Monthly Archives: March 2005

Before Bed Routine

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Ok, so I have just sat here for an hour planning out my new bedtime routine to hopefully begin making my life easier. I have taken my tips from FlyLady. I really love her site and thank cinnamon_girl_8 for suggesting it to me. So here is my bedtime routine as I hope to have it ingrained in the next few months. Babysteps!

1. Clean up the house before bed. (20 min at the most)

2. Think about tomorrow.
a. Check calendar.
b. Start a “To Do” list for tomorrow.
c. Think to myself: “What can I do tonight that would make my morning easier?”
d. Gather things I need tomorrow in one place.
e. Plan tomorrow’s dinner and move meat to the fridge if it needs to thaw.
f. Lay out clothes for tomorrow. Iron them if needed, repair buttons, etc…

3. Focus on ME before bed.
a. Get ready for bed
b. Bath time, brush teeth, wash face.
c. Night collar on.

Reflect on today:
a. Journal
b. Read and relax.
c. Go to bed smiling! (11:30pm)

Ok so barring any major adjustments, I should be able to handle this in a few short months and be a-okay with it. It should make my mornings so much easier.

Master is really encouraging with my new plans to make my life, and ultimately his so much easier. I know he likes to see that I want to change my life for him, and babysteps is the way to go. I really like to hear him tell me “Good job” when I’ve just finished my exercises. I have got to get to 8 glasses of water a day. That’s my next diet goal.

I’m hoping that Master and I can play this weekend sometime. I really need the destressing effect that I get with pain play. It certainly is therapy. MMMM, flogger therapy. I don’t know what is with me lately but I’m kinda hoping I can handle a lot of pain, to maybe get some marks to wear proudly. Right now it’s more like, “oh, where did that bruise come from? I must have bumped something.” I want to know where they come from, gosh darn it! Anyone have any simple suggestions for an activity that will probably get me some marks?

I have a lot of reading to do this weekend for all of my classes. I hope I can get it done in a decent amount of time so that I can still clean the house good, and make a flogger. Gotta build up that stock if I want to sell them.

Tomorrow I weigh in and get measurements done for my weekly diet check. I hope I have lost a lb. or two. Maybe just an inch. I want anything to show that my new affirmation is working. I love that I have submissives everywhere online rooting (is that the right spelling?) for me and keeping my motivation up.

–luna

We have ignition!

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Okay so I started my diet again yesterday and as always I feel like this time is “the” time I will be able to stay on track. I really think that with my new online support team of friendly submissives sending me sweet messages and wishing me luck on an occasional basis just might help. I need to drink all the water for the day and remember to exercise. Those two will really bite me in the butt if I don’t do them. I did my exercise video last night and realized just how out of shape I had gotten. It’s sweet to hear Master give me words of encouragement. I just wish I didn’t have to fish for them. I warned him I’m high maintenance and that means a lot of praise and encouragement when it’s due. (That is of course if it is truly due.)

I also had a friend send me a link to a website, that is also a yahoo group. It is FlyLady.net. Very interesting. It helps mostly stay at home women with decuttering and crawling out of chaos living to a more structured, organized life. From what I’ve read so far, it sure sounds like a Dominant marching out cleaning orders, but we shall see. I think I may give it a shot, in baby steps. If I want to be Master’s little stay at home slave some day I think I need to know how to keep the house orderly and enjoy doing it. I need to develop good cleaning habits and stay organized all around.

On the subject of staying organized I have a paper and a presentation on Thursday of which I am not ready for either. I am half way through both of them at the moment and it is adding a lot of stress to my life not having either of them finished. Thank god we only have 4 weeks left of classes. I don’t know how much more I can take!

I started my rules list with Master officially. I have to keep in mind all my rules until they become habit as well. Right now it’s on a points system, and I can earn rewards (one of them is a shopping trip!) to make sure I stay on track.

I realize all this sounds like a lot, and it probably is, I’m facing possible failures here, but I want to change my life and lifestyle and I’m far from patient about it. I want it all now! Well, at least I am not stupid and taking huge steps. I’m going slow, little leaps at a time. If I can’t accomplish it all one day there is always tomorrow.

My good friend a is ill, she has pneumonia. I’m worried about her. She is almost done with grad school and then she moves at the end of April, to Las Vegas (lucky girl). I’m hoping that she will get to feeling better and we can hang out again a few times before she has to go. I’m gonna miss her.

–luna

The Enforcer

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I’m starting fresh tomorrow. Master’s set of rules will be enforced, leaving very little room for me to goof up. I will be trying to start my diet again and exercising on a more regular basis. I’m letting myself down by not doing it by now. With the enforcement of these rules come punishments and rewards. I am going to be on some sort of point system for the rewards, but the punishments are instant and quite annoying.

I have a diet goal of 20 lbs. by July. It is doable with devotion and a strict regimen. I really need to stick to exercise everyday. Thirty mins really shouldn’t kill me and I always have time for 30 mins. The drinking water part is what will kill me. I’m terrible at that. My mind and heart fight against my body when I say I’m going to diet. I look at myself in the mirror and am appalled. I feel down, I emotionally beat myself up. It’s gotten so hard to go up stairs, get up from the floor and even sex has taken a lot out of me, it’s just harder than it was. I don’t want that, and Master shouldn’t have to live with a girl that doesn’t care about her body. I need to make a concious effort to make myself very presentable, to have him love me for who I am when he’s around, not for who I could be. (He would contend that this is his state of mind all the time.)

If I am to please Master all the time, I need to work on my mindset. I don’t feel submissive all the time. I hear people say all the time that you always struggle with the submissive mindset. That most people do small rituals and have reminders to keep them in that space. I am unsure what my little reminders would be, or how I would keep myself feeling the power of my Master. I need his power more often than he gives it to me. That look, that special voice and the words that remind me I am his. They aren’t specific words, but combine the look and voice and I would be butter.

Today, Easter Sunday, and I feel an emptiness. I haven’t been inside a church in years, I haven’t opened the bible in at least half as long. And my worst feeling is I haven’t prayed to the one I call my God for so long that I think he may have left me. There is one thing I learned in this lifestyle is that you can continue on with your vanilla existence, those things that make you feel good and whole. Maybe I need to plan some time in my day to reconnect with the cosmos, to pray and meditate and find something within myself to feel good about once again. Solidify my place in this world. Forgive myself for leaving my ex-husband to rot in a bachelor pad and moving on to a better life.

He has given me a huge guilt trip, and sometimes it seems to work. I talked with treasure and she helped me see that it wasn’t my fault, and that people just move away from each other sometimes. She also showed me that he was just tossing a guilt trip on me and that he really knew how to push my buttons and make me feel bad. I don’t want to be with him anymore and yet I feel so bad that his life sucks. I’m so angry too, because with work he can get better at life. I know it. He’s just to damn lazy to get out there and get a job. He just wants to live off of others. God that makes me angry.

I have this paper to write for Native South America. It is coming awefully hard. I have about one page done of a 6 page paper. Thank god it isn’t due till Thursday. I have a Spanish Presentation on Thursday as well that I’m not looking forward to. *sighs* thank goodness there are only 5 weeks left of school. Then summer vacation.

–luna

Shaving disaster

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Have you ever shaved so badly that you have multiple little cuts, razor burn in very bad and sensitive places? Have you wondered if new razors or old razors do the worst damage in this way? I have yet to find my research conclusive. In my experience it makes no difference, so my thought is it must be me. I guess I just am terrible at shaving. I’ve tried the lotions and heavily lanolized shave cream, all sorts of aids to keep me from knicking myself. Some day I think I should be better at it.

Master requires that I shave all my body hair below my head. I shave my arms, pits, legs and pussy. I don’t mind having my body bare of hair, but it’s major work every other day or every two days. And then I cut myself so bad that it’s not good anyhow. Silly me.

So, I am hoping to make some money this summer with my floggers. After these bills are paid with the money Master is making, I hope to have some constant money coming in from floggers, or else I will have to find a part time job somewhere. I hate struggling, however I can’t work while in school, it’s just not possible for me.

I worked all day on homework and housework and boy am I tired. Master worked the same amount of time, and I can tell his is wiped out as well. At least he will be getting some money at the end of the week. We need to pay some bills.

–luna

Wants and Needs part 2

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It’s been awhile since I said anything worthwhile, and I don’t know if today will be just as boring. I have a ton of work ahead of me this week. I have a paper, 2 presentations and a ton of reading. I just don’t know where to start and I’d like to work on some more floggers.

OH OH, good news. I sold my first 2 floggers. I have a small rubber whip and a suede flogger ordered for next month. I’m pretty excited. I never expected anyone to order a flogger till I got my site up and running. Right now I just have a temporary site at www.lunas-boudoir.com Of course if you want to order something, just give me an email and I will see what I can do.

I had the D/s forums last night and it was a good turn out. We talked about wants and needs in a relationship. It had me thinking, wondering just what my wants and needs are. My wants and needs have changed since I first entered the lifestyle and I’m sure that they will mature and grow as my relationship strengthens. Some people had long lists of wants and needs, and mine was decent in comparison. It’s amazing how a lot of the wants and needs are attached. They have commonalities. Think about it. Can you have a need that doesn’t get satisfied and yet get all your wants in a relationship? Would you be happy to forgo that need just to get those things you love to want? What happens when you get a need and your partner can’t give it to you? All of these things we talked about last night.

I’m sure you are wanting to know what my wants and needs are, but for the sake of talking to my Dominant about them, they are going to remain private.

Master really likes anal sex and ass play. I used to love my ass being played with. Now I am just kinda creeped out by it, I’m nervous about it getting icky. Keep it clean an all you know. Master says that it doesn’t matter, he’s not a queasy type. I believe him so why am I such an ass phobic person? I love anal sex, it’s such an intense feeling but to get me in that mood just seems like pulling teeth. Enemas? Still don’t do it for me. I’m still nervous about what might happen. Suggestions would be great.

–luna

"I need motivation for that"

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I say these same words more often than I should. Why do I constantly need to find motivation. I should be prefectly happy just doing them. I am so damn lazy that sometimes I wonder what good am I really?

I haven’t done anything around the house in 2 days. I have been extremely lazy and been sitting in front of the computer more hours than I can count. Understandably, most of that was making a website for an IRC chat room that I like to visit. I should really find other things to do around here. I have so many crafts that I could do instead, chores are a constant and well, me time.

I don’t really feel guilty right now for not doing anything, granted it is Spring Break and that is especially for lazying around. I have homework I need to do, projects I could be working on and preparation for a presentation I will be giving on the 12th of April. Why then is Master’s stern look when he again reminds me that I promised to do this or that today not enough to get my ass up and do it? Am I asking for trouble?

I’m technically off my diet, and I’m kicking myself in the butt for doing so. I really want to loose like 20 lbs before July when I plan on going to see Liz. It would be great to be able to wear summer clothing and not feel like a blimp. I’ve asked the groups I’m in for help motivating myself in this department, we shall see what they come up with. I really just need to get my ass in gear.

I’ve talked with my best friend L more often this week than I have in the past 2 months combined. I think she is feeling stressed and so distant from me lately and I have to admit it’s great to hear her voice and talk to her. I miss when she used to live only 20 min away, now it’s on the East Coast. *sigh*

Monday is the forums and I think I’m ready. I will flat out be running these things alone, and I feel that they will basically run themselves, I’m just the person that calls them and always shows up. I have had 2 emails telling me that they are excited for this topic in particular and that is always a good thing. I’m not sure I’m personally ready to talk about my wants vs. needs, but I will give it a try, maybe I’ll learn somthing.

Master has so much work on his plate I feel bad for him. He says he works 10 hour days and he still can’t see the end of the road any time soon. At least there is money coming in soon. We can pay our bills and catch up on life.

I’m so grateful to have Master in my life. He watches out for me and has been worrying lately with my bouts of insomnia. He’s such a heavy sleeper I wonder if he even notices me getting up earlier and earlier. I don’t do anything that early either, which doesn’t make sense since I’m a morning person. Again, it’s that motivation thing again, what the heck is up with me?

–luna

My Battle Cry

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What Is Your Battle Cry?
Running through the mountains, wielding gilded boxing gloves, cometh Luna! And she gives a cruel cry:

“I’m seriously going to unleash oven cleaner in your pants!!!”
Find out!
Enter username:
Are you a girl, or a guy ?
created by beatings : powered by monkeys

Working on my vanilla site

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Today was a bunch of relaxing and enjoying nothing to do.

I had a great time last night at the munch. I saw my best friend, and we caught up a bit. It was great. Then I met treasure and her Master. It was great, and I think we connected pretty well. I hope I get to see her again soon. There is so much I enjoy about munches. I finally feel like I belong somewhere.

I have started working on a vanilla site that I can put on resumes and stuff. Something I hope will be a decent dedication to poetry both Spanish and English. It’s going to be called Luna’s Poetry Scrolls. What I would like to know from people is what are your favorite poets? Do you have websites you like to read? Any favorite verses?

I had a panic attack today about our financial situation. I’m so worried, even though Master has told me time and again to let him worry about it. I think that will be the last thing I will give over to him completely. It just worries me to not know what the deal is. I need to find a job, something that will help me ease my mind about money. Somehow I have to relieve the stress.

Well, next week (tomorrow) begins another dig in to try and exercise and diet. I really need to be strict on this if I want to loose weight. I know I lost a bit when I was on the richard simmons plan. I just have to find something that works for me, that I enjoy. Any suggestions??

–luna

Bzzzzz

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There’s this little birdie in my ear this morning telling me that I should wake Master up with sweet kisses, and then just take hold of his cock. God I need sex bad this morning. I think I may do just that, I know he loves being woken up by my hot sexual desire and that smile on my face, the look in my eye, and my pussy ready for him…. wish me luck!

–luna

Crazy Dream

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You wake one day to find that you are living a dream, a crazy dream. Nothing is as you thought it would be, you aren’t comfortable with yourself, you are uncertain of the man laying next to you and you feel like you are drowning in worries. Welcome to my day.

This is the first day of Spring Break and I feel like I’m in a dream. I’m not disappointed, not one bit. This life that I have chosen is no where near where I thought I would be 3 years ago. I woke, rolled over to see Master laying there and felt like the world had changed. I can’t say if it was a good or bad feeling. I got out of bed and felt a sudden sadness about myself. I am so disappointed in the way I look. I constantly mean to loose weight, but as I’ve told Master… it’s a desire, not motivation.

How does fate work? If I were to see Master on the street, I would love him in an instant, but I doubt he would even give a glance to me. Yes I seem to attract people, and maybe just maybe he would come and say hello but I don’t know if there would be a second thought in his head that I would be a good mate. He says that he loves me with all his heart now that he knows me. I guess that is a blessing of internet love. You love the person within before seeing and touching the outer package.

I love Master, he reminds me that I truely am sexy and wanted, but there are times like today that no matter how much reassurance I get, I feel ugly. I felt worried about bills, stressed about needing to get a job and my lack of dieting. I’m doing horribly. I don’t know how to fix it either.

Today I smarted back at Master, got him really angry and had to spend about a half hour in the corner. God I hated that. I felt like a child, and then while sitting there I realized I was acting like a child. Ouch. Of course I deserved it.

Tomorrow is munch. I hope that there will be a lot of people there to chat with. I thought that I just don’t feel like a submissive. Maybe that I don’t feel like it becuase I don’t think I’m behaving. I need to know what Master expects of me in lifestyle arenas. I get to see my best friend at the munch. It’s been a long time since we have gotten to catch up on life. I might also get to see someone I’ve met online, treasure. Her blog is linked on the left side. I’m really looking forward to it.

I hate being poor. We struggle every day to get the things we need. One day I hope to have everything we need and to live comfortably without worrying if we will have gas money or milk money. This really sucks.

–luna

The touch of love

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There is a time in everyone’s relationship where you get a realization you are with the right person. I reached that point today when Master took me in his arms to comfort me during a nasty period of cramps. I felt so relaxed at that point and so comforted by the fact that my love was there holding me and would continue to do so no matter what. If you never feel it at some point, then you are truly missing out. My heart swelled to at least twice its normal capacity and I could do nothing but hold him tight and take in his scent, the heat of his body and his very essence. My love will forever reside in this man.

This weekend is the munch and I’m really looking forward to going. I sure love chatting with people and being around those that understand me. I have to work on planning the next D/s forums though as well, they come up in 2 weeks. I’m sure they will govern themselves but I should have some plan. I need to email the co-leader of the Dom side to check if he is doing the same topic.

I can’t wait for Spring Break, it officially starts tomorrow afternoon for me, and I won’t have to go back to classes til March 22nd. Yay! I hope to go see a good friend of mine next week and catch up.

–luna

Darn hormones

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This period is whipping my butt. I feel like crud today, I hurt and worst of all I have terrible chocolate cravings. I can’t wait till Thursday when I can have chocolate again. It’s one of the worst weeks I’ve had in a long while for these cramps. How is someone to not be so cranky and stay on diet and exercise when they feel like this? Is there some sort of miracle method of concentration or motivation that I just don’t have?

This is the last week before Spring Break. I can’t wait. I don’t know what I’m going to do but I will be glad for the time off. I have to look for a summer job, maybe that would be perfect opportunity. I’m really hoping for a good job this summer. I am worried about my bad back and knees. Ideally a job where I sit or do a mixture of both would be favorable to standing alone. We shall see.

–luna

Bigger Dreams

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Today was very challenging to me. I was testy, grumpy and not someone you wanted to hang around. I’m not sure why I am this way other than hormone levels, but I can’t blame it all on that. Perhaps I am needing time away, and with no money and no where to go, I’m beginning to feel stuck. I have no clue how Master is feeling. He can’t go anywhere unless I take him.

I’m going to look further into working PHP. I want to know how to make dynamic pages more than what I have already. Also I have dreams of another website, vanilla in nature to help me with what I enjoy doing. That is reading Spanish poetry, enjoying the art and understanding the literary styles incorporated in them. I’ve not found a decent site that has all that in one place. I also now with all the work involved in doing that it will be years in the making. Boy when I dream I dream big.

I want to go to the munch this Saturday, but it will depend on if Master gets any money before Saturday. It’s at a Chinese buffet. God it’s been a long time since I’ve had Chinese food. I’m hoping some of my friends will be there and that the conversation is good.

I’ve begun reading things for the D/s forums on the 21st. I am certain that this topic will be helpful for everyone who comes and that I will enjoy myself. It’s about wants vs. needs. Even I have a hard time differentiating at times. Hopefully we can work though how to recognize what is what. There are a couple of very good articles online that I will be referencing to. If you want to share your thoughts on wants vs. needs, please go to my discussion forum.

I am supremely disappointed that no one is using my message board. You don’t even have to register to submit your thoughts. I really do think it could be a place to learn if people will use it. While you sit there reading about my life, come out and share your thoughts with me. What harm is there?

–luna

Friday's here, have no fear!

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Friday, what a glorious day. The end of the week, and the beginning of my weekend. I have a few things to accomplish, and all the time in the world. This time next Friday is the beginning of Sprink Break. I’m up, as always, long before Master will be so that I can get some things done before I wake him. I enjoy my mornings by myself. I take the time to read my email, do a bit around the house and plan the rest of my day. (Those of you that have been following me know that it means I have a few lists made.)

I hope to do some more work on my website. I have big plans for it in the future. I have to learn the code first… PHP isn’t an easy programming code for someone who has only done self taught HTML in the past. I will persevere though, and I have Master here to help me with the sticky parts. Are there any suggestions I can get from anyone about what they want to see at The Iron Gate?

I’m beginning to rewrite my resume, so that I can go looking for a summer job. I’m not sure what I will be able to find, but I have to look before I will know. There has to be something out there that I will enjoy, and hopefully learn from.

Last night I had a dream that Master and I were moving. We were leaving this place and finding a very nice apartment closer to all our friends and I was so happy. I hope that one day we can do just that. Dreams are a wonderful thing.

Also, last night Master said he wanted to play, but as we started I could tell it wasn’t feeling right. About 10 min into it, he said he wanted to stop. *sigh* Neither of us were really reaching our space where it would have worked out. I hope we can try again later this weekend. I really could use that release of tension, and I know he could too.

I’m hating the world without chocolate. I know that my cramps will be coming on very strong here shortly and I will be miserable, grumpy and all the world will be coming to an end… *Heh*

–luna

Rules: Yes or no

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I seriously need a kick to the head. Just over a month ago I asked Master for a list of rules and services to follow. They were to help me submit more, and feel more under his power. I have been in Domme mood prior to my relationship with Master and I know I need things on a daily basis to remind me of my proper place. He wrote up a decent list of things he wanted me to do, attitudes he wanted me to keep and rules to follow.

Nothing on this list is hard; it’s carries things I have expressed in the past as wanting to maintain. I’m not really sure why I am having problems carrying them out on an everyday basis. Most of the things have to do with body image and attitude. The body image ones are the ones I am muddying up. Why can’t I improve my attitude towards doing those?

One of incident is my ability to wear makeup. Master wants me to wear it whenever I am leaving the house. Nothing too major, and it shouldn’t be hard to do. I come from a background that didn’t really emphasize wearing makeup, and I didn’t do it except on special occasions in my previous relationships. Why can’t I remember to do it now?

Today I got ready to go out to the store and Master stopped me to tell me I wasn’t wearing any makeup. I swiftly said to him, without thinking, “Oh well, it happens.” Boy was I going to be in trouble, but I didn’t give it one more thought as I walked to the car. I think now that I should have. When I got home Master confronted me with my mistake once again. He told me what my punishment would be and what do I do?

I balk at the idea. I refuse to do it. I almost throw a tantrum right there in the living room. He was to take away my chocolate for a week. Now in normal circumstances one might think that is a decent thing to do, but this week, this PMS week, I went berserk. How was I to survive without chocolate, I live on it during this time, it helps keep my mood up and it’s become something I rely on during this time of the month. I told him I wasn’t going to do it, how could he monitor me when I’m at school, all this stuff. I actually asked him if he could trust me. What the heck was I thinking? I was already planning on undermining his control and just get chocolate at school. How terrible is that?!

In the end he tore up the rules, said that if I wasn’t going to listen to his authority that maybe I just didn’t need the rules. It went on to the point that I thought we were through. He had given up on me, when I needed him to be so firm that I had no room to speak. Well, we talked it over, still tense and I’m not sure exactly what was resolved except that I have my rules back, I am going without chocolate till next Wednesday (ouch), and I feel bad about talking back to him.

In the end I still don’t know if I am going to wear makeup, I’m terrible with it. The next punishment will kill me. No fast food… hmmm… another addiction. He sure pays attention with what I use to live and please myself. It will be torture, but I must survive. I hope I learn from this or else the thing is just not worth it. I need to become more for his pleasure and not for mine. I need to want to be of service to him, I desire his control and yet I refuse punishment. It just doesn’t work that way.

–luna