Master started that question as I sit here staring at a blank page, whinning about not having anything to say. “When you are hungry and you don’t know what to eat, do you then go on not eating indefinitely?” And so I sit here… because even though I don’t have anything to say, I will still post. It was the point of his hypothetical question…
How does love impact your service/slavery to another? – From Kindlings
I found this wonderful question on Kindlings and it has caused me to think. How much thinking I may actually do on it is another story. I’m more of a think and write person.
I know that love impacts my service to Master. I recognized it from the start that there was something different between He and I that never existed between my other play partners. That connection, the magnetic bond that surpasses the play, the conversation, the quiet time after sex. It is love. Within that love there are strengths and weaknesses. Things to overcome and things to repress. I realize that is very cryptic. I will do my best to explain myself.
The strength of our love keeps us alive when things are hard. I serve Master because I love him, but I don’t know how different that service would be if I didn’t. I can’t see a separation between the two. I strive to do all I can for him, and make him happy because I love him. I do not believe I could be in a dynamic where love did not exist in the same circumstances that I see others that serve where passionate love does not exist. I do not have the experience, and so I will not judge one way or another. The strength of our love, I feel, helps bring us out of our shells and reveals the true persons we are underneath.
Love has it’s weaknesses too. Our love is shadowed by my past, which for some reason I have problems forgetting. Comparisons are inevitable, but my failure is that I voice them. And then I regret. This I need to overcome. I also feel that when it comes to punishment love can cloud judgement and hinder whether or not Master punishes me. Sometimes I really need the discipline, almost begging for it. Other times I deserve it. Master hesitates and forgets it altogether occasionally. I’m not sure if this would be easier if love were not in the equation as I only have past experience to reflect on.
We both have things we need to overcome. Master has a huge jealous streak and is very possessive. For that I like, it’s a comfort that he wants me all to himself. I do know that relaxing the jealousy though may open up friendships he didn’t know existed. Insecurity issues I think. Ones that I can only be there for, and show him that he’s just as important to me as I am to him. I need to overcome my independent streak and show him that I can submit and will be his girl perfect to his wishes… one day. I also have a big issue of letting go during play. Because I care if Master is enjoying himself I find I am not letting myself relax and enjoy things, thus not reaching heights I used to reach with play partners in the past. I have slowly begun to find a happy place that is different with Master than any others. It’s peaceful and joyful and wonderful and I hope to bring myself deeper and know that “out there” Master is having a wonderful time. He did express his opinion about my worries for his enjoyment and he said, “Let me worry about it.” So I will.
Our love brings out things I need to repress. Master’s possessive streak makes him really hate my exhibitionist nature. Because of my love for him, I must work on repressing it in public and letting it out here at home. I can be his little show girl, I know it. He already calls me a tease, and I love teasing. I’m sure he could be encouraged with more than I am doing now.
So does love affect my service to Master. Sure it does, I serve him on a deeper level, with more understanding and attention to the emotions, effects and challenges it brings. Power seems deeper, closeness is just a physical state, but I feel so into Master that I know with a bit of attention I can anticipate his needs and desires. Yes, I know I can.