Master has noted that I’m not home much this week. I’m so busy with classes and work and working out and munch functions that he hasn’t gotten a lot of my time. This is just one of those things that happens in a regular relationship. Sometimes it’s just impossible to be at Master’s feet all the time. I know he understands, and I miss spending time with him too, but I feel that there will just be more times like this until I am done with school and can settle into a routine of work/housework and making Master happy.

I have quite a bit of homework already for this weekend and have begun planning it out so that I can still get work done and hopefully be of the right mind to play. Master wanted to on Sunday but I wasn’t in a good mood and any of you understand that if you aren’t in the right mood, it just won’t work.

I have begun a difficult but necessary task. Like Angel, I have started a blog that will chronicle my childhood. I am fortunate to say that I never went through as much as she did, but as every story is unique, so is mine. I have only just started it so there really isn’t anything there yet but if you wish to follow me in my walk into the past, you are welcome to do so. I feel that getting the junk out of the attic and facing my past it will help me with my weight issues and my nightmares that happen every so often. Shattered Future

–luna

I’ve been swamped with all manner of work lately and haven’t really had time to reflect on anything. Sadly I am not missing that either.

Yesterday I turned into Master’s little sex machine and was so freakin horny from the time I came home till the time I went to bed, I can’t explain it. I just wanted him and got used quite well in the process.

Today I worked so hard on work, and homework and other things that I feel sapped of energy. Yay me. One more day and then the weekend!

–luna

Master has been very kind to me lately as I struggle once again with shoulder pain. I wish I could afford the Dr bill to find out what is wrong. I hate that I don’t have health insurance. So many things that the trip to the Dr said the pain could be and none of which I can afford. I’m on pain meds again and they make me all groggy and I sleep like a log with em.

I have started DJing again for an internet radio station. It’s called the House of Music and you can find them online at House Of Music Live. I DJ Tuesday early evening and Saturday afternoon. If you wanna tune in, head to the website and get the link! I’d love to know what you want to hear.

Tomorrow is my long day at school. I won’t be home until after 8pm. The day just seems to drag on forever and ever. I just hope that I won’t be hurting too or I will be miserable. At least I know I will be eating healthy.

–luna

Yesterday driving conditions turned dangerous and I had to get home. I started out doing just fine, going about 15 mi under the speed limit. I’m a good driver, always cautious but nature had it in for me.

At a four way stop, there is a curved lead into the right hand turn, so that it’s just a yield sign, I slowed, what I thought was enough, but it turned out as I was recorrecting to continue straight I hit a slick patch too fact and fish tailed out of control, spun 180 degrees into the other lane then down almost face first into a ravine next to a corn field. I was panicky and shaky.

I knew that if I just sat there I would be stuck so what do I do ( and you can call me crazy) I rocked my car out of the settled spot and crept along the bumpy corn field, praying I wouldn’t hit a really deep spot for about 100 yards. I knew this cornfield had a tractor outlet coming up, and I knew it was an incline but I was going to try it anyway. I launched my car up the incline, praying it had enough traction and slowly, rocking carefullly up the incline I actually made it up to the road again. I stopped, put my car in park and shook. I thanked all manner of gods and nature that I was okay and that my car seemed okay. I waved to the cars that had seen me go in and pulled over to see if they could help so that they knew I would be okay and slowly I crept back on the road heading home.

I had 5 miles to go yet. For awhile I thought my car was shaking miserably but whenever I took a deep breath the shaking stopped and I realized that shaking was me. When I pulled into the parking spot I got out and looked at my car the best I could in the blinding snow. There were corn stalks stuck in the wheel wells but nothing looked to be leaking or damaged. I will have to find out on Monday if anything is wrong. I am fine except for muscle aches in my arms and legs and a mild headache from the endorphines that coursed through my body yesterday.

–luna

–Begin Personal Rant–

Master has gotten into the habit of saying this quite often, at least this week. Now on a normal occasion where this would come in is if I had forgotten to say thank you, as I’m supposed to. Lately that “reminder” has come immediately after Master doing something for me. He doesn’t even give me a chance to see what he did or ask about something that I don’t understand, he just expects a thank you right away.

Now I know I’m to be grateful and honest with my pleases and thank-you’s. He requires that of me. I’m still learning to do it all the time, but to be prompted before I get a chance to remember on my own, feel sincere in my reply he wants it. I feel really annoyed with his current attitude at the situation.

I snaped at him and told him if he really wanted me to be sincere he needs to give me more than 30 secs to see what it is I’m supposed to be thankful for. As an example today Master did a symlink to My Music folder so that the start menu goes to the right place. Now I investigated it, and then asked him how he did it. His first words weren’t “I did a symbolic link.” they were “A thank you would be nice.” Well, that just put me off to the whole thing and I blew my top. Give me a freakin chance to appreciate what you’ve done, for Christ’s sake!

He told me “end of discussion” and I’m still put off, so here I am, writing the rest of my thoughts down so that I can stop being upset at his expectation. Life will go on.

–End Rant–

–luna

I see that I was tagged from Angel, and so I will try to answer.

7 Things To Do Before I Die:

Publish a collection of poetry.
Travel to England.
Let my mom know that she is forgiven.
Build a Spanish poetry database.
Loose 100 lbs.
Write down as much of my life story as possible
Try 3 foods that I thought I never would.

7 Things I Can’t Do:

I can’t do any car maintenence.
I can’t swallow. Ok, so maybe that’s an “I won’t”
I can’t go shopping without making a list.
I can’t sew (I can stitch, but get behind a sewing machine… and I’m lost)
I can’t drive long distances.
I can’t understand prejudice.
I can’t live without chocolate milk.

7 Things That Attract Me To My Spouse(Master):

His voice, gotta love English accents
His ability to know what I’m thinking before I say it
His hands!!!
I love his ass.
Master’s power to make me feel so beautiful and special, even when I’m not feeling that way.
I love his smile and wink when he looking at me
The way he makes me want to be his slave forever and ever.

7 Things I Say Most Often:

I love you.
Well…
Yes Master
What do you want for dinner?
Can I watch some TV while I eat?
Response to “Whatcha doing?” — Reading blogs
No problem

7 Books I love:

Blindness by Jose Saramago
The Vampire Chonicles of Anne Rice
Kushiel’s Legacy by Jacqueline Carey
Harry Potter Series by JK Rowlings
Les Miserables by Victor Hugo
The Bible
Beauty Trilogy by Anne Rice writing as Anne Rampling

7 Movies I Could Watch Again and Again:

Gone With The Wind
Pretty Woman
Dances with Wolves
Matrix
Body of Evidence
The Lion King
Erin Brochovich

7 People to tag:
treasure
Joy
november
slave
mija
hope
anyone else wanna do it??

Today was a short fuse day. I can’t explain it; I was just grouchy, and if things didn’t go my way then I was mad. I’ve never been so angry about the simplest things. I don’t know why I have such a short fuse today but Master certainly noticed and expressed his concern and desire that I resolve it quickly.

I have a ton of stress with classes starting. I hope that I can find time within my day for relaxation and worry free time. I’m stressing over having a job at the same time as school, that I’m able to devote the needed time to both things and make sure I get them done satisfactory. My boss is aware that school comes first and he is fine with that so my anxiety is all in my head.

It has been months since I had any sadomasochistic play. Not even a spanking recently and I think that may have something to bear on the short fuse today. Perhaps I need Master to recenter me. I’ve read about submissive who need it regularly just to stay on track and focused the rest of the week. Sometimes I wish we made time for that.

My hamster Peaches died on Tuesday. He was the last hamster I will probably ever have and it was a quiet ending to his life. I had just fed him the day before and talked to him. He was looking quite fraile, so I haven’t picked him up for some time. No need to stress out a very old hamster with handling him too much. I believe he was over 2 years old, so very productive life also. I know his little life blessed mine with company on many occasions.

This weekend is the local munch and I am looking forward to seeing our friends after a long draught of not being able to make it to the events. I really enjoy the community that they offer. I have yet to plan the next D/s forums and I have that on my mind a bit too. I need to reserve the space before I worry about theme or subject matter. First things first.

–luna

I’d like to discuss something. This is my opinion, my thoughts. I am not accusing anyone of anything. I am not exerting any expert advice.

As many of you know, I am in a weight loss group for submissives. We are there to support one another and to cheer each other on in our task to loose weight. For the most part, we are there because we want to loose weight, not because our Dominant partners wish it. We have been telling our stories the past few weeks and gotten to know each other better because of it.

This weekend someone introduced herself to the list. Because of confidentiality I am not going to reveal her name, but I’d like to summarize what she told us about herself. She was in a brand new 2 week old relationship with a Dominant, they started out as long distance for about a year, visiting and sharing pictures with each other. She informs us that her Dominant said he used to be prejudiced against fat people, that his father was prejudiced against fat people, but he’s over it. This would have been warning sign number one for me to get out of that relationship. Prejudice is a very hard thing to get over, and even more so when you are brought up that way. He’d have to prove himself more than words in my opinion.

This woman moved in with him 2 weeks ago, she left her old life to be with him. She thought everything would be well. She shares with us that this man dehumanizes her about her overweight condition. He will not have sex with her in any position but one, he rarely touches her intimately. He is aware from previous conversations what she wants/needs in sex and intimacy. He says her size interfers with the way he is comfortable having sex with her, and that he is not happy with her weight because it reflects on him. He watches every morsel she puts in her mouth and contantly tells her she eats too much. He is very unhappy with her size.

In the same breadth he tells her he loves and accepts her. How can a man say these horrid things, act this way and yet still love someone truly? This is warning sign number 2. It can not seem fair for her to have a man that is so contradictory. How can she really be happy with his humilation of her, and behavior around her? She did not agree to be his submissive so that he could force her to loose weight, that I can see in her email.

The email goes on to say that she is very unhappy, that she is timid around him, she doesn’t know what to do. Her spirit is broken. This is not healthy for a submissive. I began my own journey with the belief that a Dominant is to help enhance the submissive, not break her down to nothingness. Why would a man take a submissive that isn’t his desired body type? He obviously is having problems with her size and just won’t admit it himself.

I feel for her. I want to help her, save her, show her that not all Dominants are like that. I want to comfort her. Sharing my opinions with her though would not help her. I feel they would make her more distraught. The point is to support her and hopefully she will make the decision herself to seek someone that will love her as she is.

She can live healthy, she can loose weight, but it has to be for herself. She will only succeed if she has a strong support system, and she won’t get it from her partner. She constantly has to build herself up after he tears her down. It’s not possible to succeed in this way. I hope that we as a group can give her the gentle nudges, the support and strength she needs to make her important decisions.

–luna

We got the money we had been waiting for today so I was finally able to get food and my school books. Classes start on Monday and I’m beginning to be nervous. It’s my last semester, as most of you know.

I bought Master a rose today when I was out on errands. He thought that was wonderful. I just wanted to show him how much he matters to me.

We went out to dinner also. It’s been so long I think we both overate just because we could.

–luna

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been a year since I started my list of rules that has grown steadily longer and more invovling. I couldn’t live without these rules now that I have them. I wrote about the struggle with doing what Master wishes, and that I wasn’t feeling submissive enough to care about doing them. I sure was getting in trouble a lot. I spent 2 weeks without chocolate, I was on Master’s bad side for most of the month and near the end I realized just how lucky I was to be with him.

This is the month I also discovered Fly Lady. I have been doing babysteps to a clean home off and on for a year? No way, my house does not look like I’ve done a thing to it. Probably means I’m doing it wrong.

Some days I wish I were a cat. Especially if I was MY cat. They just lay around all day, have lots of toys (for which they choose scraps of paper to play with instead) and the best mommy in the whole world. They adore me and I’d love to be the one worshiping someone just to get the best cuddling and petting and attention. ROFL, I just re-read that, boy does it sound silly.

–luna

February wasn’t fantastic by any standards. What I do remember is a sweet romantic Valentine’s Day where Master and I had huge, and I mean huge submarine sandwiches and cuddled and played all day. I remember that my Master got a job late that month and has had it since, supporting us the best he can. It wasn’t an easy road and it’s only improved slightly since then.

I notice I am always questioning myself and that Master and I tried a lot of new things during February. I love looking back on the experience with verbal humiliation. I remember it drove me mad with lust and I can’t figure out why. Just must be the way I’m wired.

I am looking forward to the weekend. I get my school refund check and it will certainly save our butts. Classes start next Monday and I’m actually getting ready for those as well

–luna

Year in Review will be my attempt to remember and hopefully learn from events and behaviors that occured last year. I will try, each time I post, to recall a month and the important events that may have occured. I’ve seen something similar happening in blogland all over and I guess I can give it a try. If you have been following me all year you will know there were many very hard times to get through, but some joyous ones as well.

Today’s post is January 2005.

January started very hard. We were in a similar situation that we are in now, anxiously awaiting school money and no money at all in the bank. Master was yet to have a job, he had only been here for 2 months and it was slim pickings. I remember I was beginning a diet. I was very cranky throughout the month of January probably because the diet I choose was denying me much in the way of intake. I was also asking Master for a list of rules to follow, more structure and we were struggling with that as well.

Last January was also the month that Master and I played and I almost faited. I went to the dr. and found that I had poor circulation in my legs and that caused my dizziness. Blood just couldn’t return to the source. The end of the month capped off with a need to be more sexual in my behavior and attention to Master and then a cold. Wow, I took on a lot in one month.

In comparison, this month is starting out as better. Master has a regular job, I have a new job, and we are still waiting for school money, which I should get some day after Wednesday and before Monday. I think we are already in a better position than last year. I have lost 17 lbs on my second diet of 2005 and still going strong. I’ll get to weigh again on the 9th.

–luna