The Plan

After the first of the year, I’ll be back to writing here again. I am considering reopening comments. I’m sure I’ll surprise Master since it’s not a requirement to write here anymore. But for about a year now I’ve felt that I need to change my blog. So, here’s what I plan on doing.

1. Removing all current categories and tags. My archives will remain, but only by date. New categories will be created for my blog posts from the New Year going forward.

2. I’m going to use my blog as a place for personal growth and enhancement. That means so many of my posts might not make sense to you, they are meant to help me and me alone.

3. I’m going to be setting up a schedule and writing even if I don’t have anything to say. This could lead to gibberish style posts but the purpose is to simply write, not always make sense.

4. I want to share my bullet journal with you and what I do with my days every day.

5. I’m going to be obsessing over my health and weight loss efforts. I will not tolerate negative comments related to my weight and efforts, nor will I accept unsolicited advice. These comments will be promptly deleted.

So that’s what I have in store for now. Things are subject to change but right now, I feel this is the right course.


Miss Me?

I’ll come back soon I promise. Lots of changes need to be made but I’m itching to write again. <3

This week I’ve been sick. I’ve had Master’s stomach flu that he had last week. Lucky me, right? I’ve slept more in the past 72 hours than I’ve been awake.  I’ve meant to write here for over a week, and just not had the energy.

Master and I had a pretty intense talk just over a week ago and I’ve taken to processing thoughts on paper, privately. I’ve not even shared what I’ve been writing with Master and he’s fine with that. I’m using it for some self-therapy really. I’m depressed so this is helping.

Why am I depressed? Much of it has to do with my self-image and my weight. But I’m also not happy with how things have gone recently since Master’s unemployment which forced us to this crummy apartment. I’m trying hard to stay positive but my blue mood overwhelms me more often and it’s impacting a lot of our interactions. Sex is suffering. Playtime is suffering and the dynamic is struggling.

I’ve been very belligerent, snarky and a terrible submissive. He’s trying his best to reign me in but I’m not even responding humbly when in trouble. I was in a tailspin.

I’m far from better but the venting and writing have helped me. I’m also using my bullet journal to track more of my mood and to try and reign in where the focus of my life should be. It’s really stressful when you know you have been bad but can’t stop the crap coming out of your mouth in time. Master is at his wits end, surely. But he has done a great job correcting me calmly, express his disappointment and leave it to me to fix.

And fix it I shall work hard to do!


I’ve almost completed unpacking here. I don’t feel nearly as crowded as I thought I would. It will be tolerable for the time we have to live here and recover our way of life.  The cockroach problem will hopefully subside soon. The pest control guy said the apartment next door to us, that was also vacant had a huge nest behind the fridge that he tackled today and the place was just crawling with them. He comes back every week to spray so I’m really hoping that the problem will be gone by the end of August. New tenants move in across the hall and next door on the 15th.  I’m assuming they will want to take care of the issue before then.  Roaches creep me out and I hate seeing them. I’m having nightmares where I wake up thinking they are crawling all over me and have to get up and check the bed. Ugh. Ick.

We do not like living like this, but it’s temporary. I know that I will continue to bug the office about the bugs until they are gone. I learned that this apartment hasn’t been lived in for years because it was always set aside for managers that travel in from corporate. It hasn’t even been upgraded with the new appliances that they raved about when showing us the show apartment. Not that I care, these work just fine.

Master and I have been able to reconnect sexually and it’s been great. It feels like he’s more himself now after the end of his relationship with Kiva. We played this weekend with rope and breast bondage. Yum. I’m also feeling better in my submission and more in my place. It’s not perfect yet, but I’m getting there. I really had to suspend a lot of it when they broke up so that I could take care of him. He reminded me today that one of my rules is that I am to wear makeup before leaving the house. I’ve not even unpacked my make up yet.

And I won a giveaway for a $100 gift card from coastal scents, which is a make up manufacturer that I like. Woo! So I have new makeup coming this week and I’ve cleared the bedroom dresser area for my make up and I can’t wait to play with it again. Just another step to getting back on track!

I have health goals too that I hope August is the month that they stick. I’ve decided that my bullet journal is a great place to help keep me focused and I feel so good checking off the things in the habit tracker. If I can get into a rhythm then I should be good to go.

That’s about all I have for you today.


So, here we are in our new apartment. It isn’t somewhere we would have chosen if we had a choice. It’s a 3rd party dorm set up, so the tenants are young kids without a whole lot of life experiences. We are fighting cockroaches, KM’s bike has been stolen and the place is really small. I’m having to be creative with our storage solutions.  We have to keep chanting that this is just until we get back on our feet and fix our credit a bit. Then we can pick someplace we really will love to live. The cats are happy; they have large ledges along the window to sit in all day long. For us we have Diatametious Earth all over the place for the roaches, we’ll not put anything out accessible to others and we’ll make do with the space we have. 

I’ve spent today feeling horrible. Master thinks I have over exerted myself so the dizziness and fatigue I’m feeling will go away if I just rest. I’m worried it’s something more. I guess all I have right now is time. So, I’ll rest and see if it gets better.

Master has a contract for the next month’s work and it looks like we’ll be getting back on our feet very soon. That will be a huge relief.

I’ll be able to get back on track with Submissive Guide also. The stress and anxiety we’ve been under have impacted my desire to write and my motivation to keep going.

kaya shared some horrible news today that had me crying a few times. Her son was murdered last month. She’s going dark online and I don’t blame her. I’m so sad for her and I can’t imagine the pain she’s going through. If I think about it more I’ll be crying again. I’ll be thinking of her often and hoping she can find a way to live with the grief as best as possible.

Master is talking to Kiva again and is hopeful that he’ll be able to have some sort of relationship with her again.  With her talking to him he’s a lot happier and his anxiety isn’t as terrible. It’s almost like I have my Master back. I can’t say how negotiations are going to go with Kiva, but whatever does happen, as long as Master is himself again I’ll live with it.


Low Self Esteem

Things have slowly receded since the last post.  Master is doing better since the break up; his depression is much less. We found an apartment that will take us even though our credit is in the bad category now that the unemployment period is over so in less than 2 weeks we are moving. It’s $200 cheaper and 200 sq ft smaller but it still has 2 bedrooms and will take our cats. The cost cut will definitely help us get back on our feet and fix our debt issues. Relief is coming, soon.

I’m not happy with the smaller place, but it is what it is. I’m doing some major purging of possessions so that we aren’t living in a clutter mess. I’m hoping that we’ll be able to replace our “walmart” furniture and plastic storage with nicer pieces a bit at a time. At least the apartment is nice, it has newer appliances, newer flooring and overall nicer looking. The complex has an fitness room, computer lab and 2 large laundromats (with like 20 washers and dryers). It’s main clientele are college students with the community college within walking distance. Here’s hoping they aren’t the rowdy sort.

My self esteem is in the crapper. I put on a lot of weight when I ran out of thyroid meds and now that I’m back to where I started I still feel ugly.  I’ve not had my hair cut in almost 2 years, I miss getting my eyebrows waxed and shaped and professional manicures. Maybe we’ll be able to add a few of those things back in when the finances have room.

I’m reminded again in a talk with Master that my sex drive is non-existent and it’s been that way for years. I think part of it comes from my self esteem. I feel ugly and undesirable even though he tells me and shows me he wants me all the time. I read in an article on WebMD the other day that women with low self esteem could feel sexual desire and still ignore it because their self esteem was so low. That doesn’t explain such a long term problem but it could contribute to my current issue.

The sexual desire needs fixing. It’s so sad to hear Master say he misses the sexual energy we used to have before we got married. I’d love to have it too. All of our sex and play has just dropped off and it’s related to my lack of desire, my inability to be affectionate and flirty. Something inside me has broken and I need to figure out how to kindle my flame again. I find Master very sexy so it’s not like I’m not attracted to him. I want him all the time. I just need to find my sexy and show him.

That’s it for now, maybe I’ll think about it more later.


It’s been a long time since I felt a desire to write here. That’s not to say I’ve not been writing. My private journal has been getting an earful. So much of what’s going on now I didn’t think I’d really need to share but now it’s piled up so high that I have to get it out. This probably isn’t going to be orderly or make a lot of sense. I’m just getting what’s in my head onto the screen in any way it sees fit.

Money dried up and we are late on May rent and don’t have June rent. We have no where to move and our lease is up in July. We can’t afford a moving truck or a storage space. Things are still very up in the air with that. I have a friend that will let us crash with her for awhile but that still doesn’t help us get our stuff anywhere.

I was able to get County assistance for the rent for May and half of June’s so there is some relief in that department. Master’s new project has finally FINALLY started so money will start trickling in mid-next month.  So, I’m expecting to have money to put our stuff in storage.

We are so broke that the sites could be shut down and recovering them would be near impossible. I’d lose my passion and my income. So I opened a GoFundMe to see if my readers would help pay the bills for the summer while we get on our feet. The response has been amazing. I’ve raised $1500 in 4 days. My low goal was $2000 so I’m very impressed. The sites will continue thanks to them.

Kiva broke up with Master. It was sudden and unexpected and has left him a shattered mess of a person. It’s been a week and he’s still very despondent and I’m doing my best to be there for him. He’s barely eating, he’s crying a lot and sleeping even more. He’s said he lost something very special and important to him and he’s not sure how he’ll go on. We aren’t interacting on a M/s standpoint or even a husband/wife. Right now I’m his caretaker. And I’m stressed out. I’m trying hard to not be angry that I’m not getting any of my needs met or that I’m feeling neglected but honestly I really am. And that’s just the start of my emotions about the whole thing.

I’m right pissed at Kiva. What Master has revealed about their break up makes me think she’s a selfish, immature cunt that just wants the NRE high and lots of new dick. She’s incapable of having an adult long term relationship and I don’t give a shit if she doesn’t like it if she reads here. I’m mad. Master was everything he could be for her and she tossed him aside because he was too controlling? Girl, you asked to be submissive… with a man who is a dominant. WTH were you thinking? That you’d be free to suck cock in a line up while he watched? Grow up and get lost.  You can’t just chew people up and spit them out and expect them to sit back and let you do it.

That’s enough of that.

Our 5 year wedding anniversary is Saturday. I don’t think we’ll be able to do anything and with him so broken from what Kiva did to him I don’t think I should expect anything. It would be nice of course. 5 years is a big milestone in my opinion. I may just have to accept that it’s going to be a bust.

We were planning on moving closer to Kiva so Master could see her more. Now that isn’t happening, even being in the same town is too much for him right now. So, I’m considering a new start in a completely different place, maybe even out of state. Since my mother stopped talking to me in January and burned her last lifeline with me I don’t have anything keeping me here. We could move somewhere with a different BDSM community and a different atmosphere altogether. Just get away from it all.

Now, there is froggy to consider. Master still sees her weekly for play and massage. I know he’ll have to make the final decision really soon so that I can start figuring out where to start looking for places to move. There are decently large BDSM communities in Omaha and other Midwest areas. I’m not sure a longer distance move is logical.

I’m already feeling better just getting this off my chest.



Not Eating

I spent a lot of today fighting the urge to eat because I was bored. So, while I didn’t have anything really productive to do, I found myself staying busy just to stay out of the kitchen.  I’ve done a couple more exercises in my compulsive eating workbook and it’s helping me see things in a different perspective. Of course it’s having me watch what I eat and that’s probably why I was so aware of my urges this weekend.

I’m recording what I eat. I’m measuring out servings before I eat it. And Master is keeping me accountable without being overbearing. I think it helps. I hurt my ankle on Thursday so I’ve not exercised but I am going to try my first bit of Yoga tomorrow. I found a simplified Sun Salutation that looks like something I can do with just a few modifications. And eventually I know it will help with my flexibility.

I weigh in tomorrow to see what my starting weight will be for this month. I’m hoping for 10 lbs lost by the end of it.


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