Diary 1-19-17

Personal introspection is hard on my mental state and physically I’m exhausted. I’ve spent a lot of time writing in my private journal about my issues and some rough ideas how to work on them.  It’s going to be slow but progress must be made. I’m still really beating myself up for how I’ve treated Master and how bad things have become. I can only hope, that over time, it shows that I’m working hard to get back to the “me” I should be and not the one I’ve become.

And if anyone tells you that you can’t change, don’t believe them.

I’ve decided I’m going to go on a hiatus with Submissive Guide starting in March. My writers will keep going, but I’ll suspend writing all new content until I feel a bit better.

Back to healthy eating and weight loss next week. I’ve not really been on the top of my game this week. I’ve not even been tracking my food in the food log. So, went to the store today and got some things to help get me back to what I need to be going. Exercise might have to wait until the bladder issues are gone.

In the meantime, I have a sore throat and heavy chest as well as a UTI. I can’t get to a Dr right now, so I’m having to treat symptoms and try to fight it myself. UTI’s suck.


Diary 1-14-17

This week has been hard on me emotionally. I’ve cried so much that I can’t shake the tired feeling you get from crying, you know what I’m talking about? Master and I have probably reached rock bottom and when I worked on some mental work I realized that I’m the big problem. I’ve let some old baggage really impact my submission and my just being the best me I can be. I’ve let it eat at me as I write in my private journal about it. I’m hoping I can learn how to repair it and how to correct my behavior.

I’m sorry this is going to be a short one and I’m not going to get into detail about what’s going on. Some things are just best kept between the two of us.

This has questioned my role in writing for Submissive Guide and I am still up in the air if it’s the best for me or if I should stop writing for awhile. I’m not exactly a model submissive right now.

Since my mental state hasn’t been what it needs to be, my diet has been not great. I’ve not gone over my calorie limit at all but I’ve not felt like exercising. Maybe I’ll do better next week.



Here are last week’s bullet journal pages if you’d like to see what I’ve been up to last week.

Click the images to enlarge.

Diary 1-5-17

So you know how I said in the previous post that Master was sick and I didn’t want to get it. Who was I kidding? I spent yesterday early AM over the toilet and that didn’t stop until noon. Had my first piece of dry toast (and GF toast sucks plain, let me tell you) around 3:30pm and successfully kept it down.  Two more pieces of toast around 7pm. The rest of the time I was asleep. That was except for the 10pm-2am this morning stint of fevers. I was so darned cold but couldn’t figure out why as I had 2 blankets and PJs on (that I never wear).

Today, well today I’m recovering. I had real food for lunch and I’m starting to perk back up. I’m still sleeping. A lot. Which I know to be normal. But I have so much to do! Guess it will be baby steps back into being productive.

I’ve not yet stepped into the fitness center. My knee has been out of whack and now with my being sick it just wasn’t happening. But I’ve done well with portion control. I’ve been around 1600 calories every day this week (except for yesterday’s measly 300). I’m hoping to see a shift in the scale when I stand on it Monday morning.

I bought one of those nail files that has all the different textures on it so you can shine your nails without painting them, have you seen those? It has done wonders in strengthening them as usually winter makes my nails really brittle. I do plan on painting them but that won’t happen until this weekend I think.

Submissive Guide work is going well. I’ve started updating and improving the Newsletter email list. It’s needed re-working for years now and finally I have an idea that might make it easier on me to keep it fresh and new without a lot of continued upkeep. I’m also looking forward to the first YT munch for Patreon supporters. I only have 3 in the right support tiers so people might not attend, but once I start posting them to YT things might change. I’m really going to focus a lot of my efforts on Patreon this year, as I’d love to have more income directly from fans and less from advertisers. Ads suck but they are a necessity right now. If I can make enough income directly from my fans and supporters of the site then I can remove ad locations. And I totally want to do that someday. They won’t all go away, but the prevalence is insane atm.

Maximus is doing great on his current insulin levels. He’s more alert and his coat is shiny. He’s also over 8 lbs now from the 6lbs he was at his lowest (almost dead) state in October. Dr would like to see him get over 9 lbs and I think he’s on track to do that.

Oh, I definitely plan to share my bullet journal pages with you. I think I’ll do a week at a time after that week has passed, so you’ll see this week’s pages early next week.

Breakfast today was 2 pieces of toast with a little bit of butter on them.

For lunch I had a taco bowl: white rice, taco meat, cheese and a little sour cream. I skipped the salsa, jalapenos and olives. I didn’t think they’d do well on my tummy yet.

Dinner is more of the same, but if I feel up to it I might add the spice back into it. Salsa at least.


Diary 1-2-17

It’s never a good sign when you set a date for healthier living and your period starts the same day. It’s like Mother Nature calling your bluff. Granted, my cravings are down so that’s something. I am being good overall but my activity level is low. In any case. I’m aiming for increased self care this month and Master wants to see me get to the fitness room 3 times this week. I know I can do that.

As a part of the self care goal I want to get into painting my nails on a regular basis. I’d also like to stop procrastinating and wax my eyebrows too. Makeup needs to become a regular habit also. I guess, essentially, I want to get girlie again. It makes me feel good and I know that goes a long way to achieving a lot when you feel good about yourself.

Master is sick. When Kiva visited a couple days ago she was just getting over the crud and well, he caught it. I’m avoiding him as best as I can to not get it myself but who knows. It would just put another wrench in the plans wouldn’t it. First period, then getting sick? Let’s hope not.

My starting weight is 367.5. I’m ashamed I’ve let myself get so bad. I wear a size 32 pant. Master would like to see me at the weight I was when we met. I wore a size 22 then. That’s 5 sizes. And that’s a lot. But it’s doable. I know I’m saying it now, and I know I’ll have to say it constantly but I must do this. Health is important and my weight is impacting it and our relationship.

You know all the get started exercise programs that are firing up this week? Well, if only there were a before this program, program for me. I’m going from sedentary to some movement and most of these plans assume you’ve got some ability in you before you start. So, my goal is to start with 15 mins on whatever cardio machine is open at the fitness room tomorrow (they aren’t open today). I can use the Elliptical and the Arc at my current weight. I want to get to 30 mins by the end of the month. If I reach it before then I’m going for 45. That’s where I’d like to maintain until I can use the treadmill too. It has a weight limit of 325lbs.

I’m working on a lot of updates and revisions to things on Submissive Guide this week. I’ve been going through old posts and fixing titles that are terribly constructed or don’t tell the reader what the post is really about. Some of it is SEO and some of it is just plain telling what they reader is going to read. Far too many posts are just a topic title like “checklists” or “sub space” without anything else. It worked fine for 1990′s internet and searches, but it needs to be more specific now. I’m also making a long list of posts that will need updates, expansions, and revisions. And there are a lot of them. I suppose this year is more about updating than it is about new content. I’ll be reducing what I write on the site so that I can do that work. I also have a 1st draft of a book to finish and then edit. I’d like to get that done by April.

I’m into my new bullet journal that Master got my for my birthday in October so hopefully, I’ll be able to be as productive as I need to be to get stuff done and still have time for fun.


Breakfast was 3 scrambled eggs in olive oil, 1/2 slice American cheese and 2 pieces of whole grain Gluten Free toast, no butter (I put the eggs on the toast like a sandwich) I also had a cup of coffee with creamer.

Lunch, that I’m eating right now, is a chef salad with hard boiled egg, 2 pieces of bacon and cheddar cheese. Low sugar French dressing on top with some sunflower seeds. Yummy. Water to drink.

Dinner is up in the air, but I think it’s going to be more breakfast foods, maybe an omelet with mushrooms and that other half of American cheese.

Calorie count looks like I’ll be right around 1600 for the day. Note on my foods. I’m not following any sort of diet plan. Just watching my portions, snacking far less and choosing healthier options for older poor choices.

But that’s it for today.


Weight Loss Plan

Starting in the New Year I will be focusing hard on my weight again. Master has laid out rules and restrictions because he’d like to see me succeed also. He doesn’t want me to diet, he wants me to find a way of living that is healthier. I guess I currently don’t see a difference. I have to set up new habits to rewrite the old ones. I’m not going to be drastically changing the food I eat, just aiming for less of it. As for exercise, Master is very adamant about my keeping with a program. He’s restricting my access to my games and TV when I don’t have the exercise quota for the day. Yeah, it’s gonna be hard. But I’ll get it done. I have to.

One of the benefits I’d like to see is my need for an afternoon nap to go away. Right now I just can’t function without a nap about 2pm. More energy in general would be nice.

Master wants to see me get to the weight I was when we met. Which is about 5 dress sizes smaller. It’s a long way to go, but if the fates are willing I’ll be able to achieve something this year.


Goodbye 2016

I’ll be glad when this year is over. It’s not going to be one I look back fondly that’s for sure. We’ve made 1/3 of the amount of income we’ve made in previous years. We were forced to move to a hell hole of a place since our income dropped so badly. We’re in debt up to our eyeballs. Master’s poly relationships have been on the rocks or ended. I’ve been very stubborn and not a very good submissive, let alone his slave. My eldest cat was diagnosed with diabetes and he’s now on insulin daily (something we have struggled to afford). Things have just been so hard I can’t wait for the year to roll over and hopefully, it will mean a turn for the better.

Who knows.

The only thing I’m going to be able to do is to change how I react and respond to everything, good or bad. I will be using this blog to work through my personal struggles and grow. I will do whatever I can to not have another year like 2016.


The Plan

After the first of the year, I’ll be back to writing here again. I am considering reopening comments. I’m sure I’ll surprise Master since it’s not a requirement to write here anymore. But for about a year now I’ve felt that I need to change my blog. So, here’s what I plan on doing.

1. Removing all current categories and tags. My archives will remain, but only by date. New categories will be created for my blog posts from the New Year going forward.

2. I’m going to use my blog as a place for personal growth and enhancement. That means so many of my posts might not make sense to you, they are meant to help me and me alone.

3. I’m going to be setting up a schedule and writing even if I don’t have anything to say. This could lead to gibberish style posts but the purpose is to simply write, not always make sense.

4. I want to share my bullet journal with you and what I do with my days every day.

5. I’m going to be obsessing over my health and weight loss efforts. I will not tolerate negative comments related to my weight and efforts, nor will I accept unsolicited advice. These comments will be promptly deleted.

So that’s what I have in store for now. Things are subject to change but right now, I feel this is the right course.


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