I’m doing a bit better now that there has been some time to think about things and to really connect with Master. There’s been a lot of talking and expressing ourselves and that always helps me see things differently. The comments I got were a lot what I expected.  I’m emotional and my mind doesn’t form thoughts well when I’m upset so when I write I don’t convey things as clearly. I’m also make Master look like a douchebag and he really isn’t.

He told me that Joy described how he sees poly perfectly and I have to admit that I don’t feel like less of a person all the time. In moments of weakness and jealousy I get overly possessive of his time and we’d just been through a rough time during Mischief in May that I was still recovering from. I’m not talking about what happened then as it’s not really my story to tell. Needless to say it was stressful.

I really have no major complaints about how Master cares for me. Sometimes I wish he was monogamous or would treat me like when we were monogamous. But that’s no longer possible. Yes he likely stretches himself thin on occasion, especially when all three of us are having emotional issues at the same time like last Thursday.  That’s right. I wasn’t the only one having a melt down which explains some of why he refused to halt all communication with the others.

I got a few hours of private time with him. It was nice.

Since then we’ve been able to reconnect and it’s been great. Times like this I forget why I was mad or felt unimportant to begin with. I guess we’ll have to keep talking and keep working through my issues.


I’ve never been shy to tell people that there are kinky topics that I just don’t understand and can’t fathom the depth of them. One of them is littles and their relationships with their partners. I just can’t understand how they work or why. It’s been described and elaborated on with me many times. I read about it from other authors frequently. It just doesn’t click for me. I don’t get that aha moment of understanding. It’s not that I don’t accept them and I have friends who are littles. I just don’t hide from them the fact that I don’t understand how to be a little or how that works. It doesn’t make me any less of a kinky person or an educator of BDSM. In fact it makes me more human I think, that I can admit that there are some things I just can’t understand.

Perhaps I’m realizing poly is one of them. I’m not poly. I identify as monogamous – in case you didn’t know. And while the progression for KnyghtMare to have other relationships has been slow and consensual the entire way, I think I have to admit that I still don’t understand how that works and where I fit in that. My monogamous mind is constantly in conflict with the way his poly mind works and that’s the cause of many of our current arguments pertaining to his other relationships and how I feel.

He’s never given me cause to believe that I’m any less important to him. His behavior has shifted, yes, but to him I’m still important. I’m the only one he will ever marry. He told me he only makes that sort of decision once. He wants to grow old with me. I believe him that his love for me is deep and that our relationship is woven into each other’s world so much that we can’t be apart. It’s that strong.

And yet my monogamous mind just can’t see that the just because he has other relationships doesn’t make me less important. I crave to be the primary, the top, the most special and given a place of honor. But his mind doesn’t work that way. He doesn’t see his relationships as levels. Sure we have more history than the others do, and sure he can never promise them that they will be together forever as he did me on our wedding day, but that doesn’t make me any more important to him.

This is just something that a monogamous person has to wrestle with when their partner is poly. We spent our Anniversary arguing and talking about all of these things and I hope that I can remember much of what he said because he’s the rational mind in this relationship and he is the one I’m trying desperately to understand. He can’t explain what poly means to him, what how it works in his head but I have asked him to think on it and help me to understand.

Sure people tell me that this is an unhealthy relationship and yes, right now I’d agree. But I’ve not given up. I’m fighting to understand because I know it can work. I would tell people who contact me with this situation but feel that they are at there wits end that perhaps this relationship is at an end. But I’m not at my wits end. I just need to find an explanation that works for me and a way I can process how things are working.

He’s said that I’m his wife, that no one else will wear that title. But he also says that doesn’t make me more special than the others, just the one with the most history and the foundation of who he is. I guess, in my mind that is where I need to be special. Sure I’m his wife but if that’s no more special than his submissive or his girlfriend/submissive why should I feel that wife is any different? I dunno.

It’s a long hard path that I have to travel. It’s painful, to be sure. But the best relationships are not just perfect. They work together to provide balance. We shall seek that balance again. I have no doubt. Until then, I expect to have more difficult posts ahead.


I miss you

I miss you

I miss the you before we got married, before the poly changed you

I miss being able to spend time with you and not share your focus with others

I miss being able to talk to you and not see your phone interrupt us

I miss you

I miss being able to go off for a day and not have to check in with anyone

I miss not having to schedule dates just so I can eat out with my husband

I miss  private time together

I miss whole weekends together

I miss you

I miss feeling like I’m the light of your life and the warm space in your heart

I feel crowded out, squeezed tight with only a sliver remaining

I miss feeling secure

I miss being the only one

I miss you


I know none of these things are intended and that you do everything you can to make me feel special. You’ve said the words over and over again that I’m special and that you think of me all the time and can’t think of your life without me in it. But poly is hard and it hurts. So much more than I can bear to share.

I asked you for a whole day without the others in your life

our Anniversary

and you can’t even give me that.

They expect things from you, you say. They can’t go a day without you, you say.

I am far less important than I thought, I say.


I miss you.


This is all just a lot of heated rambling, but I had to get it off my chest. You’ve heard it all before.

I love you. More than words could ever express. You are my world and I’d drop everyone who stood in my way to be with you. No one is more important than you. Happy Anniversary Master. I hope we can spend some real time together, just you and me.


Last week, I bought my first plant for the balcony. I’ve never had a balcony that was large enough for me to sit on and have plants AND had sunshine in the afternoon so I’m super thrilled to be able to decorate and use this outdoor space.  I got a hanging basket with petunias, but it was on clearance and all the first flowers had died off. I knew that if the greenery was still in good shape I could bring it back to flower stage so I got it. I also got a hanging basket stand.

Then a few days later I purchased another potted flower; a daisy mum. I can’t tell you its real name, I just know it’s in the mum family and looks like little white daisies. Daises in all forms are my favorite flower ever so I couldn’t pass it up. It now sits on the deck in front of the hanging one.

Today, out shopping I saw over the rail deck hanging baskets for $7 a piece so I got 2, and 2 more potted flowers. This time some purple and orange vine-like flowers. They’ll hang and sway in the breeze nicely. I need to get potting soil yet but I’m going to depot these and put them in the deck baskets.

The clearance petunia has new greenery and it looking like there are some new buds forming so I hope by next week I’ll have new flowers.

And that’s probably about it for this year’s decorating the balcony. I’ve been looking at lounge sets to put out there but the cost is way out of reach right now so perhaps this Fall but until them our folding chairs will have to do.

The flowers make me very happy.

The past 6 weeks I’ve had a lot of dental work done at the Dental College. Through some luck I saw an ad in the local Reddit for someone who hadn’t seen a dentist in at least 5 years that might qualify to be an Oral Hygiene student’s Boards patient. Dental students have to find their own patient that will qualify for their Board exam. Sounds insane!!  It’s been 12 years since I’ve had my teeth more than looked at ( x-rays last year and a quote for $3500 for the work) so after asking Master if he was okay with it, I sent her a picture of my teeth and gave her a rough history. I went in for an evaluation in February and after an exam asked me if I would like to be her Boards patient in May. That it would in repayment for being her patient I would get all my dental work done at the college and the deep cleaning/root planing that she’s doing for her exam all for free. Only catch is that I have to spend a lot of time at the college and be available for her exam. Along with that exam, one of my restorations needed qualified for a Dental student’s Board exam that was happening mid-March and so I agreed to that as well.

I couldn’t pass that up. So, I started going to the college every Tuesday (except for mid April when I was down with a cold) to get another restoration or sealant. A total of 5 restorations (6 if you count the Board exam one) and 2 sealants.  Mid March, after the Dental boards I went in for her mock board exam where she did 6 teeth. This Sunday I go for her real Board Exam where she’ll do at least another 6 teeth. Then she’ll finish in two more appointments after that. But the only cost to me has been parking in the college lots. That’s it. Although, there is a lot of time involved. Each appointment was 2 hours, every week I had local anesthesia on one side of my face. And I had a new student every week. Some were more confident than others, but thankfully the faculty there approves every step.

I can’t believe it though. All of my teeth fixed and cleaned for free – just sacrificing time. I’m thrilled.


The weekend that I was sick with the cold was Master’s visit to Ms Kiva’s place so I dropped him off at the bus stop on Friday and basically just slept for the weekend. I had planned so many things before the cold attacked me but none of that happened. I am finally finally getting better.

Reconciling Master’s new relationship has been challenging. The main reason for that has been that he doesn’t get anything from her that he can’t get from us (froggy and I) in a relationship sense. They are great friends and connect on a friendship level far deeper than he and I can just because we don’t have similar likes and dislikes. After a lot of heart searching I figured it out and I’m less stressed about the whole thing. Here’s what I think; Master isn’t getting anything from Ms Kiva really but she’s getting a lot from him. She has a need to explore sexual submission and trusts Master with her exploration. He’s serving her needs instead of her serving his.

The first weekend he spent down there with her was hard on me. I remember crying a few times during the weekend, mainly because I hadn’t figured out what purpose she served for him other than more pussy. And yeah that’s harsh but that’s what I was thinking at the time. Now that I know a bit more and I’ve figured out a reason for the relationship I feel much better about it all.

To think back on the whole experience thus far I blame a lot of the discomfort I felt on NRE (new relationship energy). He was in that hyper sexual excited space with Ms Kiva and that left me chilling in the wings waiting for him to notice me again. It’s not that he intended to do that or even knew he was acting that way, because NRE has a tunnel focus and for awhile attention for me was difficult. He even had problems with sex for a time. Like he couldn’t get it to work, couldn’t emotionally connect and so our sex suffered.

I’d been through this before when he started a relationship with froggy but that doesn’t any less difficult. Sure I could recognize it faster, but the distance was still felt. He’s back for the most part I think. Our relationship is still strong (always was) and we’re able to connect to each other like we used to.

NRE sucks for the primary partner. It really does. Especially if you are like me and don’t feel joy for your partner’s newfound relationship. I don’t have compersion. I don’t identify as poly myself so it’s just harder on me to see the purpose or need for other partners.

Now, Master and I did need to open the relationship for play way back when because our relationship was suffering when he wasn’t getting his sadistic streak fed often our intensely enough. That’s when froggy entered the picture. It did develop from there but she started as a play partner. And it healed our relationship immensely. We were able to connect intensely without his ache for the edgy sadistic stuff that I can’t do. I’m a masochist but not  in the same realm as Master needs often enough.

It can happen, of course, when you learn about BDSM and grow together as a couple and as individuals. Often this can lead to an end of the relationship. But if you open the relationship it can save things. I can’t see my life without Master. I’m with him through thick and thin.

And no matter what, I’m devoted to him. He knows his limits as far as further relationships go. I can’t handle him collaring anyone else. That level of relationship is reserved.

So that’s what’s on my mind tonight.


A Cold Pox

Have you missed me? I’ve missed me. I’ve had a horrible cold for over a week now. I’ve slept most of the week away. What I wasn’t sleeping away I was coughing, sneezing, blowing my nose and in general misery. This has been a tough one.

I’m still pretty miserable, although I have been able to string words together into sentences once the medicine works.

I plan on talking about poly things, work, chores, plans and dreams. Also have a meme to do from kaya. I have been thinking about writing here for some time. Perhaps soon. Perhaps when I stop coughing up a lung. Catch you next time the meds are working!


The past few weeks (months?) I have been fighting to get enough sleep. Or rather perhaps more fulfilling sleep. I’m constantly tired. I’m sleeping 8 hours and taking midday naps. I went to my Dr to check my thyroid levels and have a basic workup. Nothing is wrong that way. She thought perhaps I need a sleep study so that’s a possibility. I do snore but Master has never noted any breathing difficulty with that.

It’s quite draining to be tired all the time no matter how much sleeping I’m doing. My memory was suffering and I was more clumbsy than normal. Master mentioned having to repeat himself a lot and I know I was irritable. It’s not like I have insomnia that I know of because I feel like I’m sleeping. I wake up at the slightest sound though and when I do wake in the middle of the night it takes forever to go back to sleep. But during the day I can fall asleep within minutes of being inactive. Oh and the exercise I’m doing (100 mins a week) doesn’t give me any energy boost, in fact I feel more tired after the workout which encourages more napping.

A few experiments have come out of this problem and it appears it might be working.

First, Master believed that my middle of the night swap from the bed to the futon mattress in the living room was disruptive to my sleep cycle. So, now we are sleeping in one bed all night. I’ve taken turns with him as far as which bed I’m in to see if it makes a difference and right now I don’t know.

Also, he added Melatonin to my vitamin supplements that I take. A friend of ours suggested it because she takes it to help get more restful sleep. I’ve taken it for a week now and something is helping. I can’t say if it’s the lack of switching places or the supplement but I’ve reduced my naps from every single freaking day to twice since I started taking the Melatonin.

I really hope that I’ll improve. It has seriously impacted my productivity and I feel behind at everything! Master has been really lenient with chores but I know my writing has suffered and my inspiration is non-existant. The worst thing is that when I’m so tired my slavery suffers. I’m not interested in sex, I can’t focus on play and even Master’s playful touches just make me feel annoyed. That’s definitely not what I want!


You tweeted about your Master KM having a girlfriend? Is she his submissive like FroggyKM? How do you feel about sharing him with yet another woman? Will she eventually be collared to him too?

Yes he has a girlfriend. She’s a friend of ours that lives 2 hours away. She’s a Dominant but wants to explore submissive stuff with KnyghtMare. So she’s not like froggyKM at all. She has her own likes and dislikes and her own life. She’s poly too and has a husband and a boyfriend.

Sharing is hard but as long as I get the reassurance that I’m priority (which he never fails at doing) I’m fine with it. 

How is living Gluten – Free going in your new city? Have you been able to try any new restaurants and cafes? How is your food budget going with your living Gluten – Free?

It’s hard. I’ve found one restaurant so far that I like, but we are now getting tired of so I have to try and find another one that I like. I’m sure they are out there but not as easy for me to find this time around. The food budget is going alright. I’m staying in budget for grocery shopping so I guess that’s a win.

Have you gotten used to your new city? Do you like it? What if any activities have you found in your new city that were not available in your old city? How do you like your new apartment? Done any cool decorating yet? Have you found some new Munch Groups that you enjoy?

Well, used to it, sure. Like it? Not really. But I knew that going in. It’s just not my type of town. KnyghtMare and I aren’t really a go out sort of couple so if there are things to do here we’ve not looked for them. I love the apartment. It’s spacious and I’m looking forward to using the balcony this Spring/Summer. No decorating yet, but I might share it as I can.

The munch group in the area is one that I was a member of when I lived in the area an hour north 12 years ago. While the population has changed, the group is still here. It’s something I’m trying very hard to get to know and I still host my submissive forum every month for this area. It will grow eventually.


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