May 2005

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Have you ever?


Have you ever?

( ) snuck out of the house
(x) gotten lost in your city
(x) seen a shooting star
(x) been to any other countries besides US
( ) had a serious surgery
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas
(x) kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger
(x) been in a fist fight
( ) been arrested
( ) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(x) swore at your parents
(x) been in love
(x) been close to love
(x) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
(x) skinny dipped
(x) skipped school
(x) seen a therapist
( ) done the splits
(x) played spin the bottle
(x) gotten stitches
(x) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
(x) bitten someone
( ) been to Niagara Falls
(x) gotten the chicken pox
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
( ) crashed into a friend’s car
( ) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
( ) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
(x) been fired
(x) had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
(x) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated Mardi-Gras in new Orleans
(x) been to Europe
( ) slept with a co-worker
(x) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
( ) seen someone die
( ) had a close friend die
( ) been to Africa
(x) driven over 400 miles in one day
( ) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
( ) been to India
(x) been on a plane
(x) seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) thrown up in a bar
(x) purposely set a part of myself on fire
( ) eaten sushi
( ) been skiing/snowboarding
(x) met someone in person from the internet
( ) lost a child
(x) gone to college/university
( ) graduated college/university
( ) fired a gun
(x) purposely hurt yourself
(x) taken painkillers
( ) been intimate with someone of the same gender

Now I could tag someone, but because I took this from angel’s blog I’m not going to bother tagging anyone either.


So, there was a comment awhile ago, when I wasn’t really with it mentally about how I’ve noticed so many submissives that have blogs I’ve followed are throwing in the towel on the lifestyle. I am baffled at how someone can do that. I’ve had time to think about it and maybe I can understand them a bit better. I’ve made the decision almost 2 years ago to be lifestyle and nothing else. I could never go back to the vanilla life. I left a husband to persue my new life. I changed the way I live, I want to be different. I know I am happier than I was. I embraced the lifestyle with both hands and jumped in deep to be active and happy that way. Trust me, I am. I truely am.

Now these people that have given up give me pause. How can you give up a lifestyle that to me is so a part of me that it’d be like ripping my heart out. So, I had to try to place myself in their shoes. There are 3 kinds of people that I can think of that gives up the lifestyle. They are the players, the ones where real life gets in the way and ruins you, and then there are those that really weren’t heart felt lifestylers. I just can’t see anyone else leaving. (Now, before you start sending me hate mail, I’d like to remind you that this is a blog; not your blog, not a forum, but my blog. I can say whatever I like here, it is my opinion, my thoughts, and there is nothing you can say about it.)

The first person are players. They find themselves overwhelmed with the depth that the lifestyle goes and all they really wanted was the kinky sex. These people can only talk about the kinky sex they’ve had and the fact that their partner did this or that. The blogs are hollow as to their life outside the bedroom or playroom. I find their stories passionate and fun to read, but I don’t feel that they are really in it for the long haul to begin with.

The second person is the ones that let ‘real life’ get the best of them and decide to just not try anymore. This happens more often then you might think, and I feel it is the most common occurence. These people I feel really bad for. If you have been a regular follower of my blog you know that Master and I have had major issues with real life. It has been eating our time, our money, or passion, and our energy. I don’t see us giving up though. We may back off a bit, not play as much, be ‘normal’ for awhile; whatever we need to to deal with what life throws at us. I do have to say that there are those that have medical emergencies, family issues and other more severe things that happen, but in my opinion if you are lifestyle, then nothing can take that out of you. Ever.

The third person is the one I find most often on rarely updated blogs. These are those that think they are D/s oriented, or love BDSM but really they are just normal kinky. Let me explain. These are those that don’t want to be around others in the lifestyle, they hide and say that what they do is D/s but they don’t have common ideals, no beliefs, nothing that really says they mean anything. When you talk to them they are not interested in talking to you about it. I realize there are those that want to share what they find kinky, that they have discovered this new thing that they find really kewl.

These are just my thoughts. I can’t take the lifestyle out of me, and I just can’t fathom others doing it either, if they are truely honest with themselves and what they need/want.


I’ve been really busy today with things for the radio station. Night_Wulf told me about this really neat program from Adobe called Audition. It’s basically mixing software. It was hard to get the hang of at first, but after a few tries and laughs at what I came up with I was successful at making a few really neat intros and callID’s for the station. I think I just might enjoy making some more. My classical show today again baffled me at the popularity. I had 12 listeners on a stream that only holds 20. I certainly could get to enjoy this quite a bit.

Master and I have pretty much kept to ourselves today. Not that it’s either of our faults, we have just been busy with other things. I guess this is an alternative to me leaving the house for a bit. We just sit in silence at our own desks and do our own thing.

I have plans to do some housecleaning tomorrow. Maybe even sit down and do some crafting. I don’t know. I find myself with very little motivation to do anything right now. I have to find it within myself to care for the home that I keep for Master. I have let it slide too long. The laundry needs to be done, the place dusted and the bathroom scrubbed. Yes, that is what I hope to accomplish tomorrow.

I’ve been wearing a different collar the past few days, one that is very dog collarish. Black leather with a large D ring. I seem to enjoy wearing it when I can. It makes me feel more at my position, although today I could have had my teeth knocked in a few times. I was pretty snippy. Sometimes I think Master lets me get away with it just so that we don’t crash heads. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.


Master and I played hard today after a long dry spell. It was so wonderful to feel at his mercy and used so well. I am certain to be aching for days to come after tonight. We used a new toy that a friend of us had made. He calls it an octocrop. It’s a crop that has a rubber flogger end on it. Very stingy and quite intense. I enjoyed it quite a bit, and I know that Master did too… with that smile on his face.

I have another hope for a job and will wait for a call next week on it. It would be a desk type job with sitting allowed, so I am happy about that. I would like to be working and I know Master would like to see me doing something other than be here all day. Wish me luck!

I have to meet with my academic advisor next week to clear up a problem I’ve had with my financial aid for next semester. I’m sure it will go fine, but I’m still paranoid that I might loose my aid and have to drop out. Let’s keep a cool head until I know for sure after the holiday.

I have seen recently that a lot of the blogs that I used to read are being closed down because the writers are leaving the lifestyle behind. I don’t know how one can do that. I signed in for the long haul. I take the good, the bad and the difficult with it. Can you really sign up for something like this and not be serious about it enough to just be able to stop whenever you want? It’s hard for me to comprehend. If someone told me that tomorrow I would not want to be submissive in the D/s lifestyle I would almost laugh in their face. I will have to think about this some more, I feel a bit baffled right now. It could be the mindset I’m in right now.



I’m feeling a bit better, thank you to everyone who sent out hugs and caring words. My headache isn’t completely gone, but it’s a lot better than it was. I’m not sure why I was feeling so icky, but the next day Master wasn’t feeling his best either. We are both recovering with pampering each other.

I go back out again to look for a job. I hope I can get one soon, it would certainly help on the money situation and get me out of the house on a regular basis so that Master can work without distraction. Yes I’m a distraction. (gee I wonder why.) I’m hoping for something I can do some sitting as my back and knees just aren’t the best. Maybe a secretarial job? Who knows.


Feeling Ill

I’ve not felt well in the past 2 days. Not really myself. I have a headache that won’t go away, I feel like I have the flu of some sort and my energy level is is practically absent. I’m not sure if it’s because of the nerves and worry I’ve been under recently or if it’s the lack of decent food. There is only so long you can eat non nutritious foods.

Master is going to get some money tomorrow, that will certainly save us if he can. I know the project he has been working on is almost done. It will be nice to have some bills paid so we can stop worrying so much.

I DJ at night now, 5-7 pm Monday through Friday. Hope you want to tune in. You can set your winamp to


I saw a list like this on Master Dream’s precious treasure’s blog and thought it was a kewl thing. It took me 2 hours to come up with 100 things about me. Enjoy and I hope you learn more than you ever thought you wanted to about me.

1. My name is Jennifer, not Jen, Jenn, Jennie, or Jenny.
2. I have an affinity to peanut butter and chocolate.
3. I’m a dog person, but I have 2 cats.
4. I have one sister and 3 brothers. No one can convince me otherwise.
5. My parents say I had 4 siblings, but now have 3. My mother and father signed one of my brothers over to the state because of multiple personalities.
6. My mother and father physically, verbally and emotionally abused me, and only me.
7. My sister only found out about this last year.
8. I love the Food Network.
9. I’m a perfectionist with everything but my housecleaning.
10. I’m terrible at cleaning.
11. Master is the 5th man I’ve slept with and as far as I’m concerned he will be the last.
12. I’ve always been overweight.
13. I write poetry.
14. I can masturbate and orgasm in under 30 seconds.
15. I’m crafty. I love cross stitch, embroidery, crocheting, leatherwork and beading.
16. My favorite perfume is Vanilla Musk.
17. My favorite color is purple.
18. I have had 8 hamsters during my life, and none of them died under 3 years of age. The oldest was put to sleep at 4 yrs 3 mo. He had gone blind, deaf and lost all his hair.
19. The two cats’ names are Zeus and Maximus and belonged to my best friend before I took care of them.
20. My cats are my only connection to my best friend, as she now lives 1400 mi. away now.
21. I miss her everyday.
22. I love Reeses’ cereal. (peanut butter and chocolate..)
23. I have 8 Celine Dion CD’s.
24. My porn collection on my computer has surpassed 13 Gigabytes.
25. I love Spanish poetry.
26. I once got suspension in high school just “to see what it was like.”
27. When I need comfort I turn to food.
28. I no longer speak with my mother.
29. I do not want children, ever.
30. I never had a boyfriend I didn’t sleep with on the first date.
31. My choice to be submissive came from my distaste in being “in charge.”
32. I will graduate with my degree in Spanish in May of 2006.
33. I spent 3 months in France in 1997.
34. I love Anne Rice novels.
35. I’m trying to teach myself PHP.
36. I love Final Fantasy.
37. My fantasy is to be tied to a large dinner table, decorated as the centerpiece and then having a dinner party.
38. I love sauerkraut.
39. I enjoy cooking.
40. I made most of my friends online first and then met them.
41. I am still married. (To a lazy French man, grr)
42. If I could travel anywhere right now, I’d want to go to Egypt.
43. I hate peas.
44. I have chronic knee pain due to being overweight.
45. I faint if standing still longer than 10 min.
46. I talk a lot.
47. I love my freckles.
48. I wish my boobs were bigger, and the nipples were outties. I have 48DD’s.
49. I graduated 4: 256 in high school.
50. If I could live where ever I wanted, I’d live in New Orleans.
51. I want corset training.
52. I can’t live without Chinese food.
53. I’m very organized.
54. I worry A LOT.
55. I have tried dog food, just to see why the dogs loved it.
56. I’m obsessed with knowing everything I can about sex.
57. I love mummies and Ancient Egypt.
58. I’m afraid of heights, drowning, and suffocation.
59. I still have ghosts in my closet and monsters under the bed.
60. I do not know when to keep things about myself private.
61. I prefer hard and fast, rough and tumble.
62. I have fallen asleep during sex.
63. I’m queen at faking orgasms.
64. I used to masturbate 4 times a day, now it’s once a month.
65. The toilet paper must roll from over the top; it can’t come from the bottom.
66. I have been caught changing it at a friend’s house.
67. I sing very loudly in the car.
68. I’d rather be too hot than too cold.
69. My favorite sexual position is Doggie style.
70. I have a titty fetish.
71. I love Dalmatians.
72. Daisies are my favorite flower.
73. I’m allergic to most soaps, detergents and conditioners.
74. I used to hurt myself for attention as a child.
75. I was in an accident with my bicycle and never got back on.
76. I hate driving.
77. My favorite meal is roast chicken, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and corn.
78. I would prefer to die before Master. I don’t think I could survive without him now.
79. I believe there is a heaven, but I’m skeptical about the teachings of the Bible.
80. My favorite beverage is chocolate milk.
81. I love red lipstick.
82. I gave my wedding dress to my sister for her wedding, and it looked great.
83. I want to travel, but I get car sick, air sick and sea sick.
84. I do not drink, or smoke.
85. Master is my first D/s commitment.
86. I get paranoid if my pantry is empty.
87. I’ve had 3 surgeries for a polynidal cyst.
88. I’ve lived in Iowa my entire life.
89. I wish the US would deal with our problems first before trying to solve other nations’ problems.
90. I don’t want to live in this town much longer, I’m itching to move.
91. I’m afraid of disappointing Master.
92. I love Antonio Banderas.
93. I’m overly serious. I don’t get jokes and take most things seriously.
94. I have 3 tattoos, the first one I had, I got a bad reaction. I’m surprised I tried it again.
95. I love seafood.
96. I like to walk around the house naked.
97. I love Master more than I ever loved my ex husband.
98. This list is almost done, and I’m happy about that.
99. It has been 13 days since I felt happy.
100. I dream about winning the lottery, although I have never played.


I have been battling a disinterest in sex lately. I feel terrible that I haven’t really felt like being touched or touching at all. I’m sure there are outside influences as to why I’ve been so antisex lately. I’ve had to sit and figure it out, because I’m tired of feeling like something is wrong with me.

When Master first got here, I was a sexual animal. I had always been very excited and easy to encourage to the bed, spread eagle and waiting for loving. It has dwindled to almost nothing now. It’s not Master. I still love to see him standing before me naked, his body looks so wonderful. I love to have him touch me and treat me like his slut. I need the connection from him. So, why can’t I feel in the mood for it?

We are in a fit of really tight finances, and it makes me really nervous, and worried all the time. I know this has a side effect of not being interested in sex. At least with me it does. It’s never easy to concentrate on yourself and your love when things just aren’t comfortable with your existence. It’s like Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs. One needs the basic needs first before you can climb up the pyramid. Love and Sex are on the 3rd tier. Right now we are stuck at the Safety and some of the basic Psychological needs. It’s so damn hard.

Master has been working really hard to get some money and get a regular paying job and I commend him for his diligence. It makes me feel good to know he is working so hard on things that will get us some money so that we can stop struggling.

I also know my period is coming, and it is making me irritable and cranky. My back is killing me today, I’m bloated and drinking a lot of water. I wish it would just come already, this wait is annoying. Anyone who deals with irregular periods would know what I mean.

So, now to help spur my sexual energy, hopefully… I have gone and found a question on Kindlings that might at least bring a fantasy to the page, and maybe help me remember how much of a sexual person I am.

From Kindlings – What is your most frequently occurring fantasy?

My most frequent fantasy is simple really. I imagine being tied comfortably yet immobility to the bed and teased, used, flogged, and tortured for hours on end, relaxing and taking some breaks for water replenishment and adjustment so that restricted limbs are still safe of course. I have seen myself being used slowly with dildos, having my ass shamelessly used (and Master knows I have problems with this one), being fucked, having cum all over me, my tits bound, tortured and beat, my pussy whipped, perhaps some sensation denial like blindfolds, earplugs or gags. The dream is endless. I don’t know how I would actually fare during this, but I do know that I dream about this a lot.

What’s YOUR fantasy? I’d like to know.


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