Monthly Archives: October 2005

Happy Halloween Everyone!

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I hope everyone has a wonderful and haunting Halloween.

Saturday was a fun Halloween party for the local munch group. Master and I had a great time and saw some fun demos. There was a violet wand demo, and I know Master really wants a kit. Someday we will make enough for it. There was also a single tail demo that was fun to watch as well.

I got some henna done on my right arm as well. It looks like a lace cuff and I love it. I Hope I can maintain it to keep it the 1-3 weeks that it’s supposed to last. It took about an hour to do and only $10. :)

–luna

Forgotten

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While it may look like I have forgotten to post to this blog countless times, or that you are cheated with a short “informational” post, I’d like to let you know that I haven’t forgotten about you.

**These are not wholly my thoughts, but the ones discussed in a group function last night. Take them or leave them as you wish.**

Last night was my D/s Forums for the group I’m a participant. The submissive topic that we discussed was personal responsibility. There are a few points that were interesting to discuss. “The Doormat Submissive” was one of them. While this descriptive gets a lot of interpretations, the one we choose last night seems to fit. This submissive believes that his or her life and role in the relationship should be passive, that their thoughts and opinions don’t matter nor should they be voiced. This type of submissive, from our talk, holds the Dominant higher than a human (closer to god-like we discussed) and holds no responsibility for his or herself. The one slave within our group said that while we emphasize on submissive’s behavior, there are slaves just like this as well.

Another thing we talked about was the definition of consensual and voluntary. I feel these are very important terms when you begin your life as a submissive. I’m not going to give a speech about what consensual is, most, if not all, people have an idea what they consider consensual. What I’d like to add though is that we discussed that the two people in the relationship should have the same interpretation of the word for the roles they assume to work right. Voluntary is a bit different. Not many really understood what voluntary was within our discussion. Voluntary is not just that you choose to do it/be it but that there was no viable option. It’s within this last part that they seemed confused but look at it this way. You can volunteer for an event, and carry it out, but did you have to do it? You could have chosen to not participate. However to be voluntary is that you choose a certain path because you couldn’t see yourself doing/being anything else. I hear a lot of the time with the people I hang out with in the lifestyle, “I just can’t be anything else, I am Dominant/submissive and that’s just what I want to be.”

On a side, those that ceremoniously or not, leave the lifestyle (we see it a lot online in blogs) aren’t opting out from the lifestyle. I see it as they found a viable option to explore. That doesn’t mean that they have stopped being Dominant or submissive, but that the voluntary effort turned elsewhere. Granted that is not the only reason people leave the lifestyle, and I’m not grouping them all together, nor intending on making a group assumption, but this is one way of thinking about it without thinking they have abandoned the lifestyle.

I found a short essay online, one that worked wonderfully to put out a point and to center the forums last night on the topic at hand. The web address is: http://members.fortunecity.com/chezmoi/sub.html and this is what the submissive had to say (spelling and grammar has not been corrected):

On being a submissive ~ A few words from the heart…The word “submissive” describes your nature and in no way diminishes you as a human being. While it places many responsibilities on the Dominant, it does not in any way diminish yours.
Your responsibility for your choices, for your health, for your well~being. You are also an active partner in the relationship you enter~ you are submissive, not passive.Furthermore, being submissive does not necessarily mean agreeing with everything the Dominant says or does. It does mean obeying it, unless there is a very valid reason not to. You do have the right to express your feelings, your concerns, your thoughts~ a good Dominant will always listen, though not He or She will not necessarily agree.

There is no ‘check~list’ on how to be a smart submissive. The ideas below are thoughts i gathered from Dominants as well as submissives, they are highly recommended to follow when engaging in an Rt D/s relationship or when moving from a Vt one to an Rt one.

BDSM is not a democracy by any means or stretch of the imagination… submission means giving over yourself, your rights, your desires to another… it is a gift… make sure it is given to a responsible person… not some fly by night dominant who can not deal with it… Being a dominant is an awesome responsibility that most honestly are ill equiped to handle… you the submissive, have to take responsibility for your own actions in chosing the appropriate dominant…if you do not take the time to get to know the dominant, throwing yourself blindly at the dominant, professing your undying devotion and giving yourself to them, without taking the time to know whether that person is right for you, then you have only yourself to blame.

But the bottom line for you should always be to follow your heart ~ if something does not feel right, don’t do it, and if something does, make sure you can try it without taking any unecessary risks. Listen to your heart and to your insticnts ~ and they will not lead you astray.

Thank you for listening.

–luna

Uneventful event

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My birthday yesterday went well. Master did my chores for the day so I didn’t have any to do. Isn’t that great? We didn’t do anything special, except an unceremonious pull over the knee for my 28 spankings.

Got a lot of work to do for class and hopefully I will get my next job for work. We really need the money about now.

-luna

A Bit of Depression

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I’m in a battle right now of emotions, worries and stresses. I hate getting depressed and well I don’t know anyone who really does. I’ve put my diet on hold while I get my mental state back in check. I just don’t need the added stress. I’m still exercising at the gym just not as hard.

I have this paper due at the end of the semester that is already causing me some stress because I just don’t feel the need or desire to start it yet, but I’d rather have most of it done by Thanksgiving break so that afterward I’m not so pushed to the end. I just need to sit down and do some of it. I’m not sure I can right now, I really can only concentrate for 20 min at a time.

Master has been so helpful and just is there for me when I need him. I have never felt so comforted.

–luna

I Have Moved!

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Please note the new address for the blog, if you clicked on a link from elsewhere, you have been redirected here for the time being. When the domain luna.kinkygroups.com disappears, you will no longer be redirected. Please update and change your links to the new address http://www.the-iron-gate.com/luna/ivytrellis.html Thank you!

–luna

Moving Blog

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This is just a notice to let you know that I will be moving my blog within the next few days. My domain has expired and I will be moving it to http://www.the-iron-gate.com domain. Stay tuned for more information when I have it.

–luna

Stress

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I always need reassurance and Master has been giving me a lot. I’m super stressed lately and a bit ragged with homework. I’m not really sure what to share here as my mind isn’t very organized right now. I have thoughts running through my mind and none of them have any steady staying. I’m not feeling well, I’m not working hard on my diet and only Master knows just how stressed I am right now. He’s had to stop what he’s doing and give me attention, just a hug or kiss or touch to sitting with me for awhile. I’ve been so grateful to have him around lately. I hope this stress ends soon.

–luna

Obscenity Crackdown Info from NCSF

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National Coalition for Sexual Freedom

Contact:
Susan Wright, NCSF Spokesperson
(917) 848-6544

Wave of Obscenity Prosecutions Leads to Closure and Self-Censorship of SM Websites

October 20, 2005 – Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has announced that his office will specifically target “bestiality, urination, defecation, as well as
sadistic and masochistic behavior” in pursuing new obscenity prosecutions. The Department of Justice began recruiting in late July for a new anti-obscenity squad to pursue obscenity prosecutions, and the FBI announced in September that it was forming an anti-obscenity task force to crack down on pornography.

Any website that has content containing “bestiality, urination, defecation, as well as sadistic and masochistic behavior” should be forewarned that prosecution is possible. Additionally, Federal sentencing guidelines state that any obscenity-related punishment should be “enhanced for sadomasochistic material.”

Forty people and businesses have been convicted of obscenity since 2001, and 20 additional indictments are pending according to Andrew Oosterbaan, chief of the Justice Department’s child exploitation and obscenity section. There were only four obscenity prosecutions during the eight years of the Clinton administration.

Though adult content is, in theory, protected by the First Amendment, only a jury can determine if a work is obscene or not under the subjective set of standards that vary from one community to the next established in the 1973 Supreme Court ruling, Miller v. California.

Text is not inherently more protected than images when it comes to obscenity charges. The erotic fiction website Red Rose Stories is facing obscenity charges after federal agents raided the owner’s home on October 3rd, taking computer equipment and diskettes that contained all of their files and site information.

The Department of Justice is clearly hoping that websites will self-censor or remove their content entirely. Midori, a fetish model and SM educator who teaches classes on bondage, has removed her website, BeautyBound.com, citing
fear of obscenity prosecution. The owner of three SM websites, known as GrandPa DeSade, removed his websites from the Internet. SuicideGirls.com also announced they are self-censoring their materials over concerns about a possible obscenity crackdown.

Recent prosecutions of obscenity on websites include: A former police officer in Lakeland, Florida, was arrested on October 7th on over 300 obscenity-related charges for the sexual content posted on his website. The same day, webmaster Chris Wilson, owner of amateur website NowThatsFuckedUp.com, was raided on charges of obscenity by a local Sheriffs office.

“I think it’s crucial for us to stand up for consensual sadomasochism and other alternative sexual practices,” says Barbara Nitke, fetish photographer. “This is a battle worth fighting, and I hope everyone who can will just censor out the most provocative material from their websites, but keep them up. I also appeal to the lawyers in our community to help us find ways to keep people’s websites up.”

Barbara Nitke and the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) have
proactively challenged federal obscenity laws as applied to the Internet, arguing
that obscenity laws based on “local community standards” are too vague and
their existence burdens protected speech, resulting in self-censorship due to
the fear of prosecution. A district court three-judge panel in New York ruled that while Nitke and the NCSF members were at risk, more proof was needed that obscenity laws cause otherwise protected speech to be restrained through acts of self-censorship. The case is currently on appeal to the United States Supreme Court.

“The effect of silencing alternative lifestyle speech was exactly why we brought the lawsuit,” says attorney John Wirenius, lead counsel for NCSF. “The self-censorship we are seeing underscores the importance of supporting our ongoing obscenity challenge.”

To contribute to the appeal of the CDA lawsuit, go to:
www.ncsfreedom.org/donations.htm

National Coalition for Sexual Freedom – www.ncsfreedom.org
Barbara Nitke – www.barbaranitke.com

How do you grow a money tree?

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As my rules state, I have to be forthcoming with all worries and troubles so that Master can take care of me and know what my mind is thinking throughout the day. Today my mind is stuck on money, or the lack thereof. We have things lined up that will pay out sooner or later, but in the immediate future there are things we have to do that we just can’t afford. I don’t know how I’m going to tell my friends in my groups that I can’t attend what I normally run every month. I can hope that I will have some money before next weekend, that would be a lifesaver. I hate living so poorly. Living paycheck to paycheck is the life of a freelancer.

I don’t like asking for help either but I find that there may be no choice but to see if I can take out a small loan from my father, who up until now has always said no save once. I have a job now, and that might be my saving grace. He knows I will work to pay him back for it. I guess I can try to contact him tonight if I feel needy enough.

I know Master gets tired of hearing that I am worried about money. Whenever I bring it up, he shuts down and I really can’t talk about it. I have learned the best way to still let him know I am worried is through this blog, because I’m not making him read it, he doesn’t have to read it all when he gets to it and then he can just shut it off instead of glazing over when I speak to him face to face. I know he is working hard to keep a roof over our head and food in our mouth. I know that I haven’t received my first job yet, and I am still waiting on that. I will get half down when the job is ready. I can only hope that it is speedy.

I really hate writing about our lack of finances in this blog, I don’t want people’s pity. I’d much rather be talking about the love and play that Master and I get small chance of doing. Like last night, it was so heavenly to just sit in his arms after getting home and watch tv with him. He told me he missed me and held me close throughout the rest of the movie. I love this man. I want more times like this. I don’t want to stress over money or work all the time, I don’t want to work so hard that we never get to spend time together, life can be so much better than this. I know it can.

–luna

Might have a job

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Well, so my boss has a job lined up that I’ll get by the end of the week! Yay, I will finally be getting some money.

OH and just a little aside… my birthday is next Monday. What’s everyoen going to get me?

–luna

Reflection in the Mirror

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Today I as awoke I had the feeling that I needed to take inventory on my life and the direction it’s going. I am unsure why, but I find myself thinking about it more often now that I am almost done with school and Master has regular jobs (although the payments for said jobs are few and far between).

I’ve been working on dieting. I sure hate to call it dieting. A diet to me is something short term that you will eventually stop doing and resume your daily life. This is more of a life change for me. I have never had the energy or desire to do this before even though I knew I should. I began dieting the last week of September, as of today I will begin my lifechange. I must convert my eating habits into regular ways of thinking and eating. I want to be healthy, I want to loose weight and I want to be more active. These are all goals, that at the moment, while exciting, seem so far away. This last week I strayed quite a bit from my 1800 cal. a day to get to almost 2000. I have read on more than one occasion that to loose weight safely you need to cut/burn 500 cal. a day. From my normal intake that would be dropping it to 1800. I have to work harder on achieving this. I am finding it too easy to cloud my judgment and just eat that extra sausage patty or fill my plate without any veggies. This has to stop. I have to remind myself of my goal. I want to loose 15 lbs. by Christmas. Yes, I know that holidays are difficult, but they are less difficult if you are going nowhere and not seeing any family. I am in control of purchasing food, and there will be less sweets in this house. My exercise routine is coming along. I really enjoy going to the gym with my friend and I hope we can find a time that matches both of us next semester to do it again. I am however at a loss at home exercise. I really don’t enjoy the few tapes I have. I have the need to exercise, so I’m going to try to find a chart of a full body workout (at home) that I can do during commercials on the tv and for short times throughout the day. The more calories I’m able to burn the better for me. Besides, I can’t say no to more muscle More muscle = more calories burned + higher metabolism. Last week’s goal was to get the water intake up. While it isn’t as high as I want it (7 or more glasses a day) I am regularly reaching 6 glasses a day and that makes me happy. I will continue to work on that this week. My new goal is to watch my calories again. I have to stay under 1800 to loose the weight I want to.

School is going well. I have a big research project I want to get started on, as I hate putting things off to the last minute. I am going to stay on campus 2 days this week to work on getting information and figuring out just how to lay out this paper. I have also come to the decision that I need to relax more when it comes to homework. I am needing breaks more often because I am just stressed to the gills about the amout and difficulty level of most of my homework that then I am exhausted and irritable and that affects the way I am around Master. While I have yet to actually skip a class, I have a terribel urge to do it and find out the punishment that would be waiting here at home if I did. I have just one semester left and then I will have my degree. A degree that I really don’t know what to do with. I never went to school with a career goal in mind. I went because I wanted to learn, I wanted to be the first in my family to have one and I wanted to get out of the poverty class and into middle class. I’m so tired of being poor. This degree can be a lifeline to better wages and a happier life if I deal my cards right.

Master is signing a contract with his work today to take on more regular work. He will be receiving as payment 15% of the company’s profits each month. I hope that will help us in the long run with the money issues we seem to constantly have anymore. I also work for this company, on a lower scale, and am looking forward to the next job to land on my desk. I’ve had the itch to work.

In fact, I have designed another website that will benefit submissive women, when I get it going. Angel had the idea when we were chatting and I took the ball and ran with it. I hope she will like the results. I’m counting on submissives and slaves from all over to contribute to the site, or it will never get off the ground. It will be a community someday. I just have to find the right mix of resources and interaction with users. I hope to have the site done, barring other things end of next month. The domain I want is available, if anyone wants to give me an early Christmas present (cheeky grin) The domain costs $9.00 and you can send it to my paypal account. Heh. Oh, and since I know Angel reads my blog, here’s what I have so far for the website. I’m having a blast coding it, but now I’m in for the hard parts and I kinda just stare at the screen dreading the difficulty of it.

I’ve seen online news about the FBI cracking down on sexually explicit and obscene websites. I believe, from what I read they are raiding and shutting down sites all over, and they have an item or goal as it were, that may affect me if they find the sites I do offensive. They want to remove sites that feature or promote SM activity. I find this a silly endeavor, that the US thinks they can police the website, which is international, with their beliefs and thoughts on what is offensive and what isn’t. I will be watching the news on this one. If anyone sees news about this, I’d love to get it in my mailbox.

I’m giving a BDSM presentation once again for the Human Sexuality class on campus next month. I do hope that what I present will again provide awareness to the class about who we are and that we are normal (if not slightly more healthy) than the average jill and joe. I am currently looking for partners to come with me, but being that I just announced it to the groups I’m in this past week, It’s early yet. I have a Power Point Presentation that I use. I’m thinking of reworking it, but heck, I’ve used it 4 times now and no one has said they didn’t like it. I’ll have to see.

I’ve not been working as hard as I could on the new rules that I have set for me. I know it is beginning to irritate Master and perhaps it is time to reprimand me, scold me or something. I’m suppose to call him Master with every question, answer, request and reply respectfully all other times. I am finding that I do it as an afterthought or not at all, and I still get caught calling him lovey dovey names like baby and sweetie too many times. Perhaps the only way to get it in my head is through stern punishments.

–luna

Senioritis

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If you don’t know what Senoritis is, then you’ve never had it. I’m suffering big time with the blahs about school, the desire to just bail out and quit and the dislike of homework. I swear I’d like to just do nothing now but I can’t. I’m half way through this semester with another yet to go. I can see the end coming, I really can. I just can’t wait for it. I want it here now!

–luna

Human Sundae

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Alright, what you have been waiting for, my anniversary fun this last Friday. (It’s only a portion of it, but the rest is saved for private memories:) )

A fantasy was fulfilled tonight. For our anniversary I was laid upon our kitchen table and slathered with sundae toppings! Strawberry sauce, caramel and hot fudge drizzled all over my breasts and stomach. I was so excited, as I’ve always wanted to do this. Master was really enjoying it as well. He placed spoons of ice cream (chocolate and vanilla) on me, and I shivered as it melted and dripped down my sides. The whipped cream was fun to play with too. Interestingly enough, Master took one of the bananas and rolled a condom on it and well… I became a banana split! Heehee. Then the fun part, Master began to open the banana and took a bite while it was till in my pussy. Mmmm. He licked and licked the sundae toppings from my body, getting every single bit so that I was just a sensitive, sticky, sensuous feeling submissive on the table. I was a bowl of jelly inside it was so good.

Then I was ordered off the table. It was my turn for dessert! I applied whipped cream, caramel and hot fudge to Master’s cock and savored my sweet sticky dessert as well. God it was all like a dream and so wonderful. Even the after fun bath was delicious.

–luna

Celebrate!

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I have reached my Halloween goal of 10 lbs. lost! (In fact I lost 12.5) Let’s all celebrate as I set a new goal for the 3 weeks I still have till Halloween (15 lbs. total or 2.5 more) I’m so excited. I don’t feel smaller, but this is just the beginning! Boy it’s great to say goodbye to so much heavy misery.

Start: 342 lbs
Now: 328.5 lbs
Goal: 200 lbs (End of 2006)

This week's goals

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Ok, this is going to be a utilitarian post, as I have a wonderful scene to share from our anniversary but I’m just not ready to let everyone know about it, so hold your pants on!

First, I am slipping with my diet. I’m still staying within the desired range of calories each day, but I’m always on the high end. I need to eat more veggies, drink more water and get out and walk/exercise more. I’d like to set a goal this week of making sure I get the 6-8 glasses (the top end would be best) every single day if it means I’m drowning in water at night because I forgot all day. I go back to the gym tomorrow and I’m going to see if I can push myself just a tiny bit more, always working in baby steps. I’d hate to hurt myself.

Next, I’m at the point at school where I’d just like to be done. Senoritis has hit me hard and I just see all this work I have to do and (scream silently) ignore it. I have to actually force myself to sit down and do my homework so that I don’t fall behind. I just have to stick it out one more semester after this and I can say bubye to college and *yikes* hello to life out there. Gotta push myself to work harder this week, It’s midterm!

Lastly, Master and I have been enjoying a second honeymoon of sorts. It’s not really been full of sex as I had thought, but whenever our eyes meet I get all gooseflesh and can’t help but enjoy his gaze. I hope this feeling lasts awhile, I’m loving it.

–luna

One Year Ago…

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One year ago, I was waiting at the airport, my heart in my throat, nerves running jolts through my body. I was scared too, fearful that we wouldn’t be compatible once we saw one another. But as I looked up to see him coming down the stairs to the waiting area my heart stopped. His handsome face looked upon mine and I just knew that we were going to be together. Since that moment, I have never doubted that we made the right choice to become one entity, Dominant and submissive; to work towards that perfect relationship we were both looking for. Now perfection does not come easily. There have been bumps in the road, we have had to struggle with life and our roles. We have gone from complete novices to beginners and I think we will stay in this learning stage for a while yet, it’s a growth stage that will bring us closer to our idea of perfection.

Everyday I wake to find Master curled up next to me, and his warmth is my comfort, his sleeping face is so beautiful and it causes swells of love in my heart. I love this man more completely now than I thought I could love anyone. I work to give him piece after piece of myself, to surrender the ultimate gift of devotion and I know he will care for me always. In this knowledge I work to better myself for him, free myself from fear, doubt, independence in some cases, and offer all my trust in him everyday.

Every day that passes I think I have been blessed, that Someone “up there” cares what happens to me and has given me someone to walk with, care for, serve completely and to love. We walk the same path even now and the sunset only gets more brilliant, the stars more glorious and the evening eternal.

While we may think we don’t have enough of some things, or that our dreams are out of reach for the moment, the fact that we are dreaming drives us to become more, live more richly and enjoy each other’s company with every breath. The dream continues to be lived every day.

Although from the accounts in my blog, you know that there are times when we struggle, times when I doubt myself, and others were distance is evident, it never severs the bond we have, we always come back to each other. We learn, grow, and dream together. Our hearts continue to beat the same rhythm.

We are still young in love and life, we still have so much to explore, so much time to spend in each other’s arms. This future, this lifestyle, this love will continue to feed our dreams and hopes. I feel our love will strengthen as it has done this past year. And that bond we have will only bring us closer to that perfection we seek for ourselves.

Master,
I love you more now than I ever thought possible. Although I sometimes frustrate you, I willingly give you all that I am. The good and the bad is there in front of you, you have accepted me as I am, never asking me to change only to grow and learn. Continue to be my love, my passion, my Master. Let me forever brighten your long work-filled days, and tease and tempt your passions at night. I wish to only serve you, as you desire. Devoted to your love, always.

–luna

Working again

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Since Monday I have been working again. I was hired by Master’s boss to do pretty much the same thing Master does, but on a more simple, smaller scale. I get to develop websites! I will finish my first job soon and I feel so fullfilled to be earning money again. It’s been 2 years since my last job. I think I can keep this one going for as long as the money continues. :)

I get to buy another domain with the money from this first job. I’m going to use it to have my resume and portfolio on so that perspective employers will have another avenue when looking for me :) It will be awesome, now to come up with a domain name….

Friday is our anniversary as I’ve said and I keep thinking about how my life has changed since Master entered my life. I’m working on a sweet post for Friday, I know Master will have a wonderful smile on his face after I’m done with it.

–luna

Reflecting…

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I woke today with a really weird feeling. I felt I was forgetting something. I still feel that way but I can’t think what it is. I hope I can figure it out soon. I don’t enjoy the unsettled mind.

I also need to make time to do some cleaning. I just don’t know why I can’t get it done on a more regular basis. It’s not that I enjoy living in a messy house, I’d rather have it clean and comfortable. I wouldn’t even allow visitors over at the moment. Ugh. Maybe I will have some time this week. I don’t foresee a lot of homework.

Reflecting back on a year ago this week, I just can’t believe that I was so nervous. Master arrived on the plane a year ago Friday and it changed my world.

He showed me what it was like to love someone completely, without fear, with all the trust you can hand someone and my heart will be forever his. We will hopefully go out to dinner, but other than that I am unsure what else we may be doing. I think Master will want to play, and I know I would really love that. Playing is more of an event for us anymore rather than regular fare. I don’t know how anyone can just play spontaneously all the time, Master likes to have things mapped and prepared from the beginning. Not that we don’t play on a small scale quite a bit; a little bondage, verbal humiliation (love being Master’s whore) or spanking.

I have been having issues with myself and sex in general lately. I feel that I’m saying no too many times, not allowing him to do what he wants whenever he wants. It has brought me to tears a few times. I battle with myself. Why do I say no, he asks? There are reasons, but there are also the times when the reason is, “I just don’t want to.” Those are the times I cry. Those are the times I feel guilty and horrid little submissive. I don’t know why I do it, I panic maybe, feel uncomfortable? I never thought I would have to figure out why I say no. Two things that I know bother Master is when I say no to anal or oral sex. Why do I have problems with these two areas? In the past I used to love giving blow jobs and wouldn’t ever shy from them without a valid reason. Now I have done it just because I didn’t feel like it. That’s so wrong. Anal sex creeps me out more times than not, but I can’t say I don’t enjoy it once I just let sensation take over. Enemas don’t really help either, with the ick factor for me, it’s still there. And it haunts my ability to say yes.

I want to say yes to Master all the time. I want to learn that it is his will I follow, not my own. Why does it have to take so much time before I surrender this to him? What is holding me back?

–luna