March 2005

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Before Bed Routine

Ok, so I have just sat here for an hour planning out my new bedtime routine to hopefully begin making my life easier. I have taken my tips from FlyLady. I really love her site and thank cinnamon_girl_8 for suggesting it to me. So here is my bedtime routine as I hope to have it ingrained in the next few months. Babysteps!

1. Clean up the house before bed. (20 min at the most)

2. Think about tomorrow.
a. Check calendar.
b. Start a “To Do” list for tomorrow.
c. Think to myself: “What can I do tonight that would make my morning easier?”
d. Gather things I need tomorrow in one place.
e. Plan tomorrow’s dinner and move meat to the fridge if it needs to thaw.
f. Lay out clothes for tomorrow. Iron them if needed, repair buttons, etc…

3. Focus on ME before bed.
a. Get ready for bed
b. Bath time, brush teeth, wash face.
c. Night collar on.

Reflect on today:
a. Journal
b. Read and relax.
c. Go to bed smiling! (11:30pm)

Ok so barring any major adjustments, I should be able to handle this in a few short months and be a-okay with it. It should make my mornings so much easier.

Master is really encouraging with my new plans to make my life, and ultimately his so much easier. I know he likes to see that I want to change my life for him, and babysteps is the way to go. I really like to hear him tell me “Good job” when I’ve just finished my exercises. I have got to get to 8 glasses of water a day. That’s my next diet goal.

I’m hoping that Master and I can play this weekend sometime. I really need the destressing effect that I get with pain play. It certainly is therapy. MMMM, flogger therapy. I don’t know what is with me lately but I’m kinda hoping I can handle a lot of pain, to maybe get some marks to wear proudly. Right now it’s more like, “oh, where did that bruise come from? I must have bumped something.” I want to know where they come from, gosh darn it! Anyone have any simple suggestions for an activity that will probably get me some marks?

I have a lot of reading to do this weekend for all of my classes. I hope I can get it done in a decent amount of time so that I can still clean the house good, and make a flogger. Gotta build up that stock if I want to sell them.

Tomorrow I weigh in and get measurements done for my weekly diet check. I hope I have lost a lb. or two. Maybe just an inch. I want anything to show that my new affirmation is working. I love that I have submissives everywhere online rooting (is that the right spelling?) for me and keeping my motivation up.


We have ignition!

Okay so I started my diet again yesterday and as always I feel like this time is “the” time I will be able to stay on track. I really think that with my new online support team of friendly submissives sending me sweet messages and wishing me luck on an occasional basis just might help. I need to drink all the water for the day and remember to exercise. Those two will really bite me in the butt if I don’t do them. I did my exercise video last night and realized just how out of shape I had gotten. It’s sweet to hear Master give me words of encouragement. I just wish I didn’t have to fish for them. I warned him I’m high maintenance and that means a lot of praise and encouragement when it’s due. (That is of course if it is truly due.)

I also had a friend send me a link to a website, that is also a yahoo group. It is Very interesting. It helps mostly stay at home women with decuttering and crawling out of chaos living to a more structured, organized life. From what I’ve read so far, it sure sounds like a Dominant marching out cleaning orders, but we shall see. I think I may give it a shot, in baby steps. If I want to be Master’s little stay at home slave some day I think I need to know how to keep the house orderly and enjoy doing it. I need to develop good cleaning habits and stay organized all around.

On the subject of staying organized I have a paper and a presentation on Thursday of which I am not ready for either. I am half way through both of them at the moment and it is adding a lot of stress to my life not having either of them finished. Thank god we only have 4 weeks left of classes. I don’t know how much more I can take!

I started my rules list with Master officially. I have to keep in mind all my rules until they become habit as well. Right now it’s on a points system, and I can earn rewards (one of them is a shopping trip!) to make sure I stay on track.

I realize all this sounds like a lot, and it probably is, I’m facing possible failures here, but I want to change my life and lifestyle and I’m far from patient about it. I want it all now! Well, at least I am not stupid and taking huge steps. I’m going slow, little leaps at a time. If I can’t accomplish it all one day there is always tomorrow.

My good friend a is ill, she has pneumonia. I’m worried about her. She is almost done with grad school and then she moves at the end of April, to Las Vegas (lucky girl). I’m hoping that she will get to feeling better and we can hang out again a few times before she has to go. I’m gonna miss her.


The Enforcer

I’m starting fresh tomorrow. Master’s set of rules will be enforced, leaving very little room for me to goof up. I will be trying to start my diet again and exercising on a more regular basis. I’m letting myself down by not doing it by now. With the enforcement of these rules come punishments and rewards. I am going to be on some sort of point system for the rewards, but the punishments are instant and quite annoying.

I have a diet goal of 20 lbs. by July. It is doable with devotion and a strict regimen. I really need to stick to exercise everyday. Thirty mins really shouldn’t kill me and I always have time for 30 mins. The drinking water part is what will kill me. I’m terrible at that. My mind and heart fight against my body when I say I’m going to diet. I look at myself in the mirror and am appalled. I feel down, I emotionally beat myself up. It’s gotten so hard to go up stairs, get up from the floor and even sex has taken a lot out of me, it’s just harder than it was. I don’t want that, and Master shouldn’t have to live with a girl that doesn’t care about her body. I need to make a concious effort to make myself very presentable, to have him love me for who I am when he’s around, not for who I could be. (He would contend that this is his state of mind all the time.)

If I am to please Master all the time, I need to work on my mindset. I don’t feel submissive all the time. I hear people say all the time that you always struggle with the submissive mindset. That most people do small rituals and have reminders to keep them in that space. I am unsure what my little reminders would be, or how I would keep myself feeling the power of my Master. I need his power more often than he gives it to me. That look, that special voice and the words that remind me I am his. They aren’t specific words, but combine the look and voice and I would be butter.

Today, Easter Sunday, and I feel an emptiness. I haven’t been inside a church in years, I haven’t opened the bible in at least half as long. And my worst feeling is I haven’t prayed to the one I call my God for so long that I think he may have left me. There is one thing I learned in this lifestyle is that you can continue on with your vanilla existence, those things that make you feel good and whole. Maybe I need to plan some time in my day to reconnect with the cosmos, to pray and meditate and find something within myself to feel good about once again. Solidify my place in this world. Forgive myself for leaving my ex-husband to rot in a bachelor pad and moving on to a better life.

He has given me a huge guilt trip, and sometimes it seems to work. I talked with treasure and she helped me see that it wasn’t my fault, and that people just move away from each other sometimes. She also showed me that he was just tossing a guilt trip on me and that he really knew how to push my buttons and make me feel bad. I don’t want to be with him anymore and yet I feel so bad that his life sucks. I’m so angry too, because with work he can get better at life. I know it. He’s just to damn lazy to get out there and get a job. He just wants to live off of others. God that makes me angry.

I have this paper to write for Native South America. It is coming awefully hard. I have about one page done of a 6 page paper. Thank god it isn’t due till Thursday. I have a Spanish Presentation on Thursday as well that I’m not looking forward to. *sighs* thank goodness there are only 5 weeks left of school. Then summer vacation.


Shaving disaster

Have you ever shaved so badly that you have multiple little cuts, razor burn in very bad and sensitive places? Have you wondered if new razors or old razors do the worst damage in this way? I have yet to find my research conclusive. In my experience it makes no difference, so my thought is it must be me. I guess I just am terrible at shaving. I’ve tried the lotions and heavily lanolized shave cream, all sorts of aids to keep me from knicking myself. Some day I think I should be better at it.

Master requires that I shave all my body hair below my head. I shave my arms, pits, legs and pussy. I don’t mind having my body bare of hair, but it’s major work every other day or every two days. And then I cut myself so bad that it’s not good anyhow. Silly me.

So, I am hoping to make some money this summer with my floggers. After these bills are paid with the money Master is making, I hope to have some constant money coming in from floggers, or else I will have to find a part time job somewhere. I hate struggling, however I can’t work while in school, it’s just not possible for me.

I worked all day on homework and housework and boy am I tired. Master worked the same amount of time, and I can tell his is wiped out as well. At least he will be getting some money at the end of the week. We need to pay some bills.


It’s been awhile since I said anything worthwhile, and I don’t know if today will be just as boring. I have a ton of work ahead of me this week. I have a paper, 2 presentations and a ton of reading. I just don’t know where to start and I’d like to work on some more floggers.

OH OH, good news. I sold my first 2 floggers. I have a small rubber whip and a suede flogger ordered for next month. I’m pretty excited. I never expected anyone to order a flogger till I got my site up and running. Right now I just have a temporary site at Of course if you want to order something, just give me an email and I will see what I can do.

I had the D/s forums last night and it was a good turn out. We talked about wants and needs in a relationship. It had me thinking, wondering just what my wants and needs are. My wants and needs have changed since I first entered the lifestyle and I’m sure that they will mature and grow as my relationship strengthens. Some people had long lists of wants and needs, and mine was decent in comparison. It’s amazing how a lot of the wants and needs are attached. They have commonalities. Think about it. Can you have a need that doesn’t get satisfied and yet get all your wants in a relationship? Would you be happy to forgo that need just to get those things you love to want? What happens when you get a need and your partner can’t give it to you? All of these things we talked about last night.

I’m sure you are wanting to know what my wants and needs are, but for the sake of talking to my Dominant about them, they are going to remain private.

Master really likes anal sex and ass play. I used to love my ass being played with. Now I am just kinda creeped out by it, I’m nervous about it getting icky. Keep it clean an all you know. Master says that it doesn’t matter, he’s not a queasy type. I believe him so why am I such an ass phobic person? I love anal sex, it’s such an intense feeling but to get me in that mood just seems like pulling teeth. Enemas? Still don’t do it for me. I’m still nervous about what might happen. Suggestions would be great.


I found this flash mini film in danae’s blog and decided it had to be passed on. It is lovely and inspiring and just plain good. Take a look. Duirwaigh Productions:’A Knock at the Duir’


I say these same words more often than I should. Why do I constantly need to find motivation. I should be prefectly happy just doing them. I am so damn lazy that sometimes I wonder what good am I really?

I haven’t done anything around the house in 2 days. I have been extremely lazy and been sitting in front of the computer more hours than I can count. Understandably, most of that was making a website for an IRC chat room that I like to visit. I should really find other things to do around here. I have so many crafts that I could do instead, chores are a constant and well, me time.

I don’t really feel guilty right now for not doing anything, granted it is Spring Break and that is especially for lazying around. I have homework I need to do, projects I could be working on and preparation for a presentation I will be giving on the 12th of April. Why then is Master’s stern look when he again reminds me that I promised to do this or that today not enough to get my ass up and do it? Am I asking for trouble?

I’m technically off my diet, and I’m kicking myself in the butt for doing so. I really want to loose like 20 lbs before July when I plan on going to see Liz. It would be great to be able to wear summer clothing and not feel like a blimp. I’ve asked the groups I’m in for help motivating myself in this department, we shall see what they come up with. I really just need to get my ass in gear.

I’ve talked with my best friend L more often this week than I have in the past 2 months combined. I think she is feeling stressed and so distant from me lately and I have to admit it’s great to hear her voice and talk to her. I miss when she used to live only 20 min away, now it’s on the East Coast. *sigh*

Monday is the forums and I think I’m ready. I will flat out be running these things alone, and I feel that they will basically run themselves, I’m just the person that calls them and always shows up. I have had 2 emails telling me that they are excited for this topic in particular and that is always a good thing. I’m not sure I’m personally ready to talk about my wants vs. needs, but I will give it a try, maybe I’ll learn somthing.

Master has so much work on his plate I feel bad for him. He says he works 10 hour days and he still can’t see the end of the road any time soon. At least there is money coming in soon. We can pay our bills and catch up on life.

I’m so grateful to have Master in my life. He watches out for me and has been worrying lately with my bouts of insomnia. He’s such a heavy sleeper I wonder if he even notices me getting up earlier and earlier. I don’t do anything that early either, which doesn’t make sense since I’m a morning person. Again, it’s that motivation thing again, what the heck is up with me?


Orgasmic Simulator

Ever wonder how the other sex has an orgasm. This is a hilarious joke site. Take a look!


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