Thank you to everyone who commented on the last post. All of your words helped.

I’m finding that I do a lot of introspection for the purpose of Submissive Guide and perhaps that much introspection is making me question my own submission on too many occasions.

While Master has expressed a tension between us and agrees that I should enjoy things more he doesn’t see it as something more than a step back. Nothing as catastrophic as I portrayed it. I tend to dot hat when it has to do with me. I have this yard stick that I try to measure myself up to because I know that people look up to me and when I slip even an inch I take it hard.

I have to remind myself that no one is expecting me to be perfect. Master is overall happy with me, he tells me he loves me every single day and I continue to feel protected and loved and of service. I am content in my life and I love every single minute of it.

Poly is still an adjustment, but we knew that going in. At least we can talk about issues as the arise and we can resolve them to everyone’s satisfaction. I’m not worried in the slightest.

I just need to reconnect with how I felt in the beginning, in the honeymoon phase of submission when everything was so new and thrilling. Some of it now just feel so “old hat.” We need to shake it up I think.

So thank you.

–lunaKM

On Submissive Guide I help submissives go beyond the simple answers and find their real path to submission; one that will make them happy and fulfilled and hopefully please their Dominant also. Yet today I learn I’m a bit backwards myself. Not that this is a new thing, but one that has come to a head and so I’m thinking about it.

I don’t get direct or indirect pleasure from making Master happy. So, pleasing him doesn’t feel like it really pleases me. Take for example giving him a blow job. Sure it’s great, but if he’s happy I’m glad he’s happy but I don’t take pleasure from it in the same way.

froggy is genuinely happy to do things for Master and she jumps at the chance to make him happy in any way she can. I…. calculate what I get out of it. So I’m selfish. I’ve never said I wasn’t. But because I don’t do things just to make Master happy there is an undercurrent of tension and preemptive denial of pleasure. Master would rather decline a blow job if it looks like I am doing it just to make him “happy” and get back to something else. If I act all happy go lucky excited he seems to be more willing.

Even though in both instances I would suck his dick, he’d rather have the one that has me grinning in anticipation. Of course I understand this. Of course I’ve dealt with it before.

But it still comes up so I’m not learning how to change that behavior. I can’t just fake it anymore. I need to find his pleasure as pleasing to me and sense of satisfaction for a job well done. Does that make sense?

No – “Good I made him happy, now back to writting/knitting/watching something.”

Yes – “Ah that was so good to see him happy and enjoy himself. Gosh I feel great when he’s happy. What more can I do?”

Hrm, this needs more thinking. I’ve hit a wall.

–lunaKM

I know I said I was going to write about the playtime we had at Mischief in May but right now I don’t feel like it. Maybe later.

This week so far has been a busy one. I’m trying to, once again, make a homemaking binder and to be more productive throughout the day. This time, I decided my binder would be online since I’m in front of some form of digital device almost all day long. I read in an ebook I purchased called, “Paperless Home Organization” (this is NOT an affiliate link) about how to use Evernote, Remember the Milk and Gmail to make my productivity soar if I can just learn the  program and make it work for me.

I’ve been slowly adding the mess of to do’s and lists and routines I’ve had spread all over into one place and so far it’s been great seeing things together and I’ve actually got a few things done that I don’t think I would have remembered had I not written them down and used the program.

I’m amazed at how scattered the documents I use are. They are not only in paper form but in Dropbox, in Google Drive and on my old notebook blog. The goal is to get it all together and working for me so that I can spend less time looking for things and more time actually doing them.

Yesterday Master had his wisdom teeth pulled. They had been hurting him for quite awhile so it came to no surprise that they would need to come out. He’s recovering well, but definitely tired of soft foods and lukewarm coffee. Tomorrow he can start adding warmer foods if he feels ready for it.

He’s not done either. I don’t envy him, but he has a lot of dental work to go to fix up his mouth. I’m sure I have a lot too, but I’m waiting until he’s had some more work and I get new glasses. I’ve needed new glasses for a bit now, these are so scratched up that they never seem clean.

Once his paycheck arrives this month we’ll have the money to put a deposit down on a place where we are headed, once we find it. At least it will be in savings just waiting for the right moment. We also have to wait until then to go traveling and searching. The waiting is killing me. I want someplace now!

I went back to tracking my food on Sparkpeople to reign in my eating and exercise. I also amended my goal since there is no way I’ll reach it by our Anniversary. So I changed it to my Birthday in October. The widget on this site should be updated to reflect that too.

I think I’m going to get back into my home management binder work. Take care everyone.

–lunaKM

I’m doing much better, thank you for the kind words everyone!

Master let me go get a manicure and pedicure on Wednesday and I felt all pampered and pretty when that was done. It lifted my spirits to do that.

And all of you are right; everyone has moments of negative body image and I will get over them. I’m going to do right by my Master and start working out and eating right again. Pentatonix is coming back to Iowa for the State Fair but he said no since I dropped my healthy eating/exercise plan as soon as the concert was over. I understand but I’m also crushed. Bummer. Hopefully the come back again!

The weekend BDSM convention was fun and I have a separate post planned for that as well as sharing my first scene that included froggy. It was pretty fun. So watch for that.

–lunaKM

This has been a hellish day for me health-wise. Last night I developed a migraine which kept me up for most of the early morning. When I woke up after finally falling asleep I still had the migraine but joy of joys I also had nausea, dizziness and sound sensitivity.

By the time I woke Master up the headache had come down a notch but the rest of my symptoms screamed at me. I spent the day laying about from the bedroom to the living room, sitting up, laying down. Trying to sleep and failing. Sitting in the bathroom praying I don’t throw up. It’s been a bad bad day.

Master insisted I take it easy and has been checking on me constantly. He even was sweet to go to the store for some 7up for my stomach. I felt a twinge of guilt that I had asked him to go to the store. It was odd and I tweeted about it as I was feeling it. I’m his slave and usually am the one taking care of him so the guilt was more that I was asking him to do something for me and that I was unable to take care of him.

I’m sure it’s a normal reaction and I’ve struggled with it before. Often I’m okay with it, I’ve accepted that he takes care of me when I’m sick, but today just doesn’t feel comfortable. It could be because he’s not feeling well himself. He has a toothache that has prompted the scheduling of having all 4 wisdom teeth removed. And that’s just the start of the dental care he needs. Master is taking penicillin for the infection and it’s not agreeing with his stomach. So he’s miserable. I should be caring for him. That’s my job.

Yes I know you are all saying to yourself that it’s his job to take care of me and I know that, and I agree completely however I’m still feeling a bit off about the whole thing.

Tonight my headache part is all but gone. I still and quite nauseous and dizzy, weak and tired. I’m trying not to do too much moving around and will attempt to sleep early.

This weekend is a weekend without froggy – which I’m thankful for only because neither Master nor myself are well enough right now. She’ll get to spend some time with her daughter. We’ll recover. She’ll be back up here next weekend.

Speaking of froggy, she’s really stressing Master out right now. He’s short with me a lot today even if he doesn’t mean to. He’s said that he’s been talking to froggy about things and that’s about all he shares. It’s none of my business anyway. Hopefully he can play his video games and “kill” enough people to vent some steam.

I’m going to rest up some more.

–lunaKM

Master has given me permission to not blog as often here – as he has stopped reading it since there isn’t anything I’m writing right now that give him insight into my mind. I am not sure how much blogging I’ll do but the regularity may be broken.

I still like using this place for things that come up in my life and I doubt that I’ll ever stop blogging. It just means that my schedule will change.

So, help me out here, my dear readers. What would you like me to talk about? What are you curious about with my life as it is now?

–lunaKM

OMG, It’s quite bad when the first person to tell me that I haven’t posted in a week isn’t Master, it’s froggy. Oiy. I had completely no clue that I had missed blogging! Wow. I guess I was just not doing anything that needed telling.

So, what’s been going on here? Just the same ole’ thing really. I’ve had a sinus head cold thing, Master is dealing with a toothache and froggy has been up here for weekends. That’s pretty standard fare lately.

I’m beginning to get antsy about finding a rental in the town we want to move to. It’s not exactly rental city and for a house in our budget and desires it’s not an easy find. 3.5 months will go by quickly I just know it. froggy brought over like a dozen 30 gal rubbermaid tubs and a ton of boxes she had collected from when she was moving or planning to move (she’s not now). So, I guess I could start packing early. Of course I prefer not to start packing until I know where we are going. Heh.

Master wants, and I agree, that I should be ramping it up with work on Submissive Guide. He wants me to set up webinars, more videos and more ebooks/ecourses type content and try to find contributors for writing content as well. It’s a big push to get me to consider Submissive Guide a business and a job instead of a hobby. I believe him, I really do – it’s just scary. I never thought that I’d be making a business out of helping submissives the way I do. It feels good to know that I’m making a difference in people’s lives, but also that I am afraid I might steer some wrong and they will resent me. Where that line is I don’t know.

So I’m adding more videos as I can, working on understanding what I need to do to make webinars happen, twitter chats started and so much more. As long as I can enjoy my work it will still be a joy to me.

–lunaKM

It is a warm day today. The thermostat got up to 82 at one point. Of course it didn’t help matters that I made bread for Master, flax bread for me and then used the broiler for dinner.

There is a chance for storms tonight and just the other day Master was lamenting the lack of storms. Hopefully he gets his wish and it stirs up a good one for him.

I guess the reason I’m giving the weather report is that there isn’t much going on here at the moment.

I spend my days working or housework. I’ve poured over the usual  places for rental housing in the town we want to move to and it’s not very promising right now. Thankfully moving day isn’t until 7/31 so we have time to find something. I know we are going to have to go there and drive around for some of it in case places aren’t listed. It’s a small sleepy town community so we are already pressed for housing.

Then our budget, while generous, isn’t going to go far. We have dreams to expand into a larger home, one we can live in for the long term until we can afford to buy a house. I’m just nervous and impatient to find somewhere. Limbo is hard on me.

I’ve been dealing with a rash of headaches lately. It’s hard to know where they are coming from but they pretty much make it impossible to focus on anything for a long time.

Work is going slowly and I was able to record another video post for Wednesday. I wanted to record 2 but the construction guys outside stopped that. Hopefully I can get it tomorrow. I want to have a surplus of videos instead of waiting so long to do them. Lots of plans in the works ya know.

Master, froggy and I are going to Mischief in May again this year. I’d be more excited about it if the classes were super interesting to me. They aren’t. I’m also a bit frustrated with the local community. I know when the weekend comes I’ll have a good time so there is that. Maybe we’ll meet some interesting people? I asked Master to play with me one of the evenings (there are 2 parties). Not sure yet what I’m craving but I know I’ll have fun.

–lunaKM

I have a headache today so this is just a cursory post. I’m sorry but thinking is just out of the question. The darned construction workers outside my window all day didn’t help. Oh the noise!

I think I’ll just go curl up and try to relax.

–lunaKM

Master calls me cunt. It’s a new adopted term, one that I had told him was lovely when he used it in play one day. He says he has to use a certain intonation when he says it. That doesn’t matter to me. It’s a harsh word, one that drives the “sex object” stain straight into my heart. I love hearing it.

It’s stronger than slut and he’s been calling me that for years. But a new name feels hot. Exciting.

I’ve written recently that he’s letting his facial hair grow. I love it. I must definitely have a fetish of sorts with it because just thinking of running my fingers through it or feeling the prickle when I kiss him makes me twitch. I am finding my sexuality all over again.  Maybe, just maybe we’ll fuck like bunnies again soon.

Just after he gets better from the darned cold he has!

–lunaKM

PS: I have a few more March questions. Thank you everyone who submitted one!

Today I made some bread for Master. It smells so delicious but I couldn’t tell you what it tastes like. These are the times I hate not being able to eat bread. The ‘bread’ I’ll make myself tomorrow won’t smell nearly as nice, but it will be safe for me to eat.

We are not doing anything fancy for Easter. I do enjoy hearing about all the fancy meals you will be having, so share that with me! What’s on the table Easter day?

Tonight I’ve been watching some old Disney cartoons – The Rescuers and The Aristocats. It’s been great seeing the old movies again. Master has spoiled me by letting me watch extra tv tonight.

On bad news, Master has noted that I’ve not been exercising. I really need to back into it if I want to make my next goal by our Anniversary. So, I’m going on the level. Starting tomorrow. Exercise in the morning, low carb eating back in full swing. I’ve got weight to lose!

–lunaKM

Today is not the day I can sit down and have something to write about.

Well, that’s not true. I do have something to blog about but Master doesn’t want me to share it. It’s happy news and something we’ve waited a long time for. So,even if you don’t know what it is, be happy for us. It’s been a long long road.

It’s time to start saving for moving expenses and this time we’d like to not have to do it all by ourselves. Hopefully we can start looking for a place in late April-early May for July. Is that too soon? I hate feeling like I’m leaving it to the last minute. It’s so questionable with the homes for rent that are listed on craigslist right now. We definitely have to go to the town and drive around I’m sure.

My slutty behavior has come back for a visit and I hope it’s a long one. I feel so happy and relaxed when I feel this way. I know Master isn’t going to object to my current attitude either. Heh.

That’s about it I guess. Maybe I’ll have something introspective soon.

–lunaKM