by Frank Herbert
You have control over a great wealth of resources, but no one wants to let you have them. You’ve decided to try to defend yourself, but it may take eons before you really get back what you feel you deserve. Meanwhile you have a cult-like following of minions waiting for your life to progress. This would all be even more exciting if you could just get the sand out of your eyes.
Take the Book Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.
Just six more days and I’m a college graduate. I’ve never thought this day would come. I’ve had a lot of trials in my life that would speak to everyone else that I’m just not going to make it. I’ve had a failed marriage, near bankruptcy, a loss of a home to live in… twice, and a pleading to the university to allow me back with a promise to do better and be good. $45,000 later, I am a college graduate.
And now the real world scares me. I don’t know what to do with my life after school. I know I need a job. I know I need to find something that makes me happy and doesn’t over tax me. Master insists that part. I’m sure it’s because he wants a happy subbie at home when I am home. But my fears have become physical ailments. I’ve been terrible at my diet, but only in the evenings, my workouts have been short and I’ve had a lot of chocolate. This can not last long.
I’ve got to keep loosing weight, I’m doing so well. This diet break is just a short set back. I know I will keep going. Just one more pound and I’m at 10% lost off my original weight. Now, I still have over 100 pounds I want to loose and hopefully will do considerably well by the time my goal date elapses (Oct 24th 2007). I’ve not given up, and won’t.
I’m sadly not horny lately. I’m trying to figure out why because it’s not that Master doesn’t turn me on, nor that I don’t happen to really love sex. Master just knows all the right spots, but here’s my problem. I’ve had a lot of issues since Master took away my ability to masturbate (because I screwed up, but still). I don’t fantasize anymore, I don’t dream up hot little stories like I used to. I don’t talk dirty with anyone in chat. I just am not a dirty talking, naughty dreams girl anymore. I need to fix that. I liked being smoldery hot and always on fire for sex. How do I get that back? Why did it leave in the first place?
I’ve done a lot of work on The Iron Gate that I’d like to take the time to let everyone know about.
- I’ve changed my template a bit. I’ve had a few complaints about the unfriendliness of my navigation, so I have changed it into a 3 column layout but tried to still keep it simple on the eyes.
- I upgraded the essays section and made more categories to put essays in. This way visitors won’t get just a list of over 100 essays, they can refine their search within categories.
- I have added a Toplist for the Iron Gate. It’s linked on this blog in the right hand navigation. There are two categories; lifestyle sites and blogs. Feel free to submit your site. I have it set for hand approval to make sure pay sites, and other such things are not allowed to join. (I’m still working on the templates for the toplist so that the rules are within the registration page.)
- I’m working on getting a sitemap to google so that my site is decently indexed. I’m also wanting to set up link sharing/banner sharing with more sites to hopefully raise my pagerank. If you would like to link to the Iron Gate, please let me know!
I’m pooped, I’m going to bed. Goodnight!
So, the big question today is, does chasing the cat around the house count as exercise? The reason I bring this up is two-fold. First, it’s not something I normally do, so I count all that as exercise usually. Second, it was so hilarious I thought I’d have to share.
I have a cat that loves to lick plastic, and while I try to keep all the sacks up off the floor, this one had coffee grinds in it… I think because the trash can was full and not emptied. So I already scolded him 5 mins before this incident that I really didn’t want him licking the bag and he slips back over there and goes at it again. I watch him, quietly fuming as his head slips into the handle. I see the possible incident before it happens and I get up quietly to hopefully stop the impending cat scare. I get within 2 feet of him and he bolts, bag and all through the entire house. He’s spilling coffee grounds the entire way and I can’t catch him cause he’s so fast and so scared. He hides under the stereo in the cabinet and I’m screaming to Master to come help me get the cat and clean up (it’s 8am and not a time for Master to be up anyhow). He crawls out of bed and soothes the cat while I start picking up the grounds carefully and get out the sweeper.
Success! He gets it off of the cat and immediately turns to the bedroom again, typical. I vacuum up the mess and watch my poor cat, still frightened console himself in the kitchen window. Such an interesting morning!
From Submissive Journal Prompts: “I like looking feminine and I enjoy being a role model. I enjoy being a woman. It all comes down to having the confidence to be who you are.” – Cathy Freeman
I love lingerie, however I rarely take it as an occasion to put some on. I like the way it feels on my skin and the way I feel in it. I like the looks that Master gives me when I put it on and I don’t really have a good excuse as to why I don’t wear it.
I enjoy wearing make up. I know that it makes me look pretty, Master is constantly telling me and I know I feel better wearing it, I work better, think better and present myself better to others. That I don’t put on a lot of foundation items, like liquid or powder, I don’t do the whole cleansing routine nor do I take it off like I should is worrisome to me. I’d like to develop a skin routine that has to do with my entire body, something I can maintain and improve myself on the outside and feel good on the inside.
I know I can be a role model and in some situations I take that role seriously. I feel that someone is a role model to someone else somehow and while it’s ideal to uphold that role, you just can’t do it all the time. I work hard at being a role model in the weight loss group I’m in, not only for the sake of others, but for my sake. If I push myself to be someone to support and look up to, I know I will work harder on my own success and improvement. Same for school. I work hard becuase I know there are those that look up to my work ethic and strive to accomplish what I have.
I’m really excited to be done with school, but I’m too the point of being paranoid about not succeeding in life outside of school. Where the road will take me now is up in the air and because of that, I feel out of control and without a purpose. I know there are things I can do with my new degree; it’s just the task of getting to that point of accomplishing something that I feel is too far away. Just 2 weeks left of school, my papers will be turned in and I will be receiving my degree. Just 2 weeks till my life takes another turn. How it will turn out is still to be determined.
I’m still getting headaches on a regular basis. I really hope they are stress related and not something I should worry (more stress) about. I’ll be so happy to be done with my papers for the term. I have 2 left both due in a week and a half. Plenty of time and I’ve started one of them so that’s good too.
We still have no money and that worries me more than anything. Due dates have come and gone on a few important bills and yet I can’t see the day I have money. My father is coming in from out of town in 2 weeks and I don’t want him to see that we are so poor right now.
Worse yet I’m sure this is all affecting my diet. I’ve been working out a bit more than usual so I’d like to attribute any gain to muscle gain. I’m thinking that might just be an excuse but who knows. I weigh in on Wednesday so we will know then.
I have a munch to facilitate tonight. I’m so glad I made it later in the evening so that we have an excuse not to buy food. It will most likely just be a coffee night. I think we can afford that. So far we have 2 people coming. Sounds like old times….
Last night I went to a friend’s birthday party. It was a Sheer Romance Party, much like Passions Parties, these were once called Slumber Parties. It was great fun and I have a few things on my want list for Master to think about. Going to the party makes me wish I could sell this stuff myself. It always requires $$ in advance to buy your demo kit so it would have to wait anyhow, but I’d also have to think if I have the ability to sell these things at parties or not. Ah well, it’s something to think about if I ever become that houseslave role that I keep thinking about.
Oh my goodness I have just had one of the best orgasms ever and Master used me so wonderfully it’s amazing I am speechless! MMmm, and he has promised trying to play tomorrow if time is on our side. *grins*
Off to bed, a well used, feeling tingly all over slut! Thank you Master!
From Submissive Journal Prompts: “It is time that I….”
It is time that I work harder at pleasing Master. I know there are times that I am in independent luna mode and I don’t think about Master first. In fact lately there have been more and more luna time than there has been Master time. I’m afraid that I may not be able to find my way back to that road I am supposed to be on. I please Master, I serve him before myself and I am aware of his needs sometimes before he is. That will be a wonderful day. Why it is still a dream? Why can’t I keep my mind on the task and improve myself?
Why in the world am I so hard on myself? Master has not expressed anything that would mean I’m not making him happy. He is so considerate about my workload and my trying hard with my studies. He knows that when we have more time for us that I promise I will work more with serving him.
Master did express that he would like me to work on my issue with saying “no.” I do it too much. Generally it is with sexual acts that this comes in. I admit that I use it and abuse it on many occasions. Master and I had a long talk and I’m to not say no. I’ve been taking it for granted. Master is still new and I have used it to still control things. Yes, I have topped from the bottom on many occasions so that I don’t have to do what he asks of me. I feel horrible for doing it, Master recognizes it as guilt. Yes I feel guilty about it. It is not submissive of me. I can’t explain why I have been doing it alot lately.
No more. I can’t. I have done it enough in the last month to equate a whole year of saying no in other contexts. I’m not sure how it will go or how I will be able to hold my tongue. I have a feeling it will mean punishment till I get it right. I will need strength. I’m in for a storm of correction.
objectified. I’ve not felt this way in such a long time, probably because Master isn’t the type to turn me into an object very often. Master feels that my presence as a woman and his submissive is more important than making me feel like an object just for his pleasure, whatever pleasures that may be. I woke today feeling that if only Master would just take me, tell me I’m his, show me that I belong to him and that his pleasure and service is most important.
Perhaps it’s the way it makes me feel that I’m needing. Maybe it’s because my mind has been full of stress and all the things that have to get done and becoming an object just for a short time even, relieves me of that responsibility to worry. It’s a release of a different kind.
I’ve been here at this desk for 4 hours working on a paper for one of my final projects. It’s going well I believe but I’m about ready to throw in the towel for awhile and take a break. I don’t know how I’m going to get through the other 3 papers I have to have written by the first week of May if I keep procrastinating. I realize others haven’t even started their papers but I feel that it will be less stressful if I do them now.
I expressed a fear I have with Master last night. It’s something that keeps coming up as the days tick by and I’m closer and closer to being done with classes. What am I going to do now? It’s a different life and I don’t know how to live it. Where do I get a job? Will it pay enough? Will I still have free time to serve Master as I’d like? Can I be myself?
The fear creeps into everything I do and sometimes it obsesses me. I believe it is part of the reason that I have been getting so many headaches lately. My future while bright and shining ahead of me is still so uncertain. I wish I could plan ahead for it like I do my papers. I’m going to just have to bite the bit and go with it.
We were just walking to the convenience store at night, nothing special about that. I had thrown my sundress on over my nude body as we headed out the door and followed Master down the stairs.
I love walking with Master, it’s enjoyable and intimate and so wonderful. On the way back from the store, I got flirty and daring and started flashing Master. It was so much fun that he stopped, looked at me and said, “Ya know we still haven’t had sex on our walks.”
That idea got my juices going, “Where would we do that?”
“I’m sure we can find a place,” he said as we both start looking around.
We were right in front of the elementary school. The playground is behind the school and isn’t lit up. It took us some time to find the perfect spot, but took no time at all to become animalistic and need each other. Master and I had hot powerful sex while I leaned over the jungle gym. (Description reserved for my memory and hot fantasies later)
It was exciting, daring and I loved it. I love Master so much and he stirs my soul with just a thought. I hope we can begin mapping places in this little town just like the playground last night.
Master and I were laying in bed this afternoon. It was warm and I was worn out from going to the gym so I was relaxing before my homework time. Master slips in next to me and starts playing with my nipples, watching them get hard and wrinkled as they react to his touch.
“You see that, that one is horny, this one isn’t,” he says.
“How in the world can you tell that Master?” I reply.
“Because, baby, this one is responding and is getting hard, that one isn’t.”
“I have to know these things you see, because it’s your horniness gauge. When they are both hard I know you are horny.”
“Master, you are so silly,” as I burst out laughing, “I love you so much.”
“I love you too baby”
Ok, so I have a horniness gauge in my nipples? Who knew?
I have set up a website connected to the Iron Gate. Its called Structured Elegance and it’s my web development studio. I can do personal and informational websites of any sort. I do not have experience with e-commerce however. I can learn a lot of things and am open for any project. Take a look at my portfolio and contact me for your own project!
I gave my BDSM presentation today for the Human Sexuality class. This has been the most open class yet. While Master says it wasn’t my best presentation, and I agree, I always get better each time. It was fun
Ok, so this is floating around in blogland right now and while I don’t know if people read my blog or care to comment, I’m putting it here anyway.
You can now ask me any 6 questions, no matter how rude, open, blunt, sexual, yadda yadda.
You get the drill. I know you are curious about something
I’ve been working all day on homework and final projects. I feel like if I think any more my head will explode. I am nowhere near done either. So much to do, so much to do. I hope I can get more accomplished tomorrow. I am feeling the stress.
I started making my graduation announcements today. They aren’t fancy. I wanted them more homemade 1. because I can, 2, because it’s more personal, 3. I don’t have the money for expensive fancy ones. I’m sure my family and friends will appreciate them. I even wrote the words, pretty personal. This is what my announcements say:
She’s finally received her degree,
The entire crowd shouts, “Yippee!”
Six long years of hard work and study;
Many were good, a few that were cruddy.
To improve herself; she was given a chance
Success achieved: pomp and circumstance.
At eleven a.m. (yes, that’s morning)
On May sixth, of two thousand and six
Lines of robe-clad graduates will be forming
In the UNI Dome grand
of Cedar Falls, Iowa.
The Dean finally decrees as she stands:
You have earned your Bachelor’s Degree this day
From the College of Humanities and Fine Arts,
Now proud alum of the University of Northern Iowa,
I really like it. I’m happier with this than I think I would have been with something more traditional. What’cha think?
Master and I have been working on my new speech training. He is constantly reminding me to use his title when I address him and the please and thank yous are getting ridiculous. I know I will get the hang of it, and I want to please him so this is just part of the task. I think he enjoys his girl being good too (you couldn’t tell by the smile on his face when I talk to him appropriately without being prompted).
I will be doing a lot of writing this weekend. Sadly it won’t be all recreational writing. I have 4 papers to start for the end of the semester and I intend on starting them this week. So, while I write here I am dreading the work ahead of me.
I finally have some work too, so pay is here. I’m relieved and able to go get groceries. I got materials to make my graduation announcements too. Yes…. I’m making them. I just think it’s outrageous the price they want for them, and all I need are 15, so I’ll just hand make them. It will be more special that way.
I’m not sure if my speech training has begun, I know Master has slowly begun correcting me if I make a mistake but it doesn’t feel any different than before he told me about the new training. I’m sure I will begin to know soon enough.
A few weeks ago I asked Master if he was interested in having me do some speech training, or working on restricting what I say and so forth. He came to me last night with a few that he’d been thinking about that I’m sure will be worked into my training ASAP. I’m kinda excited to begin something new, and I know it will really tax me after awhile until I get get it ingrained in me to do them automatically.
First I will be working on addressing Master correctly. I’m better at it then I was but now it’s been decided that when addressing Master I will call him Master every time.
Second I will be working on my p’s and q’s. I’ve always had problems on this and now I get to work on it every day
There was a third one but Master said he forgot, so I’ll be writing that down at a later date.
I have a lot of reading to do this weekend and I’m already down about it. Ugh. I will be so glad when I’m all done with this stuff.
From Submissive Journal Prompts – “Write down three things you didn’t do because you were afraid. What could have changed in your life had you done them?”
1. I think my issue with swallowing Master’s cum has some fear involved other than just ick. I’ve been analysing it more than I probably should and I’ve come to realize that I’m afraid that I will fail (and usually do), I’m afraid that I’ll choke, and possibly throw up. These are very real feelings and I’m afraid to swallow in part because of that. If I could get over this fear I think my sex life would be more fullfilling, Master would certainly be happier and I would feel less like I was letting him down.
2. Go overseas for a semester to study. I know this seems like a silly thing to be afraid of, but I think it was more what do I leave here at home that made me afraid to go. My ex at the time was not responsible and I was afraid to leave the apartment, bills and pets in his care. I didn’t trust him to remember to pay the bills or feed the hamster or fish and I didn’t want to come home to no home. God, If I had gone and things had gone well I would have improved my Spanish language skills immensely, I would have gotten an experience I can’t even imagine but am jealous about my other classmates that have gone overseas to study.
3. Gosh I think I have to put loosing weight on there. In fact I was so afraid to loose weight for silly reasons that I’m confident now that I can loose it for the right reasons. My ex had a fascination with large women. Internally I thought that if I lost weight he would loose interest. Little did I know that he just didn’t care. I could have been healthy and a safe weight a lot sooner than I know will be.
This week’s goals are getting my homework done, hounding my boss for more work (I really need the money) and cleaning the house so that this weekend I don’t have as much to do. I really hope that I can keep on top of things. I’m feeling a bit lazy.
Senoritis is killing me. I don’t know how much I hate going to classes lately. I’ve wanted to skip them so badly (but that would mean punishment at home) so I sit there bored out of my skull, hating my “wasted” time. I just need to be done cuase I don’t think I could handle much more.
I said no to Master again last night when he asked if I would swallow. I don’t know why I keep doing that. The excuses seem real until I reflect on them later and then I just feel that they are not. I’m not a good submissive. I say no more often than I say yes and while this training has to be the hardest for me at the moment I know I could try to work harder on it. What do I have to do to get my mind to shut off and stop thinking about the ick and more about pleasing Master.
I have gotten a lot done this weekend! I’m so happy about that. I got my paper written in a draft to work from, I planned my next paper and I’m working on developing my final project for linguistics. I even got some work work done.
I reworked the quotes page on The Iron Gate and have to polish the search feature for it and all should be good. You should Check it out!
I’m going start my exercise back up again this week. I’m going to regret not doing it for a week. Pain here I come.