I hear on a daily basis that this person or that person is a natural submissive. These people don’t have to work to feel that quiet place in themselves that helps them feel the need to please and serve others. It’s just a part of who they are. For those people, there are a multitude of essays about how to better themselves and enhance what comes to them easier than others. This essay is for those that feel the desire to be submissive but it just isn’t so easy for them.
I am not a natural submissive. For many people they would say that I am then, not submissive at all. I feel a need to be submissive but it doesn’t come easy for me. I have to make a conscious effort to quiet my opinions, my dominant thoughts and my reflexive actions. Within the vanilla life I live, I have to be independent and dominant. I am pretty good at taking care of myself, for myself sake. But that is not fulfilling to me. I look to the lifestyle to fill the void that I feel when I come home.
When learning about the D/s lifestyle, one finds a division of roles that is mostly defined by personality and natural behavior more than desire and choice. I’m not saying there aren’t sections of the community who would disagree with me on this, just that I feel there is an unspoken marking of people when they are introduced to the lifestyle. When I walked into this lifestyle, my only desire was to feel the submissive in me and enhance my service to others. I felt that this would fill that void in my life. However, if you speak to those that met me first, they will say that I was very dominant in nature and much closer to a Dominant or perhaps a switch and certainly not submissive.
It is a good idea that I discuss, ever so briefly, about the differences in bottom, submissive and slave so that it is understood that I really mean submissive in this essay. A bottom is just that, a submissive type person in a scene or sexual encounter. It does not go outside of that instance. A submissive is someone that wishes or is subordinate in life as well. A slave is one that has voluntarily given over control of every aspect of their life to their dominant partner. I wish for the submissive life.
My challenges of becoming submissive started shortly after I found the lifestyle. After a very dominant role in my previous relationship I had to try and find the part of me willing to let go and allow someone else to control aspects of my life I had taken care of. Inside the bedroom it was easier for me to let go. I found a comfort in allowing the other person to control that part of my life and still find it the easiest place to find my comfort in. I savor being commanded to do things and service my dominant in practically all aspects of bedroom life. My mindset is easily changed when I am in my sexual bonds, within a scene or forced to service my dominant in any manner he sees fit. For me this still is a place I can return to and feel the beginnings of my submissive nature that I know exists.
Outside the bedroom I found strong resistance to even the slightest things like household chores, time restrictions on TV, internet and telephone and fought back with angry words and hateful deeds. According to community leaders and friends that I spoke to, it is not uncommon for a submissive to struggle against changes in routine, control structure, protocol or ritual. It was a relief to know that I am normal. Resistance is a part of learning and growing within yourself and your relationship. In my case, it was dealt with swiftly and treated as a behavior correction. Yet the release of control, the service I could provide, and the pride in work well done is what I desire outside the bedroom/scene almost more strongly than anything. This is where I am now. I am earning rewards for good behavior, for working myself into that submissive state outside the bedroom where I can serve and be fulfilled in my role with my dominant in life, love and the vanilla world.
Only you can know if you truly want to be submissive or if you are by nature. If you desire it, then it can be achieved. It will take hard work and there are setbacks, challenges ahead and internal struggles. But believe me, it’s worth it. So you want to be submissive? Give it a try, work towards your goal and become!
PS: Master believes I have a submissive nature and that I have just repressed it due to my past experiences. I guess I will have to reflect on that more and see what I can see from the inside out.