This blog is beginning to look like a depression party. I am constantly finding things out about myself that I really don’t like, wish to change, hate that I did or am disappointed in the outcome. Lately, as in starting last night, I felt really bad about the rules list that Master had given me starting the first of the year. I have not done my best to achieve my goals on that list, and for the most part, I haven’t even done the little things on it. For the time being he has been lenient, however I know that he will be getting on my case shortly as it has been quite a while without any improvement. Shame on me for not trying harder. I have no excuse really other than I think I can get away with it, and I do (Yes, I know Master reads this blog and the truth hurts, but it is what I must be, honest and truthful, and always forthcoming.) I kinda thought I would need micromanagement for quite some time as I took on new things to do. I am unsure how to monitor things myself. Does this make me a terrible person, that I can’t get done the things that would make Master the most happy and proud of me?
I have been working a lot on my website (just added a discussion forum that I am hoping people will visit and join, I’d love to have a community there), and sitting a lot of the time in front of the computer. I know this disappoints Master, so why do I do it. There are so many other things that aren’t getting done, should be done, better things to do, more fun things to do. God I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder where I got my lazy attitude. And the odd thing is I’m not lazy about everything. I work very diligently on my website, my homework is always done, and I enjoy reading. But tell me to do some cleaning, or find another hobby to occupy my time and I will just turn my lip up and dismiss it.
I am a list maker. Anyone around me knows I make a list for practically everything; groceries, chores, homework, things to do, things to take with me someplace, bills to pay, people to write, on and on and on. I once made a list off all the things in my kitchen that I don’t use so that one day I can store them or sell them. (It never happened.) Why can’t I follow all these lists. What is the enjoyment of writing them if they are only half used, casually misplaced or forgotten? I tell myself all the time that I need to do the list, work on the list, write another list… I need a better way of organizing things I think.
And worst of all I should be dieting, but because I was extremely annoyed with the one diet I tried, I have yet to research and find another one. I need to exercise, but do I ever take the time out of my lazy boring, half working, half nothing day to put a tape in and do it? No. I’m a sad lot.
Now I’m sure people are wondering why Master doesn’t just punish me and be done with it. I’m not sure what he would do, or will do when he reads this but I do know he does things his own way. Your kink is not my kink. We are still learning and maturing. One day I will dread making a mistake, but I think Master knows when I am trying and when I am not and will deal with me on his own time. He has been extremely busy with work lately, and I’m sure there are thoughts in his head that I am not progressing like I should. I know I’m going to regret even writing this, but as I was told, this journal is for honesty and truth.
I am disappointed in myself. I can do better. I know I have the time to do more. Where is that spark, that desire to actually accomplish it?