May 2006

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Excuses

I have a problem. It’s serious and I’m ready to face it head on and see if I can do something about it.

About 6 months ago I started to change. My body and mind stopped being turned on by the things it used to. I stopped being horny. I stopped fantasizing about anything, I stopped having a driven interest in sex. Now it’s rare if I get turned on before sex at all, I find some aspects of sex as more work and not enjoyable, and all of this is killing me.

I’m depressed. Master is depressed and confused. I feel that if I can’t figure out what is going on and fix it, we may be heading to destruction. I love Master so deeply and my heart wants to be intimate with him, my body does nothing. That’s not to say that once I am touched and he is teasing me that my body doesn’t respond, it does and feels great, but I have no pull to be with him of my own. I am never horny anymore and it makes me feel rotten. It’s not Master, it’s sex in general… I just don’t crave sex like I used to. What is wrong with me?

I can’t think of anything that may have lead to this, I don’t know why my response has disappeared. I don’t know how to get it back. I want it back. I need it, I need to fee horny again. I need help, can’t afford professional help so I guess I’m on my own with Master. We will have to figure this out on our own.

No more excuses, I need to face it. It’s tearing me apart.

–luna

I need help

My life has been turned upside down recently. My body has stopped responding the way it used to when it comes to sex and thinking about sex. I’m terrified because I haven’t been horny in months, I haven’t had a craving for sex or orgasm in months and it’s begun to affect our relationship. I don’t like giving blowjobs anymore and I used to love them. I am never the initiator in sex, as I don’t feel horny. It takes me so long in foreplay to even show interest in sex and I know I love Master with my whole being. I just don’t know what’s happening to me nor how to get it back.

I was once a sex machine, constantly horny and Master just couldn’t satisfy me enough. Boy did he try though and it was great. What in the world happened? I want it back. I want to be his sex goddess again. It’s tearing me apart. Master is so confused and frustrated and I don’t know how to help him because I don’t know how to help me.

I’ve thought of a few things that might help in turning my mind to sex again, although I don’t know if they will work, I think I”ll see if I can try them.

  • Ask for more orgasms as a part of sex. Maybe it’s because my body is dormant that I am changing.
  • Touch Master more. He has said on many occasions that I don’t touch him much anymore and that he loves that. He gets goosebumps every time I touch him. I want to bring that to him more often.
  • Begin reading erotica on a regular basis. I hope that this will spark my fantasies again that have become dormant.
  • Begin writing my short sex stories again. If this doesn’t stir my body into horniness I don’t know what to do.

That’s all I can think of right now. If anyone who reads this blog has other ideas I’m open to hear them.

–luna

It's WARM!

Boy is it warm out there. And since it’s Iowa, it’s also terribly humid. I admit I’d rather have heat than humidity anyday.

Memorial Day tomorrow and I’m not doing anything really. I think we are having hamburgers but nothing big. Other than the Memory of vetrans who have and are fighting in wars, it’s the herald of summer. Swimming pools will open, shorts and even less clothing will be worn, people will be walking around either burnt like lobsters or dark as chocolate from the sun.

Agrivation is in this house as I’m not sexually turned on and haven’t been for quite a while. Master is ferociously horny and I just don’t feel up to doing anything about it. I’ll honestly be happy when sex is no longer the only focus in this relationship. Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy sex. I remember when I was his age, I couldn’t get enough of it. I am older now and feel that there is a place for sex, but it’s not all there is. Am I wrong in my thinking. Do I have to change my thinking because that is what he wants right now? Do I have to discard all that I think is a relationship and just be his sex toy until he grows out of this phase?

–luna

Not submissive

Today I have been so annoyed with Master. I’m not 100% sure why but it has lead to some very tense moments and I have taken a long drive to get away from my thoughts for the day.

I woke up at 5:30am. I haven’t done so in over a year and I just couldn’t sleep, so I got up, got ready for the day and went grocery shopping, did dishes and 2 loads of laundry all before Master got up. I’ve not had any webdevelopment work for a few days and it’s really driving me crazy to not have that do to. I know I should have resorted to cleaning the house.

At 2pm I took a nap. The early morning had finally caught up with me and I feel asleep for an hour. Master came in and cuddled after that and I drifted in and out of sleep with him for another 40 mins. Then I just got up and tried to figure out what to do for the rest of the day. Master on the other hand has been complaining of being sexually frustrated, but yet has not asked me to help him with it. He says what he wants is something I don’t want to do right now (blowjob). That’s right, I spat back. I am not going to do it for awhile. I’m just not in the mood.

He stayed in the bedroom, to masturbate no less, came out acting like nothing had happened and something in me was hurt that he didn’t at least try to see if I was interested in sex.

Times like these I know I will fight with submission for years to come and maybe I am not partnered with the best choice for me. I don’t know. We got in a tiff, something that left me feeling really annoyed and he felt dismissed from conversation. He complained that the tv was bothering him and I asked him what he wished me to do. He said, “just sit there and be quiet.” So I turned on my computer porn. He said he could still hear it, so I turned it down. Then he said it was still audible. WTF?! I lost it. I shut it off, got up, got dressed and walked out the door. I got in my car and just drove. There was no destination in mind.

After a half hour I returned, put on my mp3 player and went about cleaning the house. Not one word to him, no word from him. Just silence. He wanted me to be quiet. I wanted to show to him that I was pissed.

Now it’s been an hour and still nothing. I’m sitting here still really annoyed, he’s in the bedroom doing lord knows what and I’m just about ready to start cleaning and organizing things that haven’t been cleaned in months/years.

I’m just screaming inside and he doesn’t see it.

I see so much potential in him to be the strict, law enforcing, disciplining Dominant that I know I need. Right now I’m walking all over him and while it does bug me, he’s not done a darn thing to stop me, so I just do it. I need punishment but he doesn’t like that. I guess I will just have to see how this rant will go.

–luna

From Submissive Journal Prompts: Can BDSM be considered a sexual orientation?

I’ve recently been of the volition that sexual orientation can not only describe your gender specific sexual identity but also the differences in how you enjoy sex. For example, someone with an extreme but healthy fetish would have that fetish as a requirement for sex, just as being heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual is an identifier for each person. For someone such as myself, sex isn’t fullfilling if it does not have any elements of power exchange or SM. I do not get the same enjoyment from regular sex than I do with Power sex. This is not to say that I can’t have regular sex, it’s just my preference is Power Exchange and SM.

Defining sexual orientation is not an easy task because as the years progress, sexologists have found more and more paraphilias and personal sexual choices to include into the definition.

My choice to be submissive is not part of my sexual orientation, but a part of my lifestyle choice. I have always been able to keep those two separate. It is perhaps why I feel I could top someone in bed without difficulty but can not be Dominant outside the bedroom.

Resources about sexual orientation:

Sexual Orientation at Wikipedia

Defining Sexual Orientation

Sado-Masochism Might be ‘Sexual Orientation’

3rd Sex?

–luna

I’m depressed. I’ve spent all day on a short fuse and feeling like the world is collapsing in on itself. It could be a number of things bothering me. I am done with school; school has been my routine for over 6 years and now I don’t have to look forward to going back anymore. I feel like a part of my life is over and I don’t want it to be. How can I be excited for the road ahead when I’m mourning the loss of the times I had. I even miss the difficult homework, the hours of class and the testing. Just 3 weeks ago I was in school, now I have to turn my gaze outside of that and find something fulfilling to do with myself.

I’d like to think that serving Master would be that something. I’m still working hard at achieving what I want to be and where Master wishes me to be. I long for the day that I can feel at peace that I am doing everything as he wishes. Training or changing, it’s all in preparation for my life as it is and will be.

I have not had work for almost a week and it is driving me insane. I get so antsy and bored easily when I have no work to do. I feel like I can’t control anything and then nothing gets done. I’m anxiously waiting for a paycheck sometime this week and then another in just 10 days or so after that. I feel like we are constantly playing catch up. Why can’t I be relaxed and not worry. Master has always come through with the money we need. I trust him to know that working hard is priority so that the lives we want to lead will come true one day.

I don’t know what I want to do with my life. Do I want to get a job? I’d be so much happier working from home doing something that I can set my own hours for. Master and I have an idea for a BDSM shopping mall where people who make goods can pay for store space in the mall to sell their goods. No need to upkeep a website on their part, it would all be taken care of. It is years off I figure because Master’s other project is due to be complete in a year or so and I need to figure out how to market that to an industry that I don’t know well.

So I have a degree. I proved to myself and my family that I could do it. Now that I have it, I don’t know what to do with it. Is it a waste if I go off and do something entirely different? How long is too long to struggle before I go get a job/career that will sustain us? Master feels that work will pick up very soon and that a part time job would be futile as I’d quite just as soon as I learned how to do it. He wants me home with him very badly. I don’t deny that I love being here with him. I just need things to do. There is only so much cleaning I can do.

I’ve been really cranky today and while I’m pretty sure it’s the loss of college I’m feeling I can’t be 100%. I may have to vent more if I come up with other things.

On a side, Master checked my IUD again the other day and he said it’s back to it’s regular position, so I am not urgently needing to see a doctor, however I will still see about making an appt for my annual some time this week. I have it on my very short to do list.

–luna

No News

Master checked my IUD again and said it was back to it’s original length so I’m in no emergent hurry to get to the doctor.

I am going job hunting tomorrow, wish me luck. I hate job hunting.

I’ve been really bored lately. Any suggestions for things to do?

–luna

Yikes!

Master and were going to have all sorts of kinky sex yesterday. I woke up horny and was all in the mood. That is until the ultimate mood breaker happened.

I have an IUD, and to make sure it’s in place correctly there are strings like fishing line protruding from my cervix. Generally they are cut to be a bit over 1 inch long. Master makes it a habit to check for them, usually without me knowing, before sex; just as a part of foreplay. Yesterday he couldn’t find them. I mean he was pushing and feeling my cervix and just couldn’t feel them. I asked him to try again and push really hard, and he found them finally but they were so short that they were almost not there. That freaked me. How long have then been like that? Is it dislodged? Will I have to have a new one placed? Definitely put a damper on my mood.

I have to go to the doctor this week to have it checked. It’s also a bit past due for my annual exam so I’ll have to get that too. Hopefully Planned Parenthood will have time available for me as a new client. I don’t know if they do IUD’s up here though. The last PP I went to, sent me to a gyno for the implant procedure. I wish I had medical insurance. It would make all this a lot easier on the pocketbook. Until then I’m tentative to have sex. I will have Master check for a string each and every time and I don’t know… I hate condoms, but…. we may have to use spermicide as well or something, just to cut down chances if the IUD is ineffective.

Talk about unsettling the nerves!

–luna

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