Boy was yesterday a bunch of up an downs. I finally got my refund check, so I can get my bills paid. I will feel relieved when I can get the checks sent on Monday. Then of course I feel anxiety because the refund just isn’t enough to live on and pay the bills. I have to get a job. Master really needs a job before I do. Is it too much to dream that he can find something by the end of the month? I’ve never prayed harder than I do now. I shouldn’t have any problem finding a job. I have plenty of experience in a variety of things. Just need to get out there and find it.
The evening was very rough. I got testy with Master and he got angry back. When he gets angry he does the “I’m ignoring you” thing. Really irks me. I didn’t want to do my exercises at the time, and he was insisting. Well, I held out and won, and an hour later got up to do them, on my terms. He was then mad that I was doing them at all; whatever the reason I don’t know. So I got angry, and when I get angry I have to talk it out.
So we sat down to talk. I vented and he vented and then we decided we needed to do some things in our relationship to help establish our positions more. I’m sure he is working on a new rules list for me to follow, we discussed the chore sheet and divided the chores evenly between us. I hope we can keep to that, I’m grumpy sometimes just because the house is untidy. I’ve gotten really unruly and back to my old self, and honestly I haven’t cared. I should, it is really hurting my new life with Master. I want a new life, I want to be his submissive, the one he holds on a pedestal but I can’t if I’m being bossy, snooty or straining.
With that in mind I need to work on my behavior and my personality around him. I need to somehow remind myself why I want to be his submissive, and how I was when he first moved in to reclaim that feeling of completeness. Right now I feel, blah. I want to release the stress of my life. I want him to take control of me with firm hands, a look of steamy power. I want to be drawn into him with a feeling of complete yielding. One day I will get there. I’ve got to work my butt off to get to that point, but I will. Master has confidence in me. I need to build that strength within myself.
I’m up really early this morning, mainly because I couldn’t sleep. I went to the bathroom to find the mild drip Master discovered last night is a big drip. I’m certain there is nothing the landlady can do about it while there is a ton of snow on the roof, and with my rent currently late, I am not calling her on it at this point. I am just going to have to live with a dripping ceiling for awhile.
Tonight is the CROP munch. I am looking forward to going to meet with friends and spend some time together. I’ve always wanted to be more active in the community and now I have my chance with the submissive forums I’m helping azriel run. They should start up next month, with this munch getting info from people on how they see it going for them. I think it might be successful.
Classes start back up on Tuesday for me. I hope I can handle the classwork well enough to pick up a part time job too. I don’t want my classes to be affected. I have so many dreams and plans, somehow I need to get my body in gear and start them.