someone else so much that I’m worth it. I’m worth the hard work, the training, the end result. I don’t know if I’m trying to kid myself or not. There’s a lot of questions floating around in my mind right now. Most of which frankly have no answers. Master’s goal is the become the dominant that he wants to be, which means being more assertive and well… dominant.
I am to be diligent in my speech training. That entails calling Master “Master” whenever I am talking directly to him, asking a question or replying. It feels over excessive at the moment, but I’m sure that will pass. I am to mind my p’s and q’s religiously and use them whenever the situation would be enhanced by it. Lastly, no swearing. I was informed early that even “crap” was a swear word. I will have to pick up my made up words again, like my all-time favorite “Jiminy Christmas.” This all seems so obsessive and yet I know that it is what he wants and so I will try to do it. I have to. I want the end result just as badly as he does.
I am also to work on my blowjob giving. While he says I am great at it when I want to give them, I am horrible when I am doing it just to service him. In truth, I just don’t like giving them as much as I used to. I abhore the semen taste, I can never get comfortable enough to do it, my mouth and hands wear out before he’s even near being close to orgasm, etc… I realize these are excuses. Excuses aren’t tolerated well when it comes to sex. Master is all about the sex.
We also talked about objectification, and that while we both enjoy it, he would like me to not be so emotionally detached during “object sex.” I decided to help me become more attached to it that we should rename it when we talk about it to “pleasure slave” mode. It gives it more feeling I think. It may seem silly to rename it and do nothing else at the moment, but for me, it just might be a first step to feeling emotionally connected to Master when he just wants serviced and I am to give it to him.
I’m so frustrated right now because I know I’m slacking. I know I can work harder. I am disappointing him. He’s unhappy and I did it to him. I’m feeling not worth the effort if all I ever do is nothing. Why can’t I follow a few simple rules? It would make my life so much happier and more fullfilling. Not to mention I’d be closer to my goal.
We also talked about what happens when Master brings something up for correction. I’ve not been punished for over a year. When he corrects me with either a look or a word, I tend to shrug it off, disregard it and move on. I know, I know.. it’s not submissive at all. In fact I don’t even think about it, I don’t correct my behavior and I just keep on going. I talked with him about adding some punishments but he seems very against them. I don’t know what is going to happen when I make a mistake or forget something. I’ve gotten so bad at walking all over him, telling him what to do and denying him things.
This is where most people would say I’m not submissive at all. It’s perfectly fine if you think this. As of right now I’d tend to agree. But Master sees something in me that I just can’t. He has told me he sees a need and desire to be who I’m working on being. If he sees it, it’s there and I will work my hardest to be the best submissive I can be for him. I don’t need to please anyone else. I don’t need to fit into any else’s definition of what is submissive behavior and what isn’t. I am submissive because Master sees that in me.
I continue. Tomorrow is another day; another day to improve, acheive and succeed. There’s not giving up on life, I just need to rethink my route and stop taking so many rest stops along the way.