August 2005

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This morning as I was waiting for my Musical Appreciation class to start I took a moment. Not a big moment, but one that helped me realize that there is time in my life to do the things that I want to do, that I need to to to achieve my goals, and the desire to find myself. Standing there in the hall, I quieted my mind, relaxed my tensions, placed my hands behind my back and just thought about how I could be submissive today. How can I respect my Master and show him, without him here, that I am his submissive and will take care of myself accordingly. I know it seems like a lot of things to think about in the passing minutes before class, but somehow you find the time for you. Within this time I discovered that I was acting just as He would want me to be. I was quiet, not fidgety, reflecting on how to improve and showing him respect by being polite to others in the hall. I felt myself become beautiful (I had done my hair up nice and my makeup looked quite nice today too) and I hoped that it would reflect outwardly that I was feeling good about myself. I walked carefully and quietly to my chair when the doors had opened up and I gracefully took my seat. All these things I did consciously as if Master were in the room and I was behaving this way for him. I hope that in that moment I respected his collar and showed the world that I am loved and love in return.


This is just a head’s up post that I have worked heavily on the “Leader’s Speak” Essay section on the Gate. I added about 80 links to essays written by the more well-written among us. Some very facinating articles and worth a browse if you have a few moments.

I am hoping to put together a BDSM or Adult Internet radio stations page. If you have a favorite station you listen to while online, post it to me and I will look into adding it to the Gate. Thanks!


Homework Galore!

So I come home after a very long first week of classes to figure out what I can do in my free time…. to find a ton of homework on my plate. I hope to get as much of it done on Saturday as possible so that Sunday I can just enjoy myself, relax and do what I want to do, not what I have to do. Tomorrow is a local munch and I am looking forward to that, but homework is taking up a lot of my thoughts right now. I didn’t think I would have it easy this term, but I didn’t expect my first week to be this challenging either. We shall see if it keeps going this way and I just have to jump to a different beat, or if it will slow a bit.

Master has been working hard on things for work so that we can live more comfortably and I know he puts every effort out there when I am not here. I miss being around him as much as I was in the summertime, but I know that every couple needs their private time as well. It will probably improve our relationship more than hinder it. We got a couple new toys that we will be trying out soon as Master has said he would like to play when my period is done. I can’t wait myself. I aught to be a wonderful time.

I added the BDSM myths page to the Iron Gate from my responses during the Blogathon this year. I did some editing, but mostly kept them as is. If you read them and disagree about anything, or want something added, I’d love to hear from you. The replies are just my opinions and never ever to be taken as truth or the only solution/answer. I hope to work on the Gate a bit more this weekend if my homework and time schedule allows it.

I got my new jeans today and am very happy as my last and only pair ripped beyond repair this week. I am thankful to have a couple of pairs to replace them. And if anyone understands the feeling of getting new bras rejoice with me! I so needed them and thank goodness they fit well and I don’t bounce all around.


I hear on a daily basis that this person or that person is a natural submissive. These people don’t have to work to feel that quiet place in themselves that helps them feel the need to please and serve others. It’s just a part of who they are. For those people, there are a multitude of essays about how to better themselves and enhance what comes to them easier than others. This essay is for those that feel the desire to be submissive but it just isn’t so easy for them.

I am not a natural submissive. For many people they would say that I am then, not submissive at all. I feel a need to be submissive but it doesn’t come easy for me. I have to make a conscious effort to quiet my opinions, my dominant thoughts and my reflexive actions. Within the vanilla life I live, I have to be independent and dominant. I am pretty good at taking care of myself, for myself sake. But that is not fulfilling to me. I look to the lifestyle to fill the void that I feel when I come home.

When learning about the D/s lifestyle, one finds a division of roles that is mostly defined by personality and natural behavior more than desire and choice. I’m not saying there aren’t sections of the community who would disagree with me on this, just that I feel there is an unspoken marking of people when they are introduced to the lifestyle. When I walked into this lifestyle, my only desire was to feel the submissive in me and enhance my service to others. I felt that this would fill that void in my life. However, if you speak to those that met me first, they will say that I was very dominant in nature and much closer to a Dominant or perhaps a switch and certainly not submissive.

It is a good idea that I discuss, ever so briefly, about the differences in bottom, submissive and slave so that it is understood that I really mean submissive in this essay. A bottom is just that, a submissive type person in a scene or sexual encounter. It does not go outside of that instance. A submissive is someone that wishes or is subordinate in life as well. A slave is one that has voluntarily given over control of every aspect of their life to their dominant partner. I wish for the submissive life.

My challenges of becoming submissive started shortly after I found the lifestyle. After a very dominant role in my previous relationship I had to try and find the part of me willing to let go and allow someone else to control aspects of my life I had taken care of. Inside the bedroom it was easier for me to let go. I found a comfort in allowing the other person to control that part of my life and still find it the easiest place to find my comfort in. I savor being commanded to do things and service my dominant in practically all aspects of bedroom life. My mindset is easily changed when I am in my sexual bonds, within a scene or forced to service my dominant in any manner he sees fit. For me this still is a place I can return to and feel the beginnings of my submissive nature that I know exists.

Outside the bedroom I found strong resistance to even the slightest things like household chores, time restrictions on TV, internet and telephone and fought back with angry words and hateful deeds. According to community leaders and friends that I spoke to, it is not uncommon for a submissive to struggle against changes in routine, control structure, protocol or ritual. It was a relief to know that I am normal. Resistance is a part of learning and growing within yourself and your relationship. In my case, it was dealt with swiftly and treated as a behavior correction. Yet the release of control, the service I could provide, and the pride in work well done is what I desire outside the bedroom/scene almost more strongly than anything. This is where I am now. I am earning rewards for good behavior, for working myself into that submissive state outside the bedroom where I can serve and be fulfilled in my role with my dominant in life, love and the vanilla world.

Only you can know if you truly want to be submissive or if you are by nature. If you desire it, then it can be achieved. It will take hard work and there are setbacks, challenges ahead and internal struggles. But believe me, it’s worth it. So you want to be submissive? Give it a try, work towards your goal and become!


PS: Master believes I have a submissive nature and that I have just repressed it due to my past experiences. I guess I will have to reflect on that more and see what I can see from the inside out.

Well, I don’t think this will be a long post as I have a terrible headache, but I wanted to say that my classes are going fine, and I only have one that I will absolutely hate. Thankfully it only meets once a week. I can survive it. There is about 3 hours of homework a night which is about average for me. Nothing I can’t handle. I’m going to try and stay on top of it for the most part. That means a lot of dedication to what I need to get done.

I wrote a personal essay about becoming submissive, that I was going to put on the Gate, but seeing that it is really personal it’d probably fit better as an interactive blog entry than an essay. I have plans to rework my idea for the essay and get one on the gate within a few weeks, so keep an eye out for it! I know I read a lot of essays about being submissive, but I have a different swing on things as submission is my personal choice and concious effort. Not unusual I know, but different and it just may help those that want to feel it but have been told they just aren’t capable.

My period has knocked me over and declared me dead this week. I have never felt so fat, so bloated, so cranky. Oiy.


Big news! I am moving to a new site with the Iron Gate. It is already linked at the top here. The blog however is not moving, so you won’t have to change your links at all. I’ve been busy at work on the Gate and hope to have more and new things on there on a weekly basis. Please come help me make it an awesome resource or just to cheer me on!

My first day of class didn’t go as badly as I thought. Pretty good actually. I have 2 classes on Monday and they were short, just running through the syllabus and then off. :) I have 2 classes tomorrow too. Sound like fun to you? Ah well, the days of being a college student are numbered. This is my last year before graduation.

Master and I just had some mind-blowing sex, omg it was good. I’m still dazed by it. Ya know that light, floaty, just damn good feeling? MMMM, i want it more often. Waxing and waning sex drive? Yes I have to agree with ya there. I hope I can keep the sex drive on the up and up. I sure didn’t like being disinterested, and then down, and then further depressed. Just not fun at all!


Sleep Deprivation

I know that I am not sleeping well. I know that when I do sleep it is restless and full of dreams. I wake tense with aching limbs and a headache. This is not normal for me and it’s been going on too long. I have had stress in my life, more than what I am going through now, and I have faired better. I am waking earlier than I normally do and wanting to pass out from exhaustion earlier in the evening. With things on my mind, I’m not sure when these sleepless nights will end.

Master and I had a very difficult and emotionally trying conversation the other night. As I have mentioned in a previous post, Master wishes I were more spontaneous sexually and I am pretty inactive in bed. I have done nothing to fix these things since they were first brought up and because of this he brought them up again. He was disturbed and frustrated. I realize I’m not good at behavior modification on my own or I’d have lost weight by now. I realize that Master is new to Dominance and isn’t sure how to go about working with me. His needs aren’t being met.

But then again, neither are mine. The revelation that I wasn’t happy with our sex life surprised him I think. I have fantasies of being forced and taken whenever is his choice, on a whim. I like the idea of being made to please him, of being told and commanded as to what to do. This may be his perception of my inactiveness in bed. I don’t know. I’d like to think these two differences can be worked on and we can live a happy fullfiling life. I need to be spontaneous. I need him to control me in the bedroom more.

Now that we know these things, only good can come out of it. We are going to work on these things together. From now on I feel we will be more open. I will try to be more ‘surprising’ to him and he will try to assert himself when he feels the desire to.

In two days I go back to school. I feel a dread over me, like something weighing on my mind. I really don’t want to go to school this time, I am not looking forward to the year, and I hope that it will change after my first few classes. Just one more year. It has be my mantra this time.

Next weekend is a munch and Master and I are looking forward to seeing some old friends and making new ones. I am unsure as to how many will show for it, but I don’t care. I just need the meeting of friends with common interests.

I have done a lot of work on the Iron Gate and I have news! I have just registered a new domain, all my own that I will be moving too soon. They will be auto redirected, but I will notify you before the actual event. I have purchased . I’m so excited. I will be working hard to make this site a useful and full resource. The only way I can do that is with donations of work and talent from the readers of my site. I want to provide as many opinions and outlooks as possible. At one point I want it to be interactive, with commenting allowed on essays so that we can carry a threaded conversation about the topic. I don’t know how long it will take me to get that done, but I will keep you updated. My personal site will grow as well. I don’t know when but it will still be a sub area of the Iron Gate and will be mainly the personal side of me. I know some people are curious with that. I’d love to hear your ideas… what makes a lifestyle website worth visiting, and repeat visiting? What should I add/change/remove? Anything that I have already that should be more expansive?


Well, this is it… Monday will be my first day back to school of my senior year. I hope I am ready. Yesterday I picked up books and supplies and I still don’t feel ready. Maybe it’s senioritis already.

Had a hard night last night, didn’t sleep well and stayed up talking and crying with Master till almost 3am. Sometimes things can seem so hard to understand, so hard to correct and just plain hard. I had one of those moments like that last night. My sexual drive has been nill for about 3 weeks now. It is driving me crazy. Master asked if my sexual attraction to him was still there. Oh god is it ever. My heart and mind crave this man, but when I touch him, my body doesn’t react. I’m so confused and frustrated. I’m hoping it is stress related and it will fade soon. We have had the worst summer ever and I can’t say that didn’t have a hand in how I feel. I will have to work through it the best way I know how.

I get to go clothing shopping today online. I need some new jeans as I’ve repaired my only pair 4 times as of today. Not sure what else I’m getting, but I do have a budget to stick to. Master is also getting his computer upgrades so that he can work easier. I’m sure he is very excited about that.


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