Well, here it is. A big change and a small step back. On Monday night I gave Master his collar back. I didn’t feel I was ready for the full commitment it entails. I have a problem with accepting punishments. It isn’t like when others have a resistence to giving up control. I love it when Master tells me what to do, gives me commands. When I forget to do a rule, or command I loudly and forcefully refuse the punishement that would come with it. I have yet to accept quietly one single punishment. If I am going to be giving myself to him, and trust me I want to, I need to get over this part of myself that likes to follow rules and commands only under the condition that no punishments ensue. That is topping from the bottom, in my opinion and I try to do that every time, every single time. I know that Master is getting aggrivated that I won’t listen to him all the time. Punishment must be part of what I submit to.
There were reasons I handed him His collar back. One was I was in the heat of the moment and just thought I would get a reaction out of him. Two I believed that it was a cry for help that I just didn’t know what I was doing in that instince. Three I was afraid that he would take it from me, and in my eyes that would hurt me more. Four well, I just couldn’t see myself as worthy of such a special adornment, commitment and power. One day I hope that I can repair that. He will not give the collar back to me till I am worthy in my eyes and feel that I can give myself to him completely, accepting of punishments included. I have some growing to do, major growing.
I talked with cinnamon_girl and she assured me that since Master said he wasn’t going anywhere, that he truely loves me and we can work through this. I believe that this is just a step backward, albeit painful that it is. I know that one day I can earn it back and feel the power behind it again. Everyday it is my goal to accomplish as many of the rules on my own without prompting as possible, to show him that I really can do it if I try hard enough. I want to please him, so this shouldn’t be too hard. Granted I need to keep them in the forefront of my mind all the time. I am going to prove to him and myself that I am worth the work, stress, effort and aggrivation.
Since my fallout with Master I haven’t been exercising and I hope to remedy that tonight. I have to get back on my water detail too. I have read on some sites and lists that say that any liquid intake can count for my water, only the calories also count. I may have to adjust to allow for other things in my diet, as I’m so sick of water some days. If I get 5 glasses of water in, I have room for 3 or more of other beverages that will still count to my total. I find that it really isn’t that hard to eat healthily. I do have my weak points, and binging (my major problem) is still present sometimes. I know Master is watching me with that as well. Friday I weight myself again, and I don’t think I’ve lost anything to show for my efforts, mainly because I haven’t exercised as much as I should. Gotta really crack down on that.
My night and morning routines are only getting half done right now. I figure that any steps are baby steps towards making a decent improvement on my day. I will get to the point that I will have all my cleaning for the week involved to the point that I only have to spend 15 min a day cleaning and my house will be spotless. I sure love Flylady.
Went grocery shopping today after a very long time not being able to afford it. I hope that our tight wallet strings will loosen up soon and we will be able to pay off some bills and have some more flexibility in what we do around here. I sold my first flogger today and it is in the mail. I’m so happy and want to celebrate, just don’t know how. I think the kiss that Master gave me on my way out to the post office was enough. I want to make about 100 dollars a week someday. That’s about 2 floggers a week. I know I can handle that part time and maybe if I pull this full-time I can get more. Just have to get that professional site going someday. I have a friend working on one now.
Countdown with school has begun, with only 4 weeks till finals. yay! I have a bunch of stuff to do this weekend to keep up, but I know I can do it. Master is constantly watching to make sure I get my homework done and I’m grateful for if I were alone, I’d not be doing much at all. I am really getting sick of school.
In a week I have my presentation on BDSM to the sexuality class. This will be the third time I give this presentation. I have 40 min to share with the class my lifestyle choice and the way that many practice it. I hope not to scare them too much. There will also be a swinger there to present their lifestyle. It might be too much for one day for conservative Iowans to handle, but we shall see.
So, I’m currently picking up the pieces of my heart, and getting my life back together so that one day I can be of service to Master fully and with a loving heart accept the punishements that rightfully come when I have displeased him. I pray that it doesn’t take long. I miss that piece of leather about my throat, the cuffs at night and the comfort knowing that I have the best Master for me.