Not Eating

I spent a lot of today fighting the urge to eat because I was bored. So, while I didn’t have anything really productive to do, I found myself staying busy just to stay out of the kitchen.  I’ve done a couple more exercises in my compulsive eating workbook and it’s helping me see things in a different perspective. Of course it’s having me watch what I eat and that’s probably why I was so aware of my urges this weekend.

I’m recording what I eat. I’m measuring out servings before I eat it. And Master is keeping me accountable without being overbearing. I think it helps. I hurt my ankle on Thursday so I’ve not exercised but I am going to try my first bit of Yoga tomorrow. I found a simplified Sun Salutation that looks like something I can do with just a few modifications. And eventually I know it will help with my flexibility.

I weigh in tomorrow to see what my starting weight will be for this month. I’m hoping for 10 lbs lost by the end of it.

–lunaKM

Alright so I need to just jot down all the things currently going on. This is a brain dump, essentially.

I’ve come clean yet again about my compulsive binge eating. Master caught me in February buying pizza on a weekend he was at Kiva’s and I just broke down and confessed to bingeing when he wasn’t here. Bingeing has been a problem for me since high school and my first job. It’s going to take a long time to recover and earn Master’s trust yet again. At least I think he realizes that I didn’t lie intentionally, that it’s part of the sickness. Even I don’t realize all the food I eat when I’m bingeing. I’m working with therapy online and in a workbook until we can afford a therapist. This is going to be a hard hard path.

Due to my secret eating I gained 15 lbs which put me at a new highest high for weight. Along with that came great shame, frustration and depression. I’m slowly losing and I know I have to continue not only for me, but for Master. I promised I’d stick around for him for a long time.

My mother is still not talking to me. So I’ve cut her out. She’s done this sort of childish thing before several times and I keep forgiving her. I can’t go through the stress again. Especially over something so childish. It pains me but knowing she’s intentionally avoiding me and not talking to me hurts more.

Master and I are broke. Beyond broke. Money hasn’t come in for over 2 months. His next big project has been just over the horizon for so long now. It’s there, and it promises to be a great thing, but until it gets here we’re…. stuck. We are just barely able to hang on to the apartment right now. He feels like a failure and the depression we both feel is having a huge impact on our interactions, our sex lives and our health. Neither of us are sleeping well. I wish I could help reassure him that he’s not a failure and that this is just a difficult point that we’ll overcome and come out the other end still together and still strong.

Our lease is up in 3 months. We can’t afford to look for someplace yet.  Or the moving van. Or the hired help. The stress of this is really bad. I’m decluttering and minimizing material items like crazy because the less we have to move the better.

Maximus, my eldest cat, is starting to have more bad days than good lately. I can’t afford to take him in for further tests on the progression of his Kidney Disease. He’s 14 so I know he’s reaching the end anyway, but watching him slowly decline just tears my heart out. I don’t want him to die, of course, but I don’t want him to suffer even less. I’m watching for signs that he’s ready. It could come tomorrow it could come next year.  I just don’t know.

I don’t think I’ll ever be as accepting of poly as I’d like to be, so I have to learn ways to cope and manage my emotions. I’m not leaving Master over this. As long as he continues to provide for me what I need there’s no reason. I feel loved and adored and I am so lost in his love that I’m not tearing myself away from him over this. I just have to learn a bit of coping that will take care of my feelings of loneliness when he’s not here.

And that’s about it for now. It helps to get this off my chest, but of course I also need to work through much of this and the only way to do that is what I call mental work. And writing. I’ve written in my physical journal a lot, but I guess I felt a need to write here too so that Master can see some of my thought process.

–lunaKM

Entre Acte

Things are changing around this place. After I realized in March that I didn’t feel comfortable writing here anymore I did some serious thinking as to why. First, it’s you. While I do get positive comments, it’s the negative ones that are inflicting more pain and actually hurting my relationship with Master more than I should allow them to. So, from now until I decide I can live with them again, there will be no more comments allowed on this blog.

This is my private place, my safe space and it’s also a conduit to my mind. It’s for Master and me. It’s not for your entertainment. If you don’t like what I write here, you don’t have to read it. I have a hell of a lot of things going on right now that I need to work through and you are either along as a silent bystander or you can go elsewhere.

I don’t want your pity, your sympathy or your understanding. I don’t write here to entertain you. It just happens to be public so others can read about my real life if they wish to.

To that end, there is no more contact page. You can not find my email on this site and I will not respond to personal emails from people I do not already have an email exchange with. This means, if I have not emailed with you before, I do not wish to get emails from you now.

This place is supposed to be therapy. It’s a brain dump, a shoulder to cry on and a place to vent. Master often comes off as a bad person when I do this because of my negative emotions. He is not a bad person at all. He’s the most patient, compassionate, caring and responsible person I’ve ever known and I am proud for everyday he embraces me as his slut wife.

That means, there may be posts that are closed to the public. Don’t ask for me for a password, you won’t get one. This is my place and I’m taking it back.

–lunaKM

What are you favourite parts to your dynamic?

I have a lot of favorites. I love that I take care of Master so that he doesn’t have to worry about things. I love that I feel so taken care of and secure in his love. I enjoy submitting, very much.

I love the rules I have and the structure it affords me.

I enjoy the protocol and ritual we have established.

I love the kinky fuckery.

There isn’t a whole lot I can think of that I don’t like, honestly. If I did then I’d have to say maybe this life isn’t for me. So, yeah. I feel pretty darned lucky.

–lunaKM

Hi Luna! Thanks for answering questions this month! I’ve followed you a long time, and I really enjoy reading about your journey. Here are my questions:

How does it feel to be known as a guru in the community? Do you feel happy and proud that you have put together a format that allows you to educate the masses, and do you ever feel stressed about your Submissive Guide work?

It can go to my head, that’s for sure. I’ve been known to be humble but also very obviously proud of my work. It was never always going to be that way. Submissive
Guide started as just a site where I could write my opinions down about BDSM and D/s. But when I realized how in love I was with writing and the response I was getting I found my new passion in life.

And since it is now my part time job it definitely gives me stress. But I’d rather have this stress than working away from home doing something I’m not really interested in.

Do you find that when you look good, you feel good, and vice versa? From a personal standpoint I know that when I am dressed up and made up I feel like I can take on the world, and when I’m feeling low the make up and pretty clothes are the first thing to go. Have you ever gotten through a funk by taking extra care with your personal appearance, and did it work for you?

Yup and it’s something I’ve known since high school. I always dressed up for exams and feel good when I’m dressing nicely. Getting though a funk this way? Nope, not yet. But maybe it will help with my current one.

Finally, do you feel that your blog brings more positivity to your life, or do you feel that it’s a source of negativity? I know you were having a rough time with bullies and trolls a while back, and I hated to see nasty people infringing on an area that should be a source of centering and solace.

This blog no longer brings me the joy and security it once did. I keep it open and write in it occasionally. But I won’t use it the way I used to. I have a physical journal for that, that even Master doesn’t read.  So unfortunately for those that follow to learn my inner thoughts, they will be sorely lacking here.

–lunaKM

You’ve posted before that the TPE part of your relationship has ended, however, you still identify as slave. What are the changes/differences that exist between the TPE dynamic and the Master/slave dynamic?

I was a slave before KnyghtMare and I discussed trying TPE and I’ll continue to identify as a slave. I feel that an M/s relationship is about authority exchange not just power like D/s relationships. KnyghtMare is the authority in the relationship and my duty is to obey. I’m far from perfect so this is always the goal. The key difference that I see with M/s and a TPE sort of relationship is that as a slave in an M/s relationship I still have a bit of wiggle room and an ability to express concern, question and even ask for a reason before I obey. In a TPE arrangement, such as the one we tried and discarded, was complete authority. What KnyghtMare said was law. I could not question or hesitate. It was obey or be punished. I had no limits, other than his and my safeword was for physical issues only. I pretty much had a much more rigid structure to my day, the expectations he had for me were higher and he was far less gentle in his orders.

I had another question! I saw when you answered Alexis’ question about moving that you are moving in July. How does it make you feel that the poly relationships (or was it just the one relationship?) is causing you to move to new cities? How do you feel about the whole notion of moving?

Well, when it comes to picking up my life and home to cater to KnyghtMare’s other relationships I do get a bit bent out of shape. Especially when I bring up my preferences for where we live and he emphasizes that it might be too far away from his other girl. I feel like my preferences get lost, but he’s listened to them anyway and says he’ll take them into account when we begin looking at places in the area.  When we moved here to be closer to froggy I wasn’t thrilled. I never liked this area of the state and I’ve continued my dislike of the area the whole time we’ve been here (almost 2 years now). The apartment is lovely, but too expensive for our budget and it’s starting to show. Food and other expenses here are also more expensive than where we once lived so I’ll actually be relieved to move from this place if we can find somewhere more in our budget.

So, unlike moving here, I’m looking forward to moving. Not the actual moving process, no one likes that, but to get out of this place that I’ve never made my home and try my hopes elsewhere. I’m worried that since our budget is so tight that the moving will be harder this time around. And we have 3 cats now. It’s hard enough to find places to take 1 cat, but 3? I don’t know how we’ll manage it but we have to. To help us with the moving process I’m being far more strict with trimming down and removing things from the house that we don’t need. Anything that never got unpacked may not make the trip to the next place and other things I know we’ve not used will go to thrift as well.

One thing I hate about preparing to move is looking for boxes. Last time we moved we were fortunate enough that I purchased boxes from UHaul. I know it’s extravagant but we won’t be doing that this time and I’ll have to go begging for boxes from where-ever I can get them. I’ve started searching Craigslist for people trying to unload boxes near here that I could go get. I really do hate looking for boxes.

–lunaKM

I’m continuing March question month!

 

Have you found it any easier to process being in a mono-poly relationship?

Not really. The most stress and depression I go through now has to do with my inability to understand things from a poly perspective. Master is an extremely patient person and he’s so very helpful sharing his thought process and how things work in his head. But so many times I’m dealing with jealousy and selfishness and possessive behaviors.  The more time that passes it does bother me less, but the times that it does bother me are just as terrible as in the beginning. Now, I’m sticking with Master. Most people would say that I’m no longer compatible with him and that I should find someone else, but I don’t see it that way. I’ve fully consented to his being poly and it doesn’t make OUR relationship any less powerful because he has other relationships. The issues are completely mine to work through with his help.

Will KM still see Froggy when you move?

He says he will, but not nearly as often as he does now. He has said that it might be monthly or so, depending on his need. She’s a play partner only that takes care of his more extreme, edgy things that I can’t handle so when he needs it, he’ll likely set up a play date.

Do you have days where your rules are not enforced?

Nope, I’m his slave all the time. There are times, like when I’m sick, that my rules are more lax but he still expects me to obey him. Most of my rules are habit by now.

I also would like to tell you how much your blog and subguide have helped me with my own journey. I have found your advice and insights to be extremely helpful and I wish you all the best. I am sorry some mean, narrow minded people made you so upset a few months ago.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

–lunaKM

Here are more questions for March Question month:

So how is it going with controlling the passive aggressive tendencies? Change is hard particularly when it is learned in childhood.

It goes. Master still has to tell me when I’m saying something that is pointy and needley and hurtful. Each time he has to direct me to my behavior helps me learn and hopefully be more cautious. Only he can really say for sure if I’m less of an asshole than when this all started. I’ll have to ask him!

Have you added any of the TPE items back into your relationship?

None of the rules and guidelines that were added when we tried TPE have been readded, no. :( I don’t think they are permanently off the table, but it will be a long while before I ask him for any new behavior rules.

Are you still considering moving?

More than considering, we ARE moving at the end of July. The cost of living here and the rent on this apartment are more than our current budget can afford. And the reason we moved is non-existent now too.

What’s up with Froggy these days?

No clue really other than what Master shares with me. I know her daughter has a birthday this week and Master is going to the dinner out with family. She got a raise at work recently too.

 

Thanks for the questions!

–lunaKM

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