Just a short update: we are both sick. Bronchitis or colds, or flu or anything else congestion related. We are miserable. Master has been sick since just after Christmas and I’ve finally caught up in the last week. No sex, no play, not much interaction. Just taking care of each other.
I always make resolutions, but then I never stick to them. So this year I didn’t do that. But, as I was surfing Youtube the other day I encountered something that I think might help me in my one huge struggle, organization and memory. OK, so that’s two but seriously, it’s a mess! I am a to-do list maker. But my to-do list can be an old envelope, a scrap of paper, post it note or a blank sheet in a notebook. It’s not organized, I don’t always get it all done and then lose the list, without remembering what was on the list to be done still.
I found BulletJournaling. It’s a method of rapidlogging and list making, planning and collection creation that looks right up my alley. And the fun part is that one of my weaknesses in a book store, the blank journals, will now have a purpose! I can get the pretty journals and actually know what to put in them. I’m starting this new planning and organization method in a notebook I already had to see how well I keep it up and how useful it is for me, and if I pick it up as a habit and enjoy it, Master said I can get a new pretty notebook!
Right now I don’t use it for my work to-do list unless it is important for that very day because a lot of my editorial tasks repeat on a regular basis and I use Remember the Milk (RTM) for those. But I can use it for idea brainstorming, drafts, notes, outlines and more. I’m also using it to remember what books I want to read, what movies I’d like to watch and so forth. I really see no end to the usefulness of this one book.
Of course I’m only 3 days into it so we’ll see after, say, a month.
Master has a nasty cough for a week now. He says he isn’t sick, but I don’t believe him. “It’s just a cough” doesn’t happen out of nowhere. He’s taking medicine and cough drops. I got him orange juice all to help him get better from not being sick. He’s about around people recently who were sick or are getting sick. But yeah, he just has a cough.
I asked Master if I could buy a Powerball ticket. He said I had no chance of winning. I replied that yeah I definitely have no chance if I don’t have a ticket, I’d have a minuscule slight chance if I did. First he said no, and then he changed his mind and said that since it was cheap and would make me happy I could get one. Yay! One in 292 million chance tonight. But it’s a chance.
When Master came home on Monday he made a declaration that I’d not have any orgasms until he fucked my ass. I’d be edging, but no orgasms until then. Somehow, that immediately triggered diarrhea (no it didn’t, but the coincidence was aggravating). I had some pretty severe stomach cramps along with it. For 2 days. Last night, Master said he was lifting the orgasm ban because it wasn’t his intention to make me wait that long and that health issues interfered. Yet, as of this post I’ve still not had an orgasm. It matters not to me if he wants to wait until my stomach is better and we can go at it through the back door or not. I’ll either suffer in frustration for him, or I’ll come for him. It’s all on his plate to decide. Thankfully my stomach is healing and I should be all sorted out tomorrow (touch wood).
I’ve been going through a very dark period in my mind lately. Mid-December, just after I set the blog to private I spent an entire day in bed, not getting up and not caring. I cried almost constantly for 3 days. It bothered Master immensely but he knew that I needed to process a lot and checked in with me regularly but let me process. At some point in that hell I considered death. I really did. I knew how I wanted to do it and how finally free I’d feel when it was over. I desperately wanted to escape.
Please don’t worry about me now. I’ve had some serious talks with Master and some mental work to not want to do that now. I’m fine and will be better as time goes on.
So what caused this? It started with the comments on the blog that were very unkind, one-sided and rude. They had me thinking things that weren’t true about our relationship and it totally messed with my head. Then Master and I had a talk and instead of hearing I finally listened. One of the things he was saying was that I’m a very passive aggressive person. I never realized. But after he gave some examples a shock hit me. My childhood is the reason. I thought I had moved on from that and my childhood, which was horrible, wasn’t impacting my life anymore. I was so wrong. I have been attacking Master with my passive aggressive behavior and didn’t even realize it. He actually had to give me examples of my behavior because I just didn’t know it was happening.
Now I have him tell me when I’m being passive aggressive so that I can start noticing it in myself and hopefully making changes. It’s hard because I feel so horrible when he reminds me of my behavior.
We’ve also had a lot of financial stress that isn’t over yet but the end is coming so it feels a bit better now. I think my mind just imploded in December with everything and I shut down.
I tried to talk to a friend, but instead of being reassuring, they freaked the heck out. There are certainly things you say and don’t say to someone who is severely depressed and she just wasn’t the right person for the sort of conversation I needed. She essentially made it worse for a day or two before I moved on mentally.
I’m getting better and maybe I’ll be back to writing here more frequently soon enough.
There’s a blog here and at some point I will come back and talk to you all again. But until then, please know that if and when I do come back I will likely be changing the way things are shared around here. Far too many falsehoods are developing because of the way I have been writing here and are causing a lot of stress on me. Things will be corrected.
Oh and Happy New Year.
testing to make sure my feed doesn’t update.
Well, so here it is folks. I’ve been away for a week and had time to rest my thoughts and reconcile my feelings to the change.
What change is that? Master says I’m not cut out for TPE. The complete authority required just didn’t work. I’ll tell you more about that in a bit. But when we agreed to try TPE he added more tasks, more rules and more structure. He isn’t going to continue that now that he’s removed the TPE. I’m sad about that in particular. Having to ask to wear clothing – gone. Direct commands instead of polite requests – no more. A sense of immediate chastising – nope. We discuss things now and maybe I get in trouble. I can hope to have things like that re-added in the future but for now he’s just defaulted back to pre-TPE test.
What made this change so abrupt is something sex related. I won’t do analingus. To me, it’s a limit. But when we agreed to test TPE he said that would be tested and I would be expected to do it since the “no ass licking limit” doesn’t have any trauma or real reason to it. At least that’s his thought on it. So, early on in our test he pushed me to do it and I did but cried the whole time (which he liked the whole forcing suffering of it) but what I didn’t tell him then was that when he left for kiva’s later that night I cried for hours. Full on weeping that I felt so horrible and icky and traumatized by it. When I told him that I was traumatized by it he was furious that this was the first time he was hearing of it.
I honestly thought my feelings of stress and fear and angst and the suffering long after was part of his pushing me to do something I didn’t want to do. Of course, he disagreed. He was mad that I would even think he was the kind of guy to cause me trauma and be okay with it. He’s right to be mad of course. I really did expect to be fully humiliated and degraded and beaten down with this analingus issue. After all, how else was I going to get through it since this was a hell no limit for me. Sure I don’t have any reason to say no other than it repels me; I find it horribly disgusting. He emphasized that everything we do has risks and that my concerns of getting sick, ingesting small amounts of fecal matter and what not was just as much of a risk as beating me with floggers, or kicking me in the cunt. But I’m not afraid of broken bones, bruises and nerve damage as a I am consuming shit. It’s just a whole lot of dry heaving for me.
But TPE means he makes the decisions on what’s safe and what risks I take. So when I told him no the last week when he told me to lick his ass for him. That was it. Huge fight, with the decision that if I can’t surrender to that then I’m not capable of giving him total authority. As soon as I set limits that don’t have a “real reason” for them existing that gives me the power and he won’t do that. It’s all or nothing.
So that puts us back to where we were before this test. And I miss some of it, but the fact that he’ll never force me to lick his ass again is a relief. That limit is still a limit now that he has to respect them on matter how silly he thinks they are. Maybe he’ll consider re-adding some of the more strict structure in the future and not consider it part of the TPE idea he had.
There’s been some changes in our relationship structure in the past few days. I’m not ready to put it together, but I’m sad about it. I’m sure I’ll be talking about it when I’m ready.
Until then, there might not be a whole lot going on in this space. But I’ll be back.
I’m doing pretty darned good with Nanowrimo. This last week I did 10K words! My wrists hurt like hell, but after medicating I was able to get so much accomplished. Now I have one week left and I want to get another 10K done. That would put me at 35K which is about average for what I’ve been able to accomplish in previous years. Even with the holiday the only day that I’ll be out of town is Saturday so I’ve got all this week to plow through writing. I can do this!
Master is so sweet and wonderful. My period is coming and I crave chocolate and coca-cola every month. He went out to the store for me! What a sweet man.
And the person that keeps posting that Master can’t keep a job? You are wrong. He’s had the same job for 10 years. He’s self employed and constantly has coding work. The current problem is that the clients he’s working for are really slow in paying him for services rendered. Like it’s been 2 months since he completed the work and they are just now getting payment sent. So get your head on straight missy and don’t go judging things before you know the facts.
AND miss pissy britches, the issues I have with froggy and the whole poly thing are because I realized after we opened the relationship that I am not poly. That doesn’t mean Master can’t be poly. That’s how he is. So, I have jealousy issues and I don’t feel compersion. So of course I’m going to express my stress and anxiety over this. There’s nothing wrong with my relationship with Master just because he has other relationships in his life. So just drop it.
That’s the last attention you are going to get, so you might as well stop reading my blog. It’s obviously not for you.
Now, we are going to have Thanksgiving dinner with Kiva and her poly family. We have the big dinner and are planning to play some Cards Against Humanity. I’m bringing GF boxed stuffing (because I’m going through all that work to make bread and then the stuffing), a GF dessert that doesn’t have pumpkin and a veggie of some sort. I’m not sure on that one yet. I’m considering making deviled eggs too. Of course this will all depend on if I can figure out how to transport it all 2 hours and have it look okay on the table. I don’t want to have to do any cooking while there. Just warm up the stuffing and the veggie.
I’m stopping by Mom’s house in the morning and will be doing the cooking there, cause she don’t mind and we can chat too. Mom isn’t into Thanksgiving. She does Christmas like nobody’s business though. So cooking for that will happen next month.
What are you fixing for Turkey Day?