Happy New Year

New year is hours away and I have yet to draw up any resolutions other than diet and health wise. I’m not sure I want to set resolutions. I know I want to be a better person and continue to grow and mature as Master’s submissive. I want to graduate college with anything over a 3.0 GPA and I want a good job that will contribute to what we earn in a decent measure.

Tonight Master and I are going to do what we’ve done all day… watch a Law and Order:CI marathon, and tomorrow is Mythbusters marathon :) . Sounds boring but perfect for us.

I hope everyone has a wonderful New Year and best wishes for coming happiness.

–luna

Yawn

It’s late, and I completely forgot that I needed to write in here tonight. I’d rather be in bed cuddling with Master (a rare occurrence) than sitting here trying to think of what to say….

I’ve been busy with a few things for the Iron Gate. I’d like to get more content and draw more people to the site as a resource. My only option is to write it myself. So, I’ve engaged in a lot of research and reading of other websites so that I can have an educated knowledge to write my own. I’m not releasing the new information until the entire plans are done and I’m ready.

I’ve also begun work with the media company telecommuting as a representative. I’ve worked hard for them and hope to earn my keep. Today Master noticed I seem very tired. It’s been at least 2 years since I had more than a 15 hour a week job and I promised this guy 30 a week on top of classes. What am I in for? I’ll be dead by May.

My diet is at a standstill until I can get to campus and weigh so that I know if I’ve lost any during break. I’ve joined an Easter challenge with diettalk.com to loose 16 lbs by Easter, now 15 weeks away. I’m sure I can get close enough to that goal to make me happy. I’ve done well otherwise. We’ll see.

I can’t wait till I have a better desk chair. This hard backed wood chair is terrible to sit in for more than an hour or two at a time. I can’t wait till I have a better chair. When school starts again that is top on my list.

–luna

Filled

I was beginning to wonder if Master and I would ever play again. It has been at least 2 months since I’ve felt rope binding my wrists or the stinging ache of a spanking. Last night Master asked me if I would like to have some light play. I couldn’t wait. Now, I “owed” him some anal sex, so I knew that would be on the plan. He wanted to do some bondage. I thought this was going to be an interesting mix.

I spent an hour in the bathroom getting ready and relaxing while Master got the bedroom ready (wish we had another room for play). When I came out of the bath, I had a few more minutes to prepare mentally before Master came out and asked me if I was ready. I was.

It started simply enough. I stood before Master as he attached rope cuffs to my wrists and thighs. I was very curious what he had planned. He ordered me on the bed, on all fours and I complied. My body started to relax into what he was going to do. He fastened my wrists to the headboard; I was practically locked in place then.

Master has always said his favorite toy is my pussy and I know he’d play with it all the time if he could. He began rubbing my clit and I felt all warm. He had applied that warming oil by KY (if you haven’t tried it…. I strongly suggest it). The oil almost instantly makes my clit throb and the heat causes my body to just turn on.

In goes the glass dildo. Yikes, that thing is cold right at first, and I complained. He replies back that nothing warms it better than my pussy. “Yeah I bet,” I think. I shivered a bit and squirmed while I felt a rope wrap over my ass and around. He had tied ropes to the loop at the end of the dildo. I was to be tied in place by my own dildo. Never had that before but I was really enjoying it.

I was tied in place, hands to the headboard, pussy filled and aching and Master preparing my ass for his cock. I’m still uncomfortable with anal play. It’s an emotional block, not a physical one as you will understand shortly. He coached me to relax and I have to admit it does feel very good. He rubbed a spot inside and I could feel the dildo in my pussy. Mmmm, that was great. When he finally entered me my body tensed as I knew it would and I kept telling my body to relax and finally after more coaxing from Master it did.

My goodness anal sex feels good. My pussy was feeling full and teased by the dildo, my clit warm and tingling from the oil and my Master using me as a whore and slut. There is such a mental trip involved. I felt so good as he used me. And then something began to build that I have only experienced once before. I was going to come. It’s an unusual feeling and it has nothing to do with my pussy but I knew it was urgent and I begged Master, told him I didn’t know if I could hold this kind at all and he allowed me to come and it was a wonderful feeling. Deep inside and tingly, hard to explain really. I can explain the others, but this kind is just…. Hmmm.

Master continued using me until he reached his release and it felt so good. I love it when Master uses me.

Relax and clean up and back in the bedroom, my clit was feeling neglected and very achy. I wanted to come again but I didn’t know if I should ask. Well, I told Master of my current situation and he smiled. Yes this Man loves to play with my pussy, did I tell you?

He brought me to two orgasms with his fingers before I was ordered to bed for his cock. I wanted him badly so it wasn’t a problem. Master fucked and teased me. It felt really good, god when Master uses me like that right after an orgasm I just become carnal and it drives me to a deeper level of submission; one that the after effect Master really likes. I’m so pliable mentally.

We collapsed spent yet again and laid there, cuddling (my favorite part) for what seemed like a long time and then decided to finally get up and find water and recovery.

All in all a beautiful night, and I am glad I got to share it with you.

–luna

Snowy Mind

I’ve been pretty cloudy today. I guess that is how I’d explain it. Master says I’ve been grumpy, testy and everything else. I’m not sure why. I have so much to do and things to keep me busy. Maybe I’m just so serious today. God I don’t know. I just want to go to bed and not get up until tomorrow.

Writing is great therapy, but I’ve noticed that when I’m out of it like this, it’s hard to type. I’m making a lot of mistakes and having to redo typing. It’s driving me nuts right now. I wish I were of clear mind.

Hopefully the holiday will cheer me up.

–luna

New Favorite Blogs Added

What is Christmas like for those that are sharing it with their partners only? I’ve only once spent a Christmas away from family and friends and it was miserable. Of course I was alone then. Are Christmas’ more romantic and quiet when there is just the two of you? I’m going to find out this year. Master and I will be at home, with the kitties, doing goodness knows. I am making a Turkey and all the trimmings, Apple Crisp for dessert. I’m really looking forward to the Turkey. mmmmm

I had someone talk to me on an IM recently. They asked me what makes my relationship different with Master than any other relationship to the public’s eye. For a moment there, I just said nothing. I didn’t think there were things that were visible to the public that said we were doing things a bit different. I asked Master. He started a decent list of things off the top of his head. This is a mock list as if he were giving it, although the conversation we had was more in depth, “You order my food at restaurants, keep yourself shaved, you wear a collar all the time, makeup when going out. You are working on your manners and polite behavior and occasionally a person catches you calling me, Master.” I never thought that people could tell from the outside that we were a little different. I know we are very affectionate, and Master likes to spank and grab parts of me more often than I’ve known or seen anyone else do it. So, U guess it’s the things I’ve gotten used to that make us different. I’m sure there are many more things if I just took the time to think about it.

I have a few new blogs on the left in my favorites section. I’d encourage you to take a look and get to know a few people you might not know. There is Journey Under His Dominion, a blog I started reading only a week ago myself but the archives look quite interesting to browse. Next is Kaylas’s Days. This is Kayla Kuffs. She writes for publications and has quite a few excellent essays all over the internet. She has also graciously allowed me to post a few essays on Sensual Service. Then there is slave, a brand new, restarted blog where I just participated and won my first blog party. Quite interesting and the reason I have some of these new blogs in my list. Lastly is sweet surrender. I’ve only followed her for a few days, but so far I love the content she shares with readers. So folks take a look, they are excellent reads and promise to be on my favorites list for quite some time.

–luna

Glad Tidings

Great morning to everyone! I woke, turned on the Christmas music and feel overall bright and cheery today. I sure hope it continues. I’ll be making Christmas cookies today and making sure every room is clean so that I don’t have to push myself nearer to Christmas. Master and I are staying home and no one is visiting, but that doesn’t mean we won’t have a beautiful day together. Just 6 short days away.

I hope that all my friends here in blogland have a wonderful Christmas. Don’t let the stress get to you, keep the goal in sight, have a happy joyous day with the family and friends around you.

I’ve been doing great on my diet. I still have my bad days and good days. Here’s an update if you haven’t been checking my diet blog.

Start Now Change
Weight: 342 325 lbs -17
Neck: – 16″
L Arm: – 17″
R Arm: – 17″
Bust: – 54″
Underbust: 49 48″ -1
Waist: 54 52″ -2
Hips: 64 60″ -4
L Thigh: 28.5 28″ -0.5
R Thigh: 28.5 28″ -0.5

Yay me!

–luna

Working on Websites

There are new essays on Sensual Service. I have also sent out a few requests from people to see if I can post a few more. If you have essays that would fit into what Sensual Service is about, please please think about sharing them with me and the rest of the WWW.

Master, I think, had a wonderful birthday. He thanked me twice yesterday for making it so special. I can only hope that I can brighten every holiday as best I can. I can’t wait for Christmas, I have a huge feast planned and I refuse to diet that day! Yummy!

I’ve been working on another website for myself. It’s a vanilla site for spanish poetry. I doubt it will be ready for the world for years, it’s got a long road of research and study ahead for me. Wish me luck!

Can you believe there is only 7 more days till Christmas? I sure feel like it has just surprised me this year, not sure why. Maybe it’s because I’m not waiting day by day to get the next paycheck?

–luna

Haloscan in Beta

Okay, so it’s not that I haven’t gotten any comments, it’s that haloscan changed to Beta mode and set my account to moderate comments. Ugh, so I’m going to go back and read all the comments I’ve been getting and thought I never receieved! Thank you to treasure for getting my attention so I could resolve this.

–luna

Happy Birthday My Master

Master,

While I know you are sitting 5 ft away from me, working hard on your projects, I can’t help but think that tomorrow will be the second birthday I have celebrated with you. I have watched you, cared for you and loved you since you entered my life just over a year ago. I’m so grateful for every day you are in my life.

I can remember a very shy, cautious man approaching me at the airport that chilly fall day. You spoke softly and was visibly unsure of yourself. Since then I have notice tremendous change; you are more open, you have no problem speaking to me exactly what you desire and are more in control of your life and mine. I know you will continue to grow in love and life. I love being a part of it.

Master, I love you fully and completely. There is no part of me that doesn’t wish to be with you for the rest of our days. I know that we could not have found a better partner in this lifestyle, in our own lives and for each other. You are my missing half. You know what I’m thinking, sometimes before I voice it. You can anticipate how I will react and you care so deeply for me that it is visible in everything you do.

I hope I can make your birthday a special day filled with love, lust and delicious food ;) Lead me and I will follow, show me and I will paint the way. I love you Master.

Your slut,
luna

The sun has risen

I am so glad to be out of the haunting I have been in lately. I never know how long it will last or how severely it will effect me. I always make it to the light.

I realize I’m not a comment poster on other blogs. For that I’m sorry. But with no posts on this blog I think people have stopped reading mine. Not sure why it even matters. This blog is for Master and I, not the world necessarily.

I spoke with Master the other day about when school is done I’d like to have an at home uniform of sorts, a required way of dressing and he agreed that would be something he’d like. I’m not sure what he would want me dressed / not dressed but he did say I wouldn’t be allowed to wear my hair up. That’s going to be a hard one, some days I just hate my long hair. I’ve never had it this long in my entire life and I think it will just take some getting used to. I’m sure there will be other things to this uniform that I will grumble about till I get used to them. I know that treasure wears foundation garments all the time, and while I’m thankful I don’t have that request for me, I can understand the Dominant’s desire to have the submissive dress as he/she wishes.

I will be making a turkey for Christmas this year. Master wants a Christmas like he remembers. Some of the things I’ve never made. If anyone has a good recipe for Duchess potatoes and some form of bread that is English origin, I’d be grateful. Any other English recipies would be used too I’m sure. Just send them along in an email!

–luna

Haunted

I’ve not had a very good couple of days. I don’t know what has triggered this new ’bout of memories, but I’m not liking it and there’s no where I can really turn. My childhood was broken, which sadly isn’t as uncommon anymore as it should be. Since I left home in 1996, I thought I had successfully drowned the bad memories so that I would never have to see them again. Not all of them involve me, but they still are affecting me just the same.

I try to figure out who was better or who was worse, my mother or father. They always end up a tie. The only good thing out of this whole childhood nightmare is that my father has drastically changed since he married my stepmother, a kind-hearted, loving woman that I have grown to appreciate. My mother went down the wrong road and refuses to resurface.

These memories are only flashes. I don’t think I could remember the entire event if I tried, I’ve repressed it for too long, denied that it happened or treated them like they were no big thing and that I’m over it. Do you ever get over it? Can you step back and move on without the ghostly pain, the childhood fear, the misery coming back to you?

I have always been an overweight child. I was constantly reminded that my parents were upset that I was getting larger, although they themselves were obese. I don’t know if it was parental fear for what health my life would bring at a large weight or that they had other thoughts. All I remember is that my weight was a constant issue and many shouting matches ensued because of it. Vividly I remember the times I fought back. The finger bruises on mom’s arm after she beat both my inner arms with the bristles of a brush till they bleed because I had accidentally scratched my sister with my new, getting used to having them, nails. The claw marks on dad’s neck after he took hold of mine to choke me when I refused to walk the outdoor dog in 15 degree temperatures. The time I got so angry that my dad was hitting and picking on my brothers, all adopted (now that’s a story) with emotional problems that I picked up my brothers baseball bat, ran out to dad’s car and broke all the windows and dented the hood.

Oddly enough, daddy’s little girl, my sister, was never around during these hailstorms. She never knew what went on, I told her last year and she cried fiercely. She was upset I hadn’t told her, that I had protected her from it for so long. I couldn’t let her know. She loved dad so much, I didn’t want her to feel as I feel. Full of fear and hate. I tremble when I’m around dad for more than a few hours still to this day, even though I know he’s really changed.

I’ve been resigned and quiet. Master is really worried. I’ve not told him why I feel this way, why I’m off center. I just can’t voice it. I don’t know why I’ve resurrected these demons. I don’t know why they haunt my thoughts right now. I want to be free of them.

For this I begin to wonder why I enjoy the SM activities that Master and I engage in. For me they aren’t a sexual pleasure, I’m not a pain slut in that sense. I feel released from thought, I feel in control, and I feel loved. I know that Master does this out of love for me, because I crave it, he craves it and we walk the line of pain together. The endorphins that course through me help me to feel as if past never happened, they solidify me in the present, the future and the happiness I have been able to find in Master. I can’t explain it any other way. Maybe that’s why I’m a giggler. I laugh so hard sometimes I have problems stopping. It feels so good to laugh freely and know that you aren’t going to be haunted for awhile.

I wish the ghosts would leave, they frighten me.

–luna

Surrendering

What does ‘surrender’ mean to you? from Kindlings

I surrender. I don’t surrender all the time, it is not an automatic response… yet. I want to surrender completely to the wills and control of my Master. I strive for it everyday, with every effort.

Surrender to me is the ability of one person to release control, stress, cares, worry, and responsibility to another. To surrender so completely and peaceably with oneself is a goal that very few actually achieve. At this point in my journey I don’t see it reaching this stage. That isn’t to say that I can’t surrender on some level.

I have surrendered a bit already. I have Master. I had to submit to him for me to even call him that. I surrender to him whenever he requests that I do something (and I actually do it). I try to surrender to him in all occasions, failing miserably at some. But there is the attempt!

I know that with more dedication and patience on both our parts, I will some day reach my ultimate limit somewhere on the surrendered scale. This will be the happy medium I seek; where my submissive feels comfortable and natural and right, and Master is fully happy, within his role and pleased with me.

________________

Master and I went to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire tonight. It was a fantastic movie, even if you aren’t a HP fan. I enjoyed it immensely, up to the end (which is sad). Master was sweet and rubbed my thigh when he noticed me crying. I’m such a sap at movies. It was great to have a “date night.” Been awhile for that.

I am officially done with school. Well… almost. I have one more assignment and one more day I must attend, but I’m done! I have a month break before classes again and this will be my final semester. I’m so nervous about being finished. What do I do next? Will I have a job that supports us as I want to? How will my next phase in life affect my service to Master?

–luna

Happy Anniversary Dear Blog

My blog is one year old today. Such a milestone in blogland. I hope it will continue to be a place I can talk and be myself.

Do you ever find yourself comparing yourself to others, or attempting to live up to a mythical ideal? — from Kindlings

All the time! I don’t know why I do it, but I see things in people around me, and reading in other’s blogs and I try to see if I live up to that, where do I compare to them and how can I be like that. There is always a mythical ideal that I see as the ideal, perfect way things could be. I know it will never be that way. It still doesn’t stop me from wondering what it would be like to live a certain way or strive to behave another way.

Doesn’t hurt to dream, now does it?

–luna

Slave Mindset

How do you maintain your focus? Do you have a specific ‘slave mindset’ you strive for? – from Kindlings

This is actually a huge challenge for me. I’m terrible at maintaining my focus and staying within that happy sub mind that I enjoy being in. Sometimes I think that that sort of mindset is impossible for me and other times I know that is a goal I will reach one day. I guess it’s all a matter of how I see the world. My Master is very patient and loving to me, he’s also young and still very flexible with how he wants things. My life has been pretty easy as far as from what I’ve read in other blogs and glimpses of life in other D/s households. I know that one day he will set exactly how he would like things, and perhaps that will come as he matures and ages.

I have no set training, nothing that I am working on, on a regular basis. Sometimes I think that is not really my Master’s way. He’s more likely to suggest something he’d like to see happen and then its up to me to make it happen and work myself into that state of service or behavior. I have rules I follow, and occasionally we add to that list, however it’s not solid yet as to what new rules we’ve discussed are on that list. I don’t have any way of just posting my rules, as they are constantly changing and are flexible in a way that I guess I feel like a child that if I wiggle my way around him just right I can get out of it.

Oddly enough I crave some punishment, however I don’t take punishment well. We tried this at the very beginning and I really went ballistic. Yet, when I read blogs like The Punishment Book I actually crave something within them. I’m not sure what exactly… perhaps it’s the swiftness that the girls there are punished, they get into trouble and immediately they know it and are spanked, OTK or lately there has been some soap in the mouth (ick). Maybe then it’s not the punishemnt I crave but the firmness the control they have in their relationships has. I don’t really know if I would like a super firm hand, but I know I get away with way too much. No wonder my independence is so strong still. I’ve not had to work at getting it removed from my ass!

Can I be in a slave mindset? It is possible. Do I want it? Yes, I really do. I feel at peace just thinking about it. I don’t know if it’s possible in this relationship, as it is though. We would have to do some real changing.

It’s not just me that needs to change. Master constantly says that he doesn’t have anyone to talk to, doesnt’ like opening up, and can’t stand to read long essays where he might find some inspiration, knowledge of different ways of doing things. I don’t doubt that Master could develop a strong firm mindset that would compliment what I would like to have within my own mindset.

I’m not asking for immediate change. I don’t even know if it’s possible to change so swiftly, I just want to enhance our relationship, I know what kind of relationship I’d like to strive for but I can’t be done one sided. I have things to learn, I must grow, but so should Master.

A slave mindset is possible, not now, but not never. It is a goal, and a good goal I think. I want to feel at peace and happy with my service to Master. Always and forever.

–luna

Working out and feeling healthy

Are you required to work out or keep in shape? Is that something closely monitored by your Master/Owner, or is that an area in which you are expected to be proactive? –from Kindlings

While this is a really old Kindlings prompt, I felt it fit into my current submissive life. I am working on loosing weight and getting healthy so that I can live to be a wonderfully happy and fit submissive for Master for many many years to come. If you’d like to know how my diet is going, see my diet blog Recreating Me. I’m doing pretty good I think.

So, to answer the question from Kindlings, yes I am required to work out and keep in shape as well as diet. It isn’t closely monitored by Master but he has one thing he makes sure I remember. I can not quit. It’s just not allowed. I have to exercise 3 times a week for at least a half hour and to make sure I’m entering my food intake into my food diary.

I’ve not been punished for failing at anything diet or exercise wise, even though I asked for him to be very strict about my exercise and dole out punishment if I skip a required day. I think he doesn’t want to make me hate it. Now, it’s not like I love it, it’s just something… to do.

On a more personal front, I’ve not felt too submissive lately and when I do it’s mostly in a sexual nature. I am hoping that this will change when I get the stress of finals week off my chest. I know that one can’t feel submissive all the time. I know that as long as I make Master happy and fulfill his every wish as best as possible, that I will be an even better submissive for him when I feel completely filled with the submissive heart.

Do Dominants ever feel this way? How do they continue with what is necessary for the power exchange relationship even when they don’t feel it?

–luna