Dear ex,

I’m moving on, after 2 years of separation, guilt, blame and sadness, I am moving forward. I know I’m very late in writing this letter, it should have been told you long before now. Now that I’m in a new relationship, a relationship I want, truly need; you must not interfere.

I am happy with Master. I want to fulfill my life with him to the fullest measure. I want to reveal my inner secrets, I want to hold nothing back from him. I want to give him now what I never could give you. He has my will to submit. You understand, two submissive people can not live together well, and I was not happy playing the leading role. I will not do that anymore in my worries about you.

No more will I feel sorry for your turn of life as I improve mine. I will not worry about your survival in the world any longer, you are on your own. For the longest time I blamed myself for your failure and your lack of thrive. If it was my fault, it was also yours. We have chosen our paths. Now we must go our separate ways.

I once desired you. Yes, there was a carnal thing between us. No longer. Stop dreaming of me, I do not want you any more. I once was a slut for you. Never again. You are my past, yes a sweet past, but you are not my future. I want my Master with me forever and his desire is my desire. You are no more.

I had to talk with you one last time today to realize that you were the reason I was being held back in my emotional freedom. You were the crutch in the door, keeping me from closing it. I needed to end it. I need you to realize that we are no longer husband and wife. That commitment has been ended.

It was a long path to where I stand today, I can only thank my Master for being there and helping me though it. HE is my new reason for living. HE is the one I desire. HE is the one I will be with. HE will see me through my trials and challenges, my successes and rejoicing. You have no hold on me any longer.

I can not live in the past, a rocky difficult past. I can not live with regrets and blame anymore. I refuse to live as I did with you in my mind everyday. I will not relay those memories and try to solve the problems that will never be solved. You carry that yourself until you let it go. I am ready to move on. I must move on. For my emotional health, for my life I must let you go. I am closing the door.

I once loved you with a passion I can only dimly recall. I will always carry a spot in my heart that will remember my first love. But I can’t hang on to that forever. It is hurting me. I must become who I am meant to become. Please understand that.

–luna

This blog is beginning to look like a depression party. I am constantly finding things out about myself that I really don’t like, wish to change, hate that I did or am disappointed in the outcome. Lately, as in starting last night, I felt really bad about the rules list that Master had given me starting the first of the year. I have not done my best to achieve my goals on that list, and for the most part, I haven’t even done the little things on it. For the time being he has been lenient, however I know that he will be getting on my case shortly as it has been quite a while without any improvement. Shame on me for not trying harder. I have no excuse really other than I think I can get away with it, and I do (Yes, I know Master reads this blog and the truth hurts, but it is what I must be, honest and truthful, and always forthcoming.) I kinda thought I would need micromanagement for quite some time as I took on new things to do. I am unsure how to monitor things myself. Does this make me a terrible person, that I can’t get done the things that would make Master the most happy and proud of me?

I have been working a lot on my website (just added a discussion forum that I am hoping people will visit and join, I’d love to have a community there), and sitting a lot of the time in front of the computer. I know this disappoints Master, so why do I do it. There are so many other things that aren’t getting done, should be done, better things to do, more fun things to do. God I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder where I got my lazy attitude. And the odd thing is I’m not lazy about everything. I work very diligently on my website, my homework is always done, and I enjoy reading. But tell me to do some cleaning, or find another hobby to occupy my time and I will just turn my lip up and dismiss it.

I am a list maker. Anyone around me knows I make a list for practically everything; groceries, chores, homework, things to do, things to take with me someplace, bills to pay, people to write, on and on and on. I once made a list off all the things in my kitchen that I don’t use so that one day I can store them or sell them. (It never happened.) Why can’t I follow all these lists. What is the enjoyment of writing them if they are only half used, casually misplaced or forgotten? I tell myself all the time that I need to do the list, work on the list, write another list… I need a better way of organizing things I think.

And worst of all I should be dieting, but because I was extremely annoyed with the one diet I tried, I have yet to research and find another one. I need to exercise, but do I ever take the time out of my lazy boring, half working, half nothing day to put a tape in and do it? No. I’m a sad lot.

Now I’m sure people are wondering why Master doesn’t just punish me and be done with it. I’m not sure what he would do, or will do when he reads this but I do know he does things his own way. Your kink is not my kink. We are still learning and maturing. One day I will dread making a mistake, but I think Master knows when I am trying and when I am not and will deal with me on his own time. He has been extremely busy with work lately, and I’m sure there are thoughts in his head that I am not progressing like I should. I know I’m going to regret even writing this, but as I was told, this journal is for honesty and truth.

I am disappointed in myself. I can do better. I know I have the time to do more. Where is that spark, that desire to actually accomplish it?

–luna

This week has been full of tests and quizzes, not all that challenging and then papers and more tests that have stretched the brain into acrobatic tricks I didn’t know I could do. I have had tests in all my classes this week, you would think it was mid terms if I didn’t know any better. The first essay I did for my Native Central America class turned out great and I added it to my website. Symbolism in the Mayan Ritual, the Cha-Chaac is interesting and hopefully an insightful work so that I can get a good grade on it. My Spanish test that I have today should be very challenging as we have only had 2 classes to learn new information, so all the requisition of new data had to be done at home with the help of the book. That’s just not good. I may have to tell the teacher we are just going too fast.

Master and I played last night, finally breaking in the new spanking horse. I am so happy to say that it was lots of fun, and quite enjoyable. I needed it so badly, and so did Master. He was so down before we played, and I’m certain it was because we hadn’t a chance to do so for quite some time. I want to work in some time almost weekly to play, as it does make us connect more, feel ourselves bonding more and life in general goes smoother. Besides, I’m really wanting a mark or two to remind me of times we have had.

Later last night, we had some of the most passionate lovemaking I think we have ever had. I was on fire, and I think Master really had a great time, he was beaming like a schoolboy for quite awhile after. I hope I can find that part of me again and show him my devotion, and my desire to just devour him, over and over again. I’m still feeling wonderful from last night and can see his smile behind my vision whenever I close my eyes. What a wonderful way to go through the day. Thank you Master.

I’m so grateful that Master is willing to work so hard to have money to do things, and I’m feeling guilty (only slightly) for my inactivity in getting a job. I’m awfully worried about my school work if I work too much, and once I commit to working, I know it is rude to drop hours. I shall have to see if maybe I can get more transcription jobs or something. I do want to be earning my part, even if some day in the future I want to only be working on making floggers for people, and running my home business. That is the ultimate dream.

This Saturday is the next CROP munch, and I’m really looking forward to it. I am hoping Master will come, he is worried about the volume of work he is doing and the time away might hurt that. I am concerned with his inability to plan free time away from work. I know he needs to be around lifestyle people as much as I do. I think he will do much better work wise if he takes the time to enhance his life with some relaxation and good company.

I have worked hard on redoing my website, making it easier to change and navigate so that I have less work to do as I keep adding things that I think will be helpful to people. I want people to come to this site and learn something. Sooner or later I am going to have to start writing my own essays to add it, to give it a personal spin, and share any knowledge that I may or may not have. I’m so proud of the work I’ve done with it, but also I know that Master is getting tired of hearing/ seeing it. He has his own work to do, and yet I keep bugging him about my page.

Well, I have yet another test to go study for, I guess I had better get on it.

–luna