Trials and challenges always drain me of energy. I feel so exhausted today.
The munch Saturday went well and afterward Master and I went bowling with azriel. It was a lot of fun. I did blow out my right knee again, so I’m in a bit of pain. There was an incident near the end of the bowling event that needs discussing. In the camaraderie that went on with az and myself I spoke to her about how we might help Master bowl better. He turned around and said, “I thought I told you not to talk about me unless I’m not here.” I flippantly turned back a middle finger and he blew it. I was a bit shocked at the way he took offense. He turned silent, stopped touching me and basically shut off. I spent the rest of the night in uncomfortable silence. When we got home, it was my bedtime, but I insisted he talk to me, which he didn’t want to do. But after some huffing on my side, he finally opened up a bit. We found so many things about each other that we need to work on. Most of which apply to me.
I am fighting my submission every day. I am not sure why, as I requested from him structure and a firm hand. I long to have things taken from my control and given over to him completely. However, whenever he gives me a request or order I balk, and complain, or give him a “I’ll do it if I want to” attitude. I don’t know really how to work on that, only that it will take a ton of work. I was very emotional yesterday and we didn’t really talk much. I was so drained. I spent some time in the afternoon with az and we talked about things that may help me to work on my mental mindset. She also suggested something that I took to heart and will be doing.
Master will be setting up rules and expectations for me shortly to start following as best I can until they are mastered and then slowly increased as the depth of our relationship changes. As a part of that, az suggested having expectations set up with Master as to what I hope to get from him in the exchange of power. I wrote up what I wanted in return for my submission to Master and he seemed okay with what I wrote. So, we shall slowly progress into our relationship.
I begin classes again tomorrow. I’m kinda nervous of more work load and stress level I will be adding to what I already have. I guess I will have to see just how much of a workload I will get. I am certain that there will be more reading than I have had in recent semesters. I hope my stress and worries are ill founded and I can maintain my clean house and chores as well as look for a part time job and homework without feeling stretched.
I have begun to figure out how the submissive forums will go with the local group. I will confer with my co-partner before things are set and things are a bit more solid as to how we think they should be run. I am sure that this will be a success. Hard work, but well worth it. I hope I can encourage Master to go to the Dominant forums that will be held concurrently.
My diet is going well. I feel there are days that I fight it and want to quit, but I’m sure with encouragement and the global knowledge of everyone that I am dieting I can stick to what I need to. The exercise is annoying but I will survive. I hope I can do a bit of exercise tonight even if it is a bit as my knee is really sore. We shall see.