January 2005

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Illness sets in

I woke today feeling miserable. I am hoping it is just a cold. I don’t know what is going around, and I hope I don’t give it to Master as he has a big job coming up.

I really don’t feel like posting much today, except that there are those that want updates into my life and find it interesting to say anything at all on here. I guess I could just encourage you all to surf my homepage, look around and learn about who you are reading about, while I curl up and recover from this illness.


My sexual self

I am a sexual being. I am allowed to feel sexy and horny. I need to express myself more to Master. I want him to need me as much as I want him.

Last night Master brought something to my attention for correction, yet again. This one really knocked me down. I never even thought there was something wrong, so you know I was blind. When we first met, Master and I talked about being extremely sexual beings and needing to express our love for each other physically as often as possible. After a honeymoon period something in me changed.

I am not the teasing, hypersexual person I once was. I don’t find myself being so horny that I can’t contain myself. I don’t draw attention to myself to Master. The big one is I don’t take initiative when it comes to sex. I guess I had some mispreconceptions when it came to sex within a D/s relationship.

I didn’t really know that it was okay for me to show my desire as it would be a control issue. I thought that if I told him I was horny and needed him it would be controling the situation. I realize Master has always said that he wanted me to be more aggressive in bed. I have no real excuse as to why I am not that way. I’m lazy. I use my weight as an excuse as to why I don’t have energy.

I don’t masturbate, first because Master doesn’t want me to, and second because I feel bad that he isn’t there to witness it. I know that when I don’t masturbate I don’t feel horny as often as I would if I masturbated a lot. I wonder if I can work on things so that our sexual lives are stronger than they are now.

I can let myself feel sexy and horny around him. I will show him when I want him, and need him. I will express myself as openly as possible. I will be the sexual being that I know I am inside. No more hiding, no more quiet reserved me. I will be Master’s slut, just as he wants me. In time… just need time.


Lasagne and Lightning

Last night’s dinner at azriel’s house was lots of fun. We arrived around 4:30 and Brie was already there. We finally met azriel’s roommate CJ. She’s quiet, very conservative and modest and interesting to talk to. Spent a nice time chatting and waiting for the last one to arrive. I so love being around friends. The conversation was nice, the cats where feisty and fun, and the snacks were perfect. When everyone had arrived (Integrity was last) we broke out dinner. Light and wonderful salad, lasagna that was the best I’ve had in awhile and wine.

After dinner was time for the surprise that azriel had been talking about for 3 days now. Brie got out her violet wand. She has one of those old ones, that were used in quack medicine. It is really kewl to see, and then Master and I got to try. The wand is like a tingly spark to a major spark. I enjoyed it at light intensity and it was pretty cool to feel on my skin. I’m sure that will just fire Master to get one of his own one day.

I’m feeling kinda groggy today. I might take a nap later on. I have some last minute homework to review tomorrow, and some cleaning to do tonight so that I’m happy about how the house looks. This place gets dirty so fast.


I haven’t posted here for awhile, and for that I’m not sure what to say other than I have a lot to catch up on.

First, Sunday Master and I played and I almost fainted. It was pretty scary so I made an appointment to see my doctor. Master was very worried for me and we stopped playing that night, which saddened me. I was so enjoying the play time before the mishap, I wanted to go back to it after I recovered. So, I didn’t get to play after that.

At the bar meet on Tuesday we asked everyone there if they could guess what was going on. There were guesses of high blood pressure, locked knees, and my recent diet changes affecting me. I took all that information and prepared to go to the doctor.

On Wednesday I went to the doctor and had to go through a 30 min test where I stood and they took my blood pressure every 5 min to monitor changes. The doctor then talked extensively with me about what it really was: hypoglycemic faints. Anyone that stands for long periods without movement can and will suffer lightheadedness, flush, floaty feelings and then faints. He suggested that I move more often and work pulse taking into play so that Master could monitor me better. I was so relieved to hear it wasn’t my blood pressure.

I’ve had a hard time this week drinking all the water that I’m supposed to in my diet. I guess I will have to work harder to keep up next week. I hope I can loose the weight I want to. I’m going to hate dieting forever, but it has to be a life change, not a diet. Master will help me with that. I have to exercise. I have to feel better about myself.

I have a presentation on Tuesday. This weekend, preferably Sunday I am going to work on getting it all together. I have to phone my partner in the afternoon so that we can work things through in order. I’m sure we will do fine, but I always stress about presentations, especially in Spanish.

Tomorrow Master and I go to azriel’s house for a lasagna dinner. It should be a great time. Brie and Integrity will be there too. I’m so happy to have friends around that we can do things with. Hopefully we will move one day and be closer to them. I thrive around friends.

Master is looking into more freelance work. I hope he can find something. I am also still waiting on job information so that I can work too. We really could use some income.


Living in silence

Master isn’t talking today. He’s in a major bad mood. He isn’t even horny, which makes me feel like crap because I’ve been trying to get his attention all day. It’s been a month since we played and I am beginning to really need to. He said we can play on Monday, god that seems so far away. I just want to be beat now, till I cry and relieve my stress.

I masturbated today, it felt nice to relieve my stress that way. It’s been a long time since I was able to do that. Since Master got here I haven’t done it without him watching. He has since changed a rule and said that I could as long as I don’t deny him any sexual favor that he requests. I’m sure I can handle that. I really needed the relaxation that I now feel.

Tomorrow is the scavenger hunt. I’m looking forward to seeing my friends again, and having a bit of kinky fun. I hope Master is in a better mood. He seems pretty darn testy lately. Like I don’t do anything right.

This time it’s his fault though. I’m not taking blame. He needs to figure out what he wants from me and work to get it. I’m not a mind reader. I don’t know what he wants, nor how to achieve it. If he doesn’t sit down and figure out for himself what he wants of me soon, I’m going to go crazy. I’m trying to be good, but what I need to strive for is an invisible goal. One that will never be reached as long as he just idles by and maintains the boyfriend, bedroom Master persona. He said he doesn’t want to be like that. He told me he wants to be lifestyle. Goodness if I can’t do everything.

So today I sit here in silence as we do things separately today, desperately wanting him to just get up and hold me. Any attempts myself and I just got stared at like, “What are you doing?” No go. Nothing. This really sucks.


Mundane Activities

** What book, movie, or website most influenced your first impressions of what slavery was about? How has that changed as you started living as a slave? Two Hearts One Soul gave me the most insight to what living as a slave would be like. You can still find the beautiful pages at: http://www.twoheartsonesoul.com. I love the view of a real life couple that lives through challenges and daily life, and yet has a beautiful relationship.

When I got up this morning I never realized how much I could get done, and not get done. I spent 5 hours on the computer adding links and webrings to my website so that others can see it and that is the point of the website anyhow, right? Well, then I worked on homework and got the bulk of it done without troubles.

We went out to dinner with az tonight so that we can work on the submissive forum. We have a few ideas that hopefully will work, and well… we’ll know more when we talk to the head of the community group.

We have a fun munch on Saturday. A scavenger hunt in Menards. Boy what a pervy time we will have. There are supposed to be 7 people there at least. That is good for a WHIP munch. I can’t wait to get back to bar meets, starting this Tuesday. Hopefully Master will enjoy himself too.


PS: This was intentionally devoid of emotions or thoughts because I am still working on putting these thoughts into words.

Trials and challenges always drain me of energy. I feel so exhausted today.

The munch Saturday went well and afterward Master and I went bowling with azriel. It was a lot of fun. I did blow out my right knee again, so I’m in a bit of pain. There was an incident near the end of the bowling event that needs discussing. In the camaraderie that went on with az and myself I spoke to her about how we might help Master bowl better. He turned around and said, “I thought I told you not to talk about me unless I’m not here.” I flippantly turned back a middle finger and he blew it. I was a bit shocked at the way he took offense. He turned silent, stopped touching me and basically shut off. I spent the rest of the night in uncomfortable silence. When we got home, it was my bedtime, but I insisted he talk to me, which he didn’t want to do. But after some huffing on my side, he finally opened up a bit. We found so many things about each other that we need to work on. Most of which apply to me.

I am fighting my submission every day. I am not sure why, as I requested from him structure and a firm hand. I long to have things taken from my control and given over to him completely. However, whenever he gives me a request or order I balk, and complain, or give him a “I’ll do it if I want to” attitude. I don’t know really how to work on that, only that it will take a ton of work. I was very emotional yesterday and we didn’t really talk much. I was so drained. I spent some time in the afternoon with az and we talked about things that may help me to work on my mental mindset. She also suggested something that I took to heart and will be doing.

Master will be setting up rules and expectations for me shortly to start following as best I can until they are mastered and then slowly increased as the depth of our relationship changes. As a part of that, az suggested having expectations set up with Master as to what I hope to get from him in the exchange of power. I wrote up what I wanted in return for my submission to Master and he seemed okay with what I wrote. So, we shall slowly progress into our relationship.

I begin classes again tomorrow. I’m kinda nervous of more work load and stress level I will be adding to what I already have. I guess I will have to see just how much of a workload I will get. I am certain that there will be more reading than I have had in recent semesters. I hope my stress and worries are ill founded and I can maintain my clean house and chores as well as look for a part time job and homework without feeling stretched.

I have begun to figure out how the submissive forums will go with the local group. I will confer with my co-partner before things are set and things are a bit more solid as to how we think they should be run. I am sure that this will be a success. Hard work, but well worth it. I hope I can encourage Master to go to the Dominant forums that will be held concurrently.

My diet is going well. I feel there are days that I fight it and want to quit, but I’m sure with encouragement and the global knowledge of everyone that I am dieting I can stick to what I need to. The exercise is annoying but I will survive. I hope I can do a bit of exercise tonight even if it is a bit as my knee is really sore. We shall see.


Boy was yesterday a bunch of up an downs. I finally got my refund check, so I can get my bills paid. I will feel relieved when I can get the checks sent on Monday. Then of course I feel anxiety because the refund just isn’t enough to live on and pay the bills. I have to get a job. Master really needs a job before I do. Is it too much to dream that he can find something by the end of the month? I’ve never prayed harder than I do now. I shouldn’t have any problem finding a job. I have plenty of experience in a variety of things. Just need to get out there and find it.

The evening was very rough. I got testy with Master and he got angry back. When he gets angry he does the “I’m ignoring you” thing. Really irks me. I didn’t want to do my exercises at the time, and he was insisting. Well, I held out and won, and an hour later got up to do them, on my terms. He was then mad that I was doing them at all; whatever the reason I don’t know. So I got angry, and when I get angry I have to talk it out.

So we sat down to talk. I vented and he vented and then we decided we needed to do some things in our relationship to help establish our positions more. I’m sure he is working on a new rules list for me to follow, we discussed the chore sheet and divided the chores evenly between us. I hope we can keep to that, I’m grumpy sometimes just because the house is untidy. I’ve gotten really unruly and back to my old self, and honestly I haven’t cared. I should, it is really hurting my new life with Master. I want a new life, I want to be his submissive, the one he holds on a pedestal but I can’t if I’m being bossy, snooty or straining.

With that in mind I need to work on my behavior and my personality around him. I need to somehow remind myself why I want to be his submissive, and how I was when he first moved in to reclaim that feeling of completeness. Right now I feel, blah. I want to release the stress of my life. I want him to take control of me with firm hands, a look of steamy power. I want to be drawn into him with a feeling of complete yielding. One day I will get there. I’ve got to work my butt off to get to that point, but I will. Master has confidence in me. I need to build that strength within myself.

I’m up really early this morning, mainly because I couldn’t sleep. I went to the bathroom to find the mild drip Master discovered last night is a big drip. I’m certain there is nothing the landlady can do about it while there is a ton of snow on the roof, and with my rent currently late, I am not calling her on it at this point. I am just going to have to live with a dripping ceiling for awhile.

Tonight is the CROP munch. I am looking forward to going to meet with friends and spend some time together. I’ve always wanted to be more active in the community and now I have my chance with the submissive forums I’m helping azriel run. They should start up next month, with this munch getting info from people on how they see it going for them. I think it might be successful.

Classes start back up on Tuesday for me. I hope I can handle the classwork well enough to pick up a part time job too. I don’t want my classes to be affected. I have so many dreams and plans, somehow I need to get my body in gear and start them.


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