I had a dream last night of what Valentine’s Day should have been like. It should have included romantic interludes, and affectionate gazes. It should have had time being with each other, so close you could breathe the same air. It should have had climaxes and breaks for exhaustion. It should have let me feel loved and should have given love in return.
Instead the silent evening faded to a discussion and then an argument and finally punishment for me.
In the early afternoon, after a fun interlude of photos and then sex Master told me he wanted a blowjob. Let me rephrase, another blowjob because he had gotten what I thought was a decent one in which he now has pictures and video clips of. Also, if you have been reading my blog you are aware of my distaste for cum in my mouth, how it makes me wretch and gag. Master leaks, a lot. It’s just how it is, and I must tolerate the bitter sticky taste and texture. It’s something I’m working on even if I do enjoy giving blowjobs there are times that I just can’t think of having that stuff in my mouth. I said, “No.” Shortly after I was watching TV and he made some advances and I had a poor judgment call and I asked if I could watch the TV show that had just started.
This act started it all. Master got up, went to the bedroom and sulked, fell silent, withdrawn and complained of being bored. When the show was over I joined him in the bedroom and he was still just laying there. He wouldn’t talk to me, I had no clue that he was upset with my behavior, I am not a mind reader (as he likes to say). All the rest of the evening he acted this way; just laying around the house complaining of being bored, of not having anything to do and yet still he couldn’t tell me what was wrong.
I was hurt and confused. This was supposed to be a day for lovers and yet he was acting as if his life had just ended. I had been waiting nicely for over a week to get an orgasm, something that was already an issue for me and obsessed my whole being yesterday. I wanted an orgasm and I was going to do whatever it took to get there. I didn’t see the blowjob as my way toward my goal. I wanted to seduce him, not just get him off. Yes I was being selfish and growing more aggravated by the minute as he stewed and acted antisocial.
So I let him be antisocial. He choose not to talk to me and I decided to go to bed an hour early. He tucked me in and laid down for awhile. Then he began to talk and I knew I was in for it as soon as he started asking me questions. I was so confused for the longest time, why was saying no an issue. He has said that I’m submissive, I have a right to my feelings and he has always respected my wishes. I expressed, not so tactfully that the blowjob was not going to get me what I wanted, and he almost exploded. He called me selfish. He asked me if I really thought that he was that self centered that I wasn’t going to get anything out of it.
It went on, some of which I can honestly say I don’t recall word for word. It was heated, angry, hurtful and kept me up for hours. I got sassy, I got frustrated and angry. I just didn’t understand what was so wrong.
Obviously, and this is still what I believe: He no longer wants me to say no. He wants me to be completely submitted to him now and he won’t wait any longer for my tearing down of independence and self-taught will. Saying no is being selfish. Saying no denies him of what he wants and what will make him happy. I must stop listening to my desires and just please him. That way he will not have to get upset and withdrawn because he didn’t get what he wanted.
While all this is going on, my orgasms came into the discussion. Yes it had been over a week and a half since I had an orgasm, yes my period had gotten in the way and a horrid PMS cycle that still makes me cringe. Yes I had gotten one before all that and it was wonderful. I wanted one on Valentine’s Day. I assumed wrong. He questioned me and asked why I hadn’t told him that I felt that I needed more orgasms than I was getting. I explained that orgasms are a want and I have problems telling him what I want. Needs don’t stop me, but this want had become a need and that is why it was obsessing me as it had.
In fact my allowed behavior of masturbating has been revoked because of me. I had a rule that said if I masturbated I had to tell him. Well, I hadn’t been telling him. My mind is totally fucked up with the thought that I would get in trouble for masturbating, even if it is allowed, and that he would feel upset that I couldn’t ask him for release. I don’t know why I haven’t been telling him. It just felt better that way. But now that is gone. Not only am I still sexually frustrated, I can’t take care of it. I’m stuck. I’m hurt. I don’t know what to think.
I’m sure some of you are thinking, welcome to the world of orgasm control. I know that so many submissives are not allowed orgasms unless their owner allows it. It’s not something I ever had in my list of things I wanted from a relationship. I just don’t know if I can give over the one thing that helps me with stress, makes me feel good about myself, relieves desire and leaves me happy.
So this morning, I still have a need. It almost hurts with how badly I just need release. I have an exam today and I don’t feel ready for it in the slightest. I’m so tired that I could fall asleep in 10 mins and I can cry at the drop of a hat. All because I was selfish and said no. This is a lesson that will haunt me for days and weeks to come.
And yet, I did have a dream, and it was perfect.
–luna
