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Happy New Year!

I’m ready for 2007. I’m ready to make a change in my life for the good. I’ve set my resolutions and now I am planning getting them going. The sooner I make them habit the better chance I have in keeping them going.

I cleaned the house a bit today with plans to do the rest tomorrow. I WILL get to the bedroom to clean… it has been neglected far too long. I hope to tighten the screws and try to make it more solid. It is wobbling way too much for my comfort. We will need a new bed frame very soon. Admittedly it’s not the sleeping that is wearing it down *blush*

I wish everyone a wonderful new year full of prosperity, inner peace and happiness.


stolen from Bootpig

Here’s how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Play, iPod, etc.)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool.

Opening Credits: In the End by Linkin Park

“I tried to hard and got so far and in the end it doesn’t even matter.”

Waking Up: Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue by Toby Keith

I really can’t say I feel this song anymore. Loved it during 9/11 but now it’s just painful.

First Day of School: Must be the Music by Joey Negro feat. Taka Boom (club mix)

Falling In Love: You’re the Inspiration by Chicago

“You know our love is meant to be! The kind of love that lasts forever ” *Group Awwww here*

Sex Scene: Faceless by Godsmack

Fight Song: My Friend of Misery by Metallica

Breaking Up: Blue Moon by Drifters

Prom: Star Guitar by The Chemical Brothers

(I give up trying to analyze it)

Life: Pump It by Black Eyed Peas

Mental Breakdown: Nebel by Rammstein

Driving: Here I Go Again by Whitesnake

Flashback:Stay Awake by Julie Andrews (Mary Poppins)

Getting Back Together: Headstrong by Earshot

Wedding: Hello by Sita

Birth of A Child: Figure 9 by Linkin Park

Final Battle: La Mer composed by Debussy

Death Scene: Run for It by Delerium

Closing Credits: I Finally Found Someone by Barbara Streisand and Brian Adams

Dear Master

Dated 12-26-06

Dear Master,

Boy am I ready for the new year. I have a lot of hopes and dreams for our near future that may possibly come true. It’s nerve-wrecking just waiting for things to happen. I know I seem to be relying on me getting more hours at work to solve our problems. I know that once you get a better job we will be on our way!

Are you planning anything for the new year? I’ve been thinking of resolutions to try and tackle this year. Speaking submissively towards you is at the top of the list. I feel it might be a key to changing my attitude. I’m still hoping to gain your collar back this year and that means a fierce struggle. I know you’ll stand by me and help me to my goal.

I foresee this new year being calmer, less stressful and hopefully positive. Our lives will grow closer together and I hope to show you how important you are to me and how much I want you in my life for a very long time.

Final Resolutions

Well, so here it is… a preview of my resolutions for the coming year. I’ve been talking about these for a month, bouncing around in my head as to whether or not I should even set them and then what they should be and if they are decent goals. I have come to decide that even if they aren’t decent, that I will set them anyway. What’s the point of goals if I don’t have to push myself to succeed.

Personal Growth

1. Brush my teeth daily

2. Set up a bedtime routine that includes caring for my body, either with lotion or scrubs or bathtime. Something to set it up as special luna time.

3. Care more about my hair before going out. I already have a rule that I wear makeup, but now that my hair is quite long I have let that go and usually just put it in a pony tail. I want to make sure I care for it better this year.

4. Continue to work on my diet and exercise to a better lifestyle. I hope to loose 40 lbs this year.

Submissive Goals

1. Work on my speech with Master. This includes calling him Master when around him (personal name in vanilla public), saying please and thank you regularly, removing slang and lazy speech (yah, huh, yup) from conversation and not talking over him.

2. Make myself more available sexually. This requires that I find something on a regular basis to turn me on; be it stories, poetry or porn. I’m finding the less I think about sex, the less I want it. I want to be Master’s sex slut.

3. Seek out ways to feel my submission even when I’m in a bad mood. Allow myself to release the stress of the world and just be in the moment with Master; whatever time that may be.

General Goals

1. Spend 30 mins everyday cleaning the house. I don’t keep the house nearly clean enough for my Master’s comfort.

2. Plan healthy meals in advance to the day off. This includes a vegetable or salad. Have dessert! (I know this doesn’t sound healthy, but it will make Master happy :) )

3. Spend more time doing the things I enjoy that aren’t centered around the computer. I love reading, crafting and writing poetry; I want to do more of that this coming year.

Okay so there you have it. All of these things may be possible, some may be left by the wayside but I know that if I can do most of them it will benefit my life on many levels and it will make Master very happy.

It’s all about making him happy lately. I find that I’ve been slacking in the service department and I may have figured out why. I talked with Master last night and I guess I don’t feel the positive praise as much as I have in the past. Master is very good at saying thank you; he was brought up that way and maybe that’s where I get hung up. It’s nothing special for him to say thank you. Why is it I need something more than that? I’m making him happy, that should be enough.

With me it never seems enough.


Resolutions in pencil

I’m still working on my resolutions for the new year. I am working on a few facets of them; like my submission, my body and health and then the ‘others’. It’s truly not easy to come up with what I want to declare a goal for the new year. They are hard to live up to. I didn’t really set any resolutions last year and I felt that I should have at least tried to.

So, I’ve been penciling down ideas for myself, things that will improve me physically and mentally. I’ve been talking to Master about them also, so hopefully he will approve of them.

I had a nice quiet Christmas. Nothing spectacular. Master and I sat at home and enjoyed dinner and company of movies and each other.


You’d think that with all the wonderful things in my life that I’d be looking forward to Christmas and the joy it brings, the unity of family and the wonders of the season. However, when I think of Christmas it’s depressing, lonely and sad. Perhaps it’s because we are staying at home this year, or that we don’t have presents to exchange. Maybe it’s the stress of being overworked and underpaid, or the possibility that our lives may change for the good and we can’t anticipate it enough. Christmas is just blah for me this year. I love the music; listen to it everyday, I love the decorations and the spirit of giving and joy that I see around me. I love Master and the changes my life has brought around. I could not be happier with him and I.

Some days are better than others. Some days I remind myself it’s the little things in life that make everything worth while. Then times when all I think about is what we don’t have, what we can’t afford and how our lives could be. None of which is not changeable. I could go get a full time job. Master can get a better job too. We could take care of things then. I think we are selfish. We love spending time together too much to give up more than we have. If I work full time; which I may be doing sometime early next year, then Master won’t see me as much so we will have to work on making the time we are together as quality as possible. It’s all about quality.

Master and I played tonight. Somewhere in the middle of it all I panicked and scared Master. He stopped things right away, but I always feel guilty that I ruined the playtime, that we both crash afterwards and retire to our own little corners of the world; mine this blog and his is currently BF2142. I really need to not feel guilty. Experienced and inexperienced alike have panic attacks and have to stop. Master reminds me that’s one reason why they invented quick release and that they teach that first in safety. It’s just that if I can’t please him and I panic, why does that say to him? That I’m scared of him, not trusting? None of these are true, but really… can I question myself or just say this is a normal thing and move on?

I have been thinking of goals and resolutions for the coming year, and I blogged about them previously. I’m going to come up with a solid list here in the next week so that I can try to stick to them, and evaluate their progress throughout the year. There will be reachable goals and ‘I wish they were reachable’ goals. We’ll just have to see.


Meme from Mija

1.What time did you really get up this morning? 4:30am
2.Diamonds or Pearls? Diamonds while young, pearls when older
3.What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Pirates of the Carribean II
4.What is your favorite T.V. show? Mythbusters
5.What did you have for breakfast? Corn chex
6.What is your middle name? Lynn
7.What is your favorite cuisine? Chinese
8.What foods do you dislike? onions, fruit
9.What is your favorite potato chip? baked lays
10. What is your favorite DVD? Don’t have one
11.What kind of car do you drive? Chevy
12.What is your favorite sandwich? Ruben
13.What characteristics do you despise? worry wart
14.Favorite item of clothing? my 4 sizes too big sweatshirt
15.If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be? Egypt
16.What color is your bathroom? peach
17.Favorite brand of clothes? Don’t have one
18.Where would you like to retire? Hmmm…. don’t know
19.Favorite time of day? morning, just as the sun comes up
20.Where were you born? Des Moines, IA
21.Favorite sport to watch? I like the olympics really
22.Who do you least expect to send this back? *shrugs*
23.Person you expect to send this back first? Um… again, doesn’t matter really
24.What type of detergent do you use? Tide
25.Coke or Pepsi? Pepsi
26.Are you a morning person or night owl? Morning person
27.What size shoe do you wear? 12
28.Do you have pets? 2 cats
29.Any new and exciting news you’d like to share with everyone? full time work pending!
30.What did you want to be when you were little? Spanish Teacher
31.Favorite Candy Bar? Whatchamacallit
32.What is one of your favorite childhood memories? Going camping with my best friend and her family
33.What are the different jobs you have had? Fast food, Movie rental, grocery, discount retail, printer fleet manager
34.Favorite Color? purple
36.How many Best friends do you have? 2
37.Eye color? Blue
38.Ever Been to Africa? no
39.Ever been toilet papered? yes for my 16th birthday
40.Ever loved someone so much it made you cry? Yes
41.Been in a car accident? yes
42.Croutons or Bacon bits? bacon bits
43.Favorite day of the week? Saturday
44.Favorite restaurant? Olive Garden
45.Favorite flower? Gerber Daisies
46.Favorite Ice Cream: Chocolate Peanut butter
47.Disney or Warner Brothers? Disney
48.Favorite fast food restaurant? Subway
49.What color is your bedroom carpet?multicolor stripe (ick)
50.How many times did you fail your drivers test? 3
51.Before this one, from whom did you get your last E-Mail? Taking It Off Mailinglist
52.Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Pier One
53.What do you do most often when you get bored? read blogs
54.Who are you the most interested in hearing from on this questionnaire? Everyone
55.Last person you went to dinner with? Master
56.Ford or Chevy? Chevy
57.What are you listening to right now? Christmas Music
58.What person have you learned the most about life from? Best friend L.
59.How many tattoos do you have & where? 3 tattoos; small of back, left breast and left thigh
60.How may piercings do you have and where? Just my ears
61.Time you finished this E-Mail? 5:42pm

A Need for Firmness

I read a post from a LJ friend today that rang so true with me that I’d like to post a bit here and then talk about how it relates to my life. puzzle of PolyBDSMMadHouse said that,

when Sir is lenient, it undermines me, and makes me feel as if he doesn’t care about the rules he’s set. it makes me feel like a failure for forgetting. it makes me feel … well… pretty damn worthless. and going those rounds with myself had definitely been taking their toll. i told him the only way i knew how. i asked for firmness.

I’ve had a similar talk with Master lately about the fact that I have these rules that I’m supposed to be following. Master notices when I don’t follow them; I haven’t done a good job at it lately really at all. I’m not trying very hard either, I admit. I know that changing for him and doing as he would like requires that I follow his rules. I also know that if he doesn’t do more than mentally note that I’m not doing them, they will continue to lapse.

One of the reasons I was attracted to Master and a D/s relationship was the firmness in which I saw Dominants, the structure and rules enforced. Right now I have rules, and they would be enforced if I go about my own enforcing and discipline. I know that some relationships are that way. I also know that those with a natural born submissive nature don’t have the problems I’m having all the time. My need to please and submit out of love and devotion doesn’t necessarily bring about the rule abiding nature and fear of chastisement that drives others to follow the rules to the letter.

And then I see asis… her need to serve in any capacity that she can, with all her heart whether she is ill, physically incapable or off mood. I don’t know how she does it. She’s been injured and yet she serves; she’s been ill and she serves. She frustrates her Dom by serving even when his concern for her care is at an all time high.

Why can’t I cause the frustration in my Dom that I’m too passionate about serving that it’s affecting my health and not causing frustration because I’m not serving at all?

Today I’ve been crabby. I can’t explain why except that when I’m at work I feel a separation of reality (the stress of finances, web dev work, dieting and exercise and so much more). Master pointed out that I’m probably crabby with him that while I don’t mean for him to be a point of stress and anxiety, he happens to be in the location where all these things are and so I vent on him. Nothing I know will cure this.

I’m snippy and he gets silent. In that I know I did something wrong, but it only fuels me. I egg him on more, make him talk about it and then he’s upset with me for doing that. It’s a loosing battle all around. But why does it always have to be a battle? Why can’t we be at peace when I’m home, why can’t I separate the stress with the joy in seeing Master. Why can’t reality just… *sigh* … real life will never go away. I have to find a different way of seeing it is all. It needs to not become priority in life. It needs to be shifted. Master and my submission should be priority.

I’ve been slacking. I’m frustrated. Master has been slacking. It’s all falling away and I don’t want it too. God I need to force myself to be just right, be there for him and most of all be me. I know I have it in me.


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