T Minus 3

Wednesday the movers come to pack up our things into the U-Haul. froggy helped with all the cleaning yesterday and I will finish up the kitchen by Tuesday. I think I have about 5 boxes left to pack, so that means what… 10… maybe? Hah!

Today isn’t about moving though. A friend of ours is coming over to watch a classic at the theater. They are playing Monty Python and the Holy Grail on the big screen. It should be a great time. Then we’ll relax, have dinner and prepare for the busy days ahead.

I’ve had headaches almost constantly for a week. It started with a two count of migraines on Tuesday/Wednesday and since then I just can’t shake the moderate pain. I am assuming it’s stress, but Master thinks it might be sinus or allergy related. Either way I’m feeling the effects.

I’m short, snappy and ill tempered. Not a good combination for Master and certainly doesn’t bode well for me. He’s been at the end of his rope more than once in recent days and I hate that I can’t seem to control my responses and behavior when I’m hurting.

In recent developments I’ve come to realize that I’m not polyamorous at all. I’m monogamous. The experiment failed for me, but I think I can adapt to an open relationship as long as things aren’t in my face.  Too much of the overt sexual attention and behavior got to me and got me in a bad way. I admit there were moments I wanted Master to break things off with froggy because it was very painful.

I’m still afraid of the new move and how things will have to adjust to work with the new way I need things to work so that I can continue to be a happy wife and slave and he can still have froggy. Master knows I’m afraid and he can do nothing but keep reassuring me that he loves me and that I’m his world and he’s not going anywhere. Things I know, but just don’t quiet the fears in my head.

Fears that I’ll be lonely, feeling of abandonment or that I’m unimportant. Afraid I don’t please him enough and that he can just walk across the street to get his needs met instead of talking to me about it. Loss of intimate me and him times. Because in my head she’ll always be there.

I realize a lot of this is insecurity and very irrational thoughts, but I’ve never been told that how I feel is wrong. Because it isn’t. At least I feel. And can talk about it. Usually.

So, I’m going to explore this new adventure carefully. Tip-toe if you like. I’ve got a lot of self-work to do also once we move and I know the rules will be strictly enforced to help get my head on where it should be. He’s let is slide too far, he says. I’ve abused the freedoms.

And I know, that after a bit of fighting, I’ll feel secure in my place because he’s watching out for me, caring for me and making sure my dreams are fulfilled. Because that is who he is. A loving caring provider. My world. My forever love. Master.


In Just 20 Days

Ask me, do I have the apartment packed up yet?

Have I notified everyone of the move that needs to be told yet? Have I followed up on the movers and the new apartment manager, who I haven’t heard anything of since they took our signed lease and deposit in May?

Do I feel ready for the move yet?

And my answer would be no, no and no.

In just 20 days I’ll be moving from a town that I really enjoy, to a town I don’t know. Of course that’s how a move like this usually works and I realize that I’ll find things to do and people to see in the new town also. But that nagging though in the back of my mind is that we are only moving for one thing. Or rather, one person. Froggy.

So what happens if things go south for her and Master? I’m not saying it will, but there are always possibilities. Then there will be no reason to have moved at all. I can only hope we have some of our debt paid off that we want to accomplish so that our next move will be into a house.

I’m trying to be optimistic here. There is a BDSM community that I used to be a part of and will rejoin to see how it is now. I’m going to be bringing my Sub Forum to the area so I know I’ll be meeting people and helping submissives just as I currently do. I will likely enjoy our new apartment once I’ve moved things into it and claimed it as mine. I’m sure I’ll find things to enjoy about the new place – I just haven’t looked into it.

Really I’m living with ghosts, to be honest. This town has a lot of really happy memories for me. It was the town I had my first apartment in, when I was on my own, after flunking out of college, and doing well for myself.

This apartment is the last place I held Zeus and I can still see him running down the hall and looking out the balcony window. I won’t have those places to look when we move to imagine him. It’s been a year and I still cry over him. We leave and I feel like I’m leaving him behind. And maybe it’s time….

I’ve made a lot of friends here that I won’t be able to see as frequently, if at all. The distance isn’t really something that makes visits easy.

My mother will now be 2 hours away instead of 30 mins. She doesn’t have the best health and she’s naive in a lot of things. I feel like I have to watch out for her as best I can. Her other children don’t visit her or appear to care as much, which is sad.

It’s so stupid but these thoughts keep running around causing stress and doubt. I have to get them off my chest. This is my place to do it so you get to run around in my weird thoughts too.



Feeling Alien

How do you get excited to move to a place you aren’t interested in? I’m really having a hard time getting hyped up for a new place and a new town when I really didn’t want to move that far away from my mom and the people I know in Des Moines.

It’s with resignation that I pack our belongings and prepare for the massive cleaning I’ll have to do. Sometimes you just have to suck it up right?

I really hope I find something in Iowa City to make the move worth it for me. Just 35 days to go.


Getting Things Together

Wednesday KnyghtMare and I celebrated 3 years married. Well, celebrated in that we bought alcohol and wished each other happy anniversary. There were plans, but they got pushed aside for the priority of moving in 2 months. So, the trip I wanted, the stay in a suite with giant tub so that I can bathe Master, all on hold for whenever.

Celebrating a milestone like this is something Master doesn’t really do. I think he knows it’s important to me, but he reminded me that we have been together almost 10 years, so 3 of them married isn’t a shift for him. Marriage was just the next logical step in his plan to claim me. Hot, right?

The packing is going ever so slowly. I just don’t want to live out of boxes for months before we move like we did last time. It’s going to be inevitable sooner or later, I’m just postponing it as long as possible. I do need to kick it in gear though or I’ll be rushing around packing and cleaning that last 3 weeks and exhaust myself.

It probably doesn’t help that I don’t find the city we are moving too very appealing. I hope to learn to love it. It’s a large college town, twice as large as the one we are in now. It’s more metro and busy and stuff which probably doesn’t help me learn to like it.

Another thing about it is that I don’t know where I’ll be able to go out to eat. At least here I’m confident in 2 places that can feed me relatively safely. Since going gluten free, eating has been more anxiety-inducing than relaxing. I used to consider eating a comfort thing – I just can’t anymore.

I do look forward to getting to know the local BDSM community better. There is hope for social interaction again!

On the BDSM front, Master and I played! While I have yet to experience the new hemp rope we got last month, we got the floggers out and had a lovely time pushing my pain buttons and getting me all hot and bothered. I told him I wanted to be hit hard, but we learned that I just can’t handle that. It’s been a long time since pain play was had that I’m rusty. I think we still had a fantastic time. Sex is so much better when I’m hurting!

The past two weeks I’ve been dealing with fatigue again. The kind that requires that I take naps or chug lots of caffeine. I don’t drink a lot of coffee and pop is a special treat, so napping it has been. Master is concerned that the anti-depressant I’m no longer taking was abating my fatigue. I think it’s my thyroid acting silly again but I don’t want to go to this doctor again – he’s not listening to me. And with moving in 2 months I think I might as well tough it out until I can find a Doctor in our new city that will listen to me.

I’m exercising everyday still – kinda have to since it’s a rule. But I have changed to when I exercise. I had to admit to myself and Master that doing the 20-30 mins before he got up in the morning meant I was lazy and didn’t push myself as hard. So now I have to do it when he’s up. Just knowing he’s in the other room has helped push me to do more and work harder. I’m hoping that I’ll notice an improvement on my waistline soon. Or my fatigue, that would be nice.

I’ve got so many things going on with Submissive Guide recently that I’m always in front of the computer working and when I’m not I have my notebook out or my thoughts racing. I’d really like to be able to make a part time wage from the site as soon as possible, but that means more than doubling what it currently brings in. I’m not sure how to do that… yet.



I want to make this clear, learning a poly relationship style is not easy. It’s not always going to work the way you want it too and there will be challenges, from small to insurmountable.

At the beginning of this year I began to have some serious issues with the relationship exposure I had when froggyKM was around. I got this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see them intimate with each other. I got uncomfortable sitting around naked with her here and sleeping in the same bed was difficult too.

We’d been trying for a year to make a family triad, one big happy poly family but now I know that is not the style I can comfortably participate in. The past few months have been difficult for me to say the least. Master and froggyKM are trying to make me feel comfortable but it’s like trying to walk on sandpaper uphill. It hurts.

Changes started piling up. I wear clothing when she’s here. We don’t sleep in the same bed (and the sleeping arrangements are atrocious since froggyKM and I both snore and Master can’t stand that). I leave the room or house when/if they want to be intimate with each other on any level other than hand holding, kissing and other acceptable PDA.

Master and I went to a poly forum last month and I was finally able to place an identity on the type of poly person I am. Since then it has helped me find strength in settling into something that might work for us. I am Monogamous. Master is Poly. The best relationship style for this is the “V” style relationship and for me, his relationship needs to happen as much as possible outside my presence. Until we move that’s not really possible but once we move, he can be at her place doing whatever and I don’t have to be in the middle of it all. Just because he’s poly doesn’t mean I have to be a part of his relationship with froggyKM.

From the last post, you know we had what I consider a pretty horrible situation flare up. I treated it like I wanted to treat it on my blog because this is supposed to be my safe haven to express myself. If I want to rant I will rant. I was upset and angry with froggyKM and knew that I couldn’t say this stuff to her face. So my blog is my sounding board. Master supports this. froggyKM reads my blog still, although after the last post, where she accused me of public humiliation, and showing her in a negative light she may choose to not come here anymore. She’s more than welcome to write a blog about her side of any situation. I will not retract how I felt at the moment I wrote the blog. I’m done censoring myself here.

Now, froggyKM wants to be friends with me. I’m terrible at making friends, I’ve been hurt by friends in the past and I just don’t nurture friendships well. It’s a part of who I have always been. I have hundreds of acquaintances but only a few solid friends. I’m pretty okay with that. Seeing as I have been privy to froggyKM and Master in some rather personal situations I feel like I need to step back from the friend-making process for a bit. I can’t say I won’t be froggyKM’s friend, but right now I’m not ready. I need to settle into a routine once we move before that can happen.

Going forward I hope that we can make the relationship style work that will be best for me. It won’t impact their relationship at all. There are plenty of other poly relationships that function like this so I know I’m not an oddball out.


She’s a Brat

Just a quick update so that I can vent and then I’ll give you guys a full update when I have more time.

Master, froggy and I went to a BDSM con this weekend. Master bought some hemp rope, which he has wanted for years. He decided he wanted to do some rope practice to test it out, not a scene, just trying the rope.

I said he could do froggy first and so he tied her in a simple chest harness.  He sat her down in his lap so she could enjoy the rope and turned his head to me and asked if I wanted some rope.

“I’d love some rope Master.”

Then froggy flips! She snaps around all crying and says something like how dare he talk to me when she’s tied up or something. OMG. It was quite clear all day that Master wasn’t doing any serious scene, just testing the rope out so that we can feel it and he can try it out. Second, she was sitting, all done with her rope.

So she cries and fusses and gets all wigged out because apparently he’s not allowed to talk to me when she’s tied up. Uh-huh.

So, he dealt with her, and I told him that as long as she’s acting this way I don’t want to try the rope, that it has been ruined by her outburst.

We packed up shortly after because she choose to distance herself and shut down.

I’m mad at her. I want to call her childish and selfish and stupid. I want to tell her that she’s here in the relationship in part because I allow it, and how dare she act that way and cheat me from enjoying what she just got. Bitch.

I can’t talk to her today. I’m doing my best not to say these things to her face because I can’t stand her crying at everything that challenges her perfect little world in her head. I’m looking forward to her going home…. soon.

I’m pissed, dammit. I wanted to experience the rope at the dungeon party too. What a brat.


A Lot of Chatter

The UHaul and moving helpers have been reserved. One of the movers already called to confirm and told me I’m their first reservation for that day (which will be a very busy day for any movers in a college town) so I had my pick of times. I’ve started collecting more boxes and this week I will begin the long process of packing, by starting in the closets. There’s one box of stuff that needs to go to GoodWill so far but I feel that I’ll have a lot more before I’m done trimming down our material possessions for the sake of not needing it or wanting it.

Cutting down the food stockpile is going to be hard. There is a level of food in the pantry that makes me feel comfortable, anything less than that and I begin to feel panicky about food. I’ll have to make do I think. There’s a 2 day gap between move out and move in so anything cold has to be used up or donated or squeezed into froggyKM’s fridge.

I’m starting to look at washer/dryers. The new apt has hookups and I’d love to not have to scale 3 floors to do laundry. I think it might actually mean we’d have more laundry done if it was so convenient. From the measurements froggyKM provided me I think I can get a stacked laundry center; the ones that are build together, not the ones that are optional stackable. They run about $1400. Otherwise, full size washer and dryer combos look to be about $2500. Master said we could start saving for the laundry center once we move.

The car needs a tune up. Along with that, this week my trunk decided it wasn’t going to open anymore. Not with a key, nor with the trunk latch inside the car. So, I have to get that looked at too. Hopefully the place I go for my other repair work can do that too. The car is getting old and I hope we can make it last at least another 5 years. By then we hope to afford a car payment.

I’m getting another Thyroid Sensitive Hormone (TSH) test done this week since my Dr changed my meds. It’s stressful to have to constantly monitor how you feel and base that with the number they give you from the blood test results to figure out if that number is your magic number. As of now, I’m not napping everyday so that’s a good sign. However, I am very close to needing that nap so I don’t think the number is magical yet.

Maximus my 12 year old kitty has to have a wellness exam and his immunizations this month. He’s noticeably lost weight since Zeus died last year. Max used to be the fat kitty, and now he’s skinny and getting skinnier. I’m going to ask for a blood test for fatty liver and they might want to see him again shortly to check his weight. Of course I have to realize that it could just be old age that has him getting skinnier. He’s eating the same, I’ve not noticed anything different with that. He’s a lot more energetic with Loki and they play a lot more than he did with Zeus so that could be contributing, but I want to make sure that it’s healthy weight loss and not a sign of something, ya know?

Master has really picked up on exercise and weight training. It’s starting to show. He’s got lovely arm muscles and his stomach is trimming down. If he couldn’t get any handsomer! I’m hoping that I can get healthier along with him, this exercise crap is harder on me and I’ve had a week off now so getting back into it will be the pits.

I had a wonderful time with my mother last weekend. We went to a Civil War Reenactment. I’ve never been to one, and this was so interesting. I got a pretty bad sunburn on my face and chest that is still healing. I don’t tan, I burn and I guess even though I used sunscreen like every 30 mins, it wasn’t enough. I think I had blisters on top of blisters in one area on my chest. It’s still red and tender a week later. The rest has faded, peeled and turned a light brown (which will last about 3 weeks then pale again).

In 2 weeks we’ll be going to Mischief in May, the local kink convention. I’m looking forward to a few of the classes and a couple of the presenters I’ve only talked with via email so it will be great to meet them finally. Dan and dawn Williams of Erotic Awakening Podcast and the book “Living M/s” as well as GrayDancer of the Ropecast Podcast, GRue and so many other wonderful things. Dan and dawn keep inviting me to their Power Exchange Summit and I really want to go but the past 3 years it has just fallen at a bad time for us for one reason or another. Maybe next year? They keep inviting me to present on a topic also but I’m not sure how well that would go. I don’t see myself as a very good face to face presenter. I’m comfortable online, of course, but stand me up in a room and I feel inferior and afraid I’m not knowledgeable enough.


Miss Me?

Wow it’s been a long time between posts here.

Yesterday I went on a day outing with my mom to a Civil War Reenactment. It was interesting and I enjoyed myself.

Bad news is that no matter how much sun screen I used I am a lobster today. My face, chest and arms/hands are really bad. I’m gonna be miserable. I asked Master to take my collar off while it heals because I kept bumping tender parts of my chest and neck with it. So, the collar has come off for now.

Next month I start packing, decluttering, cleaning and preparing to move. I’ve booked the hotel in the area that accepts pets, will book the moving truck and moving helpers next week.

Mid-May we are all going to the BDSM convention in the area. I’m looking forward to meeting a few of the presenters and the classes for the most part sound really interesting.

That’s it for now, I’m going to go slather myself in more aloe.


Updating You

I never know when I’m going to write here anymore. Sometimes I get the desire to talk about something, but don’t, or if it’s to do with the poly relationship Master has with froggy I make sure that those involved know first. Because who wants to find out my feelings on something from my blog before talking about it? Um, no.

This week I’ve been in trouble and punishment has been hard. Not in the, OMG I’m going to never have freedoms again, but more along the Master keeps forgetting I’m in trouble and I’m having to remind him I’m not allowed to do what he’s suggesting.

The first part of punishment was removal of my TV privileges, which had a caveat for Captain America. Master said he wasn’t going to be punished just because I was, and that we’d be going to the movie. So we’ve actually been twice. He wants to rewatch Game of Thrones before the new season starts up, and so I said sure we could start Monday night and he actually asked me why we needed to wait. When I reminded him that’s when my punishment was lifted it seemed that again I was inconveniencing him.

The second part of my punishment is that I’m only allowed water. Or so I thought. His exact words were, “no flavored water” so I knew kool-aid was out and the sodastream water we make. Well in fact I can have coffee, tea, hot chocolate, cider and milk as long as they aren’t the majority of my drink choices. And yet, because he didn’t want me to buy water at the theater I’ve had pop there.

I get that I’m in trouble. I mishandled the finances which cost us some money and stress so I know why I’m in trouble. It’s been a long while since I’ve been in trouble badly enough to incur a “grounding” sort of punishment so it isn’t easy, but it’s worse so when I have to keep reminding Master that I’m being punished.

And yes I’m kinda whiny about it here. I guess I want him to be more strict about punishments if he’s going to hand them out, ya know?

We’ve been planning to move to be closer to froggy for some time now. She lives in a city that I’ve never had a desire to live in – but am making the concession to move because Master will be there. I tried hard to find something in a nearby town without much luck. Well, so we applied for an apartment in the same complex. Convenient for Master and froggy, right?

I talked with Master about further rules or limits I’d like in place when we do move; since she’ll be so close and I don’t want to change my position in the relationship. I’ve been waiting to talk about it here until he talked with froggy about it – so that’s the main reason I’ve not written here in a long time.

As I believe I’ve mentioned before I’ve been uncomfortable being in the same place as them when they are affectionate or playful and basically I don’t want to be exposed to the relationship. I want a closed triad since an open one was way too difficult for me. I’m just not cut out for that sort of poly. The new rules will help ensure that I still get my space.

  • froggy will have to seek permission to come over. She can’t just drop by unannounced.
  • She will not be allowed to stay overnight. Sleeping arrangements are so darned hard right now and there’s no reason for her not to walk across the parking lot and sleep in her own bed.
  • The majority of play will happen at her house or when I’m not home. I really hate being asked to leave just so they can play.

I’m not sure how things will go once we move, but that’s a starting point. Master and I talked at length about my place in his life and where froggy fits in again. I have a feeling I’ll need that occasionally. Just to reassure myself that I’m not being replaced.


Question Month: Quick Fire Answers

Do submissive’s have to own toys to be considered in a relationship or owned and collared?



Someone I was talking to told me that you are and can only be a slave when you are owned and collared by a Master otherwise you are just a submissive and still even just a submissive to those that , that person plays with causally. Is this true?

It may be true to them, but it’s all a matter of identity. Identity is personal. If you identify as a slave, then be a slave. Don’t let someone else tell you aren’t who you say you are.

What are some of the weirdest fetishes that you have ever heard of?

I really can’t say I have heard of any that strike me as weird anymore. I’ve been into BDSM and have met a lot of people that were different than I am. Perhaps they were weird at one point when I was new, but not anymore.

Can submissive’s approach a Dom about being their Dom? If so how should one go about doing this?

Yes. Assuming that you are in a relationship with someone, or wishing to be you’d do something along the lines of, “hi, I think we have a lot of things in common. Do you want to go out?” Then, get to know each other, when the time feels right you can ask them if they’d like to be your Dom. “Would you like to be my Dom?” tends to work just fine in that situation.

Dear LunaKM,

I was just wondering what an “Alpha Slave” was? Is there such a thing as an “Alpha Submissive”?

Thank You

An alpha slave is a primary slave in a hierarchical poly relationship where there is more than one slave. Commonly this slave can give direction and orders in the absence of the Dominant. Yes there can be alpha submissives. It’s based on identity and position in the household.