February 2005

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I did a lot of housework today, and feel somewhat relieved that the house is clean. I never thought I would feel so good about my housework. I felt energized and have other cleaning to do later, maybe on Wednesday if I don’t have a lot of homework.

Speaking of homework I have some preparation to do for my next Spanish presentation. It happens shortly after Spring Break. I’m looking forward to Spring Break btw. Just to not have anything to do but be with Master. I hope to connect to that part of me that says, “just submit.” I know it’s there. I can feel it.

I found a really great yahoo group, that was posted in a local listserv that I want to share here. It’s called Simply Service and you can find it at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SimplyService/. Once a month the owner sends out a newsletter with information about how to be in a service oriented relationship. It is amazing. The last one was 16 pages in length with 13 different articles. I have never seen so much good information in one place. I suggest everyone go and join. I haven’t been able to read much of the most recent newsletter, but I find it quite informative, and it may help me find my submissive in service side of me that I long to at least enhance a bit.



There is a time in everyone’s life when they realize that there is more out there than helplessness. I can’t explain the feelings I’ve had since last Tuesday when I said good bye for good to my ex. I’m actually still adjusting to my new found place at Master’s feet. I think that my new revelation has helped Master prepare for his role of making my life… strict. He has shared his ideas with me, and even though right now they seem hard, and I know my life is going to be crazy when he finally kicks me in the bud, I am ready.

I’ve watched Master play his shoot ‘em up games today. He seems so serious about them, and then he gets that silly grin on his face and I know he is enjoying himself. God I can’t get enough of him.

This morning I woke Master up as usual and I laid over his chest, caressing his face. He looked at me with such love and desire it made me feel so good. He cares for me so much. I love to feel his hands on me, but even better is when he admits that my touch makes goosebumps. :)

He gives me goosebumps too, when he leans over from behind and kisses my neck. I feel so sexy in that moment, so desired and damn is he good at making me feel that way. I haven’t shown him however, and that troubles me. I haven’t shown him my desire for those little touches and caresses and I need to do that before he stops them altogether. I can’t let that happen. I need to be touched and loved. Please don’t forget to touch me Master.


That essay test yesterday was very challenging. I hope I did a good job. I filled up the entire bluebook. Now that the stress is gone from that test I can relax a bit. WRONG I have so much homework this weekend, I will be running hard just to catch up. Thank god Spring Break is in 2 weeks. It should be a nice break from things.

Master told me last night about his plans for me when I develop into the submissive he is striving for. Granted the conversation was at 1am and I was tired. I think I remember bits and pieces of it. It will involve strict control over me, what I wear, do and eat. He wants to take over the bills (by all means… ;) . He will be actively monitoring me to make sure I do all the rules and things that he assigns. He says he will make sure I am always happy and that I am provided for. Sounds like a lot of work, glad it’s not me… oh wait… it is.

I’m still exhausted from the major sexathon we had on Tuesday, and I guess it doesn’t help that I haven’t really given my body a break, but asked Master for more and more. Which he doesn’t object to mind you. I’m actually kinda looking forward to the fun we have planned tonight. Hopefully I will have recovered enough to enjoy it. Meh, I’m sure I will be.

Master and I have discovered that I really enjoy verbal abuse during a scene or just sex. [If you'd like to talk about verbal abuse in the context of play some more, post to my discussion forum.] He says he can tell it really puts me in the right headspace, and I wouldn’t disagree. After last night I was feeling extremely submissive. Granted I don’t know how to feel that way outside of scene, as I’m sure I would be offended if Master started calling me those things just around the house and what not. I’m sure it will come to me and I will begin to feel the pull to give over more of my life to him.

It’s amazing how you feel when the man you love calls you his slut/whore/bitch/cunt in that Dom voice of his. God it just stirs my insides all up and makes me melt. I become his animal then, the girl he can use rough and tumble and love him for it. I never thought I would appreciate something like that, in fact I was dead set against much of the verbal stuff in the beginning, thinking it would just bring out the past abuses of my childhood. So many of those were verbal. Quite the opposite. It makes me feel empowered yet weakened. A state of jello where I would just about anything no questions asked.

On my website I’m looking for a few good writers, to add their work to my reading bench. I was hoping for better response by now, but maybe there just aren’t any BDSM writers out there? I can’t be the only one that loves reading poetry and stories with a BDSM D/s flair. If you have work, please think about submitting it to me, and I would place it on my site with pleasure.


I'm free!

Yesterday I was free. I felt such a weight lifted off of me. I went to Master completely changed. Changed and super horny. My god I have never felt so insatiable. And well, being that Master is so young, we had a ball. The neighbors didn’t appreciate it. :) First time I’ve had them not only bang on the walls, but turn up the music really loud. I think when it was all over I had 3 orgasms, Master had 4, and the biggest thing.

Master was giving me quite a pussy slapping, one I hadn’t gotten ever, and boy was it shockingly good. I was launched into the space before subspace. Everything around me slowed down, I wasn’t expecting it and was shocked when sounds died, and I was just there, with Master and I reached out to him, pulling him to me. I was completely out of it until I heard my name. I guess Master had asked me a question. All I could say was, “I’m fine.”

So, now that I have made that step to move away from that connection I used to have with my ex I can really see where I was having problems. I can’t say that they will be solved instantly, but I know that I will be able to work harder because my mind won’t be elsewhere. I was worried about what Master would say when I told him that I talked with my ex and what I had said to him, but he seemed unexpectedly happy that I had made that step.

Today I have felt like I am hung over. My muscles are aching, my clit is very sore and I am still horny. What’s the deal? I keep wandering to yesterday in my mind and I feel like I could float on air. I am supposed to be working on homework, but I guess I’m going to have to work hard this weekend to keep up. I’m sure I can do it, if I’m not tied up this weekend being sexed to death. (MMMM, that sounds good.)


A letter to my ex

Dear ex,

I’m moving on, after 2 years of separation, guilt, blame and sadness, I am moving forward. I know I’m very late in writing this letter, it should have been told you long before now. Now that I’m in a new relationship, a relationship I want, truly need; you must not interfere.

I am happy with Master. I want to fulfill my life with him to the fullest measure. I want to reveal my inner secrets, I want to hold nothing back from him. I want to give him now what I never could give you. He has my will to submit. You understand, two submissive people can not live together well, and I was not happy playing the leading role. I will not do that anymore in my worries about you.

No more will I feel sorry for your turn of life as I improve mine. I will not worry about your survival in the world any longer, you are on your own. For the longest time I blamed myself for your failure and your lack of thrive. If it was my fault, it was also yours. We have chosen our paths. Now we must go our separate ways.

I once desired you. Yes, there was a carnal thing between us. No longer. Stop dreaming of me, I do not want you any more. I once was a slut for you. Never again. You are my past, yes a sweet past, but you are not my future. I want my Master with me forever and his desire is my desire. You are no more.

I had to talk with you one last time today to realize that you were the reason I was being held back in my emotional freedom. You were the crutch in the door, keeping me from closing it. I needed to end it. I need you to realize that we are no longer husband and wife. That commitment has been ended.

It was a long path to where I stand today, I can only thank my Master for being there and helping me though it. HE is my new reason for living. HE is the one I desire. HE is the one I will be with. HE will see me through my trials and challenges, my successes and rejoicing. You have no hold on me any longer.

I can not live in the past, a rocky difficult past. I can not live with regrets and blame anymore. I refuse to live as I did with you in my mind everyday. I will not relay those memories and try to solve the problems that will never be solved. You carry that yourself until you let it go. I am ready to move on. I must move on. For my emotional health, for my life I must let you go. I am closing the door.

I once loved you with a passion I can only dimly recall. I will always carry a spot in my heart that will remember my first love. But I can’t hang on to that forever. It is hurting me. I must become who I am meant to become. Please understand that.


Today is the first Dom/sub forums that I will be co running. I am pretty excited about a good turn out. We don’t have an RSVP set though, so who knows how many will appear for the discussion. I have done a bit of preparation for tonight so that I know a few different viewpoints that may come up and so that I can be prepared for anything that may come up. The forum is on Role Definitions and I have added a similar topic to my discussion forum so that we can talk about them here too. Let me know your thoughts.

Mater and I had a talk about my previous discussion on the journal, about my lack of following the rules he set. He’s going to incorporate some micromanagement to make sure I’m doing what I need to do. He has devised a points system for rewards. I hope I can make him happy. I’ve not done a very good job so far, and it’s only day 3.

I’m so not ready for my essay test on Thursday. I’m pretty nervous about the whole thing. I enjoy the class, but these tests are freaking me out. There is so much on this study guide that I have to know, it’s impossible to know it all. I will definitely prepare better for the next test.


This blog is beginning to look like a depression party. I am constantly finding things out about myself that I really don’t like, wish to change, hate that I did or am disappointed in the outcome. Lately, as in starting last night, I felt really bad about the rules list that Master had given me starting the first of the year. I have not done my best to achieve my goals on that list, and for the most part, I haven’t even done the little things on it. For the time being he has been lenient, however I know that he will be getting on my case shortly as it has been quite a while without any improvement. Shame on me for not trying harder. I have no excuse really other than I think I can get away with it, and I do (Yes, I know Master reads this blog and the truth hurts, but it is what I must be, honest and truthful, and always forthcoming.) I kinda thought I would need micromanagement for quite some time as I took on new things to do. I am unsure how to monitor things myself. Does this make me a terrible person, that I can’t get done the things that would make Master the most happy and proud of me?

I have been working a lot on my website (just added a discussion forum that I am hoping people will visit and join, I’d love to have a community there), and sitting a lot of the time in front of the computer. I know this disappoints Master, so why do I do it. There are so many other things that aren’t getting done, should be done, better things to do, more fun things to do. God I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder where I got my lazy attitude. And the odd thing is I’m not lazy about everything. I work very diligently on my website, my homework is always done, and I enjoy reading. But tell me to do some cleaning, or find another hobby to occupy my time and I will just turn my lip up and dismiss it.

I am a list maker. Anyone around me knows I make a list for practically everything; groceries, chores, homework, things to do, things to take with me someplace, bills to pay, people to write, on and on and on. I once made a list off all the things in my kitchen that I don’t use so that one day I can store them or sell them. (It never happened.) Why can’t I follow all these lists. What is the enjoyment of writing them if they are only half used, casually misplaced or forgotten? I tell myself all the time that I need to do the list, work on the list, write another list… I need a better way of organizing things I think.

And worst of all I should be dieting, but because I was extremely annoyed with the one diet I tried, I have yet to research and find another one. I need to exercise, but do I ever take the time out of my lazy boring, half working, half nothing day to put a tape in and do it? No. I’m a sad lot.

Now I’m sure people are wondering why Master doesn’t just punish me and be done with it. I’m not sure what he would do, or will do when he reads this but I do know he does things his own way. Your kink is not my kink. We are still learning and maturing. One day I will dread making a mistake, but I think Master knows when I am trying and when I am not and will deal with me on his own time. He has been extremely busy with work lately, and I’m sure there are thoughts in his head that I am not progressing like I should. I know I’m going to regret even writing this, but as I was told, this journal is for honesty and truth.

I am disappointed in myself. I can do better. I know I have the time to do more. Where is that spark, that desire to actually accomplish it?


Yesterday’s celebration of love and commitment was wonderful. I have never felt so alive, so loved and so much a part of someone else’s life. I can only say that I want more of the same for the future. Master and I celebrated our first Valentine’s Day yesterday with some traditional things, and some fun Kinky things. All in all, a superb day.

I woke Master up all dressed in a sexy lingerie outfit and we made wonderful passionate love. I think he really liked being “aroused” that way. I really had a wonderful feeling, and damn if the orgasm was very powerful. :)

We went out to lunch at a nice restaurant. I dressed up for him, and he loved it. It made me feel good to know that he was enjoying my sexy outfit. I only wish I had more opportunities to dress up for him… and a better wardrobe. At lunch, we were fortunate to catch a singing valentine group singing to one of the waitresses. I didn’t even know there was such a thing in the area. It was very romantic, and I would have been so embarrassed. I looked at Master, who seems to be the very romantic type and hoped I wouldn’t get something so publically embarrassing; no matter how romantic. And yet, deep inside, I was very envious of that woman.

After the lunch, I took a nap. I wanted to rest up for playing later. Which we did do. Quite intense session of spanking and breast bondage, with clothespins all over me. I love when Master spanks me. It stings like the dickens, and aches for a long time after but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. He is just so good at it. I didn’t think that the clothespins would hurt so much, but I was wrong, as he took them off I was on the edge of another world and here on Earth. I’ve never felt so good. Afterward, I was smiling for quite some time.

Dinner was just lunchmeat sandwiches, piled high with ham, chicken and roast beef. I was amazed at Master’s sandwich. It was huge! I can’t say I ate a small one myself. Boy we had a great time.

Valentine’s Day is full of romantics, and for me, I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Master is my Valentine, forever and always.


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