February 2006

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Update

While I seem to be slipping in my blogging duties, it may just be because my school work has taken over my life. I have so many large projects to prepare for and I want to get those done early, as I hate last minute pressure.

I have also been working harder on my diet and exercise program, to follow that, you can go to my diet journal linked in the right hand side.

Master and I have been fine. We both barely see each other with my schedule the way it is and him working a lot so that we can not have to wonder when our next paycheck will fall. I believe we are just running on survivor mode.

I will be graduating this May as you may know. My dad is coming up from Virginia, I haven’t seen him since Christmas before last. I hope that he will notice the weight gone (26 lbs now) and maybe I might have a bit more gone before then. It will be nice to see him, and I know he is proud. I’m the only one of his children that has gone on to college and is finishing :)

Tonight is the D/s forums that I help run. It’s on romance and affection in D/s relationships. The forums tend to be an intimate affair so perhaps we will get some good discussion going. I’ve done some reading on Love and D/s for the forums tonight and I have 2 essays on the Gate about the topic.

On Love and D/s by Lord Hamilton

D/s Vs. Romance in a Marriage by D.V. Leigh

Feel free to read them if you like.

–luna

Ideas

Ok, so Master asked if this blog was turning into a poetry blog. He doesn’t understand poetry. I’m not going to make this a poetry blog. I replied that if I had topics to talk about I’d write about those when I didn’t have anything else to say. He said that defeated the purpose of this journal. So, I guess topics from him are out.

I’m getting ready for the long haul at school, mid term is here and finals just after that so I have papers and more papers to do, the sooner the better. Ugh. Then I’m done! No more school. Wow, I don’t know how I will transition to work/homelife.

–luna

PS: If you have topics or questions for me… I’d be glad to answer them ;)

No comment

That’s right, I really don’t have a lot to say. I’m preparing for a long haul for school as Spring break is just weeks away and then I have huge papers to write and tests to take and then my college career is done. I’m honestly nervous about it and excited at the same time. It’s been a part of me for so long.

I wrote a poem about my Graduation, and while I have been sharing a lot of poetry here lately, I’m going to share this one too.

On Graduation 2006

I’m uncomfortably anxious of the end of my term
When my scholarly life graduates to full bloom.
Why, Heart, so unsettled on this crux of success?
In the right direction, my feet are planted firm,
Yet mind wanders in grey slathered hazy gloom.
I am pondering and fretting and under duress,
While my classes are finishing, how quickly time passed
My treasured friends around me prepare celebrations.
As I look behind with wistful remembrances,
Of my long loved education, closing at last.
Why then do I feel such saddened hesitation?
Can my soul sense delay in preparation of absence?

I’m ready, truly ready; I feel my life beginning,
I’m happy and blissful, anticipating the future,
And all around me the feelings are mutual.
Come celebrate my milestone, the final inning,
Take with you my struggle and sweetening closure.
A degree, scholastic completion; a ritual
Now over. Step foot with me into the unknown
Set my heart racing and my mind to explore
The world has not waited, though I will draw near.
Let the world know that this girl is now grown!
She’s taking flight, come watch her life soar!
Thank you all who have moved me to joyful tear.

–luna

On Graduation 2006

I’m uncomfortably anxious of the end of my term
When my scholarly life graduates to full bloom.
Why, Heart, so unsettled on this crux of success?
In the right direction, my feet are planted firm,
Yet mind wanders in grey slathered hazy gloom.
I am pondering and fretting and under duress,
While my classes are finishing, how quickly time passed
My treasured friends around me prepare celebrations.
As I look behind with wistful remembrances,
Of my long loved education, closing at last.
Why then do I feel such saddened hesitation?
Can my soul sense delay in preparation of absence?

I’m ready, truly ready; I feel my life beginning,
I’m happy and blissful, anticipating the future,
And all around me the feelings are mutual.
Come celebrate my milestone, the final inning,
Take with you my struggle and sweetening closure.
A degree, scholastic completion; a ritual
Now over. Step foot with me into the unknown
Set my heart racing and my mind to explore
The world has not waited, though I will draw near.
Let the world know that this girl is now grown!
She’s taking flight, come watch her life soar!
Thank you all who have moved me to joyful tear.

Master came to me last night with a concern. It was a concern that has come up before but we have been unable to resolve it to either of our satisfaction. We do not play enough. Each for their own reason, but I know that it is craved and needed more often than we do it. We both have our thoughts on it.

I think that it’s because we just have so much going on in our lives that there isn’t time to step back, and take the us time that playing requires. Even simple scenes seem time consuming and leave us both sapped of energy for sometimes days to come. I crave playing a lot and hope to have it more often in any capacity.

Master says that he doesn’t crave it as badly as he used to, and the reasoning behind it is that he is overthinking the preparation for playing. He says that when he plans somthing he thinks and thinks and then when it comes time, it doesn’t come out how he wanted it.

Perhaps if we included small bits of play in our foreplay we’d get what we both need more often. That was a conclusion that both of us agreed may help us find that small piece of the puzzle that has been neglected. Months have gone by without a sore butt or aching nipples or rope burn. I’d almost like a constant reminder of fun times. That is a goal I’m sure we can acheive.

_____________

On another front, if you have been reading my blog you know that I’m always having problems with submitting and fighting the independent nature I have and probably will always have in some facet of life. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t work on changing alone. Here is what I am proposing. I am going to look for a mentor, a female submissive with the same common interests, but with way more experience and the patience to work rather intimately with me. I am looking for someone to make me think about who I am and who I want to be. I need someone to push me to succeed at what goals Master and I have. Now, Master is the ultimate rule here, but with guidance I think I can reach his idea of perfection a lot faster than on my own. If you think you could help me on a daily basis to find myself within submission, please don’t hesitate to email me at luna@the-iron-gate.com. I truely am seeking a mentor. This is no joke.

–luna

Being Happy

I’m trying towards a goal. While Master and I are still not sure where we will end up, we are certainly having a lot of ups and downs, explorations and excitement on the way. We are a first time relationship, we have agreed to work into things slowly. I’d have to say that about every 6 months or so we reevaluate our relationship and add things, or take things away as needed to help us get to where we want.

We are both young. Young in life and in the lifestyle. I’m 28. He’s 22. This is our first D/s relationship and we love each other immensely. All things will come and while it may seem odd as you read about our relationship and the issues I go through, please realize that it is all a learning experience.

Master has problems with feeling dominant. It’s probably why he acts the way he does in situations like Valentine’s day. I have problems feeling submissive. I know that’s why I act the way I do. We don’t make excuses for each other. We accept each other as we are. It’s always a learning experience and since there are not wrong or right ways to have a D/s relationship we can relax and know that what we want is on the horizon, no matter how far away that horizon may appear.

I have said it before, and it warrants saying again. I am not a natural submissive, my goal is not to be slave but a submissive, as perfect as Master wishes me. I chose to be submissive because of my upbringing and 1st marriage. Neither of which I will go into detail here. I was forced to be independent and in control of anything I could around me and try to govern my fate as best I could. I was in charge of everything and had more responsibility than I wanted. This relationship where I try hard to be submissive, to reach that part of me is to place me where I want to be; peaceful and happy. I feel that when I submit. I currently do not submit all the time. Much of the time I am Master’s partner, lover and friend. From the outside world I am his girlfriend; solid and true. We have slowly been able to work submissive rules and restrictions into all facets of my life, but it is a slow process. He has told me many times that he is very happy with progress and that while the final result is still out of reach, the fact that I am progressing is enough for him to be happy.

–luna

Climbing back up

Yes Valentine’s was hard. Thank you for all the comments to my blog about your thoughts and feelings and the support while I work on things.

Yesterday after some gentle coaxing from starla I was able to see that I have a greater goal to reach and not to dwell on this setback. I did finally suck it up and go apologize and Master did too. The rest of the day was spent catching up with what we missed out on Valentine’s day. I’d have to say it was fun and nice and showed me that Master did care about how this relationship was going.

Last night we had a talk so that we could avoid this argument in the future. For the problem with my denying blowjobs (and I’m sure will build up to other things) he removed the stress of thinking he was going to force me to accept cum in my mouth to, as he always done, giving me warning and letting me decide to do it or not until I can do it all the time. I think that when we started working on it I was afraid that he wouldn’t warn me, although uncharacteristic of him, and I really have problems with the taste and texture still. Now I can relax a bit more and get used to it before I have stress of having to do it. That day will come in the future though so I have some work ahead.

As far as my orgasms, we discussed that I need quite a bit more than I am getting mostly during very stressful periods, as for me it’s a stress reliever. It will require more foreplay in our sex than we have in the past and I have to be more active (only reason I can think of why I’m not now is my weight makes it harder and I wear our faster). He expressed that if I thought I needed an orgasm to ask for it and he would decide how to handle it. That would still leave him with the final say.

I think I’m okay with how things worked out, and while I am certain there could have been a way to avoid the fight it has helped us grow and strengthen our roles.

–luna

I had a dream….

I had a dream last night of what Valentine’s Day should have been like. It should have included romantic interludes, and affectionate gazes. It should have had time being with each other, so close you could breathe the same air. It should have had climaxes and breaks for exhaustion. It should have let me feel loved and should have given love in return.

Instead the silent evening faded to a discussion and then an argument and finally punishment for me.

In the early afternoon, after a fun interlude of photos and then sex Master told me he wanted a blowjob. Let me rephrase, another blowjob because he had gotten what I thought was a decent one in which he now has pictures and video clips of. Also, if you have been reading my blog you are aware of my distaste for cum in my mouth, how it makes me wretch and gag. Master leaks, a lot. It’s just how it is, and I must tolerate the bitter sticky taste and texture. It’s something I’m working on even if I do enjoy giving blowjobs there are times that I just can’t think of having that stuff in my mouth. I said, “No.” Shortly after I was watching TV and he made some advances and I had a poor judgment call and I asked if I could watch the TV show that had just started.

This act started it all. Master got up, went to the bedroom and sulked, fell silent, withdrawn and complained of being bored. When the show was over I joined him in the bedroom and he was still just laying there. He wouldn’t talk to me, I had no clue that he was upset with my behavior, I am not a mind reader (as he likes to say). All the rest of the evening he acted this way; just laying around the house complaining of being bored, of not having anything to do and yet still he couldn’t tell me what was wrong.

I was hurt and confused. This was supposed to be a day for lovers and yet he was acting as if his life had just ended. I had been waiting nicely for over a week to get an orgasm, something that was already an issue for me and obsessed my whole being yesterday. I wanted an orgasm and I was going to do whatever it took to get there. I didn’t see the blowjob as my way toward my goal. I wanted to seduce him, not just get him off. Yes I was being selfish and growing more aggravated by the minute as he stewed and acted antisocial.

So I let him be antisocial. He choose not to talk to me and I decided to go to bed an hour early. He tucked me in and laid down for awhile. Then he began to talk and I knew I was in for it as soon as he started asking me questions. I was so confused for the longest time, why was saying no an issue. He has said that I’m submissive, I have a right to my feelings and he has always respected my wishes. I expressed, not so tactfully that the blowjob was not going to get me what I wanted, and he almost exploded. He called me selfish. He asked me if I really thought that he was that self centered that I wasn’t going to get anything out of it.

It went on, some of which I can honestly say I don’t recall word for word. It was heated, angry, hurtful and kept me up for hours. I got sassy, I got frustrated and angry. I just didn’t understand what was so wrong.

Obviously, and this is still what I believe: He no longer wants me to say no. He wants me to be completely submitted to him now and he won’t wait any longer for my tearing down of independence and self-taught will. Saying no is being selfish. Saying no denies him of what he wants and what will make him happy. I must stop listening to my desires and just please him. That way he will not have to get upset and withdrawn because he didn’t get what he wanted.

While all this is going on, my orgasms came into the discussion. Yes it had been over a week and a half since I had an orgasm, yes my period had gotten in the way and a horrid PMS cycle that still makes me cringe. Yes I had gotten one before all that and it was wonderful. I wanted one on Valentine’s Day. I assumed wrong. He questioned me and asked why I hadn’t told him that I felt that I needed more orgasms than I was getting. I explained that orgasms are a want and I have problems telling him what I want. Needs don’t stop me, but this want had become a need and that is why it was obsessing me as it had.

In fact my allowed behavior of masturbating has been revoked because of me. I had a rule that said if I masturbated I had to tell him. Well, I hadn’t been telling him. My mind is totally fucked up with the thought that I would get in trouble for masturbating, even if it is allowed, and that he would feel upset that I couldn’t ask him for release. I don’t know why I haven’t been telling him. It just felt better that way. But now that is gone. Not only am I still sexually frustrated, I can’t take care of it. I’m stuck. I’m hurt. I don’t know what to think.

I’m sure some of you are thinking, welcome to the world of orgasm control. I know that so many submissives are not allowed orgasms unless their owner allows it. It’s not something I ever had in my list of things I wanted from a relationship. I just don’t know if I can give over the one thing that helps me with stress, makes me feel good about myself, relieves desire and leaves me happy.

So this morning, I still have a need. It almost hurts with how badly I just need release. I have an exam today and I don’t feel ready for it in the slightest. I’m so tired that I could fall asleep in 10 mins and I can cry at the drop of a hat. All because I was selfish and said no. This is a lesson that will haunt me for days and weeks to come.

And yet, I did have a dream, and it was perfect.

–luna

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