Wednesday… half the week gone and I am doing terribly at my plans for a new lifestyle of changes and improvements. I constantly beat myself up for them and do nothing about it. Well it’s about time I do something about it. Granted it is small things, baby steps that I need to make real changes, solid improvements in myself but it must be done. My diet sucks bad, I don’t exercise anymore and while it lasted I felt great, why did I stop? I don’t know. I was eating healthy, I still have a lot of that in the fridge, so why can’t I get my ass out there and eat that? My water consumption has crashed and I know that was a big reason I was feeling good. My body was getting all the water it needed. My before bed routine is only done half way or not at all, my morning routine isn’t even implemented yet and I know that Master can tell that the house isn’t as clean as it was when I was following these routines. I really need a kick in the butt about now. I have to start looking for a part time job to keep me going this summer, I have to feel good about myself. All this is for me, not for Master. I want this, why can’t I get it going? Did I bite off more than I can chew? What baby steps do I need to get going again. The point right now is to not give up.
Yesterday was my presentation on BDSM for the Human Sexuality class on campus. az was there with me and I think it was a great experience yet again. The class seemed really interested and leaned in more than last semester and I didn’t see anyone fall asleep. We had some honest questions and I think people left with the feeling that we were “normal” enough people. The teacher asked me back next semester and I’m sure I will be happy to be there. Master seemed so proud as we left that it went well. I think that was the largest feeling of success that I had that day.
Master gave me his collar back. I was speechless, but he said he is certain I won’t do it again (remove it). I swear I will never take this thing off with such lack of care. It was my heart and soul, my relationship commitment and I don’t want to throw it away like that again. I promise that I will hold it with higher regard now, like I should have from the beginning.
I talked with Master about changing the punishment and reward system to something different as we figured out that I was rejecting punishment due to my childhood. I grew up in an abusive family, you can read more about my in my biography…. A Waterfall – http://luna.kinkygroups.com/waterfall.php . I would fight and struggle against punishment because many times it was physical, unfair and extreme to what I had done wrong or not done wrong. He agreed that maybe we need to reevaluate it, so someday soon, when both of us have time, we are going to sit down and work something out that makes us both happy.
My dad called me to tell me that he had lost his job again. I feel so bad for him, this seems like an ever changing stream for him, and I hope that one day he will find something that he can be happy doing. He is also going to do an online college credit program to get a degree. I don’t really know how those work, but I wish him the best of luck on that. I know exactly how hard school work can be.
Master has been working his butt off to get some money in the house, as we have bills that have clung dangerously close to the “shut off/ repossession” stage. It hurts to know that we have let them get so bad and yet we feel like every day our importance is on survival and we can’t enrich our lives the way we had hoped we could because our needs right now are more on the basic level. I know one day we will get out of this problem, but until that time, we have to face the fact that we need to live before we can feel alive.
I have contemplated selling things like Avon, Passion Parties, Silpada, Mary Kay, or Tupperware to help get some money, but even those require a bit of money up front for start up, and we don’t have that. I want my flogger business to take off, but yet we have a somewhat makeshift, basic website, no advertising or marketing of my product yet and I don’t feel I have all the experience I need yet to make sure I can make someone happy with my product. Soon though we should be able to move to the next phase of development, the website.
School ends in 3 weeks and I feel like I am in a race to the finish. I have so many things to do in these coming weeks that I will be constantly busy, my mind on classwork and finishing things up. Getting to summer break where I can hopefully work some to get some money in the household and pay off bills so we can live comfortably again. I want to be done with school next semester but I don’t know how feasible that really is. It requires working my ass off. I need dedication.