November 2005

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"Pulling teeth"

Master caught my cold. I know it was inevitable but he feels miserable now and I feel bad because he has a lot of work to do. it’s hard to concentrate on what he should be doing and I will do whatever I can to help him concentrate.

My Spanish paper is coming along, slowly. I’m at the more difficult portion and then I can conclude and say I’m done. I hope to have it done tomorrow. Thank god. I’m sitting here in the lab not wanting to do it. It’s almost as bad as pulling teeth.

I have another job as well, I should be starting that this weekend. Hopefully I will be able to devote a bit of time on it as I have only the one week left of school.

More later…


Another lesson

I was kinda a bad girl last night. Law and Order SVU was on till midnight. My bedtime is 11:30. Well, 11:30 came around and I got whinny and refused to go to bed, saying I was old enough to stay up later and I really wanted to see the end of this show and he wanted to assert his Dominance. I wouldn’t have any of it. I stayed up, he got very upset and as my punishment, which now I am thankful it was so lenient… I went to bed without him tucking me in. It’s not as easy as you think. He has tucked me in every night and to go to bed without his good night kiss was unsettling. Sadly I can’t say I wouldn’t do it again. I’m such a rotten person. I need to just take his word and go to bed. He’s happier that way, we move closer together.


Why do I do this to myself? Why can’t I just take his rules as best for me and obey?



Cramps have made me all of a sudden wish I wasn’t born a girl, oiy! They have attacked with a vengeance this month, probably making up for the past 2 months where I didn’t have any warning whatsoever that TOM was coming. It’s almost time to dig out the heating pad and midol!

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I have a nice quiet day at home.

Master and I have been praying for an easier Christmas season than we had last year and it seems like in a bit we may be it slightly easier. At least the creditors won’t be banging on our door. I’ve still not had another job since the first one, but my boss assures me he is doing his best to come up with one. We shall see.

I am announcing the opening of my new site: Sensual Service. It’s a female submissives community. It will take work and dedication to see it off the ground, but I hope I have ladies posting and joining shortly to help get things started. I haven’t worked out all the bugs and the admin section for me isn’t complete, but hey I have access to the database for that in the meantime. Shouldn’t take more than another 8 hours of coding to get it all done. Come check it out today!


Happy Thanksgiving!

Just wishing a Happy Thanksgiving to all my readers!


Master started that question as I sit here staring at a blank page, whinning about not having anything to say. “When you are hungry and you don’t know what to eat, do you then go on not eating indefinitely?” And so I sit here… because even though I don’t have anything to say, I will still post. It was the point of his hypothetical question…

How does love impact your service/slavery to another? – From Kindlings

I found this wonderful question on Kindlings and it has caused me to think. How much thinking I may actually do on it is another story. I’m more of a think and write person.

I know that love impacts my service to Master. I recognized it from the start that there was something different between He and I that never existed between my other play partners. That connection, the magnetic bond that surpasses the play, the conversation, the quiet time after sex. It is love. Within that love there are strengths and weaknesses. Things to overcome and things to repress. I realize that is very cryptic. I will do my best to explain myself.

The strength of our love keeps us alive when things are hard. I serve Master because I love him, but I don’t know how different that service would be if I didn’t. I can’t see a separation between the two. I strive to do all I can for him, and make him happy because I love him. I do not believe I could be in a dynamic where love did not exist in the same circumstances that I see others that serve where passionate love does not exist. I do not have the experience, and so I will not judge one way or another. The strength of our love, I feel, helps bring us out of our shells and reveals the true persons we are underneath.

Love has it’s weaknesses too. Our love is shadowed by my past, which for some reason I have problems forgetting. Comparisons are inevitable, but my failure is that I voice them. And then I regret. This I need to overcome. I also feel that when it comes to punishment love can cloud judgement and hinder whether or not Master punishes me. Sometimes I really need the discipline, almost begging for it. Other times I deserve it. Master hesitates and forgets it altogether occasionally. I’m not sure if this would be easier if love were not in the equation as I only have past experience to reflect on.

We both have things we need to overcome. Master has a huge jealous streak and is very possessive. For that I like, it’s a comfort that he wants me all to himself. I do know that relaxing the jealousy though may open up friendships he didn’t know existed. Insecurity issues I think. Ones that I can only be there for, and show him that he’s just as important to me as I am to him. I need to overcome my independent streak and show him that I can submit and will be his girl perfect to his wishes… one day. I also have a big issue of letting go during play. Because I care if Master is enjoying himself I find I am not letting myself relax and enjoy things, thus not reaching heights I used to reach with play partners in the past. I have slowly begun to find a happy place that is different with Master than any others. It’s peaceful and joyful and wonderful and I hope to bring myself deeper and know that “out there” Master is having a wonderful time. He did express his opinion about my worries for his enjoyment and he said, “Let me worry about it.” So I will.

Our love brings out things I need to repress. Master’s possessive streak makes him really hate my exhibitionist nature. Because of my love for him, I must work on repressing it in public and letting it out here at home. I can be his little show girl, I know it. He already calls me a tease, and I love teasing. I’m sure he could be encouraged with more than I am doing now.

So does love affect my service to Master. Sure it does, I serve him on a deeper level, with more understanding and attention to the emotions, effects and challenges it brings. Power seems deeper, closeness is just a physical state, but I feel so into Master that I know with a bit of attention I can anticipate his needs and desires. Yes, I know I can.


Focus Blurred

I submit. I don’t do it for vanity or pride, I do it because I need to, I want to and it brings out the inner strength in me. I am not submissive in any other situation other than ones involving Master. I find myself extremely strong-willed and independent. Master says that he likes that in me. It means that I don’t have to be micromanaged. What if there are cases where I’d like to be micromanaged? How do I present myself, prepare myself for surrender and then achieve the tight control the management would require? I don’t try hard enough to change and improve for him. I am too focused on things that may not improve myself in the long run. I need to be better for Him, I need to find focus.

I realize this all seems random, sometimes my mind does this to me. All I feel like doing it pouring it out and sorting it later. I know that Master reads these and perhaps he will understand it better than I can.

There are days like today where I find I have a bit of extra time on my hands and I don’t know what to do with myself, my mind runs though the idealist view of the life I want and I try to find ways I can make things happen. When I first met Master, he seemed too young to know what to do. He has since proved me wrong, and for that I am grateful. Have I grown? Can I change more for him? Yes, I know I can. I just have to find that focus.

The submissive site that I have been talking about is scheduled to be debuted December 1st. I am hoping to have a few banners so that anyone that wants to can spread the news. It will be a community effort and I hope someday will be worth visiting again and again. Work and long hours of dedication are at hand. Anyone that wants to help me, please feel free to chime in.

Would you want to be trained (in whatever areas applied) by someone who you were not owned by? Why or why not? In what areas? – from Kindlings

Now this is an interesting thought… yes, there are areas that I would like to be trained in that I could learn from someone other than my Master. I think that the art of dinner service or hostessing would be an elegant way of showing my love and respect to my Master, but I would have to go elsewhere to learn it. I would be willing to learn from someone else if it were allowed, but I feel that it would not be. I am always looking for ways I can improving my service to Master.


Countdown to finals

I began preparing my final papers today. They are going to take me all of Thankgiving break I think. Most people will be off with relatives and friends, but Master and I are spending the holiday here at home, just enjoying each other’s company and working probably.

I think our coffeepot has died. I can’t afford to get another one for at least a week and I don’t know how Master will survive without his addiction of choice. I guess I will have to see if I can make it work at least half way. It’s been stuck at half a pot brewed for a half hour now and just gurgles every now and again. It’s cheap so not like I didn’t expect it.

We’ve had a bout of bad luck with the bank again… ugh. I hope I can fix the problem on Monday morning before my music exam. Prayers and crossed fingers please.

I’ve lost 15 lbs. total so far on my lifechange and I’m feeling good about that! If you want to follow me in my diet journey, go to Recreating Me.

I am almost done with the Submissive Community site I have been promising for weeks/months. I am working on the Administration section of it and then it will be open for business. I’m hoping to get the word out about it, but don’t know how well it will grow since it depends on people volunteering essays. We will have to see.


Cold, cold and a cold

From the flu to a cold I go. I woke yesterday not feeling myself and low and behold… I have a cold. I just can’t say I like this one bit! I’d like to say it’s unfair, but when there is no control over the outcome I will just have to try and get better quickly.

It’s officially winter, we have had our first snow that is still sticking around. The wind has been terrible and I can’t say whether or not my cold is just the effects of the sudden change in weather patterns. Either way…. the winter is here.

My play time with Master was lovely and I think I got the closest to space that I have yet with him. It was wonderful and look forward to more when I’m well. I could have only hoped to keep my good feelings longer before my cold took over.

Tuesday begins Thanksgiving break. I can’t wait for the time off from school to do….. my research paper? Yeah, I know what you are thinking, it’s a holiday you shouldn’t be working but I don’t see any other opportune time to do it. We will both be home, sharing the time together, I might as well get some work done. I know that Master isn’t going to take more than a day off as he’s English and Thanksgiving is an American thing.


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