This weekend Master and I had some pretty deep conversations about his relationships and our relationship and where everything is going. A lot of what we talked about isn’t my story to tell but something that came out of it was my baring it all about a progression I’ve been dancing around for almost 2 years now.
Master is into Total Authority. It’s his hugest turn on to be able to just command his partner to do something and they do it without questions asked, without mulling about what’s in it for them. Since the beginning of our relationship I’ve pushed back and always questioned the idea of doing something without knowing the why of it. Well, Master’s why is that it turns him on, it’s a huge power trip and it’s who he is as a Dominant.
It’s one of, if not the reason we opened the relationship to include play partners to begin with 4 years ago. He needed someone who was willing to submit at that level and to take the sadistic streak he gets which is to make his submissive suffer. He likes the suffering. A lot. And the total unquestioning authority is huge for him too. It’s fulfilling.
In the beginning we tried the suffering sadistic play and I couldn’t handle it, the being treated that way during play. I broke down and fought back. I hated it and him. So we took that part of play off the table. The total authority was still not happening because I kept wanting to know the why and understand what he got out telling me to go down to the car and masturbate, or wear a butt plug while going to the store. And his, because I said so and because I like it didn’t cut it for me. And it really wasn’t hot for me to do that, because I couldn’t understand why he’d ask me to do that when he wasn’t involved directly.
Well, now… now I’ve had a lot of time to really connect with Master and the love we have is so deep that I can’t see the bottom. It’s that powerful. And for about 2 years now I’ve wanted something more but never quite sure if I could open myself up to the total authority that he was looking for. I’ve self-identified as a slave for about 4 years, but didn’t feel that it was any different and I wanted it to me. Yes I read a lot of slave blogs where the Dominant had complete authority and it’s possible I romanticized a lot of that in my head, but I also cringed at some of it but never fully backed away from the idea.
For two years I’ve wondered if I could embrace total servitude and if that was the piece that I felt was missing and I could step into with a happy heart and an open mind. For me the love and power in the connection that Master and I have was important for this decision. The security of knowing he’d never do anything to harm me and that he cares for me completely I’m certain I can do this with the support he’s willing to give.
The mental work that has had to go on has been difficult and I’ve not written about any of it because I didn’t want to get my hopes up and then realize it just wasn’t possible. I wanted to be absolutely sure I was ready and when things came out this weekend it felt right. Scary, but right. We re discussed hard limits. I get to keep them. But one soft-hard limit that I’ve been squicked about I get to work on – analingus. Ugh, it just gives me the shivers thinking of it. Now, I’ll do it, occasionally with a barrier. But he wants that barrier gone and he wants me to enjoy doing it to him. Ultimately he wants me to volunteer to do it. Thankfully he’s giving me time to work on it and as long as there is progress I won’t be in trouble. Took me almost 10 years to learn to love and offer blow jobs, we’ll see how this goes.
He’s tested the waters a bit since this authority revelation. He’s hesitant, of course, since he wants me to be able to do this without a doubt but isn’t sure I can embrace it. We’ll take things with measured steps I’m sure.
So, first things first, he re-instated the blogging rule, so I’ll be here every Monday, Wednesday and Friday again trying to figure out my thoughts with the new changes in my submission. I expect a bumpy ride but a fulfilling change that should make our relationship that much closer and more powerful in the long run. Also, he has forbid clothing in the house unless I get permission. And he’s going to be asking me to do things (telling me to do things) that I would have normally questioned or balked at and I need to learn to accept and enjoy them for what they are. Right now it’s been mostly sexual things but only time will tell how that changes.
That’s what I have in front of me. I’m nervous and excited. I don’t want to fail.