A question to answer: Do you journal for yourself, or is it something your owner expects? Does your owner read your journal? Do you write with your owner in mind as an audience?
I write. I write a lot when I do write. Something inside of me that pulls me to putting my thoughts down in words. I love to write poetry when the mood strikes me. I find my thoughts flow better when I put them down than when I am talking. Sometimes I think it would be so much better for my relationship if I just wrote everything down. It sure would help me from speaking without thinking and getting into trouble. Like last night…
I said things to Master that shouldn’t have been said, that really didn’t have any basis for real life in them. I told him that if we weren’t matched that maybe he should just leave. I didn’t mean it. I wanted to express my frustration and I did the first thing that came out of my mouth. It was all cruel and I don’t know if there was anything more evil I could have said. I can’t say I was thinking when I said it because I was instantly full of guilt. I can only hope that Master will forgive and forget sometime soon.
Master reads my diary every time I post something. I have it directly emailed to his account so that he can’t miss a post. It is a requirement that I write in it, as part of my growth. I felt that when I wasn’t writing in it that I was missing something helpful and nurturing. When I write I find myself feeling more connected to myself as a submissive, at finding my heart beating in my Master’s hand and with that I can be more what he wants, I can gear my life to his and I can find my faults, ponder them, and then work them through.
I write my blog as my Master as the main audience, but I like to know that others out there are reading and hopefully learning from my mistakes, my travels and my thoughts. I don’t think I’d write online if I didn’t think that others wouldn’t learn from what I am going through. I’m not original, I’m not normal, predictable or common, but I can say that my life can be mundane, my thoughts normal and tiny and my hopes and dreams the same as any person out there.
I am constantly looking for more resources, I read so much and try to take from it what I can and learn from what I don’t understand. I have a large selection of websites I like to peruse and there are endless essays and newslists I’m on. I don’t know if I can really learn all there is to it, because just my reading isn’t enough, Master has to read and know what I’m reading too. I guess I could incorporate that into my journal at some point. I used to think about what I read and write a response to it. It might help me personally and I can put it on my to do list for later on down the road, when I know I can make the time for it.
I have figured that I am going to do the Food Mover diet from Richard Simmons after the new year. I hope to get it going really well, no matter how miserable I will feel at the beginning as my body adjusts to more activity and less calories. I hope that I can earn the rewards I have set and not have to feel too many of the punishments I have set up. Master has said he will be my motivation and will probably do the exercise with me (ie. videos). We shall see how I do.
I have to just dig in my heels and commit myself. I will do it. No going back.