I hope all New Year’s Resolutions turn out to change your lives for the better and that laughter and joy follow you into the New Year.
Well, I knew it was coming. Master and I have spent the past 2 weeks together nonstop without a break from each other. No one can really do that without reaching ropes end and grating on each other’s nerves. Last night Master asked me to take some time out and go somewhere today so that we can recharge our batteries. I am currently working on where to go exactly as money is a major factor. The factor being we don’t have any. I could aways go to the library or sit in the mall for a spell. I’m sure it will do me some good to get away for awhile also.
I have begun reading, for the second time, Wuthering Heights. Now I remember why I never finished it the first time. It’s a gloomy book. I hope it cheers up a bit of I am going to dread starting it. Oh well, all for the betterment of my mind. I am hoping I have time when classes start to keep up with my reading, as I find it refreshing and my own little quiet time in itself.
Yesterday Master sat down with the knots book we borrowed from the local group’s library and learned a few basic knots and hitches. Then we went off to the bedroom to practice them. I can tell you it was a lot more fun than hearing him say, “Now how am I going to tie this so it works.” I am sure he felt good about himself as well, and he took a picture of it just because. I am glad that he took the time to look over the knots. I know he wants to make me happy, but I felt that learning a couple knots would make him happy as well.
For a few days now, Master has been wanting to do some impact play. I can see it in his eyes. I haven’t felt like bearing pain for awhile, and I’m not sure why exactly except that it requires a large amount of mental strength, of which I do not have right now. I’m sure after I recharge my batteries so to speak, I will feel more myself.
I’ve been the opposite of submissive lately and getting into arguments with Master over the silliest things. I’m in full rebel mode, and then I feel horrible. I’m not sure what is wrong with me. Maybe part of it is the fact that in one week I will be dieting and I’m really nervous about how it will all work. I remember last time I dieted I was so hungry and miserable that I just quit. I hope I can get over that this time and Master will be my rock.
I have begun looking for a job for me, and Master again, as the new year approaches we really need to get out there as often as possible and try to get hired. I need to work around 20 hours a week, and Master wants a full time job. Anything will work, everything will be considered, now we just have to find it.
I have all these new pictures of my cousins and my godson and no frames to put them in. I will have to change that. I’m sure I have some old frames from my past marriage that I can scavenge and find frames for. I really want professional pictures done of Master and I after the semester starts. I’m sure Walmart is cheap. It’s not like I need a lot of them, just some to send to family and then ones for around the house.
I’ve looked at someone’s website today that really got me irked. When did I become so picky over what websites look like? Mine isn’t that awesome that I have any room to say anything, but goodness. Midi music sucks, and to not be able to shut it off is even worse. There was so much flash on that page that it took forever to load, and then I realized the entire site was flash, yuck. Oh, and then there are the ones where every page is different. Not 6 mo ago I would have thought it was cool (and just like my page) but now I think it’s tacky.
I’ve been trying to brainstorm ideas for improving my page, and soon enough it will be frequented by surfers and hopefully they will impart some knowledge from it. I want to create a submissions page, where others out there can submit their works, essays and the like to join my page. I guess a dream would be to have this as a hub site, not near as confusing as castlerealm but with decent information, varying opinions, all sorts of topics and somehow an index of it all so that it’s easy to find. Of course if there are any suggestions from those that read my journal, let me know.
OH, those of you that write journals, there is a way cool place to go if you are stuck and don’t know what to write about, or want a bit of inspiration. It’s called Kindlings: http://www.inhischains.com/kindlings/ and every week the author posts new topics and quotes to help you think. I love it. I think I will add it to my links to Submissive Blogs I follow so that everyone can take a look.
A question to answer: Do you journal for yourself, or is it something your owner expects? Does your owner read your journal? Do you write with your owner in mind as an audience?
I write. I write a lot when I do write. Something inside of me that pulls me to putting my thoughts down in words. I love to write poetry when the mood strikes me. I find my thoughts flow better when I put them down than when I am talking. Sometimes I think it would be so much better for my relationship if I just wrote everything down. It sure would help me from speaking without thinking and getting into trouble. Like last night…
I said things to Master that shouldn’t have been said, that really didn’t have any basis for real life in them. I told him that if we weren’t matched that maybe he should just leave. I didn’t mean it. I wanted to express my frustration and I did the first thing that came out of my mouth. It was all cruel and I don’t know if there was anything more evil I could have said. I can’t say I was thinking when I said it because I was instantly full of guilt. I can only hope that Master will forgive and forget sometime soon.
Master reads my diary every time I post something. I have it directly emailed to his account so that he can’t miss a post. It is a requirement that I write in it, as part of my growth. I felt that when I wasn’t writing in it that I was missing something helpful and nurturing. When I write I find myself feeling more connected to myself as a submissive, at finding my heart beating in my Master’s hand and with that I can be more what he wants, I can gear my life to his and I can find my faults, ponder them, and then work them through.
I write my blog as my Master as the main audience, but I like to know that others out there are reading and hopefully learning from my mistakes, my travels and my thoughts. I don’t think I’d write online if I didn’t think that others wouldn’t learn from what I am going through. I’m not original, I’m not normal, predictable or common, but I can say that my life can be mundane, my thoughts normal and tiny and my hopes and dreams the same as any person out there.
I am constantly looking for more resources, I read so much and try to take from it what I can and learn from what I don’t understand. I have a large selection of websites I like to peruse and there are endless essays and newslists I’m on. I don’t know if I can really learn all there is to it, because just my reading isn’t enough, Master has to read and know what I’m reading too. I guess I could incorporate that into my journal at some point. I used to think about what I read and write a response to it. It might help me personally and I can put it on my to do list for later on down the road, when I know I can make the time for it.
I have figured that I am going to do the Food Mover diet from Richard Simmons after the new year. I hope to get it going really well, no matter how miserable I will feel at the beginning as my body adjusts to more activity and less calories. I hope that I can earn the rewards I have set and not have to feel too many of the punishments I have set up. Master has said he will be my motivation and will probably do the exercise with me (ie. videos). We shall see how I do.
I have to just dig in my heels and commit myself. I will do it. No going back.
Well, I do have to say that the holidays were thankfully swift in passing. I was worried that my time with my dad would be difficult. I did have a bout of panic, but then I was okay. I am glad that Master was there with me to keep my composure.
I got a lot of nice presents, the big thing being a bunch of novels, all classics that I can’t wait to get into. I don’t know which one to read first, but I am sure that when I have time I can get to all of them. I finished the Kushiel’s Dart series while there and will have to get a copy of my own when I can. I thought they were excellent and portrayed a different idea of SM than I have ever read. It was fantastical and awesome.
I came home to find my old hamster had died while I was away. I will miss him, and I feel sad to not have him around anymore, but he was old. Lord Byron will forever be remembered though. He was one of a kind.
I feel sad for Master. He didn’t get anything from his family. No cards, no phone calls, no emails. It’s like he has just dropped away and they don’t acknowledge him. I don’t know what to do to help him at all with this. It has to be hard. I don’t remeber my first holiday away very well, but I know I was miserable. I just hope I can keep his mind on other things.
I have my diet to plan now that New Year is coming. I don’t know all that I am going to do, but I do have to start a punishment reward system and work on what kind of excersizes I am going to do. Master will help me plan this I’m sure. Then we just have to impliment a healthy eating plan. Well, I really hope it all works out in the end. I don’t want to be fat anymore.
I am on my snowy way to my father’s for Christmas today. I hope all goes well and I can find happiness this season. Tomorrow my sister gets married and I am so excited for her. I have been busy packing since last night and have just a bit more before we are under way.
Master on the other hand is still sleeping, and will be for awhile, as he doesn’t have a lot to do before we leave. I am trying to leave him alone and not ask him questions, but it only works for short periods of time.
We have packed a toybag, in case the feeling strikes us. I hope dad doesn’t catch us… *lol* I’m hoping we can play a little while there, I’m always in the mood to see that look on Master’s face.
I woke up with the headache I went to sleep with last night. I hope it goes away soon, the drive isn’t going to help me much. Ahhh, winter travel, how I missed it (NOT).
Tomorrow we leave for my hometown to stay with my father for the holidays. I can say now that I am very nervous and slightly uncomfortable with the time I will be spending with him. My childhood around him was not good, and after only a few hours in his presence I get all those memories flooding back. I hope Master will be able to recognize when I need a break and with that, something to do or somewhere to go.
I am getting very excited for my sister’s wedding on Wednesday. I hope she has ideas for how she wants her hair done, as well as the maid of honor’s hair. I haven’t styled hair for quite some time, but I’m sure I can do something nice with it. I have to be there early in the morning, which is no big deal for me, but it will be a long day, and nights always make me tired faster. I still haven’t decided what I’m going to wear that day, as it will be very cold. I was thinking that black slacks would be just fine. I hope the wind dies a bit, or styling hair won’t be a problem, it will be keeping it that way.
It sure doesn’t feel like Christmas without any presents to exchange between Master and I. I hate that we are so poor that we couldn’t afford to do that this year. I certainly hope next year is better on many different fronts. I want to be done with school soon as well, so badly. Part of me is terrified that I will not know what to do with my life after school, I worked my ass off before attending, and I am not really looking forward to that again.
My dream for a home based business is still on the back burner as my first and foremost hope is to find Master a job. I can tell he is walking around the house with a need to do something. I wish I could help him with that. The holidays are always a hard time to job hunt as well. He knows that. I hope luck will help us in the coming year.
I don’t really know what else to do with my website, although I would love to start writing my own essays on things, make it more personal. Perhaps free time will smile on me and I will do so. I also would like to keep going on my Luna Series of stories. I enjoyed writing them. I have joined a few webrings to see if my page will get more visitors. I’m not sure if input is forthcoming, but I would like to think that those visiting would comment on what they’d like to see here.
My father should have arrived in the state on Friday. Master and I are supposed to stay with him this week for Christmas. He has yet to call me to tell me where that will be. I don’t know where he is and that makes me annoyed. I hope he will call me today to let me know, or my tension will just get higher. I don’t know why it has taken him 2 days to call me in the first place. I don’t know how he expects us to stay with him if we can’t find him.
Master has been really down since his birthday. His mother has yet to email him or send him a card. I hate to think that she forgot, mothers really don’t forget things like that. I wish there was a way to cheer him up. The idea of spending Christmas with all my family isn’t helping matters either. He is really tense and nervous, of that I’m sure.
I have been reading a series of books lately by Jacquiline Carey. Kushiel’s Dart series. I love it. It’s about an anguisette (masochist touched by the gods) and her life. I will certainly have to thank azriel for lending them to me. It is a blessing to not have to think a lot during my holiday / semester break.
I hope I can get through all the activities this week as well. I’m pretty nervous at seeing family I’ve not seen for a long while. It always puts me on edge. I don’t want Master to have to help keep me strong and himself as well. It just wouldn’t be fair.
Yesterday was a great day for Master’s birthday. I woke early and bathed and prepared myself for Master before he got up. It was such a wonderful smile that greeted me when I woke him. I didn’t really know what I wanted to happen or what to do that day, so I let it govern itself. I gave Master the present I had purchased; a new robe. He loved it and put it on straight away. Then I told him of the other surprise.
Master has wanted a tattoo since just after arriving here to be with me, and I had saved so that we could at least go find out how much it cost. Lucky for us, it was not expensive and he has a fresh tattoo on his left shoulder to show the world the BDSM emblem. I know he likes it a lot, and I smile each time I catch a glimpse of it.
I made a dish for dinner that Master had been missing since leaving the UK, chicken curry. He ate it happily and that made me feel good. The cake turned out good as well. Honestly I am surprised that he enjoyed the meal so much. I hope I can please him like that with other cooking abilities.
Last night we played and it was more spiritual to me than physical. My heart was there for him and he teased me and gave me the pleasant pain that I love. I got his touch, his love and his devotion and I gave him my submission to him. Every nerve stood on end as he touched me, worshiping him. I feel so good today now, like I could walk on water.
There are so many plans to accomplish before we leave on Tuesday for Christmas vacation, and I have started a small list so that we can get most of them done this weekend. I hate putting things off to the last minute so I will be trying to get as many of them done today as possible. I’m getting excited for my sister’s wedding, that will happen on Wednesday. I’m sure she will look beautiful in the gown I gave her. I hope I can fullfill her idea of what she wants her hair to look like as well, for she has asked me to do that for her.
The new year brings new changes in my life. A diet and excersize program to start, a more active role in the local BDSM communities, a part time job and devoted time to flogger-making so that one day I can have a small business. So much to do, I need to prepare myself for all the changes. I will be starting a reward system for the diet, writing up a new resume for the job hunt, and working to get supplies to make floggers. I will look to Master for all the strength and motivation I can get.
I am so looking forward to being done with my tests today and moving on to a holiday with my Master. I think I need the time off to think on things, work on my crafts and just enjoy free time. When next semester starts I need to look for a part time job and then pray that Master finds a job as well. I try not to let things worry me, but if he doesn’t get a job soon, he will have to return to the UK. I don’t want that to happen.
I’ve been at a loss for things to say so I went searching through topics and journal ideas, and one just shot through me, so I’m going to wing off of that. The question was: When was the last time you had a mindshattering orgasm?
I first have to figure out was exactly is a mindshattering orgasm. In my opinion it is one that causes you to be unable to move, on a sensory high, completely content spiritually and a feeling of happiness. The last time I had an orgasm like this was around my birthday. Master and I were just getting to know each other physically and he spent a long time touching and teasing me that night. He asked me what I enjoyed, if it felt good and checked on my arousal at every turn. He rubbed my clit till I just couldn’t take it any more. I remember the orgasm was very hard, and I shuddered, my mind when warping overhead and all I could think of was that this man was who I wanted forever.
To understand why it has been so long since my last orgasm like that would have to involve my stress level and the amount of time Master has spent on warming me up lately. I know I’m horny a lot, I can feel my body getting all warm and I can’t help but imagine Master having his way with me. I also know that there is no way I’m ready for an orgasm of my own right away. For someone else to cause me to orgasm takes about a half hour, sometimes more. I prefer manual orgasms to penetration ones, only because they are more intense. I like that Master can bring me to orgasm during sex, but also know that those orgasms are mild in comparison to when he patiently rubs my clit and teases my pussy. I feel more under his control then, I believe.
I don’t want to ever pass up cumming at all, as I don’t get to as often as I did when I was single, but there are times I just want to cum and nothing else. It’s a stress reliever, has a calming effect on me and just makes me a brighter happier person. Master is not inadequate. I have just not expressed what I need to so that he knows what I want. I find it easier to write this than to talk to him directly about it. I’m not sure why, as just about everything else we talk about. Perhaps it is because I feel it is like controling the situation. I don’t want him to think I have to have things. They are desires. All my desires are from him and they are under his control. I have to try to make him aware of them and perhaps then I can express what I need and want correctly.
I have never been as open about anything as I am with Master. It is a challenge sometimes not to keep things to myself and I know that frustrates him when I have something bothering me and I don’t feel the need to tell him. There are times that I think something is bothering him, or I know something is, but he won’t talk about it right away, and that gets me all irked too, so I understand. No one said a relationship was easy, and I’m finding my self struggle to be more of a wrench in my side than it is benefiting us. I need to just speak up sometimes. I need to learn that he loves me no matter what and we will share everything.
I am my Master’s all. I will show him that my heart is truely devoted. One day I will not struggle, but submit.
Last night was full of ups and downs. I never realized how badly I needed play, and when it was all said and done, I felt wonderfully warm, sore and happy that Master was so good to me (or is that considered bad?). We tried a new bondage position that had been occupying my dreams of late, and it turned out to be quite fun. My bum is still a bit sore today, but that is a wonderful reminder of the fine time I had last night.
Then later, after we had relaxed and watched tv for awhile, I made a request. I asked to have an orgasm, as I hadn’t had one in the scene and was aching for release. When Master said no many thoughts came to mind. Ones that made me upset, frustrated, confused and then annoyed with myself. I thought why not? He got his, why can’t I have mine? Why can’t I go masturbate to feel release? Why can’t he allow me the pleasure of release when I so kindly- asked? Why did I give him that right anyhow? What makes him decide whether I should have one or not? Am I submissive if I question what he says? Do I do it, and face punishment? At least I’d get what I wanted. I’m his submissive, I have no right to think like this, his say is final, why am I arguing with myself?
I cried for awhile, not sure of the answers to all this, and not sure how to talk to Master either. He was worried for me, and rightly so I’m sure. I’m still not certain of all the answers but I know that I have to give him final say. His decisions with my life are for the betterment of me. I should trust him to know what I need and if he thinks I don’t need an orgasm, then I should accept it as the right decision. Frustration really sucks.
In the early morning Master came to bed and woke me up to play with me again, this time during sex I was allowed to have an orgasm and I was so relieved from the stress I had felt. I still don’t get why some orgasms are better than others though. I woke up just as horny as I was last night and no clue why. I got what I thought I needed in the middle of the night, I shouldn’t need any more. *sigh*
I have to do some major studying for finals coming on Tuesday. I’m really nervous about the linguistics test. I hope I have learned everything I can. I need to do some reading for it yet, and review. My other exam isn’t hard at all. I hope to get going on a few floggers that I had planned to be done with for Christmas as well.
There is the task of making bracelets to replace the cuffs I wear at night so that when we are at Dad’s we don’t have to worry about questions. I am waiting to hear from my sister as well about the wedding. I don’t know when she wants me there. I don’t know how long I want to spend with my father either.
Well, today has a full slate, I guess I should get going on it.
After a wonderful afternoon yesterday and then what I thought was a great night with some friends Master and I went home and I got reprimanded once again for something I seem to do a lot anymore. During the evening, I included in conversation my past play, possible weaknesses and flaws that Master, being new, has and I didn’t know when to hold me tongue and what was hurting him. I don’t know why I do that. It’s not really bragging anymore, but just trying to involve myself in conversation, feel hmmm, accepted. I guess I haven’t realized that I am accepted as I am, not as I was. I feel bad for hurting Master as I did, and I know I need to learn to watch my tongue. Master suggested a signal system till I can get it through my mind to think before I speak. Something that will tell me I’ve stepped boundaries, or am talking out of turn. I think we should try that, for I am afraid of making him look anything less than what he truly is. He is a wonderful man and the natural control he wields is more than my mind can comprehend.
This weekend also begins my diet plans. I have to write down times and amounts of food I’m eating for a week so that we can see if my weakness is snacking, binges, or just overconsumption. Then we can work on that as well as getting me up and moving. Life will be hard come January, but I truly feel the need to loose weight and feel healthy again. I want to get back to my weight at high school graduation. That would be 100 lbs lost. Some day I will get there, and I hope Master can help me without making me feel like it’s too hard of a challenge. I hope to make him happy with me.
Tomorrow we are going to play I hope. I’m kinda feeling the pull to have some pain play, some sense of submission, helpless play, anything where I can give myself over to Master completely. I need to shave tonight so that I am perfect for him. I am hoping that soon I will be able to open myself completely and be my raw self. I have been scared to do that with him. A relationship scares me, there is so much more involved than just being. I have opened up to play partners in the past only because I know there isn’t anything more to it. With him, I have to give him all, and then hope that the fates that be will bring me back and I can be a person again. I’m afraid that my raw self is so exposed, and I shelter and protect myself, always have. To be vulnerable is to be weak, and I can’t let him see how weak I can get.
I am again drawn to the fact that Master will be here without visa in a few weeks and then what do we do? He needs a job so badly, I’m terrified that I will come home from class one day and they will have taken him away. It is just so hard to find a company that is hiring here, so hard to see that fulfilled. All I can do is hope for a miracle.
Christmas is coming and we have to spend it with my father. I am not looking forward to it much. My father and I have had strained relations since the abuse ended. I know it is over, and Master can protect me, but I still don’t know how I will survive days with Dad. My sister gets married on the 22nd and I am so excited about it. She is so happy now, with a new baby and a new life. I am glad that I was able to help by giving her my dress to wear. She looked so beautiful in it, and I know she wouldn’t have had anything like it without me.
Finals are next week and I am getting nervous about vacation and all the free time. I want to get so much stuff done, and yet I know with Master here I will want to be with him as well. We shall see just how much I get done.
Well, I’ve sat here this morning for 4 hours, part of which I chatted, surfed the net, and then worked on my linguistics paper, for which I only have one page left and it is done. So why is it so hard to conclude a damn paper? I guess I can get it done this afternoon or tomorrow after class.
Finals are next week, and lucky me I only have 2 on Tuesday and I am done. I have to study this weekend sometime as I don’t feel ready for the immense stress of test-taking. I’m just whining for nothing, if you haven’t guessed. I’m sure I’ll do fine, I always do.
I wrote a poem this morning, another pantoum. I’m finding the form challenging, which is probably why I like trying them, perhaps I will do a sestina next. who knows. Here’s the new poem:
We strive for the ideal.
Never knowing exactly where that begins
and where we place now;
driving us further to perfection somehow.
Never knowing exactly where that begins;
our hearts and minds absorb all we can learn.
Driving us further to perfection somehow;
we take our places of power.
Our hearts and minds absorb all we can learn,
so that one day we shall look and feel and know;
as we take our places of power;
We have stepped nearer to that ideal.
That one day when we shall look and feel and know
He is Master, I am slave.
We have stepped nearer to that ideal
Once our lives no longer separate, but meld.
He is Master, I am slave,
and where we place now,
Our lives no longer separate, but meld.
We strive for the ideal.
I think it was pretty good for 9am. I might work it a bit, and then again I might not. I kinda like it just the way it is. You can leave comments on it if you wish, I don’t mind a bit of constructive criticism. In fact I learn a lot from what others have to say about my work. It makes me dream of being a famous poet. Don’t think I will get around to it, but a dream still keeps me going.
Tonight we go out with a couple friends from the local group. I can’t wait. It is so nice to not have to hide who you are with people. I can be myself and enjoy the evening. Of course, most of my friends know exactly who I am and don’t mind either so I don’t know why I am complaining at all. I can’t understand people that hide themselves. I would feel so trapped. The point of this lifestyle is for me to feel free.
Last night Master and I had a short talk about where we thought we were relationship-wise, and I expressed my feelings of it going really slow. I want to add another ritual to our life and not sure where or when to add it. It doesn’t have to be everyday like the collar exchange but something just to reaffirm myself with him. Master expressed unyeilding patience with my rebellious nature. I am still bucking from service “unless I want to” and that isn’t good. I’m not sure how to work through it, and neither is he at this point, but it will get worked around I’m sure. I want to please him, just have to get over the whole no no no mindset.
Master’s birthday is next Thursday and if all goes well, it should be a wonderful day for him to enjoy whatever he wishes to do. I hope I make him happy and that it is a memorable day for him.
I woke up today feeling ill. I think I may have caught a cold, which isn’t good as I have final exams next week and a cold will just make it hard to study. I have to finish my final paper today or tomorrow so that I have the weekend to study for my final exams. I’m looking forward to the end of this semester.
Master has been playing a lot of a new game he received, and I am glad that he is enjoying his time, but I still thing that there has to be some time set aside for looking for a job. I may have to start doing it myself if I want him to have a job. I’m so worried, and try not to show it, I don’t want to be a pest, but I just feel helpless. When he works on the websites that he wants to do, I feel that something is getting done that might be money making in the future. I know he is getting annoyed with my constant dwelling on it.
My New Year’s resolution is going to be loosing weight. This will be the first time I have done a resolution, but I feel that with Master here, I can get on the regimin and not get off. He will be watching me, what I eat and my activity level. I am going to work on setting small goals, as well as a punishment / reward system to hopefully motivate me. My ultimate goal is to loose 100 lbs. I’m kinda scared to get started, as I hate feeling hungry and my activity level is pretty low, so it will be a long while before I won’t feel winded going up a flight of stairs. I want this though, I need it for health sake, and I know Master will be proud of me if I can achieve it.
My grades are going to be okay I think. I’m hoping for B’s. If I get better, then that’s great too but I didn’t really try very hard at anything. Hopefully next semester I will work harder. Master is always surprised at my grades, and all I think is, I could have done better.
I need to get working on my flogger making. I have a lot to do to be ready for a bazaar in the Spring. I want to have 10 of each style for the bazaar and the ability to take orders. I hope I’m not stretching myself too thin when I start taking orders. I want to have time for other things too. I think I may limit my orders to 4 a month. We’ll see.
I’m kinda hoping that Master will want to take some sexy pictures of me soon. I feel the need to have some nice pics of me. I know he really doesn’t want to have pics of me around the net, but it’s just something I enjoy. I’ll have to wait to see if he changes his mind.
Well, I walk down a new path with the hopes of staying commited to writing a journal to help myself to understand, express thoughts, and to enhance my relationship. Wish me luck!