So, here we are in our new apartment. It isn’t somewhere we would have chosen if we had a choice. It’s a 3rd party dorm set up, so the tenants are young kids without a whole lot of life experiences. We are fighting cockroaches, KM’s bike has been stolen and the place is really small. I’m having to be creative with our storage solutions.  We have to keep chanting that this is just until we get back on our feet and fix our credit a bit. Then we can pick someplace we really will love to live. The cats are happy; they have large ledges along the window to sit in all day long. For us we have Diatametious Earth all over the place for the roaches, we’ll not put anything out accessible to others and we’ll make do with the space we have. 

I’ve spent today feeling horrible. Master thinks I have over exerted myself so the dizziness and fatigue I’m feeling will go away if I just rest. I’m worried it’s something more. I guess all I have right now is time. So, I’ll rest and see if it gets better.

Master has a contract for the next month’s work and it looks like we’ll be getting back on our feet very soon. That will be a huge relief.

I’ll be able to get back on track with Submissive Guide also. The stress and anxiety we’ve been under have impacted my desire to write and my motivation to keep going.

kaya shared some horrible news today that had me crying a few times. Her son was murdered last month. She’s going dark online and I don’t blame her. I’m so sad for her and I can’t imagine the pain she’s going through. If I think about it more I’ll be crying again. I’ll be thinking of her often and hoping she can find a way to live with the grief as best as possible.

Master is talking to Kiva again and is hopeful that he’ll be able to have some sort of relationship with her again.  With her talking to him he’s a lot happier and his anxiety isn’t as terrible. It’s almost like I have my Master back. I can’t say how negotiations are going to go with Kiva, but whatever does happen, as long as Master is himself again I’ll live with it.

–lunaKM

Low Self Esteem

Things have slowly receded since the last post.  Master is doing better since the break up; his depression is much less. We found an apartment that will take us even though our credit is in the bad category now that the unemployment period is over so in less than 2 weeks we are moving. It’s $200 cheaper and 200 sq ft smaller but it still has 2 bedrooms and will take our cats. The cost cut will definitely help us get back on our feet and fix our debt issues. Relief is coming, soon.

I’m not happy with the smaller place, but it is what it is. I’m doing some major purging of possessions so that we aren’t living in a clutter mess. I’m hoping that we’ll be able to replace our “walmart” furniture and plastic storage with nicer pieces a bit at a time. At least the apartment is nice, it has newer appliances, newer flooring and overall nicer looking. The complex has an fitness room, computer lab and 2 large laundromats (with like 20 washers and dryers). It’s main clientele are college students with the community college within walking distance. Here’s hoping they aren’t the rowdy sort.

My self esteem is in the crapper. I put on a lot of weight when I ran out of thyroid meds and now that I’m back to where I started I still feel ugly.  I’ve not had my hair cut in almost 2 years, I miss getting my eyebrows waxed and shaped and professional manicures. Maybe we’ll be able to add a few of those things back in when the finances have room.

I’m reminded again in a talk with Master that my sex drive is non-existent and it’s been that way for years. I think part of it comes from my self esteem. I feel ugly and undesirable even though he tells me and shows me he wants me all the time. I read in an article on WebMD the other day that women with low self esteem could feel sexual desire and still ignore it because their self esteem was so low. That doesn’t explain such a long term problem but it could contribute to my current issue.

The sexual desire needs fixing. It’s so sad to hear Master say he misses the sexual energy we used to have before we got married. I’d love to have it too. All of our sex and play has just dropped off and it’s related to my lack of desire, my inability to be affectionate and flirty. Something inside me has broken and I need to figure out how to kindle my flame again. I find Master very sexy so it’s not like I’m not attracted to him. I want him all the time. I just need to find my sexy and show him.

That’s it for now, maybe I’ll think about it more later.

–lunaKM

It’s been a long time since I felt a desire to write here. That’s not to say I’ve not been writing. My private journal has been getting an earful. So much of what’s going on now I didn’t think I’d really need to share but now it’s piled up so high that I have to get it out. This probably isn’t going to be orderly or make a lot of sense. I’m just getting what’s in my head onto the screen in any way it sees fit.

Money dried up and we are late on May rent and don’t have June rent. We have no where to move and our lease is up in July. We can’t afford a moving truck or a storage space. Things are still very up in the air with that. I have a friend that will let us crash with her for awhile but that still doesn’t help us get our stuff anywhere.

I was able to get County assistance for the rent for May and half of June’s so there is some relief in that department. Master’s new project has finally FINALLY started so money will start trickling in mid-next month.  So, I’m expecting to have money to put our stuff in storage.

We are so broke that the sites could be shut down and recovering them would be near impossible. I’d lose my passion and my income. So I opened a GoFundMe to see if my readers would help pay the bills for the summer while we get on our feet. The response has been amazing. I’ve raised $1500 in 4 days. My low goal was $2000 so I’m very impressed. The sites will continue thanks to them.

Kiva broke up with Master. It was sudden and unexpected and has left him a shattered mess of a person. It’s been a week and he’s still very despondent and I’m doing my best to be there for him. He’s barely eating, he’s crying a lot and sleeping even more. He’s said he lost something very special and important to him and he’s not sure how he’ll go on. We aren’t interacting on a M/s standpoint or even a husband/wife. Right now I’m his caretaker. And I’m stressed out. I’m trying hard to not be angry that I’m not getting any of my needs met or that I’m feeling neglected but honestly I really am. And that’s just the start of my emotions about the whole thing.

I’m right pissed at Kiva. What Master has revealed about their break up makes me think she’s a selfish, immature cunt that just wants the NRE high and lots of new dick. She’s incapable of having an adult long term relationship and I don’t give a shit if she doesn’t like it if she reads here. I’m mad. Master was everything he could be for her and she tossed him aside because he was too controlling? Girl, you asked to be submissive… with a man who is a dominant. WTH were you thinking? That you’d be free to suck cock in a line up while he watched? Grow up and get lost.  You can’t just chew people up and spit them out and expect them to sit back and let you do it.

That’s enough of that.

Our 5 year wedding anniversary is Saturday. I don’t think we’ll be able to do anything and with him so broken from what Kiva did to him I don’t think I should expect anything. It would be nice of course. 5 years is a big milestone in my opinion. I may just have to accept that it’s going to be a bust.

We were planning on moving closer to Kiva so Master could see her more. Now that isn’t happening, even being in the same town is too much for him right now. So, I’m considering a new start in a completely different place, maybe even out of state. Since my mother stopped talking to me in January and burned her last lifeline with me I don’t have anything keeping me here. We could move somewhere with a different BDSM community and a different atmosphere altogether. Just get away from it all.

Now, there is froggy to consider. Master still sees her weekly for play and massage. I know he’ll have to make the final decision really soon so that I can start figuring out where to start looking for places to move. There are decently large BDSM communities in Omaha and other Midwest areas. I’m not sure a longer distance move is logical.

I’m already feeling better just getting this off my chest.

–lunaKM

 

Not Eating

I spent a lot of today fighting the urge to eat because I was bored. So, while I didn’t have anything really productive to do, I found myself staying busy just to stay out of the kitchen.  I’ve done a couple more exercises in my compulsive eating workbook and it’s helping me see things in a different perspective. Of course it’s having me watch what I eat and that’s probably why I was so aware of my urges this weekend.

I’m recording what I eat. I’m measuring out servings before I eat it. And Master is keeping me accountable without being overbearing. I think it helps. I hurt my ankle on Thursday so I’ve not exercised but I am going to try my first bit of Yoga tomorrow. I found a simplified Sun Salutation that looks like something I can do with just a few modifications. And eventually I know it will help with my flexibility.

I weigh in tomorrow to see what my starting weight will be for this month. I’m hoping for 10 lbs lost by the end of it.

–lunaKM

Alright so I need to just jot down all the things currently going on. This is a brain dump, essentially.

I’ve come clean yet again about my compulsive binge eating. Master caught me in February buying pizza on a weekend he was at Kiva’s and I just broke down and confessed to bingeing when he wasn’t here. Bingeing has been a problem for me since high school and my first job. It’s going to take a long time to recover and earn Master’s trust yet again. At least I think he realizes that I didn’t lie intentionally, that it’s part of the sickness. Even I don’t realize all the food I eat when I’m bingeing. I’m working with therapy online and in a workbook until we can afford a therapist. This is going to be a hard hard path.

Due to my secret eating I gained 15 lbs which put me at a new highest high for weight. Along with that came great shame, frustration and depression. I’m slowly losing and I know I have to continue not only for me, but for Master. I promised I’d stick around for him for a long time.

My mother is still not talking to me. So I’ve cut her out. She’s done this sort of childish thing before several times and I keep forgiving her. I can’t go through the stress again. Especially over something so childish. It pains me but knowing she’s intentionally avoiding me and not talking to me hurts more.

Master and I are broke. Beyond broke. Money hasn’t come in for over 2 months. His next big project has been just over the horizon for so long now. It’s there, and it promises to be a great thing, but until it gets here we’re…. stuck. We are just barely able to hang on to the apartment right now. He feels like a failure and the depression we both feel is having a huge impact on our interactions, our sex lives and our health. Neither of us are sleeping well. I wish I could help reassure him that he’s not a failure and that this is just a difficult point that we’ll overcome and come out the other end still together and still strong.

Our lease is up in 3 months. We can’t afford to look for someplace yet.  Or the moving van. Or the hired help. The stress of this is really bad. I’m decluttering and minimizing material items like crazy because the less we have to move the better.

Maximus, my eldest cat, is starting to have more bad days than good lately. I can’t afford to take him in for further tests on the progression of his Kidney Disease. He’s 14 so I know he’s reaching the end anyway, but watching him slowly decline just tears my heart out. I don’t want him to die, of course, but I don’t want him to suffer even less. I’m watching for signs that he’s ready. It could come tomorrow it could come next year.  I just don’t know.

I don’t think I’ll ever be as accepting of poly as I’d like to be, so I have to learn ways to cope and manage my emotions. I’m not leaving Master over this. As long as he continues to provide for me what I need there’s no reason. I feel loved and adored and I am so lost in his love that I’m not tearing myself away from him over this. I just have to learn a bit of coping that will take care of my feelings of loneliness when he’s not here.

And that’s about it for now. It helps to get this off my chest, but of course I also need to work through much of this and the only way to do that is what I call mental work. And writing. I’ve written in my physical journal a lot, but I guess I felt a need to write here too so that Master can see some of my thought process.

–lunaKM

Entre Acte

Things are changing around this place. After I realized in March that I didn’t feel comfortable writing here anymore I did some serious thinking as to why. First, it’s you. While I do get positive comments, it’s the negative ones that are inflicting more pain and actually hurting my relationship with Master more than I should allow them to. So, from now until I decide I can live with them again, there will be no more comments allowed on this blog.

This is my private place, my safe space and it’s also a conduit to my mind. It’s for Master and me. It’s not for your entertainment. If you don’t like what I write here, you don’t have to read it. I have a hell of a lot of things going on right now that I need to work through and you are either along as a silent bystander or you can go elsewhere.

I don’t want your pity, your sympathy or your understanding. I don’t write here to entertain you. It just happens to be public so others can read about my real life if they wish to.

To that end, there is no more contact page. You can not find my email on this site and I will not respond to personal emails from people I do not already have an email exchange with. This means, if I have not emailed with you before, I do not wish to get emails from you now.

This place is supposed to be therapy. It’s a brain dump, a shoulder to cry on and a place to vent. Master often comes off as a bad person when I do this because of my negative emotions. He is not a bad person at all. He’s the most patient, compassionate, caring and responsible person I’ve ever known and I am proud for everyday he embraces me as his slut wife.

That means, there may be posts that are closed to the public. Don’t ask for me for a password, you won’t get one. This is my place and I’m taking it back.

–lunaKM

What are you favourite parts to your dynamic?

I have a lot of favorites. I love that I take care of Master so that he doesn’t have to worry about things. I love that I feel so taken care of and secure in his love. I enjoy submitting, very much.

I love the rules I have and the structure it affords me.

I enjoy the protocol and ritual we have established.

I love the kinky fuckery.

There isn’t a whole lot I can think of that I don’t like, honestly. If I did then I’d have to say maybe this life isn’t for me. So, yeah. I feel pretty darned lucky.

–lunaKM

Hi Luna! Thanks for answering questions this month! I’ve followed you a long time, and I really enjoy reading about your journey. Here are my questions:

How does it feel to be known as a guru in the community? Do you feel happy and proud that you have put together a format that allows you to educate the masses, and do you ever feel stressed about your Submissive Guide work?

It can go to my head, that’s for sure. I’ve been known to be humble but also very obviously proud of my work. It was never always going to be that way. Submissive
Guide started as just a site where I could write my opinions down about BDSM and D/s. But when I realized how in love I was with writing and the response I was getting I found my new passion in life.

And since it is now my part time job it definitely gives me stress. But I’d rather have this stress than working away from home doing something I’m not really interested in.

Do you find that when you look good, you feel good, and vice versa? From a personal standpoint I know that when I am dressed up and made up I feel like I can take on the world, and when I’m feeling low the make up and pretty clothes are the first thing to go. Have you ever gotten through a funk by taking extra care with your personal appearance, and did it work for you?

Yup and it’s something I’ve known since high school. I always dressed up for exams and feel good when I’m dressing nicely. Getting though a funk this way? Nope, not yet. But maybe it will help with my current one.

Finally, do you feel that your blog brings more positivity to your life, or do you feel that it’s a source of negativity? I know you were having a rough time with bullies and trolls a while back, and I hated to see nasty people infringing on an area that should be a source of centering and solace.

This blog no longer brings me the joy and security it once did. I keep it open and write in it occasionally. But I won’t use it the way I used to. I have a physical journal for that, that even Master doesn’t read.  So unfortunately for those that follow to learn my inner thoughts, they will be sorely lacking here.

–lunaKM

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